I know I'm not going to be greeted nicely, but heres my story. I have been married for eleven years and have been faithful until recently. It started off as a friendship and then turned into an affair. I feel bad about this and don't know how to make this right. I love my husband very much and have no intentions of telling him. I still talk to OM, who is also married, but I plan to stop contact. I seem to be having such a hard time cutting all communication with the OM. Before this affair I was a good person. Great mother and wife, but now I just feel like an evil person. I look back to try to figure out how this happened and I do understand how it happened, but just don't know how to get out of it.

Welcome to MB. It's the best place to be if you want to rebuilt your M.

First of all stop de Affair. Cut all contact with OM. Change job if you have to.

Read all MB site, buy the book Surviving an Affair.

and... tell your husband. He deserves the truth and only with this truth you will be able to rebuilt a better and stronger M, if your BH chooses to.

Only with Radical Honesty you will be able to be "yourself" again.

All truly rependent WS are welcome here.
And receive all the great wise advice.

So please, end that Affair and come back for help on how to rebuilt your M.
How to be honest...

Know that if you END the A, before your H finds out (AND SPOUSES ALWAYS FIND OUT, sooner or later) you have much BETTER chances.

Agreed.

You have to tell your husband and if you really love him, bring him here so we can help him.

lostTiredinLimbo & bigkahuna, thanks for your response. I know the right thing to do is to tell him, I just don't feel I can physically tell him. My hopes are I can end this thing and go back to being normal. I'm scared that if I tell my husband he would be devastated and not forgive me for what I have done. Our marriage has always had a strong foundation of honesty and then I allowed this to destroy that, but I don't want to hurt my husband no more then what I have already have. I have repented several times for being unfaithful, I'm just having a hard time not talking to the OM. The experience was not even good, but it's more so the emotional attachment that has the hold on me. I don't desire to be with this OM physically anymore. This whole scenario is completely selfish, which is something I have never been. I was always the woman to self sacrifice for my husband and children. Now I'm this monster.

Telling your husband will help you. It is the only way. You cannot carry this. You have no idea how he will react. Deciding for him is very disrespectful of you.

The whole situation is disrespectful.

That will not happen until you take the steps that others have suggested here. If you don't, the fantasy bubble that you and the OM have built around the A will continue.



This is a possibility, but it's the end result of your infidelity, not your honesty. If you don't tell your H, he will likely find out via another channel, which will make it even more difficult on him.



Your M will not regain that "foundation of honesty" until you tell your H what happened. And consider this - the longer you wait to tell your H, the more hurt he is going to go through. Why? Because every day from the time your A started until the time he found out the truth is going to seem like a lie to him.



Yet you refuse to be honest with your H?



You are caught in the grip of a bad situation brought on by your own bad choices. Now, you need to make some good choices, no matter how hard they may seem. Choosing to continue to be dishonest to your H is not a good choice IMO.

ManInMotion, you are right I'm caught in a bad situation. I feel if I could just stop all communication then maybe I can get the strength to tell my husband. I just want to get out of this hole first. I'm a Stay at home mom and have no means of supporting myself and we have four children and I don't want to be kick out.

Nlf,

Try to keep in mind that although what you did was the most painful thing you can do to your spouse,even despite that,most betrayed spouses ( BS's ) do want a chance at recovering their marriage after the initial shock and anger phase.Then the most important thing you have to do is end all contact with the OM forever.That is hard for the cheater but it's the only way your marriage will have a chance.It will hinge on actions mostly,not words.And no contact ( NC) with the OM is a good first step.

Not telling your H about the affair ( A) isn't an option.If trust is to ever be rebuilt,it starts there.It will be hard work like you never knew before but you not only have a marriage at risk,you have children involved who deserve a chance too.But,for some,adultery is a deal breaker.So,you need to take things one step at a time.If you read over on the general questions ( GQII) board you will get many responses there too.

Nlf,

You are not caught in a bad situation. You created a bad situation. You can get out of it simply. You know that but you are still in your affair and you know that as well.

You said earlier
You got a great response from MiM. But, first you need admit that you are still having the affair, and you are still cheating on your H, and that are not and cannot be the W he need while in the affair.

But, here is something you will need to understand and learn. I have been here a long time and you are not the first poster to come here saying "I'll take it to the grave, rather than hurt my H." But, in many cases and in one that I have a great deal of familiarity with (a poster named Jill) the keeping of the secret eroded the marriage. Jill tried it for over a year and half. Finally, it came to the point that she either told her H or left. Why? She had to build a barrier around herself. She did this so that H would not find out. The problem was that when she built the barrier, her H was on the outside, and she feared many things but mainly accidently saying something might make him suspicious.

So she withdrew, and her H knew she withdrew. He could feel it and it ate at their marriage. Finally she told him, and surprise he was CRUSHED, but he did want to remain her husband. Gradually Jill pulled the barriers down and after alot of work and honesty, they rebuilt their marriage.

Nlf, your marriage is actually over right now. Your H just doesn't know it yet, but it is. You have violated your vows in many ways. The only issue is it going to be rebuilt and that takes HIS cooporation and help, and since he does not the problem, he cannot help. You will never see the things you need to see from your H because he doesn't know that he has a problem...OR DOES HE? You see most people have gut feelings and most of the time they are right.

It is very likely he knows something is wrong and it is eating at him as well. You have no idea of the power and insidiousness of having an affair, and the dishonesty and disrespect that goes with it.

I find it interesting that you NOW fear losing your marriage, but you entered this affair with no fear at all. Do you realize that neither position was a very good one for you? Try honesty, it is the way out of this mess.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Yes I am still in the affair and that's the main reason why I feel it's so hard to tell my husband. Once I can get out of this mess I think I may have a better chance of telling him, but right now my greatest struggle is stopping the contact with OM. I tried to not answer his call but answered anyway. The way I'm behaving is so unlike who I am it seems like I'm possessed by a stranger. Why is it so hard to stop talking to a person? My husband is such an awesome person that doesn't deserve this. I just feel completely paralyzed.

I can relate. I had an affair and I told my husband. He knows and we are trying to work it out. However, he is badgering me all the time and the funny thing is, he did the same thing several years ago.

This is my advice to you-from the pot to the kettle- dont condemn yourself. yes, we made mistakes and we cant change that. Seperate yourself from your sin. God loves you and He wants you to reconcile with Him first. I agree to tell your husband. I did. No it was not easy but I needed to be real with him and me. Read Psalm 51 and Psalm 32. Once you repent God says there is no condemnation and no man should judge you. I know that is hard to believe b/c we all do it but go to the Bible for your strength.

Are you scared of your husband? Do you still love him? Just remember you are not trapped. However, God wants you to be honest too.

Nlf,
You have it backwards. Probability indicates that you will not be able to stop this affair by yourself. You need your husband to help you stop this affair.

You are involved with another man and you are keeping secrets (that you share with this other man) from your husband. You are treading on very dangerous ground, not just the affair as you see the affair--it is the secrets that you are keeping and sharing with this other man that is killing your marriage.

You are building a false intimacy with the other man and you are destroying intimacy with your husband because of all this deception.

You cannot build your marriage while you have all this deception going on. And most likely, you will not be able to break it off with other man while you are involved in all this deception. If you come clean and tell your husband, you have a chance to re-build your marriage. Your husband will be very angry, hurt, and feel like his best friend or child died when you tell him. But, if he wants to re-build the marriage, he will help you end contact. He will keep tabs on you by looking at your cell phone record, your e-mail accounts, your bank statements, your comings and goings, everything that needs to be watched so that you can stay firm in your resolve and end this. You and your husband can write a "no contact" letter and send it to this other man.

Your husband is your best ally to end this affair. If you don't tell him about it, you will most likely keep it up and he will find out on his own--that is worse than you telling him. Every minute that you keep this secret from him, your marriage is dying. Give your husband the information that he needs to help the two of you save your marriage. He deserves to know what state his marriage is in so that he can make choices on what he wants to do. It is the best decision you can make to begin to recover your marriage. Have you read the information on this site? Read it and then sit your husband down and tell him. Do not hide anything from him. Do not withhold the worst information, thinking you can save him the pain and save you the embarassment. That will only make the recovery process more difficult. Start being radically honest with your husband so that you can recover your marriage.
Lake

mdrigs & lake53, thanks for you advice. Mdrigs, yes I do love my husband and no I'm not afraid of him. Thanks for the scriptures I will be sure to read them. Lake53 I do believe I can end this affair it has not been a long term affair it has only been one month (two encounters). Today I will not answer his calls and then tomorrow and the next day. I believe if I can get through one week of not talking to this OM. I can break free. Once I break completely free I feel I can get a clearer view of what I need to do. The whole point is to sin no more. Also, I believe if I go before the Lord and ask for forgiveness and truly repent of my sins that I will be forgiven. The biggest sin I have committed here is against God. So this is who I need to make it right with. Right now I don't believe I will ever tell my husband what I have done. But, I don't know what tomorrow will been. When I had this affair I was under tremendous amounts of stress and very vulnerable. I understand now my weaknesses and will strive to improve these when I get away from this OM, which I will.

Two of God's commandments are applicable here:

1. Thou shalt not commit adultery
2. Thou shalt not lie

I don't believe that God meant for his commandments be treated as buffet items, where you could choose to follow some and ignore the rest and still be right in his eyes.

As such, by failing to tell your H the truth, you will be lying by omission and therefore continuing to sin in the eyes of God.

I'm also getting the impression that your avoiding telling your H the truth has more to do with you trying to avoid the consequences of your actions than it has to do with the possible effect on our H. That suggests that, while you might feel tinges of guilt and shame for your actions, you haven't yet reached the point of remorse over them.

AS much as God loves us and forgives us He still asks tough things of us. You have to come clean with your husband. This is not a choice. The forgiveness for what youve done is free from God however, there are consequences to our sin. We have to face them head on. Look at the big picture and the future. He had the right to be mad and leave but it is his right. You would want the same thing. What if the other guy had an STD? Doesnt your husband deserve to know to make sure he is safe. Remember this advice I am giving you I have had to swallow and do myself.

Mdrigs, I did us protection when I was with OM. Also, after being with OM I was checked for STD's. My husband and I also use condoms as form of birth control. So I never have unprotected sex with husband or with OM. This still doesn't change the fact that I should tell my husband about affair. I may some day tell him I just don't think it will be anytime soon. I know for a fact I will not tell him until I can cut all contact with OM forever.

Who are you protecting here - your H, yourself or the OM?

Telling your H is one of the best ways to ensure that NC with the OM WILL be established. OTOH, keeping the A secret from the affected parties is the best way to ensure that NC will NOT be established.

I think you know what it is you need to do to end your A. All you need now is the will to do it.

I agree with above. It seems as if you are not sure what you really want right now. Just remember these people are only trying to help you and your family. I wish you the best. I will pray for you.

please, keep posting and letting us know how you are doing with no contact. No contact is key. Telling your H about the A would help ensure no contact. But it seems you are not ready for this step. Use us and let us know how you are doing with no contact. Please be honest with us so we can help you.
Lake