My h and I have messed up our lives to such a degree that we have no idea how to rebuild! We are finally, completely committed to each other and our marriage but there is complete devastation all around us. We are in the middle of a divorce and poised to battle it out in court over our child. But it just really hit us yesterday that all this is NOT what we want when the judge ruled no contact between us at all, even between my husband and our baby until the hearing next month. (mainly cuz baby is currently with me, not cuz dad is detrimental to son) All of our friends, family and other children are hoping we just end it and get it over with. But we mutually broke the no contact last night and talked. We have both been so hurt although mainly our marital problems started out with him being disloyal to me and our marriage through internet means. This introduced deception and outright lies into our lives, which then snowballed into anger, withholding, more lies, "seeing" other people, and separation. We are going to MC on Monday to see if he can help us get back on track, but it just seems so overwhelming! Like rebuilding after the whole infrastructure of the world has been destroyed. Any ideas?

Call the Harleys, set up a phone appointment, and follow their lead...

We have stupidly put so much financially into this legal battle of each other and trying to set up and maintain separate households, that we are really in a bind right now. I will talk to h about calling Harley but I know the money might just not be there. The MC we are seeing on Monday is covered under insurance. Are there any suggestions about other avenues to explore in the meantime? DD is at a school event tonight and we (h and I) are planning to get together to talk again and so he can see son. It's ridiculous though cuz I have to go pick him up and smuggle him into my house to even do this! I've been reading more on this site and can see that LB's are a major part of why we are where we are. Maybe we can talk about this tonite. I did tell him on the phone just now about my post on here, asking for guidance. Our trust level is still so low though that we call each other with our number blocked so that if either of us freaks out a reverts back to former behavior, than the other doesn't have proof of breaking the no contact order!!! Meeting isn't as scary cuz obviously we would both be guilty since we're both present. Seems as if we still have the nucs aimed and ready, huh?

Make a list of the poor marriage behaviors that YOU own ... post them here.

Let's take a look at what YOU need to work on.

Pep

You confuse me ... you state you are in the middle of a divorce, but just a few days ago you said:


[color:"red"]exactly what is the status of your marriage?

1. working out the details of a pending divorce

2. working out the details of an early recovery [/color]

I know it's very confusing.. even to me. We are in the middle of a divorce, filed by me in January, in response to his threatening to take away our child and never letting me see him again.(yes, I know this is unlikely, but I have a history of depression and a suicide attempt years ago, and then with post-partem depression on top of that, attempted suicide again on New years eve. This was the reasoning that he said he would use to prove I was/am an unfit mother. I was also raised by single mom who constantly kept us kids in mortal fear of "being taken away", so this threat by him seemed to trigger an overwhelming urge to legally protect my parental rights by getting custody in court) But then within a few weeks of filing for divorce, we decided to hold off the divorce and work on our marriage with "a time frame of six months to work into moving back in together."

Things went downhill however from this day onward... "My fwh has been doing so well in his committment to our marraige and with NC, but he is having a hard time dealing with my overwhelming sadness right now. I also am feeling the urgency of not wasting life or time with my family. We've been separated for awhile now and had agreed to a time frame of six months to work into moving back in together. But with all this happening I have felt like I wanted to do so immediately. He didn't cope with this info well and it turned into a fight. Like I said, I don't think he knows how to deal with the intensity of my feelings right now, but he also felt like I was "going back" on our aggreement to do this right, not jumping into anything and making it worse."

That was a Friday. He still seemed somewhat distant on Saturday. Sunday found me starting to feel sad and clingy. I approached him for a hug and started crying. I asked how he does it.. knowing we have agreed to six months
apart, yet I find it so hard to go through this with my father, without my husband there to lean on. I told him I was lonely and it's hard for me think about the difficulties we are facing in the repair of our marraige. I wasn't saying any of this in trying to get him to change his mind about the six months, I was just sharing my feelings and hurt and fears. He seems to think I'm wanting to start a fight and says that he will not spend his day off fighting with me. I cry more and say I don't want to fight either. He stomps out of the house on his way to baseball practice. I usually go to the ball field with him and watch but this time I just go back to my apt and clean house and cry some more. Monday comes. He has given me a total of $400 in child support (even though we don't have a court order yet) in 3 months and has been asking for me to give him a receipt. So I leave it on his counter when I head off to work Monday night. While I'm at work, he leaves me an angry phone message asking what the H**L the yellow paper on the counter is. I call him on my break and explain. I had written "to whom it may concern" at the top in case he needed to show it to the magistrate or child support enforcerment or whatever in the future and I didn't have a receipt book. He was very angry about this and I couldn't understand why. I was so upset about this that I didn't feel even capable of finishing my shift, so left work about 1/2 an hour later and went to his house to try and talk this out. I kept asking what he was so mad about, mainly so I could apologize and we could then put this behind us. He just kept telling me to go home, and eventually yelling at me very angrily to get out of his house. At this point I'm just hysterical. I finally get the baby's stuff loaded up and get ready to go.

But there was a time just a few months ago that I did leave when a fight started up, thinking he'd calm down and we'd talk the next day. But instead, he freaks out, cuz I'd never done that before. So he starts calling me non-stop, accusing me of being out trolling for men. (I think because that's what he used to do when we would fight, walk out and head straight for the nearest bar) I answered after about 5 calls and he just yelled and cussed me out so I said when he was ready to talk to me respectfully, then we would talk. So I didnt answer again but I did listen to all his messages to find out when it was safe to talk. That time didnt come. His messsages continued for 3 days and when my mailbox was full, he started sending emails. These were extremely vular, degrading, and obscene. By this time, I was exhausted and emotionally at my wit's end. I applied for a restraining order but was denied because there was no physical abuse. I answered one of his phone calls on the fourth day and just screamed and cried about how could he say those things. He continued. I drove over to his house to beg him to stop and he continued on the cell phone the whole way. I'm almost there and see him on a side road in his truck. I'm so completely distraught by this time, I swerve off the road make it to that side road and ram into a parked car in the process. I think he finally realized he needed to stop. We talked that afternoon and I just felt shell shocked. I cried and slept for two days.

Soooo... this flashes through my mind and I'm like, there's no way I'm just leaving, so he can wonder where I'm at and what I'm doing!!! So I stay. And it escalates. He eventually says our marriage is over becuase I won't just shut up and get out of his face. By this time, I've been crying hysterically for hours, and just look at him like he's a stranger to me. I just loose it and start hitting him. He pushes me down, away from him and calls the police. Neither of us has marks on us so there is no proof of who hurt who. I however see my chance to finally get a restraining order and stop the mental and emotional abuse. I exagerate how he pushed me down and this time get the restraining order. That brings us up to date.

I don't really want a divorce. But I know I cannot take any more abuse!!! I know I am also not blameless though. This is what I own in my marriage:

1. I lied to get a restraining order.
2. I am emotionally unstable
3. I LB often, which at times has included physical abuse. This has happened 3 times over the course of our relationship. (once I pushed him from behind when he turned his back and walked away from my tears over a miscarriage, next I punched him in the chest when confronting him over a PA, then this last incident when all my pain and anger came out at once) He's never been injured from any of this, as he is a very big guy, weighing over a 100 lbs more than me, but still, I know it's wrong.

This probly isn't all there is but it's all I can think of now. Pretty ashamed as it is...
4.

I've been reading all I can these last few weeks since finding this sight. I'm realizing some important things as I do so..

My fwh and I only recently totally committed to the marriage.. upon realizing that it was now against the law for him to see his own child for the next month, did we finally realize the point that we had brought our lives. he hasnt been committed to our marraige in a long time and I was starting to lose my committment as well. He started NC about a month ago and I think the resulting anger over losing her manifested itself in ways I couldnt understand at the time.. ie.. the receipt. But I also think that NC is what finally led to his wanting to recommitt to me. I know now that in my pain and ignorance, I made our situation so much worse with my blind thrashing about and LBing in response to finding out about his multiple EA's and possible PA.

hello? Did I scare everyone off? I am just trying to be honest here. I really do need some guidance and support... please?

What are the laws in your state about D? Is it a non-stop course that the lawyer, parties involved (i.e. you and your H) can't stop or at the very least put on hold? This is only the end of March.

L.

divorce here takes at the very least 90 days, in order to give the parties involved a chance to change their mind. With children it can take much longer, up to a year. And at any time in this process, you can change your mind, even on the date of the final hearing.

Orchid: So even though you said this:
Orchid: Based on what you said below, you CAN stop the D?


Orchid: Now I am confused. R U?

L.

Sorry for the confusion! The no contact order is because of the restraining order, not the divorce. We can stop the divorce and even let the restraining order expire in a month, requesting that it not be renewed. I guess our bigger picture of what keeps us apart is the fear of continuing to hurt each other in bigger and better ways. Also, our children from our previous marriages have been hurt to such a degree from seeing all of this, that both our exes have pretty much forbade the us to let the kids around each other.

Face the hurt. You both can't escape it. It is one of the consequences of the A.

Work with the RO until it is done and let this lesson make ALL of you (children included) stronger. Let this be a lesson not a crime.

Each of you can use this sobering time to reflect how to avoid this again.

take care,
L.

multiple EA's and possible PA
domestic violence
ex-spouses
blended family
poor track record all around

I don't think I personally have anything to offer but my very best wishes for your success

no advice except to say ~~~> get real live help

Pep

ok... well.. I know our situation is serious. I am trying to own my contributions to this disaster. I have been in IC for a while now, trying to work on not letting my emotions get so out of control. I was hoping for some possible support here, in my efforts to avoid LB ing and maybe even eventually heal to some degree.

Forever:

Just a note:

Re: Support around here.

Reading your story, that Pep so eloquently summarized <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, and that has many layers, will be a very complex "Fix"

One that will not happen suddenly because last night your WH "promised" to fly straight.

Time is needed to find the sincerity of that statement.

How much time do your have?

How much time do you think it would take?

I do not doubt that your H may be sincere and will "fly straight" from now on.

On Discovery Day, I went that route. He can too.

Because everthing that you might learn here is hard, and recovery is hard.

Especially if you do not change, and follow some of the excellent advice that you may get around here.

Clarity can come from crisis. And you may have had the "moment of Clarity" that you and your H may need to restore a M that is better than anything you had before. And I hope your H is aboard as well.

But, You have to hang around and continue to learn. Because you have a very long and difficult road to travel. Although around here we can provide maps/GPS/timetables for much of it. Someone quite wise around here has been to the same places as you and can help you find your way out.

Thank you for your response. I know that our recovery will be hard and take a long time. Are you asking how long I'm willing to work on it? I can honestly say that I am willing to give it years. I love this man and we've had many years of happiness and friendship. I am willing to work very hard to make changes in myself and follow the advice of those who've travelled this road before me. I'm just hoping to get some of that advice!!!

I've been reading other posts and think I have a plan of action.. at least to get started. This was very helpful:

The carrot and the stick of Plan A:

MEETING EN
making home warm and inviting
EMPHASIZE WHAT HAS/IS WORKING IN MARRIAGE
SHOW CONSISTANT SELF IMPROVEMENT
STOP LOVE BUSTING
COMMUNICATE CALMLY, WITH A REASSURING VOICE, AND RELAXED
BODY LANGUAGE
OFFER FORGIVENESS AND UNDERSTANDING
REMAIN OPEN TO RECOVERY
don't apologize for speaking truth
directly communicate hurt/devastation
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES SO MARITAL PROBLEMS WONT CONTINUE TO
CHILDREN, OR RUIN FINANCES

I've capitalized the things that I personally still need to work on. I can see that although I've communicated my devastation very clearly, I've done it so repeatedly and in such a way that I've hurt the children, driven my H further away, and just about destroyed my own emotional balance in the process. I started on antidepressants a few weeks ago and am starting to maybe feel a little modicum of control over my overwhelming sadness, anger and hopelessness. I'm hoping that this will help me start on some of the carrot part of plan A. I hope you see that I AM trying, in spite of the severity of the situation.

I know you all think we seriously need professional help, and I do so very much agree.. but do you think I am on the right track??? We are going to MC tomorrow and I am hopeful because this time h is really committed to it. We've went a few times before to other therapists, but he was not really wanting to be there. He sulked and refused to cooperate let alone actively participate. This time however, he made the appointments and seems very excited to be going. This therapist is supposed to be "the best", which is a good thing, cause that's exactly what we need. I finally am getting the idea about plan a, being loving, kind and supportive, while not being a doormat, hopefully with the result that your mate will want to put forth the effort to make the marriage better. Am I understanding this correctly?

hello.. anyone out there?