Aussiewife, thanks for your story this has given me some insight on what's to come. So far this is my forth day of NC with OM, today he has called three times and I did not take his call. I know this sound foolish, but it has been extremely difficult not answering his calls. Once I have completely ended this A and no longer have desire to talk to OM, I will consider telling my husband. Yes my husband has noticed some difference in my behavior, but haven't quite put his finger on it. I notice the longer I haven't talked to OM the more easy it get's in NC.

WhoMe, thank you for your eyeopening truths. OM is not worth my marriage, children, and lifestyle. When I tell my husband this may very well be my fate anyway.

Nlf,

If no one has mentioned this allow me to. NC is withdrawal and it is very much like drug addiction. Why the analogy, because your brain has chemically altered during the affair. The High's (endorphins you get when very happy) are constantly reinforced with contact with OM. Now that you have no contact, there are no High's and your brain wants it. It is also what is called a "runner's high" which is why some people become addicted to running even when it is harming them. It is the cravings for the endorphins. It takes about 3 weeks for these cravings to start to abate. You must do this 1 day at a time. Because it is like a drug addiction, it is often easier if you have support and this is where telling your H what has happened.

Seek support from someone, and stay away from OM 1 day at a time. Also consider a NC letter stating very simply that it is over and you want no further contact with him. It sounds cruel, but it is actually easier and best for both of you. You see he has the same chemical addiction.

You MUST end this or your marriage will be in deep serious. You are aware that your H is noticing things. I can tell you as a male, if YOU are aware of his noticing things, then he is noticing FAR more than you realize. Thus, you are closer to losing your marriage than you think.

Listen to AussieWife, she has offered wonderful insight and advise, and what she states about her H is true, he also posted here. They are good tough, honest people Nlf, and still it was hard. Listen to her.

God Bless,

JL

Nlf no its not strange that you had trouble NOT answering the OM... its an addiction because he is some way is fulfilling a need you perhaps did not realise you wanted fulfilled, he jumped in to get it for obvious reasons.

Thats another reason I advise very strongly that you seek professional advice ASAP!!! If you don't end it now you will be drawn back in. Write or email to OM and tell him you want no more contact EVER.
DO NOT say sorry, DO NOT say it was good, STUFF HIM FEELING BAD, JUST SAY ..
OM, PLEASE do not try to contact me in any way any more, Nif.
No with love, kindness or anything!!! just end it.
Keep for later your H may want to see it.

Nlf your H is about to bust you, if my guess is right, pretty soon if he has noticed your behaviour, so act now. It at least may be in the long run be of some good that your H could see you were fighting for the M BEFORE you tell him. He will still be angry, hurt and all the rest, just think if it was him having the affair with a younger woman (believe me I have nightmares about it), and how you would feel.

Most BS go through denial when they suspect an affair and it is an extremely emotional and vulnerable time for them, there is no easy way to tell your H what you have done.

ACT now. .... get rid of OM, contact the Harleys. Thats the beginning.

Hold my hand Nlf if you need to, there is a tough time ahead but many here will really try to get you and your H through it.

AW

Hey Nlf...been there, done that, kinda sorta still there...only longer in all ways...my H does know though, H "sensed" problems before disclosure, I was getting ready to leave H for O/M....
I, like you, REALLY thought MY H would also kick me to the curb, but, although he was crushed, he did not, and we are still hanging in there....
I am not a favorite here at MB, because I have trouble severing all contact with O/M too....the A lasted much longer than yours, but the N/C would make it so much easier, I just can't seem to sever all ties...just when I think I have "ended all contact" something comes up and O/M will contact me....I am telling you, FROM EXPERIENCE, sever ALL contact, AND tell your H immediately...
Wouldn't YOU want to know if it were the other way around? And then you have to live with the consequences, which rarely if ever turn out to be as bad as you anticipate...but trust me also Sister, it aint easy, and it will get even harder....but, you have to do it. Think how much worse it would be for your H if he finds out through some other source....like cell phone logs, neighbors, the O/M calling your H....trust me, I've been and still am where you are now, TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!!! Yes, everyone says HE deserves to know, but, also, I say, YOU deserve to have him (H) help you through this.....and he will.

Just talked to OM and told him not to call me anymore. I feel sad but glad because now I can start this withdrawal process and get out of this fog. Then I can get my senses back and start thinking about how I am going to tell my husband.

Please remember he'll be going through withdrawal too. It would be a huge step in your favor to either block his incoming calls, or better yet, change all your numbers.

This will be hard for you, but you can recapture your soul if you follow through by ensuring NC, and confessing to your H.

Good for you, and good luck.

SD

Nlf that is great, a good step though your H may want a letter some time in the future.
Also as SD above said the OM will probably still try to contact you regardless unless he was not emotionally involved, in other words quite happy to just use you as long as he could get away with it.

Just be aware even talking to him will cause you trouble, even just seeing him across a street so be ready for that and RUN away from any contact. Block his number if you can.

Now this may take some weeks and it will be easier as time goes by. Be aware of temptation to contact him also. NO you cannot just ring to see if he's ok. STAY AWAY.

Vent here ... actually maybe go to General Questions 11 & shift this thread over ... lots of good advice there but as I warned, some who are also very hurt.

Aussiewife, you are right the OM has not stopped calling even after me telling him I want to stop. Him calling is making it hard to move on. I have turned my eyes back to my family and I'm keeping myself busy, but this OM keeps calling. Yesterday, I failed because I ended up talking to OM despite my strong effort in not accepting his calls. My husband and children are the most important right now and I will stop all contact with this OM. Just wondering how you stop talking to OM? What could I be doing different?

Change your phone number. Tell your H what is going on. Write and send a NC letter. Tell OM's BW....she'll help insure that he stops calling.

First, you have to REALLY decide that you want to stop contact and that your family REALLY is more important.

Please don't consider this a 2 X 4, but you really are putting everything you hold dear at risk by not telling your H. I think I can safely speak for most BS here in saying that we would have far preferred hearing the truth from our WS than to find out on our own.

Who

You have been told crystal clear to tell your husband and have him HELP you with NC.

THAT is what you could be doing different and what you MUST do if you want even a glimmer of hope that you can recover.

Sorry Nlf

been off dealing with some issues with my H and future SIL's deployment. Looks like they will be away for 2 years. So we are all trying to find out what home leave will be given ... zero so far. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, what can you do different?
Well I left my job, that was a big one, and though the OM did try to contact me for a little while, eventually after 2 months the OM left to live 3000 kms away when his wife found out what happened.
It wasn't that hard for me anyway being that I had no real feelings for the OM, I was very vulnerable at the time in deep depression after our young son died. I had this crazy idea where I felt my H had abandoned us & that it didn't matter if I hurt him or not.
Very messed up thinking as you know.
Maybe lots of reasons for affairs but there are NO excuses.

Phone, well I had ours changed, mobile got a new number, I had also prepared paper work for a restraining order based on harassment if the OM had continued to try to contact me & sent draft copies of that to him.

I can't say for sure what worked, I didn't try to find that out, it stopped some time before I found out they had left, apparently, as his wife told me later after I wrote to her to apologise, he was a player & I was stupid enough to fall for it.

I had to do this myself as my H was still deployed at the time so I know it can be done. I felt like a complete fool though for putting myself and family in this position.

In the meantime if he should ring and you pick up before you know who it is, HANG UP. You will only lead him on to contact you again if you are polite. Its likely he will give up after such constant rebuffs, though the restraining order threat may get him to drop you like a hot cake. Take that out if you need to.

Make sure you document all this as well, because if your H finds out or you tell him sooner rather than later, he may wish to see evidence of what you have done to keep OM away. Depends on your H I guess.

So far, I seem to be not having any contact with OM. I am suffering withdrawal of having sad feelings and urges of calling. But, I have been strong and will continue. I have turned my eyes back toward my family. I don't think I will ever be able to tell my husband what I have done. It's just so horrible that I just want to forget it forever.

Nlf,

You want to but you won't be able to. That is the sad but true fact.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry if I'm not up to date on your subsequent actions after the announcement above. I'm probably going to be redundant. As someone who had to discover the affairs of my wife on my own, I can say with strong conviction that our reconciliation would have been far easier and my pain lessened a great deal if she would have told me. At least that would have provided a spark of honesty to build upon. Of course you simply must cease and desist with the affair. You might be surprised to discover that your spouse wants to forgive you an make an effort to discover what he could have done better to meet your needs. My wife had the affairs (yes, 2 of them), yet I accepted some of the responsibility because of my love busters and ignorance of her needs. So while I was devestated it immediately dawned on me that there was an enormous effort I had to make to earn my wife's trust and love back as well in several areas. We have made a tremendous turnaround in several months. Our marriage has never been better! We have read Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs together in the evenings and followed the advice religiously. The changes in each of us have been nothing short of miraculous. Give your spouse a chance and give your marriage a chance. Good luck!!

As a BH myself, I can tell you that knowing the whole truth is crucial to the healing process. My WW has admitted to only what she was caught doing and has changed her stories several times. She has found ways to blame me and relieve herself of the responsibility. In the end she has only caused me to doubt everything and a happy outcome seems far less likely. I am in turmoil and really just want the truth and a new commitment to the marriage (although that may never come).

I understand that your BH may not suspect anything as I did not suspect until I found evidence a year ago. What hurts is she had progressively more serious relationships with a few men over the span of at least three years. I know your circumstances are different but that doesn’t make it easier to face. At some point, he will find out and things will get difficult fast.

I'm not going to lie. It is not easy and it won't be fun but coming clean is the first step to saving your marriage. Not only will it make the decision easier for your BH, it will take the burden and guilt off you and hopefully open a dialog that will help repair your relationship.

Please break contact with the OM! I don't know if he is using you but he is definitely controlling you (either intentionally or not). Even if you haven't broken contact, you should tell your husband. It might be just the strength you need to stop seeing the OM. If you were strong enough to break contact with the OM, you might not be strong enough to admit this to your husband. As time passes, you might even feel better that you hadn’t told him but will be more susceptible to other affairs. Break the cycle!

I know that if my WW had come to me and admitted everything, I wouldn't be reading these message boards at 2am one year after D-Day. It is a painful and consuming process when there is not full disclosure and reconciliation.

Actually that is true regardless of disclosure but certainly it is worse with continual lying....

Nif,

How about looking at this from a different point of view?

Come clean with your husband and tell him you need him to be your hero in order to cut ties with OM and rebuild your marriage.

Also, tell OM's wife. She needs to know so she can work on her marriage, and it helps with NC.

Aussie's Wife is one great lady. Heed what she says.

Back to first subject. Tell your husband. You might be fearful of his reaction, but I don't think he will throw out the mother of his four children. I didn't when my ex turned up pregnant with her OM's child because I didn't want to lose my two. Some years later, she left to "find herself." That was in 1980. I think whe is still looking.

I know many people believe that my spouse should be told all the details of this affair. But, after doing plenty of research I'm starting to believe this will only make matters worse. Some things are better untold. I have asked God to forgive me and I have turned away from my sins. Yes I'm suffering the consequences of my sins because now I'm sad and even more unhappy then before I had this affair. I have not had contact with this OM and still have struggles in having the desire to call. I feel like my heart is completely broken. I would rather live with this affair being untold then to hurt my husband any more than I have already. I understand why I was vulnerable for this affair to happen and will pay attention for the future to not allow myself to become as stress and depress as I've come. Whereas when this OM approach me I was not strong. I'm taking this experience and learning how to never allow for anything like this to ever happen again.

Nlf

Are you having success with no contact NLF?

Has OM tried to contact you again?

What about you, any feelings that you just HAVE to contact OM?

Just wanted to check in to see how you were going?

AW

Nif - I don't know where you are researching because all the research I have seen indicates that intimacy in your marriage long term will be impossible if yu continue to hide this from your Husband.

This site for one. "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder for another. In fact, apart from well meaning clergy and clueless counsellors, I don't know anyone who recommends continual lying to your spouse about an affair.