W2BF:

Why not schedule a session with either Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers of MB?

They will know, frankly far better than any pastor could, how 2 safely tell your H the truth, and then can help the 2 of you with a plan for recovery.

-ol' 2long

Thank you, I think I will. I know my situation will be no suprise to them and they will be able to give me good counsel without their own emotions getting in the way.

W2BF...

Think of it this way...Your husband is dying and needs CPR...You don't know CPR, but you PERSONALLY know one person that does, but then you find out that that person is out of town...Do you stand back and say "Oh well, I guess he'll just have to die"??? NOOOOOOOOOO...You IMMEDIATELY find someone else that can save his life...Well that is where we are now then...Call a friend, call a neighbor, heck call the police if you must as witnesses, but TELL YOUR HUSBAND TODAY!!!

And seriously, you've been dealing with a DANGEROUS husband for 24 years? WHY WOULD YOU STAY IN THAT??? When you read the post that you typed about that, does it make sense to you? Instead of engaging in an affair, why didn't you just divorce him FIRST and then go an pursue the OM???

Also, if your husband is opposed to seeing your pastor, how in the world do you think that you are going to convince him to go now? Further, if I were trying to gently tell my VICTIM anything, I would want to do it where it might be a bit more comfortable for them, yanno? You keep implying that your husband is abusive, can you see that you are also an abuser?

Look, I know that much of what is being said to you sounds harsh, but honestly we are all very caring people just trying to get you to do the right thing...Political correctness is really not important to us...Think about it, Jesus was probably the least politically correct guy around...How do you suspect he would be talking to you right now about this? My guess is it would NOT be with "pat pat weasel words"...Nope, Jesus would be giving you the brass tacks...The most caring and loving thing you can do for someone is to tell them the truth...

Mrs. W

You will NEVER find someone more agressive with domestic violence than me. Never. But I can tell you that you just have one excuse after another for failing to do the right thing. You will put this off and hope to find someone that will tell you that you shouldn't tell him because of blah, blah, blah.
Stop making excuses. Do the right thing and if need be, have someone there when you tell him. But let me tell you... you were not so afraid of him that you weren't getting it on with another man for 9 years. Something just doesn't click with you.
If you care to see my views on DV, look up my thread with that exact title.

This concerns me, too.

And listen, my ex could be very emotionally abusive, and my kids would say physically, too (I spent many years in fear of him, the threat was always there, and so were the holes in the walls and doors hanging off hinges).

I "get it"...

My unfaithfulness lasted only months and I was scared $hitless of him finding out... for the reasons you describe and my own obviously selfish reasons. (By the way, when he did he feel to pieces and acted out, as MANY BS's do. Just as I did when I was a BS before him. But that's for another discussion. It's he11 finding out, no matter what!)

I cannot imagine YEARS of deception with the potential for an abusive H's wrath... something just doesn't feel connected here...

I hope this doesn't 2rn out 2 be another "Sarie". But I think I have more faith in this MBer than I did in that one (for which I had none at all).

Look it up.

-ol' 2long

I agree.

WTBF,

What did your BH do when he found out about your A three years ago? Did he hit you? Shoot you?

Did you need a second person there to protect you from him?


-------------------------------------------

I understand why you don't want to tell your BH. None of us enjoyed telling ours.

So, why did we tell?

B/c it was the right thing to do.

The honest thing to do.

It was another step in the right direction.

It was an act of faith to believe it would help our M.



Why after several sessions was it time to bring BH in?

Why wasn't your IC about YOU?

Did you discuss your 6 year A w/ the IC?

WANT2BEFREE,

What do you want to be free from?

I have a hunch it is more than OM.

~ Marsh

New Beginning,


My IC said it was my "get even" and that I subconsciously "hated men" because of my abuse and abandonment in my childhood and by my H when we first got married...I felt helpless as a child, not able to get away from my abusers or get help and it's carried over...

sounds like you need a counselor that will not enable you!

Marsh,

H wanted to know the "why" of the A, so after several IC, I was ready to open up and talk to him, with IC there and H couldn't handle it.

Yes, IC was about me, in turn, giving answers to H.

Yes, A was discussed with IC, the main reason I went.

As I stated in a previous post, I want to be free FROM OM and free TO be the person God wants me to be...
That does include becoming an honest person...

MEDC,

You are so judgemental. My IC didn't enable, just helped uncover alot of garbage, it took alot of time to wade through it. She never once said what I was doing was right or OK and advocated the same things you all do.

A woman that has been wayward for 9 years and has taken a baby step toward recovery while leaving her H in the dark is calling me judgemental... guess what sister... guilty as charged! I do judge infidelity and lying to ones spouse. I do judge excuses and avoidance. So, yep, I am.

and God does not want you to BECOME an honest person... he wants you to BE an honest person. The difference between being honest today and waiting is nothing more than excuses.

I believe you were judging the counselor, not me...

no, I was questioning the counselors thoughts(which may be right and they may be wrong...but frankly that doesn't change for one second what you need to do or for your handling your business as an adult) and your willingness to accept something that might help you NOT do the right thing.

WTF,

I chose that as an abreviation..

What do you hope to get here? I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental but I don't get why you are here.

So here.

1. Break it of with OM
2. Admit to your H you are/were having an a for the last ......years.
3. Beg his forgiveness and tell him you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.
4. Talk to a pro M MC. The Harleys might be a good start.
5. Stop making excuses and justificaitons.
6. Start taking ownership. I didn't have a perfect life. My dad was an alcholic, who cheated on my mom, slapped me around and couldn't keep a job. I don't sleep around on my FWW.
7. Stop doing what you know to be wrong today then say I am trying to be better. Like MEDEC said stop trying to become somehting you could be today.

Anyone else feel free to just add to this list and then go about posting to people who need help not attention.

I'm real tired of not doing the right thing

Didn't YOU want to know why?


What were the why's of your A?

What did you learn about yourself?

Do you really blame your H for not being able to "handle" everything that came at him after your 6 year old A?

Did you really expect him to be tender w/ your feelings after you had trampled all over his?

My guess is that he wanted you to own what you did. Not find excuses for it.

I'll bet he wanted you to discover something about yourself so that he could say, "She's different now. She knows where she went wrong, and is REALLY sorry for what she did and will work at making certain it never happens again."

Do you see how you failed him here?

Failed yourself?




I believe you.

So, why won't you be honest w/ your BH then?

~ Marsh

This sounds as though he was explaining how you became an abuser.

"Getting even" and "hating men" are things that abusers do.

Lying and cheating is abusive.

Can you see this?

Like Pep, said earlier, you have become what you hated.

That's not said to insult you.

You can only change what you are willing to recognize.

~ Marsh

Here's the thing...

I see you comforting yourself and enabling yourself to continue to DO wrong with making fantasy "plans" to do right in the safely distant future.

That is not sincere despite how much you may agree with the changes you "plan" to make.

Talking with your couselor about WHY is a usefull thing to do in the right context...this may be an issue that takes the rest of your life to explore.

However not requiring any actual change in choices IS enabling so your counselor is not helping you actually BECOME an honest person who is not abusing her H.

Your navel gazing is not helping you change your behavior..right now it is helping you JUSTIFY it and so I judge it to be a destructive thing in your life RIGHT NOW although I think that it is entirely your choice to allow it to be so.