My wife has gone into the Air Force and she is now in tech school. She told me the other night that she doesn't think she loves me now? I thought we were so happy together after 5 years of marriage. She is in Texas and I am in NH with the two children who are 4 and 2.

One problem may be that we both married young. She is 23 now and I guess she never had time to live the young life. I understand that but 5 years of marriage and 2 kids later, don't you think we can work through that?

I just can't accept that she doesn't love me. I don't feel that is the case at all, because I still feel the love.

She will be stationed in Alaska and I am in New Hampshire but she wants me to move out to Alaska and raise the kids by her side for the rest of our lives? She hates me for saying that it would destroy me living next to her watching her move on. Of course I want to do it for the kids but they would see their Daddy break down like never before.

Any suggestions? I really think that she has become influenced by her 18 yr old Air Force roomies and that fact that she only makes up 35% of the popoluation compare to 65% male population.

I'm just very lost right now...

well, i hate to tell you this, but those training grounds in texas are nothing but party haven. is she at lackland afb? my ex, who joined the reserves in his late 20's, early 30's (he was either 29 or 30, i cannot remember) went nuts down there.

here i was at home trying to keep our marriage together and mean while he was down there partying every single weekend and sleeping with women he picked up. i got bank statements with hotel charges on them while he was down there. and he needed a hotel because??? last i checked they provided the housing on base for them.

so, the sad truth is you are probably right. she is being influenced by the population surrounding her. now, how long is she there for? if you can do some investigating and find her to be having an affair of any kind with any of her comrads, the military would be all over that. i was told that if i had informed the military of my exes actions while he was down there the higher ups would have taken care of it. so do some investigating and see what you can find out.

can you go and visit her? leave the kids with family and go down for a weekend. i bet you would learn a lot.
you are her husband you have every right to visit her on her off weekends. and go to her graduation as well.
mlhb

I don't know. She said she isn't with anyone and has never lied to me so I'll take her word on it. I know, sounds like denial, however, she has never violated my trust so I will accept it.

I appreciate your response and I am sorry you had to go through that, I can't imagine.

If you have any desire to fight for your marriage, you'll get out to Alaska as soon as she does. Those of us on MB usually assume that someone is having an affair when we hear any variation of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I don't think I love you" out of the blue.

I'm a military wife. I heard the "I never did love you" speech while the affair was ongoing. Of course, there was no mention of WHY at that time, so I had to dig until I found out the truth. I fought. We won. Four years of recovery so far and I don't regret standing up for my family.

As soon as he pulled his head out of the fog and realized what he'd almost lost, he couldn't believe he'd said those things.

You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Hang in there. Read everything and call the Harleys' counseling service if you can. Counseling isn't cheap, but it's a bargain compared to divorce. Read up on Plan A and don't forget that taking care of yourself is a vital part of it. Eat right, exercise, see a doctor if you need.

Also, you may want to repost on one of the other boards here. I don't think you're ready to give up so soon.

Don't give up..sounds like you are right, that she is liking the attention from other men over there since there are mostly men. Good luck.

Last night she totally told me it was over and you can't force love. Nevertheless, I still want it to work but I really know it is over no matter how hard I try.

I've made a mistake. She begged me on the phone to see other people which made me wonder why she would do this, it's the last thing you want to hear. So I had company over for two reasons:

1. To see if I can ever look at another woman that way. (The answer is def. a no, I can't picture myself with anyone else.

2. I had to really see if this is what she wanted. (Little did I know it was the worst thing I could have done because now she hates me for the time being and took off her ring!)

I seriously cannot picture myself with anyone else. My wife and are two young, attractive people who know that each other can go out and find "love" easily enough, but it's not what I want to do. I just want to love my wife till I die and grow old with her.

i will reiterate my first post. YOU NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE where she is training. she has dated or hung out with someone else or maybe more than one. why do you think she said she wants you to see other people? to ALLEVIATE HER OWN GUILT. trust me, i have been there done that with my ex. i am telling you, it is a breeding ground on those training bases for nothing but trouble. i know you don't want to believe it, i didn't either when i was in your shoes. but the truth is the truth. do you want to know who told me what goes on down there? my pastor! he is retired military and he gently told me "mlhb, i know what goes on down there. i don't think it is going to be good what you find out your h has probably been up to" and i said "oh no, not my h, he would NEVER do that" well, he did and then some. got the bills to prove it.

don't be naive. she took off her ring? she is trying to make you look bad and feel bad for venturing into territory i guarantee she has already ventured into down there. she is trying to make you look like the bad guy to make herself feel better.

do yourself a favor and start doing some investigating.

mlhb

I'm curious, WHY aren't you with her?

In that she IS married, and even in tech school, she could get off base housing for her family to move down there.

I know, I know many people I went to tech school with who were married and had their spouses with them. So how much longer does she have in Tech school?

If you can't move right now, then at least make a trip with YOUR kids out to Texas and spend time with YOUR wife. You can also take care of other paperwork you will need to get done anyway.

And IF she is actively in an affair, the Military frowns on that..even with newly enlisted people, and it could very well COST her and the person she's involved with the very career she is looking to start. But the military can't/won't do anything if it's not brought to their attention.

This is under the laws of the UCMJ..

Article 134— Adultery

Text.

See Paragraph 60.

Elements.

(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;

(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and

(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

Explanation.

(1) Nature of offense. Adultery is clearly unacceptable conduct, and it reflects adversely on the service record of the military member.

(2) Conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. To constitute an offense under the UCMJ, the adulterous conduct must either be directly prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting.

Adulterous conduct that is directly prejudicial includes conduct that has an obvious, and measurably divisive effect on unit or organization discipline, morale, or cohesion, or is clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember. Adultery may also be service discrediting, even though the conduct is only indirectly or remotely prejudicial to good order and discipline. Discredit means to injure the reputation of the armed forces and includes adulterous conduct that has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make it subject to public ridicule, or lower it in public esteem. While adulterous conduct that is private and discreet in nature may not be service discrediting by this standard, under the circumstances, it may be determined to be conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline. Commanders should consider all relevant circumstances, including but not limited to the following factors, when determining whether adulterous acts are prejudicial to good order and discipline or are of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces:

(a) The accused's marital status, military rank, grade, or position;

(b) The co-actor's marital status, military rank, grade, and position, or relationship to the armed forces;

(c) The military status of the accused's spouse or the spouse of co-actor, or their relationship to the armed forces;

(d) The impact, if any, of the adulterous relationship on the ability of the accused, the co-actor, or the spouse of either to perform their duties in support of the armed forces;

(e) The misuse, if any, of government time and resources to facilitate the commission of the conduct;

(f) Whether the conduct persisted despite counseling or orders to desist; the flagrancy of the conduct, such as whether any notoriety ensued; and whether the adulterous act was accompanied by other violations of the UCMJ;

(g) The negative impact of the conduct on the units or organizations of the accused, the co-actor or the spouse of either of them, such as a detrimental effect on unit or organization morale, teamwork, and efficiency;

(h) Whether the accused or co-actor was legally separated; and

(i) Whether the adulterous misconduct involves an ongoing or recent relationship or is remote in time.

(3) Marriage. A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction.

(4) Mistake of fact. A defense of mistake of fact exists if the accused had an honest and reasonable belief either that the accused and the co-actor were both unmarried, or that they were lawfully married to each other. If this defense is raised by the evidence, then the burden of proof is upon the United States to establish that the accused's belief was unreasonable or not honest.".

Lesser included offense.

Article 80—attempts

Maximum punishment.

Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.

Next Article> Article 134-(Assault-indecent) >

Above Information from Manual for Court Martial, 2002, Chapter 4, Paragraph 62

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.

I am with everyone else in that it sure sounds like an affair is at least a very strong possibility.

I don't know that I believe raising the issue with the armed services will do you much good. It seems like that would just cause more anger and resentment and shut the door for good. I think it has to be much more carefully thought out/planned out than that. Of course I'm no success story (3 failed marriages) so I won't offer any advice on how to do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I like the following article:

I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You

Thanks for that article, that is an amazing article!

There's always two sides to every story. I think everyone here forgot that little tid bit.
I'm the wife in this story.
Although I understand my husbands pain, I think it's okay for me to add some of my own words here, since I was invited by him to read this.

First of all, I'm not having an affair. So to all that think just because I'm in tech school, I'm seeing someone, you're wrong. I have never, nor will I ever cheat on my husband.

Second, the reason my family is not here with me is because the Air Force has a policy stating if my tech school is not longer then 20 weeks, then I can not bring my family here without paying for all expenses, moving, rent, etc out of our own pockets. My training here is 8 weeks, and we are not rich and can not afford that.

Also, my husband forgot to mention I had these feelings BEFORE I left for BMT and Tech school. We were, or so I thought we were on the understanding that I was not in love and hadn't been for over a year with him. The final plan was for me to still go through with the Air Force and hopefully the time apart would make me "fall" back in love.

I tried to change how I felt, but when it came down to it, I still feel the same. I love Chris and always will. However, I feel we are two completely different people. We like different things and there's more to it then just that. I want to continue raising our kids together but not as a married couple.

I'm very limited with time here, so thats all I have for now.

Thank you for those who have been encouraging to him. For those who are quick to jump to the "she's cheating", just take a moment to think about the extra stress you are putting on an already not so happy husband before you go and fill his head with facts that are not true.

You tell the man that you don't think you love him when you're halfway around the country and you're upset that we're the ones stressing him out?

"I want to continue raising our kids together but not as a married couple."

That's a load of bull. You can't raise your kids together if he's in New Hampshire and you're in Alaska. Or do you expect him to move all the way out there and live next door while you pursue your own life?

You have the choice to fight for your family or against it.

i think both of you have some serious talking and thinking to do.

first off, i am very surprised abenaki, that you invited your wife to this forum. now, i have no issue with her being here at all, but you have a thread going about how we can help you obtain a divorce, etc, and what purpose does it serve her to read that? how is that helping the 2 of you? most people who have their spouses read here are posting on the general forum and it is because they are both wanting to work on the marriage. you are posting on a divorce forum and nothing said thus far here is of benefit to her at all. so that kind of makes no sense to me.

afmocha: if you are not having an emotional affair or physical affair than bravo. however, the way you talk is classic of someone who has checked out and most likely at least has an opposite sex someone they are confiding in and getting close to. many of us have been there done that and heard over and over again the same things you are saying to your husband. we just don't want abenaki being made a fool of or kidding himself either. for me, when my now ex was in texas for tech school (gone for 4 months) i was home busting my a** to work on me and us, reading marriage help books and sending him each chapter after i finished them. mean while, he was down there screwing everything that thought he looked hot in a uniform. and racking up 3 and 4 hundred dollar cell phone bills to boot talking to the ho he lives with now. he was probably laughing at me the whole time i was sending him those chapters to read! i konw i don't want abenaki to go through that same humiliation. i konw that is why i anwered his questions as i did.

you are both young. you have children. you must think things through clearly and not on a whim. you will reget it later if you do not. do you not believe marriage is forever? do you not think, both of you i mean, that you should do everything possible under the sun to save a marriage before checking out of it, disposing of it? marriage was not meant to be "oh, i have decided i don't want to be married so i will just end it and be on my way" that is NOT what it is meant to be! and, there are children involved to boot! my kids are 9 and a half years old, my ex and i have been apart for almost 2 years now, and they are STILL dealing with the aftermath of us not being together anymore. you must really think about the consequences this will have on your children.

and if you do divorce, it is extremely selfish to think that abenaki should move to alaska so you can raise your kids together. why would he want to do that? what is in it for him? you cannot have it all your way. if you choose not to work on the marriage and to divorce and to be off to alaska, there are consequences. there are to any deicsions we make. the bottom line is, what should be done is what is in the best interest of the children. and that is what a judge will look at too. a judge will look at who has been there for the kids and if a move to alaska is in their best interests. don't be too surprised if a judge says the best place for the kids is where they are used to, in new hampshire, and being with their dad.

i sure hope that BOTH of you really work this through and don't make any decisions until you are done training. marriage is not meant to be disposable. yes, there are 2 sides to every story and from seeing both sides, i'd say there is a lot unresolved and a lot of things being decided without a lot of thought being put into them.

think things through before a huge mistake is made.

mlhb