Golly, from time to time, I can hardly believe the words I see here. Usually starting like this "My wife/husband is different...." Even though we have seen the same words and actions thousands of times, some folks don't believe that all WS's say and do the same things, time after time after time.

That is why the principles here work. When an affair is suspected, snooping is necessary. Then Plan A and exposure, and finally Plan B. Like they say, simple, but not easy.

I guess it is human nature to think that one's situation is different, or hopeless, or not the typical marriage under assault from an affair. I was probably the same way. But come on folks, try to peak through your own fog. Realize that the main reason your WS is behaving like they are is because they are in an AFFAIR. When it ends, (and they all end), they will be back to normal.

In the meantime, stop thinking, and start following the MB plans.

I wholeheartedly agree. I tried to rationalize that my situation was "different" just so I wouldn't have to take the hard road and expose.

But in the end, I still had to do the exposure because I let things simmer, hoping she would "come to her senses" and stop the A... well, she didn't and instead started seeing OP again... that's when I realized I needed to do the exposure.

Believer, I think that sometimes people need to reach that stage where they realize on their own that following MB principles are necessary... you can tell them its the right thing based on your experience, but sometimes people need to see for themselves first. At least, that was the case for me.

Devastated - Yes, I know they need to come to the table on their own. I just get so frustrated watching Mel and others explaining over and over that the AFFAIR is the threat to the marriage.

And hearing the same old rationalizations from the WS gets old quickly - especially the rewriting of history - "I never loved you, haven't loved you for a long time, blah, blah, blah". And they have the nerve to spout this stuff despite never saying a word about it before the affair, despite just buying a new home, despite just bringing another child into the world. GRRRRRRR.

LOL... I agree with you on both, especially on the second. I could have torn my hair out with frustration everytime I heard my WS telling me she wasn't happy in the marriage, was resentful of me for exposure, EVERYTHING except that she had an affair... And seeing the same thing on these boards, it was amazing at first, like every WS read from the same script, but it became old pretty fast..LOL

Oh...reading this post is difficult.

I don't believe that my WH is at all any different from any other wanderer.

What I believe that is different is me.

6 days post DDay of the worst PA I have ever dealt with I find myself feeling an enormous amount of guilt over the reality that I did play a major part in the disastrous state of my marriage.

I know that I am not responsible for my husband's bad choices, but I also know he attempted to communicate his needs to me long before his affair and I rebuffed him for my own reasons.

I dread exposure (and I made a devils bargain not to do it, but it may come independent of me) on many levels, one of which is that his very carefully constructed public life would fall apart, and I would be the agent of said destruction. I married him knowing that pursuit of the public life he has now was a major dream for him. In hindsight, I'm probably not a socially adept enough personality for his ambition. I know he feels that "putting up with me" has held him back for a long time and that the OW was/is a compliment to his public life. She was in fact, part of the orbit of the public life for a very long time before she became the OW.

He has agreed to a limited amount of counseling, but he’s only here because we have children and to buy my silence, not because he’s interested in a relationship with me. We have no real recovery plan in place and I’m at a lose as how to negotiate for one. Although there is suppose to be NC, I expect the A to start up again at any moment.

I don’t think I’m living in a fog and I have very little hope.

catlover, haven't you been here for years because your H is a serial cheater? I read one of your posts from 4 yrs ago and you stated then that your H had had 8 EA's and a few PAs by then.

So, I guess I am at a loss as to why you imagine a) he would be interested in negotiating anything with you and b) what good counseling would do?

It sounds to me like he has the perfect set up and has no motivation to change anything. He can have all the affairs he wants, have you home being his maid and protecting his dirty little secret. Whyever in the world would he give up that great situation? Heck, the man has a working HAREM! Sounds great to me.

I can see why you have no hope. You shouldn't. There is no hope in the path you have chosen.

catlover, and what exactly do you think is different about you? Is it that you won't do anything to help yourself?

cat lover,

I don't care WHO the Waywards THINK they are, committing adultery is the same. I would expose the A to everyone in the circle of these two. The fears that WE have are our own worst enemies. What do you believe will happen if you expose this A? What do you believe will happen if you DON'T?

I think I am about to thread jack this thread really bad. My apologies to believer.

I wrote this post precisely for the opportunity to receive the 2 by 4’s directly to the face. I’ve lost about 10 pounds since Dday, I’ve got the shakes, and I haven’t slept for more than 4 hours at any one time for a least a week.

I know I’ve lost my sense of perspective.

When I wrote that post of years ago, I was guessing on the numbers and the PAs. During my demands of Dday, I made the promise to withhold public exposure in exchange for truth. I think I came as close as I am ever going to get unless I suddenly become clairvoyant. You can see the changes in my signature.

What I think is different about me is that I’ve been harder to get along with in this marriage than most spouses. Plus I’ve made the mistake of knowing the plan but not working it. It’s not my WS’s fault that I didn’t walk the walk.

As for what I would lose in exposure, mostly my own sense of integrity. I promised not to expose after all, and to expose would be to break my word. Frankly, I expected my WS to walk when he told me that the affair was a PA. In all the EAs he’s pursued over the years, moving into a PA always seemed to be the barrier that he never crossed. I had no clue about the ONS. I made the promise expecting him to walk, things have been so bad between us for so long that it never occurred to me he’d stay for any reason.

Now that he is still here, for whatever reason he has, I’m at a complete loss as to what to do with things as they have turned out.

Frankly, I had emotionally prepared myself to be abandoned.

catlover, you don't protect your integrity by helping someone hide their dirty secret, you IMPAIR your integrity by becoming an accessory to the crime. That is what you have become, an accessory, an ENABLER. You are a volunteer, not a victim.

The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. You sacrifice your marriage, your principles, your sanity, for that dreadful promise. What you wouldn't sacrifice, though, is your integrity.

Have you been to counseling to find out why you would choose to live such an abhorrent existance? Do your kids know what you are settling for?

Feel free to threadjack, CatLover.

But it is nonsense to say that your integrity would be damaged by exposing them. A spouse never has to keep a promise to people who are attacking their family and marriage.

Catlover... listen to ML.. she is very wise in these matters. If in fact you think you got the truth I would say tell your WH to put his money where his mouth is.
Get him to sign a post nuptual agreement and to submit to a polygraph exam. Both should be no problem for anyone telling the truth. Make the suggestion and then just be still and listen to his tantrum and excuses for not doing so. A person that is truly remorseful and hiding nothing would do just about anything to reclaim trust. I would bet the house your H is not one of those.


MEDC

Just to get back on topic:
I have been accused of being one of those who has considered by sitch "different" or "special." Honestly, that has NEVER been my intent! I wonder if it is simply the differing PERSEPCTIVES of the newbies and the pros that lead to this misunderstanding.

To a newbie, after d-day, the whole world is off-kilter. We have just learned of the betrayal of trust by the one person we trusted most in the world. We have NO EXPERIENCE with infidelity. NONE (I'm speaking in generalities, here.)

We come here to MB, looking for understanding and guidance and a place to unload our grief, fear, anger, etc. Hopefully we have read the basic principles PRIOR to posting (to me this only makes sense).

The newbie's trust has been betrayed, everything is off kilter, and now we are placing a level of trust in strangers on an internet website. As valuable as this is, we are not interacting IRL, just through text, in which whole levels of the process of communication are lost (body language, tone, eye contact).

It may not be so much that the newbies feels his/her sitch is different or special, it's probably more likely that the newbies DOESN'T KNOW what is NORMAL or what is EXPECTED, and needs reassurance.

The pros, on the other hand, have been around the block. Most are already recovered (either in the M or not) and have seen countless newbies come and go, either recovered or not. The pros have the advantage of perspective and experience.

I guess it is in my nature to question and explore, not just blindly accept what I am told. There are PLENTY of times that I really wish it were in my nature to just accept things, but it's not. I feel a need to grapple with stuff, and come to my own conclusion.

Thus far, the conclusions I have come to are quite consistent with what the pros tell me, but I need to get there on my own...not because I feel I am different or special, but because that's just the way I am. Questioning and challenging is what I need to do to internalize a belief. It is certainly not intended to offend or appear argumentative.

Maybe BSs just HAVE to go through the fog in order to make it out on the other side. One can either close his/her eyes to the fog and take someone's hand and follow (which is easier on the pros), or one can open his/her eyes, seeing NOTHING but fog, but with arms out, trying to feel the way, listening to the voices of the pros who offer guidance.

As one who goes through this with eyes open but seeing nothing, I want to thank all the pros who have whispered and at times SHOUTED guidance along the way. How frustrating it must be for you, but you've hung in there with me anyway. What a generous gift!

cat lover --- EXPOSE.

Sis, I agree with your assessment of the newly betrayed. It's like giving someone advice, knowing that the outcome of what they choose will be bad. That person STILL chooses to go the long and winding road, even though they've been warned, because they must experience it themselves in order to be enlightened.

Now, it took me a little while, and sometimes, I STILL don't believe. I have mentioned the problems that my WH is contending with (adopted by Grandparents, natural mother started NEW family, natural father abandoned him, then later killed himself, then his mother died of cirrhosis in 2005, both grandparents died). When I mention these, I get the WHOA reaction, and many believe there is just too much for him to deal with to come back to our M.

Aside from that, I have heard much of the SCRIPTED talk, and have seen him doubt himself and his decision to leave and D.

I hear you talking to me!!! I know it must be frustrating to see new people like me not exposing the A right away after all the clear advice you and others have given. And I agree that my situation with my WW is similar in so many ways to everything you've seen. If I hadn't spoken with you guys, I would never even have considered exposure; now I'm flying over the enemy target, bombs loaded, waiting for the president's order to execute the plan. You are helping a lot, believe me!