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#1855121 04/03/07 12:51 PM
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Here's the backstory. Prior to our marriage my wife was involved in a serious relationship lasting over a year. She lived with this guy and he treated her well. They ended things on good terms and moved on. Now my wife has always been honest and forthcoming about their realationship and no longer has any contact with him, but for some reason I haven't been able to let it go. I feel cheated by him. I never lived with a girlfriend before our marriage so little things like waking up next to her every morning, things I feel I should've shared only with my wife, feel tainted. I also tend to fixate on things she's said early on in our relationship like "(Guy's Name) would say we had too much sex and didn't talk enough" I feel crazy, if I loved her enough it shouldn't bother me right?

zodi51 #1855122 04/03/07 01:09 PM
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You need to let this go. If you continue to make an issue of this it can poison your relationship. The past is the past. If your wife is faithful and has done nothing to rouse your suspicions, then it is wrong of you to hold her accountable for something she is not doing. My suggestion is for you to look inside yourself for why this is becoming a problem for you now. My guess would be that this is a maturity issue on your part. Your need to possess your wife is extending into the past. What's next? you'll become jelous of her parents for having her love when she was a child? Really that's how silly you're acting.

Think about this and find someone you can talk with about it like an older guy you respect or even a therapist. Talk to someone who can shed some perspective on how you are feeling and what you should instead be doing to insure that the relationship you share with your wife is as strong, healthy, and good as it can be.

Broom #1855123 04/06/07 11:38 AM
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"(Guy's Name) would say we had too much sex and didn't talk enough"

...what's wrong with that? She was just talking about a past relationship and maybe even wanted to see if you were satisfied in yours (with her). Maybe she wanted to know how you feel about conversations and sex.

Also, you married her as she is. You are to love her as she is. Period. You knew about the past relationship.

It seems to me that you recognize that this is your issue, not hers. In my opinion, Broom's tips sound good.

Blessings,
D--

D-- #1855124 04/08/07 10:25 AM
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I agree with Broom although I may not have put it so cold and to the point. Truth is, D-- is right. You made the decision to marry her even though you knew her past. I would say trust and not worry unless she is constantly comparing you to past relationships and boyfriends. There is a lot of truth in what Broom said that if she has done nothing to rouse suspicion try to look towards the present and future. Lingering on the past will not help unless she is doing the same. In that case it's a little different. My wife and I have had our conversations about past relationships and I will tell you that hearing any comments about my wife and past sexual encounters is not something always taken with a grain of salt. But my experience has been it depends on how the information is said so usually I don't have a problem with it. It sounds like your uneasiness is only founded by your own insecurities. If this is true then keep your head up. Trust me, you are not the only person, male or female, to have had these feelings.

tryingman #1855125 04/30/07 11:39 AM
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I have to agree that it's your own insecurities getting in the way of what could be a wonderful relationship. If she's 100% faithful and you don't doubt her on that then harping on this subject or keeping it in your mind will be your downfall.

All in all get over it! She's with you now. She's not with him and all people have to go through the "past reviled" phase. She didn't know you at that point in her life. So it does not pertain to you. Sharing the past is a point of intimacy. She chose to share things with you and now you are holding them against her. Unless she is holding this person as a point you need to reach or touting his manhood size and how good it felt or some other absurd thing, then it's your issue not her's and to be blunt, GET OVER IT!

kindalost #1855126 07/31/07 09:00 PM
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Don't worry about it man. It says alot about her character that she was even in a semi-longterm, loving relationship. I'm sure you would rather hear that than hear about a series of drunkin' "hook ups" and "f*ck buddies."

zodi51 #1855127 08/01/07 08:04 AM
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"(Guy's Name) would say we had too much sex and didn't talk enough" I feel crazy, if I loved her enough it shouldn't bother me right?

________________________-

IF you were secure enough about YOURSELF, it wouldn't bother you so much.
don't go blaming your insecurity on HER.

IF you don't love her enough to get over YOUR issue, you owe to her to be honest about THAT fact.

tell her how her past relationship makes YOU FEEL.
be honest....if you can't get past it, tell her that and
either work on it or let her go.......don't drag her down w/ you.

Last edited by nia17; 08/01/07 08:07 AM.
nia17 #1855128 08/01/07 01:39 PM
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sorry if it sounds like we are all beating on you but you will probably take down your marriage if don't let it go. now, let's give him some more ideas on how to let it go and be confident.

edit: use this as an opportunity to be open & honest. it may be a great opportunity for you to deposit love units. you really need to find out what those are from this site: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

also use this to learn how to grow and be a better husband. sex (sf) could be high on her list of emotional needs with less emphasis on conversation. how do you view those 2 areas of your marriage? are you getting enough or too much of either and if so, doesn't it bother you?

Last edited by Ashes2Beauty2Ash; 08/01/07 02:12 PM.
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sorry if it sounds like we are all beating on you but you will probably take down your marriage if don't let it go. now, let's give him some more ideas on how to let it go and be confident.
_______________

sorry...i didn't mean to beat up on him.
i have just seen this so many times before and you are correct when you say he will take the marriage down w/ him if he marries her w/o addressing what exactly bothers him

also...it annoys me that he said IF he loved her enough that stuff shouldn't bother him.
he makes it sound like he's doing her some favor by marrying her. (maybe that is not what he meant but that is how i read it)

maybe he really doesn't love her enough and if that is the case it's not fair to her.

have you discussed how much this bothers you WITh her?

Last edited by nia17; 08/06/07 09:57 AM.
nia17 #1855130 08/05/07 03:03 AM
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Ok, remember SHE MARRIED YOU, not him. SHE CHOOSE YOU! Cherish that, don't hold it against her.

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I guess I have a different take on this. My husband had 5-6 lovers before we met, while I was a virgin. And I totally understand how this guy feels. It took me over a year to get over my insecurities with his past sexual relationships.

I was very jealous of one girl in particular, whom he seriously dated for over a year. She was a virgin when she met him too, so he was her "first" just like he was my "first" - and this girl stayed friends with him for 6 years after they broke up, and even sent us a wedding present! I was about ready to scream when we got that present. Actually, he has now stopped all contact with her, because he recognizes that it is inappropriate given that he is married.

In any case, I do think it is very normal to be jealous/ insecure of the intimate things that the person we love has done with others. I found it extremely painful that my husband had done every conceivable thing with these other girls...he literally told me "there is nothing new I can do with you." And yet for me, it was ALL new...and I couldn't share that with him. For a while it made me physically sick when I imagined him doing such intimate things with other women - I literally felt like throwing up, it hurt so much.

But time heals all...now I don't feel as upset about it. Over time the past gets farther and farther away, and the proof of my husband's loyalty grows stronger. Though I admit that I still hate the girls that he slept with, and I probably always will. If I ever met them, I would want to slap them.

I believe that dealing with this kind of issue is like dealing with any deep grief: we have to mourn, and give ourselves permission to grieve, to feel the pain, the anger and the sadness for what we have lost.

Although some may disagree with me, I do believe that yes, our partner's past IS our business. Love is not one-directional. When we love someone, we love their whole life, present, future and past. We don't block out their past - even they can't do that, because it shaped who they are.


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