Did you reschedule? I hope you can pull yourself out of this, you sound so depressed. I'm taking my St. John's Wort again, as well as 5htp, it takes a few weeks to kick in but it really helps in the long run. I quit a few weeks and was more down so I think there's a corrlation. Can you go on some walks, go to a movie, read a silly book, whatever to try to get your mind from obsessing so much. Someone on another site I chat on said their shrink advised "thought stopping" when she was obsessive thinking about her divorce all the time. The couselor advised one hour a day to think about it, otherwise to stop thoughts. Read books on relaxation and managing stress and you'll find more methods. I hope you can meet with the counselor again, but in the meantime I do suggest some dvds on relaxation, yoga, breathing, etc that you can do on your own at home. You'll find even the music to be relaxing and healing.

I got to talk briefly tonight with the counselor.

Essentially, there's no hope whatsoever for my marriage (which I pretty much knew already). My wife was unable to give any real reason for ending the marriage. And as one of my complaints has been all along, her only focus is on how I reacted afterwards and not on what happened during our marriage.

I think that's why I was so mad and I reacted so badly when she ended it. Because I couldn't see any flaws we couldn't work through. It was so brief. And the way it was ended was so ugly and disrespectful and hateful.

None of that excuses my reactions of course, I'm not trying to make excuses. Anyway, we're rescheduling.

Anger is the uglist of all emotions. But I'm sure we all acted badly when things were ending. I had six at least really horrible months, I called my ex, cussed him out, blamed him, the works... He threw words back. Funny how it works, like your ex, I remember how horrible he was, what he said even though I was yelling at him - and it tainted me more. But he was awful, saying I didn't deserve a dime in a divorce, I did nothing, I wasn't a wife, you name it. But likely I was just as bad, I don't know, we were both angry and hurt. But one can't take back horrible words, one can only ask for forgiveness. At one point I called and apologized for my part of all of this. Even that made me feel better. You might consider a letter of apology to her for the words you did say that hurt her. For yourself even. It helps with closure I think, and forgiveness.

Life will go on for you. I feel so sorry for you, I hope you can find some peace in your life through this. I've been chatting with you awhile and still you are crying and upset all the time. I wonder if you might need some medication to get through this, at the very least the herbs I take. Exercise. Nutrition. Mindfulness. Whatever works for you to help get you out of this crisis. At some point you'll have to see light at the end of the tunnel at the least. You are moving forward at least finding a spiritual leader and male role model.

Been there, done that (letter of apologize).

She's mad, she has a right to be. It doesn't mean that my actions weren't provoked at least to some degree, but none the less they were still my actions.

My first counselor told me to get on medicine. I asked my doctor and he said I can't take it right now because of other medicines I'm on (I've had a lot of health troubles in the last bit as well though nothing that'll keep me down, I just feel like a junky now because I pop about 6 pills a day).


I'll get through it, I always do I suppose. I don't really have a choice. I just hate that things have to go this way. It wasn't that I was hoping for reconciliation. I was however believing that with her cooperating at least in the slightest (agreeing to see the counselor) that this would have brought us to a level of civility.

My biggest grief is the kids. At this point I have no control over that situation and no legal right. My last request of her over a month ago was to at least send me an e-mail or a letter once in a while to let me know how they were doing. The youngest one was failing kindergarden when I was kicked out. I spent many afternoons with him trying to help him learn his ABCs, etc. The other one could barely read and barely do math. I spent many afternoons trying to work with him as well. I won't even be told if they passed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That crushes me more than anything else. The counselor couldn't affect a change in that situation and I got the impression that he tried.

Maybe you should get a second opinion on all of the meds you are taking? But I'm more into natural herbs and such. What are your other health problems?

No you don't have any legal rights, that must be hard. My ex left his last girlfriend and two young girls he spent five years with. I met him a few months later, he didn't seem sad at all, a red flag? I mean how can you be a father figure for kids and not feel horrible and miss them? Of course his answer as always was money, cars and drinking. I missed the "character" part in choosing a mate it seems. So it's a good sign, you have character if you miss her kids.

You'll get through this. But first I'd look at your health, exercise, fitness and any natural ways you can get off meds if you are on that many. Natural doctors can be helpful. But that's my family background, I have a hard time even popping an asprin as my mom was so paranoid of medicines growing up. I just hit the bookstore, got myself a nutrition/weight loss/fitness journal. It's the one by Bob Greene. Any time I've wanted to get centered and lose a little weight journaling has helped me out. I get unbalanced and depressed more so when I'm not taking care of myself. That's what I did the last two months. Anyways I'm thrilled about this. I just want to really strive to be balanced again, then I think maybe I won't make poor relationship choices, at least I hope.

I do the regret thing too. Sometimes I think I'll try to reconcile with my ex. He'd want to, he keeps saying to move to his state. I don't trust he's made any changes. It'd be the same old thing, petty arguments, drinking, shallowness. For my boy I wish it would work so he'd have a mother/father, I think that's best for any child. Wish I hadn't cracked my ex's email - bad mistake, read what he said to an old girlfriend about me. Wasn't nice at all. Wasn't even true. A counselor once said look at what he says vs. what he does. it's always two things, but worse to see what he says to other people.

I need to do what you need to do, detach from the relationship. Stop obsessing. Stop being sad all the time. Stop being codependent - worrying about the other person (or their kids all the time). Figure out how to be healthy, happy and balanced without guilt. Have you read the Codependency No More books? They are about how if we are unhealthy, not feeling good about ourselves we choose people with problems - we dwell on the other person, we don't meet our own needs, inside we don't like ourselves even though on the surface we appear to. My ex in his emails even admitted he was codependent with me - he claims to have done everything, but truth is he took over. He had to be in charge/control. I gave up and started disliking myself more and more, the more he took over and criticized me. He might be right about codependency, funny he said he was this way in previous relationships - so why not make adjustments and do something about it? Rather then repeating the same old mistakes. You might like those books if you haven't read them yet.

Wish the counselor could help you, but what is meant to be, is meant to be. There's some peace in just acceptance don't you think? Then after all the sadness and heartache you can move on. Figure out what you want for yourself next.

Health problems:

High Blood Pressure, Pre-Diabetic, Migraines, Seizures

It all stays pretty well contained under treatment but its stuff that requires medicine (at least some of it) to manage.

I don't like to take pills either. Never did take much medicine, but after I started getting sick, I have to.

So some of the stuff I am on affects the brain and isn't compatible with Depression meds.

The thing about peace in acceptance is that I feel like I'm accepting to give up on children that are innocent. I don't feel like I have a choice to give up on that. The marriage is gone, that I can handle. I don't understand how you do that to kids though. Those kids loved me and I love them. They are appearing strong and she thinks its okay, but the counselor I was originally seeing had some strong opinions on this item and it wasn't against me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She is building patterns/blueprints in their life. They won't trust people. They will learn to run. They will learn to be selfish and care only for their immediate needs. They will learn their commitments and promises aren't important to be kept and that marriage is disposable. That's just what little boys need to learn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That's not just my opinion but that of the counselor.

If you are prediabetic, that must have a lot to do with your mood swings. I'm not anti doctor, but I am more into natural herbs/meds/exercise. Doctors like to through meds at problems rather then emphasizing exercise and nutrition, which might help you just as much if not more. You said you were a little overweight too? I know that relatives in my own family have had a tendancy towards diabetes and mood issues which is why my mom raised us in a complete healthy home, she was nutty about it and of course I rebelled. But I'm finding out that I do better with a very careful diet, 30 min of walking and the works. You know what the glyc. indexes are I'm sure. Have you tried the lower carb diets, knowing which foods help with keeping you from becoming diabetic? Sorry about all of your medical problems.

Your shrink could be right about your ex and what she's setting up her kids to become. I have a neighbor like that, the eight year old boy plays with my boy and it's so sad, she's just clueless on how her lifestyle is affecting her kids. You say your ex's kids have learning problems at such a young age, so does this little boy. It's like he doesn't have a chance and her mother is so caught up in herself that it's pathetic actually. An example of why I need to stay as mentally fit as possible for my boy. Not get into stupid relationships. And one of the reasons I haven't gone back to my marriage, I don't want my boy around the fighting and then the loss of his father again when it doesn't work out. The risk is too high. My boy is my life. It's a selfish world, people think of themselves first as you know - kids pay the price.

I'm so proud of myself, getting back on track with my diet, exercise, positive readings... I feel better. I had a mini crisis the past few months, scared me a bit actually. Usually I can get my moods back in a few days but stuff with my boy scared me. I'm behind on work two weeks, I'm self employed so I have to play catch up although it was my slow time anyways. I didn't return some important calls, can you think of any good excuses? I don't think anyone buys the "family crisis" thing or do they? How about I lost their message, found a note and I'm sorry.. that's sort of not a lie as I lost a bunch of messages that I haven't returned that are on my voice mail.

Did some speed reading today of procrastination. That's me, I'm the queen. I've been reading the divorce books on how to use divorce/separation to improve oneself rather then blame. I think I always blamed my ex for my own problems a lot - perhaps I even cried victim when he was just pointing out the truth. Oh there was stuff he did that was really wrong, but I'm always blowing up those instances out of porportion, the books say it's a form of self protection, are you doing that too? If you point the finger at your ex then you dont' have to really look at yourself. You don't see what you contributed to this. Even if your contribution was choosing someone needy and disfunctional, you married her and why?

So I'm into the Secret, the book lately, it's interesting because it's saying that we attract people into our lives who are like us. You are criticizing your ex for not trusting people, lack of commitment yet you have that track record as well. According to the New Thought - which I don't think conflicts with Christianity by the way - although many would be threatened by it - we have to work to improve ourselves and stop worrying about the other person. If you are smart and like to read a lot like me, you might be on the obsessive side, especially if day after day you are crying and sad, rehashing this over and over again. If you can get to the point of understanding that your ex is flawed, that a lot of what happened wasn't about "you" it was about "her" then you'll be better able to move on. See her as human, we all make mistakes, realize she like came from a screwed up background, it doesn't justify but the world isn't black and white, good and bad.

I'm sure you like me have issues to work on. First for me is my diet and mental health. Then procrastination and organization, which I'm horrible about. Being more stable, positive is next. And then reaching out to others and getting a life is after that. I tend to be a loner, caught up in myself, obsessive and for my boy I need to get a grip. How about you?

I'm reading a pretty good bit at this point, but perhaps I'm reading the wrong things. I'm finally out of school for a month so I have some time to think, but I think that does more harm than good for me. I tend to be analytical and so I need to explain away what is going on. That means I think about it and dwell on it when I really need not to.

I have been self employed before. I do some work on the side right now, but its not a living. Actually if I had more time to put into it, I could probably live on it, but I chose the stability of a corporate job for now (I chose that after my second divorce because my first divorce destroyed a great business and for my kids I needed something stable).

I really need to deal with my health. I could stand to lose a few pounds (more than I few I suppose). I used to be a Sheriff's deputy many moons ago. I'm no where in the shape now that I was in back then. The problem is that I lack energy and motivation right now. It gets better sometimes but it only lasts for a little while.

I think in some ways I'm ADHD. I have learned to build systems in my life to keep me on task. So I appear to be organized to most people because I keep check lists and daily to do and am always evaluating and have a routine. But the truth is, my daily function falls completely apart if I don't do it that way. I've never been diagnosed or treated for it (and in some ways I think its a cop out people use). I just had to force myself to build systems so that I could stay to task. That doesn't mean I don't procrastinate but because of those systems, I tend to get things done that I need to do.

Things took an interesting turn in the past week. Not for the better though. My wife doesn't have anything to do with me at all, won't speak to me or otherwise. When she went to the counselor, the counselor said she wouldn't budge on anything. She wouldn't even give him answers to some of his questions. I think he saw a lot of need in her but I doubt she understands that. I think everything is still all my fault. But that's okay, I'm not looking to blame or to convince her otherwise.

I'm make rounds commenting on blogs daily. One particular blog I was reading I was fairly sure (no I was absolutely sure) was in regular contact with my wife. Well, my wife shows up there to comment recently. Something I said sort of set her off. And it was so misunderstood and misinterpreted and the subject of my comment wasn't her. But it stems back from when I was writing about her online.

She decided to setup a blog and write against me. Instead of being offended, I was glad to see it. In a way, seeing her words sort of tells me where she's at and what was bothering her. And it wasn't exactly the things I thought it would be. I found it helpful. I decided to leave a "Happy Mother's Day" comment and she posted it without complaining. I then passed back the next day and she wrote about how good her mother's day was. I posted a comment that said "I'm glad to hear you had a Happy Mother's Day" and that was it. Well, today the blog has been restricted to invited users only.

I guess I shouldn't have posted there. I didn't think it would offend her. I was careful only to say the nicest of things. I was happy to have a tiny glimpse into what she was feeling. All I've been asking for as of late is to know that the kids are doing okay, etc. I thought perhaps this was an indirect way of that happening.

I was disappointed to see its been restricted. I'm sure she'll say that I'm getting a taste of my own medicine since she believes that I'm writing about her on an invitation only blog. The problem is, things have become so childish. My counselors words were "this is so 4 year old" when he was describing some of this.

I don't feel like I can just forget and move on. I can move on from our marriage. I can move on from her. But I can't bring myself to even want to forget about the kids or stop wondering about them. Shame on me for saying something nice I suppose. I could have been deceptive and not let on that I knew she was writing and at least I'd of gotten a glimpse of info. It seems the harder I try, the worse things get.

Oh well, that's what I get for getting my hopes up. Not hopes of reconcilliation mind you. Just hopes that things could one day be civil between us.

Sorry to vent...

On the loner thing, I would initially say no. I play in a poker league locally and do very well with it. I have a home game at one of my friends houses that I go to. I am very close to a female manager that I work with (not a romantic interest, we are both going through similar things and rely heavily on each other and our kids love to play together). I have another manager here that I often go chat with for an hour or more after my shift and who clings to everything I have to say and has invited me to off site things. I go out sometimes on Fri or Sat with some of the reps and coworkers here. I go to church regularly and know a lot of people. I would like to think that I have a solid social life.

But when it comes down to it, I think I really am a loner. I rather just be left alone for the most part. When I got married (each time), I usually end up setting all of these social activities aside to focus on family and being together. And in the end, I just want to be home with my family (which of course is broken right now). So I don't know. I don't know that I'd say I would like to be caught up in myself, but being left alone except by those I am closest to I can definitely relate.

I definitely need to get a grip however...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's ashamed it hurts so much. I found out today perhaps there's another guy involved after our separation. I don't suppose it should matter to me, but it still hurts.

You know what's really sad. It doesn't hurt half as much that she's moved on or found someone else (it does hurt) but because I know she hasn't dealt with her issues and she won't be happy. She will be working on her third divorce already before her second one is finished.

I truly want her to be happy. Why does it bother me knowing that she will repeat the same mistakes when I feel so hurt and mistreated by her? I should be happy knowing that she'll just repeat the same disaster she had with me. Why do I even care? I don't want to care but I do.

There must be something really screwed up with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She, she, she, she, she.... her, her, her, her....

You say you don't miss her but the kids.

Are you a "rescuer?" Read codependent books if you are. Were you trying to save this woman and her disfunctional kids?

Don't be happy that she'll repeat the same mistakes. Be human. Look at her, realize her mistakes aren't all her but her upbringing, past relationships, all compiled... it's human to make mistakes, if she continues that is HER not you.

You are one screwed up codependent dude at this point. So stop being screwed up, read the Secret, take some herbs for moods, cut the stuff that's making you prediabetic - junk food - exercise....

Whew

I know, I know...

But I feel in some ways responsible for her current situation. I know in some ways that I'm not and in other ways I know that even though I didn't cause her problems, my reactions have put her in a state where everything is focused as bitterness towards me and so she's not in a state where she can see or understand that she has problems that need to be worked through.

I'm such a schmuck for even caring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps that's the rescuer. I don't know...

On the junk food, I don't eat any junk food, no soda's, etc. That does't mean I eat healthy. Actually, my biggest problem is that I keep my schedule so busy that I skip a lot of meals so by the time I do eat I tend to be overly hungry. But I definitely don't get enough excercise. That's something I need to improve.

But there is some good news too. I've made some major improvements to my balance sheet and paid off all signature debts I had. I have only a vehicle note and student loans left which is a nice place to be. I'm actually starting to cautiously house shop. Obviously, I don't want to move on anything until my divorce is final, but there are some good things around the corner for me.

I also started around January or so preparing for online business again (I used to be self employed, pretty much entirely computer/internet based). Well,... in April, having a real good foundation and a lot of prep done, I started really pushing. Since then, in just a few short weeks, I've been able to get affiliate revenue up on one of my sites to $477 so far for May. That's likely to continue even if I don't put in ongoing effort though it will require a few hours of maintenance per month or preferably per week. I'm also on pace for about $200 - 300/mo already in service revenue for a basic thing I'm doing which requires about 30 minutes per day of my time. So, to say that I really started about a month ago and I've already built about $600 - 700 in revenue with only time as an expense is pretty good. I'm a good ways off from being self employed again, but I'm off to a great start.

And if it were anything else, I'd be very very cautious about whether it would be steady or not, but I've been entirely self employed online more than once before in the past and I know this stuff inside out, so when I say that I'm really confident I haven't skimmed the surface yet and this is pretty reliable to project monthly rather than as sporadic one time stuff, I'm pretty sure of it.

So things are looking up and good in many ways. Now, if I could just kick the emotional funk and/or depression, I'd be doing really good. Maybe I just need to get out and start dating again (ugh). That would be a welcomed distraction I suppose. I just worry that I have far too much baggage right now to trust myself in that area right now. Who knows. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. That's what Adry always says (a successful female manager at work that I'm very close friends with).

Anyway, I'm rambling now. It will probably be this weekend before I pick up that book just because of time constraints, but I'll go pick it up this weekend and share my thoughts on it. It'll give me something to blog about I suppose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you do web design yourself?

I do PHP programming and know HTML, but I'm not a graphic designer. In english, that means I can make websites work/functional/do things but I don't make them pretty, I hire someone else to make them pretty.

I picked up the book today. It's a lot smaller than I anticipated. I'll probably read it tomorrow AM since I don't have to go to work until 2 PM tomorrow (I'm on the late shift this week).

I had a Doctor's appointment this AM. My BP is a few points lower than normal and I'm 7 pounds less than a month ago. The doctor was very pleased.

I believe your response will be WHY did you recommend this silly little book. I tried to learn web design, but I'm not detailed enough. Tried to make money with mine and I just don't think like that. I'm into print marketing. Online is foreign to me. My site should be making money. Just not my interest I guess.

Good you are losing weight, but is it from stress vs. health? I am obsessively eating right and exercising. I'm up to 45-60 minutes a day. I'm so mad at myself. I gained about 20 pounds this year sitting around moping. So I'm already feeling TONS better just eating good. It's like night and day for me, but I have a tendancy towards moodiness.

The court gave me two weeks, and now it's less to say why nothing been done on my divorce on file. I don't know why I don't want to finish it right now, I swore I would. Everyone else moves on with their life, even on this site, and I've been in limbo on this 2-1/2 years. I guess it must be that deep inside I think we'll get back together - I don't know why but even today I bought an outfit thinking it'd be nice on a trip with him. We used to travel a lot. I miss that, I miss the good times. Sometimes I think I dwelled on the bad times, and the bad was bad that's right - but I was under so much stress, so was he when I left. More then a lot of couples could handle. We both cracked, it wasn't just him. I wish my boy could have a family. Who knows, one day I might just pack up and leave.

Jeeze it's a hail storm here. Huges balls of hail. Never seen anything like this.

Horsey,

I think those desires are natural (to miss the good times, to want your boy to have family, etc.). I still pick up little things for my soon to be ex wife at the store that I know she would like. I pick up stuff for her boys too. I know I won't get to give it to them. I don't know why I torture myself. She always said I was a pushover for the kids because everytime we went to the store together with them they came home with something. But I didn't just buy things. We sat down and built things together. I helped them with their home work. They tackled me in the yard and climbed on me. They'd sit on my lap when I sat in the recliner. She always marveled at how I spent time with them and how that contrasted to their real dad. I miss those things. I spend all the more time with my own children and I love it, but there's still something empty and missing there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not sure why I even got on this topic, I've been feeling good and eager and high all day and now I'm tearing up, but anyway.

So, did I mention I started house shopping. My divorce will probably be final next month. I found out today that in Louisiana where I live, there is a first time home buyer program. I checked the tables and I live in one of the GO ZONES (Gulf Opportunity Zone which was created after the Hurricanes Katrina and Rita). With my 3 boys, my income is literally a few dollars below the max to qualify. I was surprised at how much they allow you to make (it isn't major, but it isn't poverty) and still qualify.

Under the program, I get 3 major benefits. The first is the state pays the down payment and closing costs on a home up to $200,000 in value. Around here, $200,000 buys a fairly nice 3 or 4 bedroom brick home in the 2,000 - 3,000 sq ft range (out of town, 2 or 3 bedroom in the 1,500 - 2,500 sq ft range in town). The second is a low interest rate of 4.50%. The third is a government guarantee on the loan (like FHA) which makes securing the mortgage a lot easier.

I don't normally qualify for any sort of benefits because my income is a fair wage, but this particular program doesn't require poverty to qualify.

I was sort of excited after I found this out. I have an appointment with a mortgage officer tomorrow to start working out the details. I'm in no hurry, but I see no reason to sit on my [censored].

Okay, so I almost feel like I'm gloating now. That's not what I intended, but I do have some good things happening.

The weight loss is a combination of both. I've been taking better care of myself through what I eat. I don't get nearly enough excercise, but I've been eating healthy. My doctor wanted me to lose 1 to 2 pounds per week for a bit to help with my BP. It's been a month since I've seen him so the 7 pounds is right on target. A couple more months like this, I'll be doing really well.

I'll have to look into the first time buyers here. I'm self employed so I don't show that much on my taxes really. We didn't sign our two houses together so my name wasn't on the loans but the deeds, would that qualify.

Yes missing the good times I suppose is normal. I'm always doing it with summer clothes as we used to go on trips to Cuba, Aruba, St. John, Mexico, etc. and that I miss. But then again I used to travel before him. I have a three year old so trips are typically to other states to visit family. I need to get him a passport, sometimes there are good Mexico deals. Two years and he's in school so my travel days will be over for sure other then the typical times other families go. Strange though, I'll buy things thinking when we get back together...

I'm so in limbo. Everyone else moves forward but me. Any tips on that? At least you know about divorce and getting on with your life. I'm one of the first in generations to get a divorce, there's so much shame, and I just thought I could figure this out. More often then the good I remember the bad though, and the bad was bad. I didn't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in my own home - his cars in the garage, mine outside, his stuff all over the house, mine in a few cubby holes, stuff like that... We never even combined checking accounts and he resented that I spent my own money. Even a friend of his while we were dating said she'd seen him in two marriages, she asked why I would "do this" and said to find a man to "support me." It wasn't money I was after, just some respect.

I only have a week now to file a motion for medition - or do anything or they are going to dismiss my divorce case. I just go a letter. Procrastination isn't helping here is it? 2-1/2 years of limbo in separation, he lives two states away, doesn't even talk to me when he's here seeing his boy every 2-3 weeks, same old stuff... what a lonely person I was living in those big houses on the hill.

Glad you are losing the weight, me too. I'm hoping for 1-2 pounds a week. Have you tried the Abs Diet? I gain my weight in the middle, it's sort of an off take on the South Beach diet, I think men like it. It has some good quick recipes in a book called Six Minute Abs recipes or something. I've been doing some of them because I don't like to cook. He suggests a lot of homeade smooothies for breakfast, they are really easy and yummy too.

Hope you have a nice day.

Horsey,

I know the feeling of being the first in a line of divorces. There are no divorces in my family and here I am going through my third. When I got married last time, I had all sorts of family members pulling me aside telling me how they sure were hoping this one worked out. I won't even go on family visits anymore to extended family because I'm tired of the stares, etc. (I'm not that close to them anyway).

I don't have any advice on moving on. I never moved on by choice. I always hurt until I found the next person. Once you fall in love again, the past suddenly doesn't matter anymore. Until then, it hurts. But, when and if that does happen for you, you'll wish then that your divorce was over and you didn't have to still deal with it.

See, my problem is I'm worried about hurting my kids again so I'm afraid to date. I kinda feel like I need to get out and start seeing someone becuase that would take my mind off of things. But I also don't trust myself. What's to say I don't fall head over heels for the first person that comes along just because I'm lonely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I started reading The Secret. Interesting book. I didn't get all the way through it yet. I'll hold my thoughts until I finish it.

My schedule makes it difficult for me to follow a structured diet plan. It's easier for me to just start making healthier choices which is pretty much all I've been doing. I've been bringing my lunch to work when I can remember to (that probably has been the biggest help). It's been really challenging though because they just hired a new catering company to provide our cafeteria service at work and it smells so good every day as opposed to the old service which was pretty much food that could be run through the microwave (not very appealing, it was easy for me to avoid). I don't have a problem passing up food, but I'm often there 10 hours at a time with no defined lunch break so if I forget to bring a lunch, the smell of the good food later in the day starts getting to me.

Anyway, back to your question, the only advice I could offer you is to keep it moving forward. If you are in doubt that this is what you want, you need to explore that. Decide once and for all if there is hope for your marriage or not. If not, I would move it forward. If there is, set your goals, set your mind to it, set your thoughts in that direction and go after it.

Whether I agree with all of the theories in The Secret or not, I think there's a lot to be said for the power of positive thought. My goal today is to only focus on what I want to accomplish and where I see myself and not look back at where I've been or what I don't want to happen. It doesn't mean I want to forget the past. I think examining myself and my failures is necessary to improve myself, but it doesn't need to be my primary thought. I think we can do a lot of improvement while looking forward.

Enjoy your day!!!

Ugh...

My second ex just called, telling me how much she loves me and she knows I still love her and acting like nothing was ever wrong between us.

In some ways I'm flattered, but to be honest, this isn't what I need right now. My first ex already made her passes at me after this marriage fell apart.

There was definitely a time in the past when I would happily have taken them back, but I just don't feel that way about them anymore. I don't know why I even take their calls and talk to them anymore to be honest. Perhaps its just being lonely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My ex is like THAT too, thinking back I could "feel it" at our wedding, relatives of his whispering about him, staring at me, wondering if he could make his third marriage work, wondering about me... mostly his family "stayed" married. I don't know what the deal is with them, do they?

I was sitting in church today. There was some cute guy on the other side, I didn't see the wedding ring but I thought, ok, if I met someone like him I'd move on. Of course the cute girl in the choir came to sit by him later on, it was a fine fantasy anyways as it meant I was "thinking" about moving on more then ever... before I couldn't even find ANY single man to look at thinking hmmm... I still can't picture really dating but if my divorce was done maybe I would.

Why is it we as women have to be the ones to end marriages? My ex won't progress without me. It's obvious that he's out dating at least. I found him on a singles site for goodness sake. He always runs off making sure he has a day and night in the city a few hours from here as he comes and goes to see his boy. He says its his guy friend but what do you think? Last night he ran off at almost 11 pm, I let him go to sleep with his boy in his room, usually I made him stay at a hotel. I thought he'd stay with him but he ran off, meaning where ever he was going it was 1 am when he got there. Of course he called women in our marriage, I still don't see him as "the type" and I realize I"m a fool most likely. So you tell me, why does he want to run around lying if he's seeing someone, wouldn't it be best to just end the marriage? Doesn't make sense to me. Can you think of what I could tell him? Just hey why not let yourself get on with your life?

I know I need to decide once and for all if there is hope for my marriage. I read a book on forgiveness and it said that one has to even leave the door open, perhaps even letting the other person know what they have to do to reconcile and get forgiveness. I haven't really left the door open, so of course he's been out thinking most likely I was going to end this for good. It's been 2-1/2 years afterall. He keeps hoping we'll reconciile and I'll move up there to be with him. I've shut him off at all opportunities and he doesn't even hardly talk to me. I don't know why I've been so angry for so long, it's only lately I haven't been so mad. But I lost my dad to cancer too right after I left him, it was a hard few years. Guess if I don't feel at peace with ending the marriage I should keep it on hold until I feel sure, I don't know... I just know so much of it was my fault. We'd gone to marriage counseling so I really know. Just feel like such a fool.

Do you like salads? You can pack a cooler with just lettuce, chicken, etc to make a good salad for lunch. I like comfort food too. I like eating period. I'm going back on the South Beach Diet, I lost 20 pounds on it before, the low carb stuff really does work but it's hard because it limits choices. But there's some small pocket books you can keep with you if you are learning the program. Plus have some snacks handy if you work long hours, almonds, etc that are healthy rather then hitting the machines.

I too want to focus on the future and quit obsessing about the past. Positive thinking. I just watched the Secret DVD and I agree with some of it at least, to train the brain to focus on the positive, and the future. Sometimes I mope about my life today compared with the past, and that's what it says NOT to do. I've been "stuck" so long obsessing. I over think, and over think. I'm trying to train myself to say NO, and stop the thoughts as they come. The past few weeks I've been getting better at it. Replaying events of over two years ago certainly isn't helpful... Yes you are right we can do a lot of improvement while looking forward. I suppose we have to understand why the past happened to us - it's called consequences for our past - but then again thats the Secret, if we focus on the good, we'll attract good things and good people and success. I want to be in good, happy mode before meeting someone again - not in this down mode - as you can imagine what would happen.

Your second ex called you? That's like my ex's email that I cracked where he was emailing back and forth some old girlfriend... she was emailing like something never went wrong and so was he, but obviously something broke or they'd have gotten married. She moved on to some idiot that she's basically living with, and he's going on in the email I wish I hadn't read about how I cleaned him out, took money, left at the very first opportunity, you name it. Guess this ex thing is a dream when we are inbetween things? I tried to call my - and as you said it would have been a cold slap of reality - I didn't try to call him again, and I think God he didn't answer actually. I wonder if my husband called this woman though, she wanted him too, there were no more emails - maybe it was a cold slap too. As the book says its a break up because something is broken...

So you have two ex's calling you? What's that all about though? Didn't they remarry? Who dumped who?

Wow, there's a lot to respond there. I'm just passing through in brief here.

I chucked because I went and bought the Secret DVD today. I'm almost done reading the book. I'm critical of a few of her assertions, however being very spiritual, I don't deny for a moment the power of positive thinking. I just don't necessary agree with the metaphysical and/or quantum physics explanation given for it.

But, I've decided that I need to practice some positive thinking myself. Regardless of the reasons it works, I do believe, no scratch that, I know it works.

I also bought a book today called The Law of Attraction because I want to understand a little better that theory. I have SO MANY books I need to read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, you've left a lot for me to answer. I'll pass back through and answer in more detail late tonight or tomorrow. I'm on break from school so I'm working a normal 9 - 6 this next week so my schedule should be reasonable for a change.