Today was not successful I answered his call. He wanted to see me, but I made up a excuse and didn't see him. Out of all the years I've been married I would never allow for a man to ever get close to me and it's shocking that I have been this stupid.

It's just as easy as to answer the phone and say: "This is wrong and I dont want to talk to you again... please don't call me again" "Yes, has to be like this, this is very wrong"

And no, no arrangements for a last goodbye meeting.

Is OM married?
Is he a friend of the family or a neighbor?

And please go read the Emotional Needs section.
START meeting your H's need's, all mentioned if you have to... Concentrate all yourself on "satisfying" your H, feel the happines that comes out of just givng...and you will see how silly OM will look to you....

Be strong! You can do it!

I'm glad you are still posting here. Many wayward spouses find it difficult to comeout of their fog. You seem to be a typical wayward spouse. Now as you try to avoid him, chances are he will get more emphatic about wanting to maintain his relationship with you. How are you going to handle his next contact with you? Do you have a plan. Yes, it is shocking but this is all following the standard script.

That is why your H will likely find out about all this as you will not be able to get "no contact" in place.

What is your plan? You need to tell him in writing that you will not contact him and ask him to stop contacting you. Then when he calls, do not answer. That is it. Can you do this?
Lake

I'm starting to believe what you guys are saying about letting my husband know because It is not as easy as I thought it would be, with stopping contact with OM. He called four times this morning, at first I didn't answer. But the fifth time I did, there I was engaging in another conversation. Losttiredinlimbo OM is also married. So far my only plan is to try to get through oneday without talking to him. This is really crazy.

Affairs are to be treated just like addictions. The affair creates a chemical release into your brain, because you have allowed the OM to make deposits in your Love Bank, by virtue of conversation, admiration, or any of a number of other combinations of emotional needs we all have.

The reason you cannot stop yourself is NOT because you have any kind of a great LOVE for this man. It is because you have become ADDICTED to the way YOU feel when he makes those deposits, that only your HUSBAND should have been making.

As a result, you live for your next FIX, just like a crack-head. You want the OM to call, you love how you feel when he calls, you can't wait for him to call again, even right after he hangs up.

All the above posters are correct. You must confess to your husband what has transpired. You must begin a state of no contact FOR LIFE. You must do whatever it takes to never see this man again. You will experience withdrawal, just like a drug addict. Once that passes, you will be able to accept deposits from your husband again.

You must read Surviving an Affair. It is THE handbook to your getting out of this mess. Continue reading and posting here for advice, but you really need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your TRUE INNER SELF and decide if you wish to be the wife and mother you were before, or a person who becomes comfortable with adultry, lies and self destruction.

It's up to you to decide!

Best wishes,
SD

As I am going through this from the opposite side, I am having some trouble with your posts. I don't understand the difficulty in stopping the contact with the OM. If you want to remain in your M, as you say you do, why are you still talking to this person? For me the EA is more painful than a SA. Animals have sex, doesn't mean anything. In an EA, you are sharing so much. Giving your thoughts and soul to another person. You state your H is awesome. Does he deserve this humility and disrepect? What are you truly afraid of? Afraid that he will toss you out and you can't support yourself, or afraid that your marriage will be over? If the OM welcomed you and encouraged you to leave would that affect your decision? Believe me, your H knows something is up, he may not be able to put his finger on it, but he knows, he can feel that you have pulled away, that you are withholding something from him.

Good luck to you.

Well, then, here's another plan, that will also help you "get through one day without talking to him."

Tell his wife that you've been screwing her husband.

Pretty good odds that he'll stop talking to you after that.

it's also the right thing to do, for HER. She deserves to know that her husband has been cheating on her.

I'm having a hard time telling my own spouse let alone telling someone else's spouse. That is OM responsibility not mines.

The OM didn't commit adultery all by himself - you participated, and in doing so you've done something that will bring enormous emotional pain to the OMW. Your comment above and your previous comments about avoiding breaking the news to your H suggest that you're still not prepared to take responsibility for your role in the A and the consequences of your actions.

You are indicating by the difficulty that you are having that you are addicted to this A. Here you are still having contact with him and you are continuing to lie to your husband. You are prolonging the pain and adding to the very real likelyhood that your husband will catch you in your A activity.

It sounds like you are at a point where you need your husband's help to end this. Remember, every contact with this man is very hurtful to your husband.

What do you think you should do next?
Lake

What I should do is stop this madness and be the wife God has ordained me to be. To turn my eyes back to my marriage and work through our problems and to be an example to my children. I tell them all the time to be honest in everything no matter what. Now here I am not practicing what I preach. Two months ago, I looked down upon people who had affairs on their spouses and now two months later I have done the very thing that I have been so against. My husband and I have counseled many couples, so many couples look up to us for advice because we have had a strong marriage. ManinMotion, you said that I'm not prepared to suffer the consequences. I have to say you are right. I made a stupid mistake, don't we all make mistakes. Nobody's without sin. Yesterday, I was unsuccessful with NC with OM I talked to him and saw him. The reason why I'm having a hard time letting this guy go is because I have allowed myself to emotionally attach and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know this sound pathetic because instead I'm hurting my husband. So far today I have not talked with OM, hopefully he will not call.

Even if he does not call today, you are still going to have difficulty with this because you have been and are being dishonest with your husband. He may not call today but what about the next day and the next and the next? My H was involved in an emotional affair. I figured it out despite his protestations. I was able to help him stop the emotional affair. We also have had a good marriage and are viewed by others as an ideal couple. He thought he was a very loyal husband. He fooled himself at least for the most part even while he was involved in the EA that it was no big deal.

I don't know if he would have ever come out of the EA without my help. It is something I wonder about. He is just grateful that he is out of it. It has been a very painful time in our marriage. But I am glad I figured it out and he ended it with my help.

I think you need your husband's help to end this.
Lake

I replied to your posting to my message, but am going to put it here as well. You are right, we all make mistakes and commit sin, the thing that makes it really bad though is, once we realize what we have done, and that it is wrong, we are supposed to stop that action and repent and not do it anymore. You have to be feeling bad, only you can fix this. I feel bad for you. Sounds like you are just waiting around for this OM to call, when he does, you are at his beck and call. What does this say about his feelings for you? You don't seem to mean anything to him. Is that what you want for yourself. I wouldn't. I need to feel that I matter, that I am important, not just some sex toy.

Good Luck with your struggle. Sending you some "strength" thoughts.

Thanks, I appreciate your response. I did post in the other forum. I am a stupid wife. Because I didn't know that he felt something was wrong. Until it was too late. I knew that he was being a jerk to me. Didn't know why. He didn't give me the courtesy of telling me how he was feeling, the opportunity to address what was bothering him. Then when it got progressively worse, it was too late, the damage was done. It all was just a total turn around from his normal behavior. Hard not to notice when you feel like you were hit in the head with a brick. It is unfortunate for him that I know him so well and can tell when something is bothering him or when he is lying to me. It is unfortunate for me that I didn't figure out it was an A sooner. I think that is because it is just so out of character for him, nothing I would have imagined him doing. It is unfortunate for us that he didn't think enough of our relationship or me to talk to me before he decided to do this, that he didn't think enough of our 24 years together. I would have expected him to end our marriage before moving right along to someone else, especially THIS someone else. There is a long story there, but he picked her especially because it knew it would be more painful for me.

I know you have been told that you need to tell your husband. I would agree that your husband has the right to know, but I don't know that it is absolutely necessary. I could have easily lived the rest of my life not knowing this about my husband. The pain is just incredible. I can't tell you how much I hurt. That he was so unhappy and I didn't know about it, that he didn't feel comfortable telling me or that he didn't want to tell me, that I wasn't enough for him, That he didn't respect me enough to tell me what was going on in his head, that I, that WE didn't matter enough to him; that 24 years together meant so little to him. That I constantly think about what is wrong with me that he had to do this. Where am I lacking? That I am so lonely now without my best friend. The person that I could go to with any problem or concern and talk it through, even if it was about him. I have no one to talk to now because he is no longer my best friend, my confidant. That I wonder when we have sex, is it me he is having sex with or am I a substitute for the OW, that I am stupid enough to still have sex with him, that I am fearful if I don't, he will just use that as a reason to leave me. That I was not able to make him happy. That I have to watch how he acts in our home when it seems plainly obvious that he would rather be anywhere than here with me. I am just so filled with feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing, inadequacy, feel unlovable, feel like crap. Feel insulted that he thinks I was so stupid not to notice, that I am going to buy the "I don't remember" statement.

You said you don't want to hurt the OM. This just floors me. Why are you willing to hurt your husband? It is just a matter of time. He will find out. Then where will you be? This seems to tell me that this OM means more to you than your husband. Have you ever tried talking to your husband, telling him how you feel? Why do you think he doesn't deserve to know how you feel? What sent you to this OM? Did you fill out the questionnaire? Are you staying with your husband just because of your SAHM status? Please don't do that. Isn't fair to anyone, your husband, you, the OM, future OM. All of you deserve to be happy. I am also a SAHM. Quit my job to take care of a sick newborn, then a daughter that has heart failure and my dying mother. I was in charge of $50 million dollars worth of purchasing. I made more than he did. I was respected by many people. Now I don't even respect myself. I am so unsure of myself. I am embarrased. So many people always made comments about our marriage, how good it was, that they know we will always be together, how lucky I am to have him for a husband, what a great guy he is. Ha! What a joke that turned out to be. Joke's on me though, I guess. It scares me that I could actually harm myself rather than face a life without him. The kids, him, our family, they are my life and now half of that is gone. I don't have a college degree. Have some college. We met in college. He decided he wasn't going to return and I left at the same time because I couldn't imagine being away from him even for a year and a half. Now I can't get a job. Most places in my field require a college degree now. I can't get a lower level job because they look at my previous earnings and education and tell me I am over qualified. Then there is the fact that I haven't worked in ten years. I am now looking at returning to college, but that is hard with two kids in college and a little one that is used to having Mommy around. But I will never NEVER be in this position again, where I have to rely on someone else to live. I think the only reason my husband is still around is because he feels responsible for me. He knows I couldn't support myself. What a terrible feeling that is. I am a burden, an obligation to him. I want him here because I matter, because I am important to him, not out of some sense of responsibility. This is the lesson I have learned from this, you just can't rely on people, can't trust them, no matter what amount of time has gone by, no matter how well you think you know them.

You have the opportunity to spare your husband pain, humiliation, etc, yet you are not willing to do so. This REALLY puzzles me.

You really need to examine your feelings. No one wants to hurt another person, but the fact that you are claiming to want to spare the OM hurt, but seem more than willing to dump that hurt on your husband says something.

I am assuming you said something to the OM about ending it. He isn't respecting your wishes. I know you said that it isn't your responsibility to tell his wife. Did you try telling him that you had hoped to spare both of your spouses the pain of finding out about this, but if he doesn't respect your wishes to concentrate on your marriage and end this, that you will have no other choice? What would he say then? You are going to have to get the guts to do it though, if he still doesn't stop contacting you.

You really do need to think about what you want, and give your husband the opportunity to work on the marriage with you. He deserves this. If you don't then it really doesn't matter if you end this A or not, because if you aren't getting what you need from the relationship, then there will just be others.


I can only imagine what you are feeling. I am sure it has to be uncomfortable around your house with your husband, I imagine you feel guilty. Clearly it upsets you on some level otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Only you can stop all of this, but you have to be honest with yourself about what you want. Could be you don't really want the OM, but do you really want your husband? At some point, you had feelings for your husband, out of those past feelings, I would hope you would have enough respect for him to deal with him honestly, or at least to end the A and then work on getting out of your marriage. Have enough respect for yourself.

I hope you don't mind my little novel here. Please take the time to think about it. All of you deserve to be happy, to live fulfilled lives and the current one isn't the right way to go about it. It isn't fair for anyone involved, you, your husband, your kids, the OM.

Sw, Thank you for writing this mini novel, the way you feel is the way my husband will probably feel when I tell him how I have failed him in this marriage. After reading your story it sounds similar to my story. I have been a SAHM for nine years now. This has been something that I have struggle with because now I'm ready to go back to work and my husband doesn't want me to go back. Lately, I have found being at home has been extremely lonely, which I have no friends. The people I talk to during the day are my children. I do take classes online, so when I do go back to work I can have something because when I research on jobs you are right most positions require you to have a degree. These companies don't care if you have taken time off to take care of your family. When they see the timespan of your last position being so many years they look right over your resume. SW, why don't you change your name to WofStupidHusband, you are not stupid. You have to see that you are the decent one in the marriage. It's not your fault that your husband choose to go outside the marriage. Just like it's not my husbands fault that I went outside our marriage. Any person who is in a marriage can fall into the trap of adultery. It's a temptation from the devil to try to break up marriages and destroy families. I had A because I was tempted to commit sin and I did not do what the Bible told me to do and that was to flee. I was weak and now this A has a stronghold on me, but it has nothing to do with my husband not being a good husband.

just a simple suggestion....

My father once told me before I started dating girls 30 yrs ago to remember that the girl I was taking out will be someone's mother one day. She deserves my utmost respect.

The next time the OM calls or you go meet him somewhere...remember do you want your children to ever know that you are sleeping with someone other than their father?

Do you respect your motherhood ? Because you are doing great harm to your family and your children's future - dont you think?

Perhaps that thought will put a chill in your fantasy.

Yes, I respect my motherhood and no I don't want my children to know I'm sleeping with someone other than their father. I did not talk to OM yesterday and I feel much better. I even have a renewed amount of strenght. Today I have gone to the Lord and ask for forgiveness for the last time. With His help I know I can do all things, so my plans now is to keep my eyes on His word and to turn completely away from this sin. My husband and children deserve better.

The suggestion was not to give disrespect but rather a 'virtual' cold splash of water in the face.

Nlf

sadly welcome to MB. Like you I was a WW (wondering wife/ adulterer lets be honest)
and I guess I have some idea of what you are going through and your fears.
Lets look at a few things ...

NO CONTACT
First of all your affair is NOT over as long as there is contact. Its that simple so don’t kid yourself.
You ARE having an affair right now.
To stop your affair you MUST stop contact totally.
That absence of contact will reduce your addiction/attraction to the OM (other man).
This may take some time and IT WILL affect your behaviour at home, just as I am sure your affair has done.
If that means changing a job or shopping elsewhere or staying away from friends etc then that is what you must do.

TELLING YOUR HUSBAND
For a moment lets not talk about honesty and the right thing to do, lets look at the reality of this.
I doubt you will get away with not telling your H, UNLESS you lie more and make it worse as your behaviour probably without you realising it most likely already puzzles your H but he does not know why. I would bet he KNOWS something is wrong but not what.
I know I DESPERATELY did not want to tell my H, but he knew something was really wrong and the more I lied the more suspicious he got. I had already ended my A some time before he actually arrived back home from deployment so this shows how much such an episode affects your behaviour.
However I will say my ending the affair before he knew about it did help me keep my H I feel. That’s my personal belief anyway in my circumstances.
Have you thought about what would happen if he discovers a whole bunch of lies & deceit on top of those of the affair? You think its going to be tough now, wait until he feels you have been leading him by the nose like a docile steer. You are flirting with more disaster.

FEAR
If you are anything like me I was petrified of loosing my marriage, my H, my children will hate me, my mum & dad would disown me & so on, humiliation before family and friends and the community.. all of that. yes all real fears too.
I don’t think I have ever seen my H both as angry or as hurt as when I told him. As I said he half suspected and eventually I blurted it out. It was horrible. For me for him. But I did this to us both, to my family, but I was not a monster, I was not evil... I just did a terrible thing to myself and those I love above all things in the world. Like you.

My H called me every name under the sun, yelled at me, the whole thing... for some time ... it was not pleasant but then no one could expect it to be. I made it a whole lot worse by trying to avoid telling him as much as he wanted to know because I felt if I did he would then definitely leave me.. every yucky dirty detail was what he wanted, what he needed to work out if he could forgive me. It took a lot of good people here to get me to do that. I was so frightened about it. It was as terrible as I thought it would be. Lets not pretend it wasn’t.
That was when my REAL work began to save my relationship with my H. In fact I still am working on that, on the trust, on the honesty and it never stops. I hadn’t realised how much for granted I had taken my H. And yes he me for that matter.

Look Nlf there is NO easy way to get out of this. You crossed that option when you stepped over the line and became a cheater. We both did.
You CAN go get help from the Harleys RIGHT now and make a phone appointment and get help on a plan for YOU to
1 End the affair
2 a time and place to tell your H
3 how to ask for forgiveness
4 how to show him you are willing to work like you have never before to demonstrate your commitment to him
5 how to handle his expressions of anger towards you which will come
6 how you may help your H deal with your actions

Could he leave you? Of course he could. There are no guarantees in this except one .. YOUR actions are already 'infecting' your marriage and sooner or later, perhaps a year or two down the track, WILL cause a rupture that may be a lot worse than admitting your affair and seeking forgiveness.
However if your H is a loving H, a good man with all the normal good and bad we all have, he will be hurt, puzzled why you did it, want to know why, want to know if he can forgive you, want to know if you would do it again, want to know if he can trust you ever again .... and that’s the start ... but he might just surprise you and want you as his wife, one who made a terrible mistake yes, but one who can learn.

Its no use you or I wishing it didn’t happen, it did. Now we need to deal with the results of our actions. You need to decide.

I will recommend again though getting the Harleys in on day one (about US$180 a session I think but then how much more costly a divorce?) because they have so much more experience than many other counselors.
Please, please do this, ring them ASAP before you set your path in stone.

With kind regards and a hopeful [[HUG]]for the fear

AW

Oh yes, you may wish to bring this thread over to the General Questions 11 as there are a LOT of people with extensive experience.
however just please be aware so many posters are the betrayed spouse here and some will be very angry, you may cop a bit as I & others did but please remember to accept what posts you want and disregard the angry ones which don't help you.

You will also get it STRAIGHT. no holds barred. 2 x 4's etc as well .... its no use asking for help and then not realise you are trying to get out of doing the hard stuff.

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Nlf,

Bad news does not get better with age. It won't matter a bit if you tell you H now or end the affair, wait five years and then tell him. It will be new to him as if it were yesterday AND he will realize that the life he thought he had was a lie that went on for ???? years. You have already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet.

My FWH had (supposidly) already ended his A when I found out. He claimed that he was planning on telling me, but I will never really know if that is just one more lie. You didn't just make a mistake, you chose to have this affair, you are still a willing participant. Your H didn't get a choice here.

You seem to be waiting for some miracle to save you from yourself, wake up, this is your responsibility and you need to own it. You aren't achieving NC day by day simply because OM doesn't call you. You have to stop taking his calls. The longer you wait, the more damage you are doing. Take a good long hard look at OM, is he worth risking everything you hold dear....I suspect not, but your addiction to him could cost you everything...your husband, your home, your relationship with family members, your children....all just gone. Are you really prepared to experience this?

WHo