Things between my wife and I have continued to decline. After telling my wife of my unfaithfulness as directed by the suggestions of the marriage builders program, I have also advised her of all contact made by any woman to me. I have given her access to all my email and telephone records.

In doing so my wife has taken the position that I continue to be unfaithful, even though, I was seeking her assitance in what do, when I advised her of a phone call I received from one woman and email from another woman. My best thinking got me to this point in my marriage, maybe I should seek help, before taking action. So I sought assistance from my wife.

Last night we fought hard, and my wife has demanded that I vacate the home immediatly. We have three young children and I not sure how just walking out wth my things under my arms will affect them.

What do I do? Help me please. I love my wife and do not want to terminate our marriage. I want to work things out, but where do I go from here? What options do I have?

First welcome, their are a lot of great people here with great advise. Some of it may be hard to hear but stick it out and really look into what the advise is. We all have been on one end or the other and some boths ends.

Im not an expert, but I can give you my advise and you may be able to gain some insight.

Your wife and your childrens world has been completely torn apart by your decisions to be unfaithful. Many will compare this to being raped, and then having to learn how to live with the rapist, if your BW chooses to remain in the M.

I think its probably too soon for her to deside that right now. From my own experience, I had to seriously consider why I had turned my back on my morals, and why I thought it was ok to be unfaithful.

I think giving her access to your email and phone records was good,...is it possible to change your email address? Being that there are many OW involved here.

Being honest is the best thing. You must have NC with ALL of the OW. If they call you answer and tell them to never call again, you reply to their emails to never contact you again. You owe these OW nothing, and your BW everything. You need to show your wife that you are willing to do anything you need to do to keep your M together.

Better yet maybe you should contact ALL the OW and tell them to never contact you again. That way you arent going to be contacted in 6 months or something and start your d-day all over.

Get some help,...IC, MC SFC, all of it.

Im not sure about the vacating the home part,...I hope someone with more time and experience will chime in soon and let you know what the best thing to do is.

Until then read up on the info on the MB website. There are a ton of books to read, After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring, is a great one.

You can get through this, please know this. Its hard and painful for both of you. But its do-able and there are many here who can atest to that. We are all here to help.

My thoughts are with your wife and you both.
Blessings,
Tri

domesticated,

Welcolm to MB forums. Things are very slow around here on weekends, so don't be discouraged.

As far as your sitch is concerned, your W has no reason to believe or trust you right now. You have demonstrated to her that you are an untrustworthy person. You undersstand that right?

Having said that, you are now in a position where only your actions will be able to speak for now. So, it's time for you to take actions that will once again demonstrate to you w that she can begin to trust you again. This is ging to take a lot of time, so strap yourself in. It isn't going to happen overnight.

**edit**

I do wish you success,

All Blessings,
Jerry

First of all a good understanding of what your wife is going through is essential. Read all you can here about that. Your BW is right to not feel safe with you right now. BUT that can change.
While she is deamnding that you leave based on her anger, I would only suggest that you agree to leave for a day or two at most... and you MUST go to a place that she would trust (parents, relatives or close friends). Do NOT make the mistake of ever having contact with any of these women again. Change your phone numbers, email addresses, etc. Do not see, speak to or inquire about the OW again.
Next, find yourself a pro marriage counselor. Also seek out a marriage counselor and set up an appointment with the Harley's that hopefully your wife will decide to participate in.
You have created a situation where your wife has good reason to leave you and she may do just that. The call is frankly hers at this point. What you need to show her is, that despite the most horrible betrayal, you are still the best option for husband and father.
Begin work on your no contact letter as outlined by the Harley's. Give it to your wife to send and please ask her to come here as we can help her.

BTW... WHY did you have an affair? Why risk something that you value so deeply?

MEDC

I suggest you quickly end contact with all women. Change your phone number and your email. No wonder your wife is upset. You had an affair, and now there are 2 more women contacting you?

Why are these women contacting you?

You did the right thing in manning up and telling her, but please don't imagine there won't be consequences to your betrayal. She is not just going to "get over it." Telling your victim what you have done is just the first step. Now you have to help stop the bleeding. You have greatly wounded your wife and you have to deal with the fall out.

So, why are there women contacting you, a married man?

I am very new to this site. Can you tell me where to find what the abbreviations you used are located or what they mean?

I have prepared a letter to send to anyone who contacts me that I either had sexual contact with or sexual desires for. I used the format from this website.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Thanks for the suggestions.

I am currently reading the section on this website and a book by Dr. Harley on the subject.

I spent last night on our couch as a result of issues my unfaithfulness has caused in my marriage. I seek your assistance in dealing with a situation in my life that has recently come to my attention, I suffer from sex addiction and that I have been in active addiction all my life. I found the Sex and Love Addicts website and have sought help from them by joining their online Yahoo! Group. There is unfortunately no group meetings I am able to find at this time in area where I live.

Can you direct to a place or person where I can receive help for this issue? I am prepared to travel anywhere for any period of time necessary in order to get the help I need. I am willing to pay for the room, food and board of a qualified person to come to my area to assist me. I am motivated and I want help. I understand that I must get and I am willing to do what ever I need in order to get that help.

My history with my wife has put me in a place where I am no longer trusted. What do you think about if I add my wife to my email server so she automatically receives a copy of all emails I send?

I have in my database many women. Some of these woman are business contacts and some are not. How do I purge my database? Do I purge my database?

Do you have any homework assignments I can do to help this situation?

I have spoke with my partners and cancelled all travel plans of any kind for the next ninety days in order to be able to stay put and focus on my issues and our marriage. Do you have any other suggestions?

I have been brutally honest with my wife, advising her of inbound phone calls from any women, what they did and do mean to me, and have shown her all email communications. I have clearly, once again by doing so, upset her a great deal. She has red an email from a woman who was trying to initiate a sexual conversation with to which I did not respond.

Do you have any suggestions of how best to communicate or what is the correct course of action on my part when a woman reaches out to me, that I had sexual feelings for?

Yes I can change my number and my email address. Good idea, thanks.

These woman conact me for various reasons. i had sexual relations with some. I had sexual conversations with others. I am a sex addict. I am now working a twelve step program, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) to arrest my active addiction.

Stick to one thread, how about this one, so we can help you better and keep things in one spot.

BW - betrayed wife
OW - other woman
NC - No Contact
BS - betrayed spouse
WH - wayward husband (WW wayward wife) FWS - former wayward
BTW - by the way

initials are used to shorten people's names (MakeEveryDayCount - MEDC)

I am a BW - and my FWH had an affair that he says is "only for sex". Regardless of the reason for your affairs, and yes, you had more than one, your wife will need a lot of time and support to be able to recover from the betrayal you have inflicted upon her.

You will need to be completely honest, and answer her questions TRUTHFULLY, without backing down, hiding anything, lying, leaving anything out, or "trying to protect her". She will ask what she feels she needs to know. These questions will be very difficult for her to ask, and probably hard for you to answer. You must be honest with her and answer them anyway.

Search this site for "Joseph's Letter", so you can understand her need to know before she starts asking you things. You need to understand her point of view before this starts to happen.

Read "Surviving An Affair", and keep reading it throughout your process of recovery. Each phase of recovery will bring new challenges, and you will find a different part of the book important as you and your wife progress.

Give her a couple of days to get over her initial shock and pain. She is in agony.

Never, never, never, tell her, anything that remotely resembles these words: "Why can't you just get over it and move on?"

Because she can't, and that's just it.

Never, never, never, tell her, "I'm here, what more do you want from me?"

Because she wants and needs much more from you. Every single day for the rest of your life. She actually needed it BEFORE the affairs began.

Figure out why you had the affairs. The key here is: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WIFE. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH

YOU.

Finally, read up on Emotional Needs, and start meeting your wife's emotional needs, as soon as you can. You will recognize hers right away, if you have been paying attention to her.

And hang in there. You've come to the right place for help.

Tell your wife about Marriage Builders. And get an appointment with the Harleys.

So a whole day has gone by and what have you done?
Have you clicked on the link I have provided you with?

I can't reiterate to you strongly enough that ACTIONS speak louder than words. If you do nothing, I will no longer feel compeled to even address you again,

Good Luck,
Jerry

Thanks for explanation on the codes.

I have taken note of what not to say to expect from my wife.


I had the affairs because I am a sex addict.

Thanks for your initial concerns and subsequent follow up.

After posting, I continued to read about infidelity on the Marriage Builders website. I also read two chapters of Dr. Harley's book, surviving an affair.

I clicked on your link and took a look around. What your link did was to prompt me to visit **edit** where I found some reading material about infidelity from a religious perspective.

I also attended a twelve step meeting tonight where I shared about my situation.

May I ask what you did about the infidelity in your marriage today?

Both you and your W need to speak to a good MC. Better yet, call Steve H from MB.

Because you are more cooperative than most Xws', your W will doubt your sincerity. The trust factor takes a long time to rebuild. You have to be patient with yourself and your W. Hence the need to a good MC that can give you both a plan.

Call Steve. Phone counseling c/b done in your home. It is a good tool.

Ask if your W wants to post here or speak to a BS here.

I am a BSW (betrayed spouse - wife). She can e-mail me if she wants: **edit**

take care,
L.