Wife revealed last March she was having an affair with her business partner. Said I never put her first, never treated her special, didn't think I loved her anymore. Emotional affair, says they have so much in common and work like a team. Married 22 yr. and she never let me on any of this. Said she wanted to separate to explore feelings for OM. Did Plan A till she moved out in October when I started Plan B. Till Feb she was in great turmoil about the marriage and whether she could come back. She won't make a decision so I started proceedings for a legal separation. To give up relationship with OM means she has to give up her dream job of running half a company. Three daughters really upset, at home with me, my wife says she thinks they are adapting well. I disagree!! I know this sounds like the romantic affair template. This is the start of yeat two. Do I carry on?? Suggestions!!!

I suggest that you go into plan b and have NO contact with her AT ALL until she agrees to your terms, like leaving the OM and such things. Until she can you don't have any contact with her. Set up a third party that can be a go between so you can discuss important issues like money and kids.

Thom,

You have done plan A, you are in plan B, you are now seeking legal separation. It seems to me at the start of two years, you should know if you have any love left for her. You should know if this is becoming too much to overcome.

You see this no longer about your W, it is about you and your current feelings and your view of the future. It is your life, and is YOUR decision, it no longer is her's.

You have given this a lot of time. How old are your daughters? Do they have contact with their mother? What contact if any do you have while in plan B?

I will conclude that plan B is to slow the loss of love units from your love bank. When they are gone, then generally so is plan B and the marriage. Where are you?

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Daughters are 9,14 and 16. They have a good relationship with mother. Two youngest go to her apartment a couple of nites a week, but oldest will not set foot in apartment so I allow mother to visit her at home. I have no contact with her.She says she loves me and will always love me, but does not feel that spark, and does not know How to start over. Not prepared to give up OM and dream job. I still love her but I feel if affair continues after separation I will be to betrayed and used up to accept her back. She is very torn and does not even know if relationship with OM would work, but I feel she wants to try, knowing I am the fall back position.

Thom,

I think you need to realize that if it comes to a divorce, you will have lost virtually all of your love for her due to her lack of respect for you. You two can be civil but you will NEVER be friends and your family will be torn apart.

You need to tell her this as well. She needs to face the reality that she is going to lose you, if for no other reason that JUST ABOUT ANY WOMAN could and would treat you better than she has been and is treating you.

Have you exposed this affair to her family, your family, at work? Yes at work. Most affairs do not do well in the light of day. Now I will tell you exactly what to expect. If you have not exposed when you do, she will tell you "there was a chance but now there is not", "I loved you some but I hate you now." "you have hurt our family and my family by telling them", etc. All who expose hear this, but in most cases the affair starts dying.

There is NO chance for your marriage if the affair continues. So getting the affair to end, is the ONLY way to save your marriage IF it can be saved.

Obviously by the ages of your daughters, your marriage has been in place for awhile, and I wonder if your W is not having a MLC. I would imagine her behavior is hurting your daughters as well.

Oh and the spark will NOT return until OM is gone.

I hope you have read all of the articles on this site. I would strongly urge you to seek counseling with one of the Harley's. They can "coach" you into proper strategies, but until A is over and NC is established, they nor anyone else can help with the marriage.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Yes she could easily be having a MLC. When the affair began she had just spent the year watching her mother die in a hospice from ovarian cancer. Her friends that are close to me say they think that this has really messed her up. Yes co-workers know she is in affair with the boss, and her family all knows. Oldest sister has basically disowned her and wants to maintain constant contact with me, she thinks I am being mean to maintain this relationship with her sister and husband. Rest of her family wishes she would change her mind as they see the damage being done to everyone, but in the end they are going to stand by family. She doesn't see how cruel she is being to me, or is not willing to admit it to herself. She says she wakes in the night wondering how we let this happen and how this must be hurting me. You are right if the affair continues to long, the love will be gone and we will just be E mail civil. I have told her that when we are done, I will not be her friend or look on her anymore because it would be to painful. She says I am being mean to say this. My counselor says legalizing separation may force her to get off the fence!

Thanks so much for your input, it does help

Thomme,

How are things going? Have you come up with a plan to address this yet?

Look forward to hearing from you.

JL

BH 49
WW 47
Married 22 yr
Dis Day Mar. 06
A starting 2nd yr
Starting legal separation
3 DD 9, 14, 16 yr
Thanks JL I have been in plan B since last Oct but now that I have been reading more it was a pretty weak attempt. I would still break down every couple weeks and tell her I loved her and would take her back if only...Now I am emotionally stronger and prepared to let this thing die if thats the way it ends up, and I think my spouse is seeing that in me. I have no contact now except changeover and E mail business. She attempts to make small talk and joke about the girls and things, but I don,t make eye contact and just carry on. I think in her confused state now she thinks it would be nice if we could just be friends. I am beginning to think that mentally moving on and knowing that I am going to be fine was an emotional milestone I had to reach, and I have reached that point now. I read in MB that strong emotional affairs are very hard to break and its best to just get out of the way and take care of yourself and let the affair run its course. I am carrying on with the separation and Plan B and the rest is c'est le vie. I never realized how emotionally delicate my wife was and I think that watching her mother die for a year with cancer and our communication being at an all time low really hurt her and gave her business partner [censored] a wide open door to step in and meet all those needs that I was not meeting. Other than that I don't see anything I can do to force an early end to this trajedy, but I am open to suggestions. Everyone on both sides know of the A and Sue has just isolated herself to people who are her close friends or people who just don't want to talk about it.

Thomm,

You cannot force an end to the affair. You can expose it, you can do plan A, and plan B, but really plan A is to plant seeds showing you will make changes and that there is a way back to the marriage. Plan B is just a holding pattern to remove you from the trauma and drama of her affair thus slowing down the loss of love for her. Her A will most likely end. They mostly do. The only issue is will it end before you have lost all love and move on? If you have lost the love for her, recovery is not going to be easy. If you have lost the love for her and have moved on, she has lost you.

If you do end up divorced and have moved on, you can be relatively certain that she will approach you about getting back together. It seems to happen alot. I don't have much more to offer you other than to say...hang in there.

If you feel the need to talk to more people and get other opinions I would recommend you post in the GQ II section. Lots of expertise. I would also like to suggest that you talk to the Harley's they are really quite good at this stuff.

Must go, but hang in there.

God Bless,

JL