Post deleted by AllAboutUs

Wow.. you are in a rough spot. I don't really know what to say. My life is nuts too and we are also not living together. It's so hard to meet some of the most important EN's when you're living separate, huh? But even though I don't know what to tell you, I wanted to say hello and welcome to this site. You are not alone in your pain and confusion.

Post deleted by AllAboutUs

Do you consider yourself to be in Plan A or Plan B?

CH,
My take is that your WH wants to cake eat and you are blocking that by moving on. So he will do his lovey-dovey routine to manipulate you and keep the strings. Did you tell him that NC was absolutely necessary and breaking NC is a deal breaker?

In order for anyone to be able to offer suggestions, you will need to clearly identify your goals and provide those to the forum.

Sorry you have to deal with that from the one person who should be protecting you and your kids.

First decision: do you want to save your marriage? Are you committed to that?

If so, decide which plan you are in -- Plan A? willing to meet his needs? Also, expose this affair. It sounds like he is in the military. Have you told his command?

If you do not want to work on this marriage, then work on your boundries.

Either way -- he hasn't earned your trust. So spy away.

Post deleted by AllAboutUs

I'm retired military. So are Mortarman and several others out here. I have never heard of a commander who would dare to ignore a complaint of infidelity on the part of a subordinate. If the OW is also military, the interest would be VERY high.

That having been said, I've never seen an initial action taken by a cmdr to be as catastrophic as you envision. I suppose it may have happened…all things are possible but for talking purposes, the first action is more probably an informal reprimand and a (so-called) “direct” order to cease and desist. It’s when the order to cease contact with the OP is disobeyed that more severe non-judicial or even judicial punishment happens.

It’s up to you. I sense you’ve decided the situation doesn’t warrant strong action and it’s your decision to make. I fear you’ll regret it in the long run but I do wish you all the best in recovering your marriage. Good luck.

Post deleted by AllAboutUs

ConfusedHurting,

I noticed that you had an affair. I also noticed that you listed his affair as an EA. If that is the case it will be difficult for a commander to take much action.

Why are you two separated at this point? You never mentioned that.

Also, it seems to me that you don't want this marriage. You offer no good reason for being with him other than he is a "good provider". More it seems that the kids as is natural have pulled away, mostly because at their apparent age most kids bond more closely with mother. Are you doing anything to foster a relationship between your children and their Dad?

I suspect it is just me, but the sense I receive from your posting is that you have pulled away from for a long time. Now this isn't about finding fault. If you say you want to remain married, then the first thing to address is YOUR behavior in this marriage. Why? Because you are here, and YOU control your own behaviors, and yes even your perspective on things such as your marriage.

So apart from plan A, if you were to decide to really work on this marriage what would you change in your approach to things? I ask this because in marriages things are often very nonlinear. A change by you can have a big affect on him, but often you two need to be together, and you are not.

I would be interested in hearing more about your thoughts and situation.

God Bless,

JL

Post deleted by AllAboutUs

Madam, your husband's commander has a commander to whom he must answer. Please don't suggest that because your husband's commander is also guilty of misconduct that you have no recourse through official channels. It is not true.

I'll remind you of something Owl said on another thread here at MB yesterday. "If you do nothing to change things, nothing changes."

CF,

I think now you can see why I refrained from offering you advice. You two are still very young, and I am guessing your H will not really mature until he hits 30 or so.

But, to me the issues are on several levels.

1. You two are separated and have been for awhile. This makes it very hard for him to bond to the kids or you. It makes it very hard for you two to support one another even if you both understood how to do it.

I understand why you don't want to move now. It is your agenda to accomplish many things and none of them have to do with your H. Your son's health is one. Your education is another. You sense of value and determination to accomplish something in your own right. None of these things are bad, but none of them involve your H. I say that knowing that he should be involved with regard to the surgery for your son. But, the reality is he can do little even if he were there.

2. You have indeed pushed him away. You told him to leave and he accepted your command,although your father stopped him. I don't think you understand the damage that probably did to your marriage and his feeling that he was needed.

3. You have rediculed his need for SF, and pushed him away there as well, while OW is probably not. I agree with you that it probably is NOT just an EA at this point.

4. You stated he was in school and I presume working as well, yet you don't seem to factor in the stress of this with regard to his interactions with you. Given you will be doing the same thing soon, I think you will understand better.

5. Your H has withdrawn from the marriage emotionally it seems. This is very bad, even if OW was not in the picture. The goal would be to get him to reengage, but he is leaving for Iraq for a year soon, so it is difficult.

6. Finally, you did not move with him, thus sort of handing to OW who was already in the picture and meeting his needs.

Now you may think I am 'blaming' you, or saying you are at "fault". That is not the purpose or goal of my listing things as I did. To solve a problem one first has to exmaine ALL of its components, and then develop a plan of attack.

It seems to me the first problem is you deciding if you really want to remain married to him. I don't get the impression that you really care, other than it would be more convenient for you if you could off load some of your responsibilities onto him. This is not a condemnation. It is an observation, and if you decide you would like to rebuild this marriage, you must understand that if a stranger reading your posts gets this impression so will your H. If you want to rebuild somehow a plan must be developed that shows your H that he is more than a pay check, and a convenient person to off load responsibilities so that you can do what you want.

In short marriage has many functions, but few of them function well, IF both parties don't feel needed, valued, and loved. And if that happens marriage will be FUN coupled with a sense of accomplishment.

So think about these things, and let me know what you think. THen coupled with the articles here, perhaps counseling if you can afford it, and discussions with the people on this site, you can develop a plan to accomplish what you want.

God Bless,

JL