I confronted and yes he admitted to having 'something' with this OW out of town. He wrote her an email he shared with me and told her no more contact. She wrote back and he shared and she said that it probably is for the best and said "let's consider this a wake up call for us both."

I can't explain it though I believe there is still something that is nagging at me. Should I confront more on how I found out by showing him the emails. Or just let that go. And hold on to them? That is what my dilemma is right now.

We have had very good talks since I confronted. The advise I received from all of you was wonderful!I have not gotten hysterical and been relatively calm, a few tears--but have been amazingly strong.

We talked about working through all this and want to see someone together -- does anyone know anyone good in the Northern VADC area?

Thank You again. I hope soon I can help others.

Well, there's a lot more to things than to just get him to email her to break it off.

Marriage counseling? Rebuilding trust (by having him find a way to PROVE to you that it's over...one email does not NC make), determining how to 'affair proof' your marriage, etc...

We need more info on your situation.

I am not expecting everything to be fine because he sent an email and said NC and showed me... I know that there is alot of work that needs to be done on rebuilding, etc.

I am asking if anyone knows of any counselors in NOVA/DC area and was also asking if I should save all the emails I found or show them to him now?

I would save all the emails. Is there some reason you would want to show them to him? He has seen them and has admitted to the affair, hasn't he?

I would suggest putting a keylogger on his computer so you can make sure he doesnt just go further underground. Eblaster can secretly email you reports every day and he will never know it is on the computer. www.spectorpro.com

If the OW is married, I would also tell her H so he can watch from that end.

If you are going to get into counseling, I would suggest phone counseling with Steve Harley from Marriage Builders. He will be worth every penny and specializes in infidelity. You can contact him by clicking on the counseling center link on this webpage.

I didn't tell him I found the emails. He doesn't know that I saw them. He thinks I discovered based on cell phone and a message I got on our regular phone and that is what prompted me to snoop (which I am not happy I did, but thankful I did)

gsh, if everything is out in the open, I would hide the emails so he won't know your source. In the meantime, I would get a keylogger on his computer so you can watch him like a hawk until he gains your trust again.


I am happy you snooped, unhappy that you were put in such a position. Dr. Harley is a huge advocate of snooping.

When I confronted my H about his affair [which I discovered via email] I told him I KNEW he was carrying on an internet affair with XYZHO and that he had planned on meeting her on XYZ and that she had sent him nekkid pics of her fat, flabby bod. He asked how I knew and I assured him that I had this evidence or I would never have said anything without it. But I made it very clear that a) I knew ALOT and b) it was none of his damn business how I knew.

Oh MelodyLane, thank you for your posts! I did not tell him all the ways that I knew -- I told him it wasn't necessary because I knew.
How did you recover and work things through --

Isn't it hard to do counseling on the telephone? is that what you did?

gsh,

Pep and Mel are among the best. Wish I had their advice when my H confessed his EA to me after DD27 confronted him (after she saw his open email account) and simply said, "I know it all...when are you going to tell mom?" (Thank God she did NOT know all that he told me later but he believed her.)

Here's what I wish I had known:

WH withdrawal takes time.
WH will have Alien fog for awhile no matter how convincing he may be.
OW is a liar and can never be trusted no matter how convincing she may try to sound.
The A will most likely continue further underground if you blindly forgive and try to trust like our MC told me to do.
Exposing to OWH will help stop the A and hasten withdrawal symptoms usually.

I knew one thing, at least: Keep all the incriminating evidence no matter how badly you want to burn it.

Do what these pros say and you may not have to suffer through multiple D-Days like I have.

Ace

gsh, I have not done the phone counseling, but it is very effective! Many here have done it with very good results. Steve Harley is more a COACH than anything and he is the BEST! He will assess your sitation and lay out a PLAN to recover your marriage. That is different from your run of the mill marriage counselor who takes your money while you sit there and yap for an hour. [they have a 17% success rate and this may be why]

We recovered by using the principles of Marriage Builders. Let me link you to an article that outlines what it will take. And yes, your H will have to be completely honest with you about his affair and answer ALL your questions. He cannot keep secrets from you anymore and expect you to recover. Read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

p.s. great job on confronting your husband, gsh! you did good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks for the vote of confidence, Ace. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know MelodyLane and Pepperband are great, they are the ones who said to just do it and that is what I did. I thank them for that.

I can't install a keystroker because it is a company issued laptop and would be dicovered. I don't think that is good.

I printed out those emotional needs questionnaires as well as the love buster ones on MB and we both agreed we will start with those. We said we would have them ready for each other to discuss by the weekend.

What is DS27 (darling son age 27?) I did tell our 27/24 yr old sons that I was going to be asking their father alot of questions. I have not discussed the answer with them just yet.

thank you melodylane, I couldn't have done it without your words when I first came on here.
any more words of advise you can give will be greatly appreciated!

gsh, are you SURE the keylogger would be discovered? I installed one on my H's old laptop and never once did they discover it! He works for one of the biggest companies in the world. It gave me ENORMOUS PEACE OF MIND and facilitated the rebuilding of trust when I could see for myself that he was being trustworthy. You only have to access his laptop ONCE and it takes under 5 minutes to install and program to email you daily reports. After that you don't have access his laptop. He would never find it on his own becuase it is invisible and can't be detected by any spyware or antivirus. Are you sure it would be discovered?

gsh,

Sorry, I messed up with my DD and DS (yes darling son and daughter) but I fixed it in my post. All the acronyms are listed in the "Just found out" forum. Sorry.

Ace

Ace,
How did you handle the contact with OW? Did you write, email, call? If you don't want to answer that's ok.

Thanks for your words-- I appreciate them.

Thanks for asking, gsh. If I can find it, I will bump a thread describing how I handled the OW, but in the meantime, I can use 3 words to describe what I did:

wrong .........:o
late ..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
backwards .......<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If my mistakes can help you or others, I am glad to share. I'll tell you this much. After D day #1, my H and I agreed that after he got home from work,I could be listening on the other line when he called to inform OW of NC. But within 10 minutes, he did it alone at work and SHE asked to talk to me so she could apologize in person. He called me at home to tell me and her call interrupted his 'head's up'. He beelined home to pick up the extension and said "this is really weird" so I told him "then get off the phone ya dork". (OW and I actually giggled together after I said it.) Then her H called on her other line and we had to hang up prematurely.

The thread is in the recovery forum posted just before Valentines day entitled "THANK YOU ALL, Delayed exposure to OWH made me the most upbeat person in Betrayedville" or something like that.

Ace

Mel, ain't disagreed with ya in a while m'lady. But I DO want to caution gsh to be careful with this if she decides to go this route.

Your H's company didn't catch it, and personally I think it's great that it worked out for you. But if gsh's husband's company catches it, she could be liable for a big time lawsuit.

I work for a major corporation, and have seen people sued for exactly this kind of infraction. They went after these people HARD...because of the possible 'industrial espionage' aspects of it.

I would seek other means of monitoring if it's a company provided asset, just because of this.

One good possibility that comes to mind would be to approach the HR dept of that company, and inform them that you KNOW that your H has been using his work email account to carry on this affair, and that you may consider requesting your lawyer to subpeona his email(s) if this goes to a lawsuit.

Now...you don't have to be pending any such thing to do this. You don't even have to REALLY know that he's doing so. But it WILL force them to look at his email account, and more than likely issue him a warning about personal use of his work account. Problem solved! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Found the post with "how I handled the OW for gsh" I don't recommend it but since you've started a friendship with OW, I'll show you my mistakes so you can end it sooner than I did.

Re: THANK YOU ALL (Exposure to OWH contributed to this upbeat person in "Betrayedville") [Re: MrsWondering]
#3188775 - Thu Feb 15 2007 02:41 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



God's timing is amazing, and my posting about this unique aspect of my sitch is no exception. Thanks for asking and for your kind words, Mrs. W and I.S.

Here's the short version:

OW wanted to be my friend and I was 'fogged' into thinking that if we were friends she would not betray me anymore. We exposed to OW H last week and I just got a thank-you email from her today!

Here's the detailed version:

When I asked for help rebuilding trust Jan. 14, I spent the week trying to find external resources to give me information. I also tried to share what little I knew with others if remotely relevant.

On Jan. 21, I noticed that Sad and Pissed was wanting to know if he should expose to OPS. I casually listed 5 reasons I had thought I had learned when Athanasius bumped WAT and Bob P's threads on why I did not expose to OPS.

Suddenly I was deluged with 'help' from multiple passionate posters who made me threadjack S & P's request for help before I even knew what TJ meant! Later I discovered that I had misinterpreted the fact that "there is no 'one-size-fits-all" solution to exposing to OPS if there is absolute proof the NC is intact and will never reconnect. (Since I was in fear of DDay #4, that info did NOT apply to my sitch.) Neither did the other condition apply (if the OP was not married at the time of the betrayal).

I did not remember where the resource was so I answered as best as I could on a second thread and then exiled myself from posting to seek God's guidance and talk and pray with my WH about what we should do.

The following week (1/23), I sent what I thought was a generic request to a MB staffer seeking a referral for all the MB info on exposing to the OWH 6 months after NC appears to be intact. Dr. Harley answered my request and repeated the above conditions. But I felt obligated to give him more information so he could accurately advise us.

I've mentioned on other posts that the OW wanted to talk to me and apologize in person the day after D Day #1. She said she was so impressed with my Christ-like forgiveness and positive passion that she wanted to be my friend. I said "no", that our MC said no contact between my H and I and OW and her H. (Unfortunately, we were not instructed to write an NC letter...which is partially why we had D-Days 2 and 3.)

After D day 3, I entertained the misguided notion that if I had accepted OW's offer to be her friend after the first 2 D days - a week apart - and if she and I had developed a warm & fuzzy relationship, maybe she would tell my husband "No" and inform me if he got weak and tried to reconnect again.

So we exchanged emails for 2 weeks and I told her about all the miracles happening in our marriage (like my failed suicide attempt, how we got to see a doctor without an appt., how my H wrote a long letter of repentence, etc.) I even sent OW a fake email test and she told me/WH "NO!" But I cut off contact the end of August promising I would not tell her husband about her A with my H unless I found out that she had secretly reconnected with WH. (Can't remember who, but someone posted "You can't blackmail her forever." Whoever that was, THANK YOU. It hit home.)

In Nov. I caught WH lying again about his online activities and I got nervous that I had never received confirmation from OW that she would tell me about any future reconnection attempt by WH in addition to telling him "no". To attempt to ease my fears, WH wrote a long-hand NC letter in early Dec. and I added a copy of HNHN and Dr. Harley's article on why we can't just "Forgive and Forget".

FAST FORWARD TO MY REG. W/MB (1/14) AND SEEKING INFO ON DELAYED EXPOSURE (1/21)

Dr. Harley suggested I call the radio show so I did (1/31)and he said that one option would be to tell OW that she had one week to tell her H about her A with my WH and that I would call him (I found his work number) to confirm after a week.

Mrs. Harley said it was unusual that I had actually developed a friendship (in the midst of my black mail threat) with OW. (I truly thought I could help her since I felt that the A was partly my fault due to my willingness to merely 'exist' in a barely tolerable marriage. Also, this could be a way that I could avoid violating my black mail....sort of. Call me soft, stupid, simplistic or senile...whatever....but it worked.)

Last week, thanks to Dr. H's suggestion and encouragement from many MB posters, I sent the exposure packet and called OWH to confirm this week. I feel good that I have done my part and I'm thankful that my husband's support and encouragement during this agonizing process had rebuilt my trust in him substantially.

Just today, OW wrote me a thank-you email saying that she was grateful for the time to read HNHN and prepare her H for the packet that I just happened to send when she claims she and he were both ready.

Who knows.....could have all been a pack of lies, but I chose to believe that God has amazing timing. AND I HAVE CLOSURE and my FEAR is subsiding steadily.

She may be in denial and her H may put his head in the sand, but, I really mean this, I did my part and the rest is between them and God. I'm even OK with the fact that I may never know what becomes of them. Wheeeew! That feels good!

I also know that this could be very temporary, but like Mates4life said, we now have the marriage I've always dreamed of so don't bother me with distractions.

Again, thanks for asking and thanks for reading.

Ace

Ace, Thank you for finding your post. I had looked where you told me and was able to find it. I appreciate all that you have said.

I just want clarify, I do NOT have a friendship with the OW, nor do I intend to. I am trying to find the home phone number as well as the husbands work number, but it appears to not be listed.
I have what appears to be her work number and a cell.

I don't believe calling her would do me any good at this point. We shall see. I would like to be able to find the home address, but that might be difficult if they are unlisted and she lives in another state.