Ok,...During my A, my H had an EA. It was the last 2months, when I had moved out. She worked at a bar where he went very often. He made some new friends there, and wants to go back. This OW had me banned from the bar, after I had gone there with my H a few times after we had gotten back together. She said it was too uncomfortable having me there.

I have big issues about him going back there. We talked about it in MC, and I said I didnt want him there because I knew he would want to go on fri and sat nights when she is working(those are party nights), and that he wouldnt be able to just leave it at hi, and not go into, "Im good, how are you?" stuff. He agreed that he wasnt sure he could do that.

He went there 2x last week, told me about the first and lied to me about the 2nd time. Finally fessed up the 4th time I mentioned it. I had solid evidence. I dont think she was working the nights he was there, and that makes me feel better. But is this ok? Do I have a right to disagree with this? And are there any other questions that I may need to ask myself?

Do I have a leg to stand on? Please help with some insight?

Are you two using Marriage Builders concepts to rebuild your marriage?

I try to, he wont use any resources suggested to him, not even by the MC. He did fill out the EN questionaire when I asked him, and has agreed to do IC.

If you are going to use MB principles, I would suggest buying
Surviving an Affair (SAA)
LoveBusters (LB)
His Needs Her Needs (HNHN)

This will be a particular challenge as you strayed 1st. That does not absolve your BH/WH from taking responsibility for his actions, but it is definitely possible he is "punishing" you with this EA.

Your best best is to read the above titles and start PlanAing your WH. Use the boards to vent and get advice on how to communicate effectively with your BH/WH. Since you flushed your marriage vows with your A, your BH/WH is going to feel a lot more entitled to his and causing you pain may be his only goal.

TG,

Am I hearing you correctly? Your BH had an EA last year for two of the four months you had moved out during your A?

Then you moved back in and since then, have been working on recovery? Did he continue seeing this bartender during that time? When did you become aware of the EA?

To keep things honest...your BH is lying and continuing contact with an AP...that's the truth. Are you in Plan A?

You can disagree with anything, TG...your past does not inhibit your present. You are free to do so. You have personal boundaries you hold yourself to now (I hope) and marital ones. This would be an attack on your marriage.

You know this road because you walked it yourself...you didn't have boundaries then...you do now. Your marriage always had boundaries; doesn't sound like either you were conscious or honoring of them.

You've changed. You know this road...I know this road...because of my past, and DH had an EA/PA for two months. His choices are purely his...not about you...just as yours was about you...not him.

My DH worked with OW...for three months. You can do this...you can honor your marital boundaries and state he's lying about his whereabouts, putting partying ahead of your marriage. Doesn't say a thing about what you did...he is choosing to do so now.

Good boundary enforcements are predetermined (in a calm mind) and progressive. You cannot enforce that which you violate yourself.

You have three young DD's...takes a lot of parenting time, together...and then 15 hours a week for you two, together, of UA time...not much room for the partying time...with reason.

However, you guys using your 15 hours for RC time...not at that place, others...doing the RC inventory and having a blast may give you both new meaning to party time. Sure did for WH and me during my Plan A time.

And my DH didn't do MB, either...however, he did MC/IC, which was huge...and still is for him, over two years later.

Depends on how much you guys talk--communication exercises, RC, reconnection time spent, alone...we included healing massages...trust massages...to work our way back to each other...change from enemies to partners again...and really for the first time. We were married 15 years...you can do this, as well.

Your choice. Disagreeing has no impact...stating truth, acting from love and enforcing boundaries DOES...because they are actions you choose to do about you and your marriage.

LA

MB principles aside, this one is a no-brainer.

Of course you have a right to object to your husband willingly putting himself in a situation where he will be seeing another woman with whom he once had an EA.

How can a waitress get you "banned" from her work place? That's ridiculous.

You go WITH your husband, if he insists on going on nights she's working, and too tough for her.

If your husband insists you stay home, then you have bigger problems that need to be addressed in MC. He might be holding onto his EA with her "just in case" and he's protecting her rather than you. And he needs to get to a place where he will outright reject her. He's apparently not there yet.

~ Snow

Since you BH/WH has agreed to IC, make an appt with Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers as the IC. If you talk to them, they can help you develop a "sales pitch" for your BH/WH to talk to them.

They can be the "enforcer" of MB principles so you don't have to the bad guy.

Nasty stuff.

I'll be watching your thread like a hawk trigirls.

As the sitch involved double infidelity like mine.

Good Luck with your efforts.

You are in the right place for good...no....GREAT help saving your marriage.

Right,...it was 2-3months of the 31/2 months I was moved out. I moved back home and we started working on R.

I was aware of the EA and the extent of it shortly after we had gotten back together. She continued to text him here and there. One night he and I went out seperately, and I showed up unexpectedly at the bar and her stuff was in the bar stool next to his, and to say the least my appearance silence the entire bar. The look on his face said it all.

I had a calm conversation with the OW and told her that I did not want her to call or text my husband behimd my back again. She is friends with the manager and she banned me.

I suppose because my A was so fresh, I was trending lightly. I told him I did not want him to go back there,...ever! That was about 8-9months ago. He's been wanting to go back for awhile and hasnt, until recently.

I do feel he may be holding on to his feelings of the EA "just in case" by things that he has said recently. And that is why I dont trust him to go back, especially now that hes lied to me about being there.

I dont think he's even being honest with himself about this or how he's feeling about anything. How can he be honest with me?

So what I'm hearing is that contact has continued through the time you've known about it. Did she stop text/calls after you told her to? Did you check the records?

One of the vital parts of Plan A is to bring reality. Gotta know it first.

What do you think of Plan A, TG?

LA

Yuck! Double infidelity, I guess I hadnt even thought to consider it an EA before, but now with the things hes been saying and the desire to return, its made me believe otherwise. Especially now that the fog of my own has cleared, and I take another look at it.

I honestly believed that he didnt have that strong of feelings for her. Could it have really been the fog?

This is going to be a tough battle. Im so angry at him. For him to demand and rightfully so all this time that I be nothing but open and honest about everything. I was, completely and now to find out that he hasnt been. GRRRRR!
Im a niave to believe that he hasnt continued the EA all this time? I really dont think so,...but yet cant understand where all this is coming from.

A small taste of my own medicine, I suppose. Still wrong though!

LA,
No I dont think it has continued. She did stop. There were always odd, unknown numbers on his phone but its his business phone so who knows. I did have her number in my phone and he erased it alwhile ago,...5months ago, maybe.

I dont know what I think of plan A,...I feel lost.

Trigirls...

How sure are you that this was not a PA? He was hanging out at a bar with her? That makes me question the whole EA angle...I really think that you need to snoop this all out a bit more...INSPECT what you EXPECT, yanno?

Mrs. W

So we met with our MC yesterday, and sorted this mess out. Heres what I believe to be true:

He did have an EA, and things probably would have turned to PA if I had not moved back home when I did. Funny how things work. H was giving OW very mixed messages, and at one point she told him he would have to choose.

I think she absolutely had plans for my husband and her to be together, as her feeling for him had increased and he was fully aware of that. She made him feel good and gave him the attention that I wasnt, and he didnt stop her from doing so. I know that he started to have feelings for her.

I think he feels badly for leading her on, I told him that I dont think it was the right thing for him to do, but that she also had some responsiblilty in this too. She was fully aware that he was married and she was willing to go down that moral-less path, and that was her choice.

As far as the bar goes,...he has agreed to ask the manager if I could return as I am no threat to anyone and never was.
He did state that he really didnt want me there because that was "his place". I told him that there was no way in
h#ll that I was going to allow him to go back if I wasnt allowed there. So it does leave me to question whether I was ever really banned in the first place, as he was the one that told me, not the manager.

The MC asked why I didnt trust him to remain in the bounderies, that he did believe that H wouldnt cross them. I said that I did trust him not to cross the bounderies, but that he was such a polite guy that I didnt believe that he wouldnt say hello and ask how the OW was if she were to approach him, which given the history, thats not exceptable and I would stop at nothing to protect my marriage.

So if he is to go there and she there or comes in, he is to leave and come home. He now "doesnt even want to go if its gonna be that big of an issue." hmmmm

God I just want things to be good, it seems like if its not one thing its another.

I will differ from others here. First and foremost... IF your H is as home and working ont he M he shoudl NOT be going to that bar...with you or without you!

But... if I read your situation correct, I do not think your H had an affair... you left him for another man... in my book, he was free to date if he so chose to. The only issue that I see on the table is that if he is now working on the marriage with you, then his actions are not appropriate. Just because you had an affair does not mean that you have to accept everything he wants to do. You can and should state your displeasure with this. It doesn't mean he will respect your wishes... it just means you have set your personal boundaries.

Right, hes sees it that way as well. I have no idea what to think and actually try not to analyze it too much. He loves me and wants our M to work, thats what matters most to me.

In setting my own personal boundaries, what do I do if he goes back there, even after expressing my wishes against it?

I do believe he wants to and will return, eventually. Its a sore spot now, but when feelings cool down he will go back. I have absolutely no interest in being there.