FH-
I have questions for you, but read that you were leaving the sight, so I'll wait for your reply before posting questions.
Thanks
W2BF

Bump..

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. I have been busy both at work and on a couple of other threads. What you read was from last January. I am back, albiet on a more limited basis, and am restricting my posting to a limited number of threads.

How can I help you?

Hi FH,
I have been reading off and on for 3-4 years. I appreciate your Christian views as I am a Christian as well, that is why I am directing my questions to you.

I am not able to post much over the weekend, but will be able to answer/ask more in detail Monday.

I am a 41yr old WW. Married 24 Years, two sons 15 and 14.
After reading your posts, I believe I read your wife had a 6 year affair and after two years of recovery she had still been in contact with OM and you finally said no more. ( I hope I have this right.)

I would like to know how your marriage is doing and how your wife is doing.

I really hate to post this, but I've been a WW for 9 years with the same OM. It's been off and on. The OM does not live in my area, moved away about 3 years ago after H found out about the A. The OM divorced his wife 7 years ago and has been waiting for me since then. The last 3 years since he's moved there has been little physical contact, I have not seen him for over 8 months, so it's basically an EA. I have been wanting to end it for sometime now, but guilt, because of promises I made have kept me from doing it. (The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak). I know this must be done, it is killing all of us. OM is waiting, but I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not leaving my family, seems we always get to this point and I don't leave. I can't. This will sound hipicritical, but my conscious and beliefs won't let me. The more I read the word, attend church and pray, pray, pray, I don't want to go down this path anymore. We have reaped alot of consequences for this sin and I know it will be destruction if I continue in this path. I just can't make myself end it. OM places his very life and happiness on me and reminds me often how he gave up everything for me, including his kids and I should do the same. I also hear the classic line, your kids will be fine. I know that's not the truth. And I am very angry at the path I've taken and the guilt the OM is laying on me. He is a grown man and made his own decisions, but to put all his hope in me is wrong and is alot of pressure.

That is the short version of what's going on. H does not know there has been contact after DD 3 years ago. I want this over and done, yet I'm racked with misplaced guilt toward OM, I should not feel guilty about wanting to save my familiy and get on the right path with them.

Any advice you can offer would be great. I'd really like to know how your wife finally cut off all contact.

Thanks,
W2BF

Hello Want2Bfree. I am glad to hear that you are a Christian, and if you’ve read my story and understand my “views,” then you already know my advice and position concerning affairs, especially for believers. So I am curious as to what questions you might have and what you might want my help or advice about.



Time is not a problem. Take all the time you need. I also have demands on my time that make it difficult to post at times.




So you married at 17. Perhaps a component of your affair getting started was the old “I wonder what I missed out on.” But unless you provide some details, all that can be done is more of this sort of “guessing game,” and that’s not very helpful to anyone.



You have it basically correct. Her affair was a continuous 6 year affair. There were 4 years of occasional contact, much more frequent contact (i.e. daily and/or weekly) for the first year of recovery. Suffice to say for now that I was very close a number of times during our recovery to ending the marriage. Here’s the “bottom line” that you are not going to like. For me, marriage is ONE man and ONE woman and ONE God. That’s it. There is NO room for anyone else in the marriage, and that is final for a Christian.




Our marriage is Recovered for about a year now and doing fine. My wife, as I assume is behind your question, is very much in love with me(what and how she says it is very much what I had hoped for when we began recovery), very regretful of her WW past, and gets very angry with others who are engaging in affairs because she now knows all the signs, all the excuses, all the lies, and all the damage that affairs have and do to everyone, especially the children. She still “beats herself up” over all the time she neglected our youngest daughter during her teenage years and she blames herself for the difficulties that our daughter has dealt with and is still dealing with.



I understand the “I just can't make myself end it.” You can’t end it on your own. My wife couldn’t end her affair on her own either. We can talk about that more later.

Now let me be perfectly clear about this next point, because if you are a born again Christian you MUST understand this point. There will be NO unrepentant adulterers/adulteresses in heaven. The Scripture is clear and definitive on that point and that’s not an “opinion.” Therefore, someone who is willfully engaged in an affair, and thinks that they are a Christian, needs to really think about who they are truly lying to. The answer, of course, is themselves. Lying to God won’t work, because God knows the truth. Lying to others won’t work, because they can’t save your soul. But make no mistake about it, Jesus has plainly said that there will be many who face him on the “last day” who “think” they are Christians, but who he will tell, “Away from me you evildoers, I NEVER knew you.”

You worry about the OM and what he “gave up for you.” So let me ask you a question, what did God give up for you? Are you not worried about spitting on Christ and his sacrifice for you? On the final day, when you and the OM are “roasting” together, who’s sacrifice for you will be more important and more valuable?



What you are feeling is the conviction of the Holy Spirit. “Wanting” is not enough. “Wishing” is not enough. You must “DO.”

Let’s be perfectly frank here for a minute. Pain and suffering is GOING to happen, it’s only a matter of time and severity. My wife, to name just her problems as a result of her affair, was so stressed by the problem of living a double life that she began to suffer health and mental problems. There were problems with our children, the lie that the children will be all right is just that…a gross lie. It was very difficult for me to BE forgiving and do what Christ would do because I am human and I have feelings and emotions too.

Let me also tell you that, if you truly want to end this affair and have a chance at keeping your marriage intact, you are going to have to tell your husband about the contacts. Extraordinary measures will need to be put into place to “help” you from any contact, because there can never be any contact of any kind or for any reason with the OM for the rest of your life. That is just one “cost” of stepping over the infidelity line, and it is the “least” you owe your husband.

You need to tell me more about your husband, his relationship with Christ, what happened and what he said 3 years ago, etc. Let me tell you that when he becomes aware of the contacts, and he will eventually whether you tell him or not, ALL trust in you will be gone and he will seriously consider divorce. Trust is an essential part of a marriage and it can’t survive without it. Trust can be rebuilt, but not if there is any contact. If your husband is at all like I am, he WILL NOT live the rest of his life “looking over his shoulder.”

So let me ask you another question or two.

Is this OM who has demonstrated is total lack of respect for marriage, REALLY “marriage material” upon which to build a lifelong marriage?

Considering your husband, your children, relatives, church friends, your “life,” what will your life be like when it’s “just you and the self-centered OM?”



I kept catching her having contact. One day the “light bulb” finally went on in her head and she realized, an actually said, “I really need to be concerned about your feelings first instead the OM’s feelings.” Bingo. “Forsaking ALL others and keeping myself only unto you.” Forsaking means forsaking. Understanding that the FIRST priority is obedience to God, God faithfully heals a broken marriage where BOTH the husband and wife are becoming more “Christ-like” in their individual walks and in their marriage in their God-given roles AS husband and wife.

It seems obvious to me that you are involved in a Class II affair. Why are you still with your husband and family?

Now, let’s get specific. What questions do you have and what do truly want to do? I'm also curious about what you "want2bfree" from, as it could be your marriage or your OM.


And one final question for you for now; Are you willing to be obedient to God no matter what you are feeling? If not, why not?

W2BF:

I will address this for you:




The same way I did after my 4.5 A with the OW. I stopped. I had the support of my BW to make it stick as well.

Stop living the lie. Your H believes that you stopped contact on DDay, or quickly thereafter.

You have not. You may be in contact via phone, text, email, snail mail or other means. Stop.

Tell your H. What you have been doing.

He, yes He, can help you enforce NC.

My BW helped with enforcement right after DDday as well. And my love for her grew even more from these actions.

One other Question, If you haven't left after 9 year's, and 3 years after discovery, when would you ever go?

I knew 6-8 months into my affair that I wasn't going to leave. If BW threw me out, I had an option, yes, but I liked the danger/excitement/admiration/the other sick things that the A represented. But I knew I wasn't leaving W.

And on Dday, BW stepped right up to the plate to fight back for me. I never expected that, but she did. It helped that I came clean at that time as well.

So, Stop all contact.

Tell your Husband.

AND then you will see the pain melt away.

LG

Good Morning ForeverHers,
Thank you for answering. I was able to read your response Saturday night and had much to think about.
Yes, I am a born again Christian and I do believe marriage is one man, one woman and one God, that's it.
The one word you said that I've read a hundred times and just didn't get until Sat night was UNREPENTANT. It finally registered that there is a difference between confession and repentance. Confession acknowledges, but repentance turns away. If I divorced my H and married OM, then asked forgiveness, I'm still in a state of unrepentance as I did not turn from my sin, but I'm still continuing it. That may seem obvious to some, but it was finally revelation to me. So, thank you for that.
Worry, No. He is a grown man who made his own choices. Does he constantly remind me and play on my guilt, yes.
I do not want to drag Jesus through the mud any longer and I regret starting conversation with OM. Jesus did sacrafice his life for my sin and I don't want to continue in it.

Marriage material, no. If he had integrity (and I'm not saying I did or do) he would not have anything to do with me and he would not be encouraging me to hurt my family anymore than I already have.
My life would be down the toilet with OM because after all this time, I finally see the reality of what I've done and what would happen if I had a life with OM.


Yes, Class II. I am still with my family because I want what Christ died for me for. Victory. I don't want the paths of destruction to continue for my kids.


I guess the main question was how your wife ended the affair and how you both recovered. I will ask more as we go along.
I want2bfree from sin, bondage and OM.
I wantwbfree to obey God's word and let him do what He wants.



I will make this short as possible. My H does not have a relationship with God. He does not like me going to church. He fought me when the kids were younger about them going to church and now that they are older, he says they don't have to go, now, they rarely attend. He has counseled with my pastor concerning our marriage and has had every opportunity to invite God into his life, but he refuses. I attend twice a week, he makes snide comments and tries to use guilt to keep me home, ie: I'm taking time away from the family, etc...
Three years ago when H found out about the A, he went ballistic which I knew he would. He told me to kiss the bullets as he was loading his 357 to shoot OM. He then told me I needed to shoot myself. He then proceeded to tell my boys alot of ugly details about the A that they didn't need to know.

I married young, but was ready to marry. I had alot of responsibilty growing up, my mom was immature, had married three times and had alot of men in between. She worked a couple jobs, I had to raise my brothers. I was sexually abused by my step father and two uncles. The abuse stopped when I was 11 and at age 14, mom and step dad divorced for the 2nd time because mom finally found out about abuse.
I loved my H and we married. He was insecure and jealous as he had been married before, very young and his first wife cheated on him. I thought I could change him with my love...that didn't happen, he felt trapped. (he told me years later he didn't want to get married) After two years of marriage, he left me. I suspected he was having an A. I found out years later that he did. Also during the seperation I had a class I A. H wanted to get back together, I reluctantly said OK. Things were going good so I thought and three years later he left me again, went to explore another relationship. ( I also found out about this later) He wanted to get back together, I said yes. I had recommitted my life to Jesus and though his coming back was a good thing, but for me it was the beginning of the end. During the second seperation I had a very short EA.
I thought with God in the picture, us getting back together would be a good thing. We had kids a few years later, H found out about EA when I was pregnant with 2nd son. He accused me of a PA, said he couldn't trust me, etc and the whole time he had 2 affairs and I didn't know. He held his guilt over me and I paid for both our sins. He constantly monitored where I went, what I wore, who I talked to, etc. It got to the point I totally shut down. I didn't talk to anyone, go anywhere, do anything. This way, he had nothing to accuse me of and, we had no relationship. After 5 years of this, enter OM, co-worked, guy I've know for years. I ended up doing what I was accused of for so long. Didn't matter to me, marriage had been over for years, I was tired of H's control, threats, etc. H told me he'd take the kids if I left him and I'd never see them again. He threated the guy I had an EA with for several years. So, I was ready to move on with OM, trouble was, I couldn't make myself drag my kids through divorced, etc. Even though OM did. I ended the A 4-5 times, but here I am again wanting this done for good.
As far as the condition of my marriage today, H knows I don't have romantic feelings for him, knows I'm there for the kids only. Thru the years of this affair, I was able to stand up for myself to H, his controlling, anger, etc has no affect on my anymore, he has lost control and this makes him angrier. He still makes threats, his most recent was that if I left him for the church, someone would die. My pastor has told me a few times that if I leave him, I need to be ready to go into hiding.
Well, guess I've said enough for now. Given you plenty to comment on.
Final thoughts, I believe anything is possible with God. I don't know where the marriage will end up, but I do know that I am His daughter and he will take care of me and the boys. I've made many bad choices and they can all be forgiven, yet there are consequenses that I am now living with. I take full responsibility for my choices. H did not force me into OM's arms, but H is partly responsible for the condition of the marriage.
My first step is to end it with OM which I intend to do.
Thanks,
W2BF

By the way, the following email was from OM after I told him H and I agreed on a discipline situation with son.

Seems like you and H are agreeing on things more and more these days.....Things have leveled out....I'm not sure if I needed to step off and let you continue on with your life.....You don't act like A person wanting to get out of that relationship.....I do Love you but here we go again....I really don't what to be a pain in the ____....I feel you do'nt feel the need or the pressure to get out....I'm getting to the point that I'm needing to get on with my life because this doesn't seem to be going to happen.....I'm not saying right now...I'm just telling you how it looks to me.....I need some peace in my life and I want it with you.....PLEASE!!!!!...I don't want to make that choice...I Love you....

Bump

Lady W2F...

You need to:

1. confess your affair to your husband

2. end the affair cold turkey and never see/speak/contact OM ever, for the remainder of your lives

3. apologize to OM's wife for screwing up her family & her life

4. confess your affair to your pastor

5. confess your affair to your adult or near adult children

Pep

Pepperband,

1. Not yet
2. Will do
3. Already done
4. Done that too, says to cut it off now
5. Not a chance

in other words

get up out of the mud

wash yourself completely clean

and

do

not

jump

back

into

the

mud

1. why not?

2. why not today

First step in getting out of the mud is getting rid of OM which I am doing.
One step at a time....please...can't even think of talking to H right now...

what does this mean ~~~> "I am doing."

You do it.

In a letter.

Not in person.

Without "I love you"

short
brief
cold

"What we did was wrong. I regret everything about our sin. This adultery stops today. Do not ever contact me again for any reason."

*slam the door*
~lock the door~
*walk away (quickly)*

THOSE are the steps

Exposure kills 99% of affairs DEAD. Think of it as Domestos for your life.

You won't be able to end it of your own strength while OM is willing to keep it going.

Exposure stops him wanting to keep it going and posts a guard in both yours and his bedrooms to make sure it stops.

Do as Pep says and you take your first dignified steps in a decade.

Fail to do this and you will continue to hate what you have become.

H's way of handling things is to wave a gun around and threaten to shoot everyone, not into that right now.

Will not see OM, he does not live here, but will be telling him via phone or email. Can't talk to him right now. I'm leaving work now and there will be no conversation with OM until tomorrow.

I thought my way of handling an affair, should it ever happen, would be to kick out my wife's cheating @ss and kill OM too - until I was faced with the reality of my wife's affair.

And I rose up,surprised everyone and won back the love of my wife and our marriage.

Do not underestimate your H. * MOST * BS try towork on recovery. *MOST* Harley's experience, not mine.

Tell your H and OMS W. Now.

Why is it
one has to wonder

when a woman is married to a man who likes to wave loaded guns around in the air ...

she puts herself and others IN HARMS WAY by doing the VERY thing that is guaranteed to enrage her husband

????

why is that????

It's like saying...

I am married to a man who might kill me if I have and affair ~~~> so, I think I'll have an affair......

don't phone him
he's your heroin