A friend has been emailing me about my situation and I think he's right. I started divorce proceedings and my crooked attorney and my husband's even more crooked attorney took over. Partially becuase I was tired at the time, my father had just died, I had a baby and I just wanted to "get it over with." This approach wasn't at all effective, especially since my attorney didn't even have the time - had too many cases, and didn't listen to anything I said. So now I'm proceeding again but my friend said to go to the first meeting with an attorney saying we are trying to agree and ask what we need to agree upon FIRST. So the attorney knows that they can't just take over. I need to study some books and such before going in and have a list of what I need to know. My ex is out of state so it's half a given that I will get main custody of my boy and he'll get visitation. I will supervise him myself as he comes to see my son - I don't want the "system" telling me what to do about my boy unless my husband gets really adversarial and wants too much. I'd back down from the money if I can get him to agree so we can get this over with. I can make my own money and start over. My friend said to convince my ex it's time so even he can move on with his life without sneaking around - he's been emailing girls and on single sites - yet trying to say he'd reconcile if he could. This would go on forever, my friend is right, and it's been over two years since I left him. Limbo isn't a fun place to be, I need closure. I have two meetings with two different attorneys in 3-4 weeks, should I get one more to make it three before I decide which one? Is there a way I can pay them by the hour rather then a retainer - most are so busy here I don't even think they'd let me do it by the hour, there are too many cases and they seem to be in control on that alone. I need to really research what happens in cases like this, someone on this site once said she did that - when to many attorneys asking some of the same questions over and over until she figured it out and did a lot of her divorce herself. There really is going to be a general procedure, and it will depend upon which judge gets this case - but attorneys know and they want to put weeks and weeks of work into something before even having a couple go through required mediation, a mediator told me that and I know it's true - so they can suck as much money out of cases and make them as adversarial as possible... it's sick but I have to get through this. Thanks for any input. I'm sure I'll have more questions as I proceed.

Horsey, just how far did you get with the other attorneys?
Did you get to an agreement? If not, I have some suggestions:
First, find an attorney who uses e-mail. This is very important for a control oriented person. This saved me quite alot of time and likely money. I could document things for my atty, and he could send me draft documents which I could correct and return.
Second, after confirming that they will email, I highly suggest you draft documents yourself. So what do you need the attorney for? To put them in legalese for your state.
From books or friends, draft your wish list of what you want. Be very specific, with all items. Spell it out. Don't wait for the atty to tell you - his job is to add value and tell you what you forgot that you should consider. Like college costs.

Now, Create you ultimate wish list. The book mom's house/dad's house has some good examples. Now, for each item in a second document, what can you live with regarding each item above. Then draft a 3rd version of this with the line in the sand - that is, where you won't go any lower.
Share version one with your attorney, and save version 2 & 3 for later (and these will become edited after conversations with attorney about what to expect in your state/situation).

One key included in our document was that X could revisit custody 12 months after each of us were settled in our homes. He never did ask for more. In your case, this would translate to: Parenting time could be reevaluated if requested by either party should a substantial move in address occur.
My point is: Once a plan is in place, most don't change.

YES, Thank you! I LOVE email, and you are right for someone into control - or not letting an attorney take control that should be a must. I am busy too.

I like the idea of being about to evaluate custody if anyone moves. Also being that my ex is emailing a woman who uses the f word in every sentence, also if there are concerns about the welefare of my boy should he get summers... my concern is summers at all as he did push/shove. I have lots of research to do.

Oh, and I love not adding value to an attorneys job... most of "those types of people" I don't want to give any additional credit to.

How will I figure out what I want. Maybe 20k cash and custody of my boy - major decision making since my ex is out of state? My boy's health insurance to be paid for and my own for at least 2 years? I'm self employed, that's going to be rough actually. He's paying $500 per month "child support" right now but legally since he makes 100k per year it'd be a lot higher, what do I do with that? I'd of course keep the truck that he paid for, he sold my car anyways. A "dirty" divorce would be worth a lot more money, I don't show a lot on my taxes, he's invested more and put more into retirement. I need a downpayment for a house basically. He took all furniture, everything, I took nothing thus far. He refused to mail me a dime before I filed, then I backed out.

Can an agreement be made? My friend I think is right to try to reason with him, he has to know our marriage is over, he's a banker, he'll know it's in his best interest not to fight and fight so long as I don't try to push him out of my boy's life. He is now just showing up whenever he wants to see my boy - I'm getting a little tired of it but it's ok. He goes with flight specials as he's out of state. He's been coming once or twice a month. Now I'm going to have to be around him because they were playing rough last weekend and there was a bruise. Then slowly I'll let them be together alone again, my boy is almost three, it's a hard age but basically an attorney said they'd decide to give him more and more time - which I agree. But I'm not sure I want him to have summers, how will we decide on that?

Thank you, and YES, YES, YES to email. I'll actually call back those I have appointments with and see if they email - that drove me totally insane with my last attorney as he didn't even have an email - and I hate the phone, I'm on the phone too much for business. And I can't stand constant meetings wasting time. THANKS even for that HUGE TIP....

If we have to see a mediator anyways - required by law in this state, would it be possible for us to hire a mediator before either of us has an attorney? The mediator might help us - and then if we could agree we could go to an attorney, even use the same one? I could still meet with several attorneys to get my questions answered about "what generally happens in a case like this?" Ex in another state, a 3 year old boy, some "bad" history in our marriage, the money, etc? Too bad I can't hire an attorney by the hour just to advise me before mediation but no one would LIKE that would they? Why do they always have to take over?