Hello all,

This is the first time I have ever posted here, so please forgive me if this is somewhat off-base or unusual. I have a problem that doesn't seem to go away and I thought that maybe someone could help me to at least understand some of these feelings if not alleviate the persistant unease.

Here is my situation in a nutshell. I've been divorced now for a year and a half. I had a fairly good 11 year marriage that came to a halt due to anger from both sides, past resentments, and a lack of passion in the bedroom. Currently, I have a good relationship with my ex-wife. We began as close friends and have remained that way throughout the divorce process. We are co-parenting an 8 year old daughter, so remaining on friendly terms is optimal primarily for our little girl, but also for us.

About 9 months ago, I met a wonderful woman on an online dating site and we began a correspondence that lasted 4 months before we actually met in person. (She was living out of state at the time). For the past 5 months we have been seeing each other and have fallen in love. We are very close friends, consider ourselves to be soulmates, and we have a hot relationship in the bedroom.

Here is the problem: I cannot stop thinking and fantasizing about other women. I can't seem to want to be committed exclusively to her. I want to date and make love to more women before I settle down.........again, if I ever settle down again. At the same time, I feel selfish and foolish because I really ought to be happy with this situation. But, I cannot stop wondering if there is someone else out there that I would be happier with.

What's wrong with me? Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? If so, what helped you to find some sort of peace in your life. Any and all comments are welcome. Thank you all for your time and insights.

-Chris

If I read this right, you met this woman (or started corresponding with her) after being divorced less than a year. I think it would only be normal to be concerned about not tying yourself down yet.

I'm cynical about the idea of "soul mates", I find that people in the infatuated stage of romance use it much more often than people in long-term committed relationships.

However, since the relationship with the new woman is fairly recent, how about talking to her about your concerns (not really ready to settle down yet, etc). If you truly are soul mates then she may understand and give you some space to decide if she is the one.

If you go off and meet other people that you like better, then I guess she really isn't your soul mate. My advice is to not tie yourself down too quickly.

Webfootgirl,

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate your comments.

I too am skeptical about the term "soulmates". I believe that there are hundreds or even thousands of soulmates for each of us. The chance that we cross paths with even one of them in our lifetimes is so rare that when it does happen, it seems magical and extraordinary.

I feel that it is necessary to say goodbye to my new love. It just seems so hard to do because there is a good chance that I'll lose her forever. But we both deserve the chance of true happiness and both of us might be better off with someone else. It will be the second time in less than two years that I'll say goodbye to love............not an easy task.

Thanks again for your time and comments. Thanks to all who have read this post. Good luck to everyone.

Frequently, when a person ends a relationship (like a marriage), they have what is called the 'rebound relationship'. You know, you get dumped so you go find someone on which to lavish some attention or who will meet some of your emotional needs. Then, you realize that this is not the kind of relationship or person on whom you wish to spend all your energy or the rest of your life.

I am not meaning to trivialize what you have found.

I just hope you realize that it is not uncommon for people to have this experience.

ChrisBlues ~ Sounds to me like you're in a classic recovery/rebound era of your life.

So the first and most important question is: Why are you dating anyone at all? This is not the time for that. It is perfectly underscored by the fact that you cannot commit. You are stealing another human beings happiness, sexual intimacy & emotions, while offering no commitment.

That recipe my friend is simply one for disaster & soul cancer.

One other point: You want to "make love" with many other women..."MAKING LOVE" = getting your sexual jollies is perhaps the greatest single MISNOMER in the Universe. You aren't "MAKING love". Proof? You can't / won't commit.

TRUE love is forever, for keeps, unselfish, long suffering, satisfied only when the one you love is best cared for always.

TRUE love is not what you're doing here. You're lusting. You're taking care of yourself, nothing more.

Think this through carefully...cause you've got a case of soul cancer my friend. How do I know? Been there, done that. It's fatal if not diagnosed & treated early.

And the "selfish" feelings you've got? They were put there by your Creator. It's called a conscience. Someone's trying to tell you what's right and what's wrong. Ignore it at your own peril.

To High Flight,

WOW. So many judgements from you. First off, what kind of woman do you think I am seeing? A babe in the woods who was born yesterday? She is fully aware of my situation and my personality. Want to know something else? She ain't perfect either. I am not stealing her happiness, sexual intimacy, and or emotions. We are each going through a painful period in our lives. We have made the choice to go through it, or at least a part of it, together. I think we both know the landscape and we know what is reasonable to expect. She doesn't have to commit to me any more than I have to commit to her. We are equals. I have made the choice to be exclusive to her. She has made that choice to me as well. Does that mean that she doesn't have fantasies about other people? Probably not.

Soul Cancer, eh? We all have a bit of soul cancer, my friend. It is a life-long process to purge as much of that from our systems as we can until it is time for us to leave this earth.

And just for the record, we are both making love to each other. We have had some amazing experiences together. And believe me, I am not taking care of only myself. She is taken care of several times before we get to me. This is the way that I choose to make love to her and lo and behold...............she seems to like it! I mean she REALLY likes it.

So please, don't get all high and mighty and go casting your stones my way. Are you really without sin?

Learn to make beautiful love to a beautiful woman........it might cure some of your "soul cancer".

Thanks for listening.

Chris, I'll venture a guess. Your posts are focused on the bedroom situation (bad with ex, now great with GF), so I don't think that HF is too far off in his analysis - I suspect that you are focusing on the bedroom to the exclusion of many other things that make for great and deep relationships.

I am suspecting that the reason you are still thinking about other women is that your GF, while great in the bedroom, must not be meeting some of your other needs. What do you think?

When you say you two have fallen in love, do you mean the deep mature love, or the butterflies kind that comes from strong chemistry?

I don't know your story at all, so I could be off, but hopefully this might help you start thinking about why you are not happy with the GF?

AGG

Hey Good Guy,

Thanks for your post. I think you've come very close to understanding my sitch. It is so difficult to find someone who meets all of your needs. I know that no one person can really do that. We all have to settle in one way or another, don't we?

The love that we have for each other is somewhere in the middle of deep mature love and butterflies that come from strong chemistry. Our love is definately not based solely on chemistry. That kind of love only lasts for a few weeks, I believe. There is much more going on here than a fun time in the sack, believe me. We are very close friends and we have a great love and respect for each other's hearts and minds. She is grieving the loss of a son, 2 1/2 years ago. I am grieving the loss of an 11 year marriage 1 1/2 years ago. We have our grief in common, true, but we also have a terrific friendship and chemistry. We certainly do not focus on the grief.

Anyway, I don't want to bore anyone too much so I'll stop there. Thank you for your opinion and insight.........I do appreciate it.

The grass is always greener where you water it.

Is it middle age crisis (i.e. how old are you?) or you had no ('enough') sex. life/experience before your M and now as divorced you feel "ah so free"...?
In both cases regardless - so, what does prevent you to try to have sex (it's not making love, we know that, right?) - with as many women as you want??
Without being (AND telling them) 'exclusive', of course...
And then you decide if you want again to settle down with one of them, or not ever...

What prevents me from trying to "see" other women is the hassle of dating and all of the time and money it takes to get to know someone, etc. before feeling comfortable enough to go to bed together. I am also afraid of losing the security of this special woman that has entered my life at a less than optimal time.

I have had a fair amount of life/dating experience before marriage but as you say, now I feel ah so free. Free but at the same time afraid. Afraid of losing something and afraid of rejection, etc.

And I guess which fear is bigger... at the moment...

I'm sure you already know that whenever we chose something, we loose something else, and vice versa...

Also I'm sure that after a while you might see that 'ah so free' doesn't have so much charm as you thought...
It can give you what you really need, that's possible too.
Will never know unless you try...

If I were your GF, I would love to keep you as a friend, support when I need...

Can you talk to her about (all) your desires...?
This could be better solution for her too... ?

If I were your GF, I would love to keep you as a friend, support when I need...

Can you talk to her about (all) your desires...?
This could be better solution for her too... ? [/quote]

Thank you for your helpful resonses Belonging, I appreciate your input.

I've talked to my girlfriend a little bit about this and those conversations have gone well. I guess it's time to really confront this situation directly and let her know that I feel I must begin dating other women. I don't want to hurt her, but to not tell her is also going to hurt her. The thing is, if I were to start dating again she would also. The thought of her with another man is very upsetting, so, ironically, this thing has a high potential of backfiring. The reason I say that is because she is very attractive and she ain't going to be single for long.

Why did you say if you were my GF you would love to keep me as a friend, support, etc.?

That was a nice thing to say, but what was the thought behind it?

Thanks again for your help with this.

Welcome


Yes, it is time, better she learns sooner...

[/quote]Why did you say if you were my GF you would love to keep me as a friend, support, etc.?

That was a nice thing to say, but what was the thought behind it?[/quote]

It looks she can get better part of you by having you as just a friend... (your 'possessiveness' and not giving you the same chances as you are giving to yourself excluded...:))

Chris,

I have followed this thread and have to chime in... I pretty much walked in your shoes to a tee. I think you dated too early my friend. You were married 11 years, divorced 1 1/2 years and met a woman 9 months ago.

I was married 19 years and dated casually after 6 months of seperation (way too early). So I waited until 1 1/2 years and thought I met the woman of my dreams. And she was wonderful but I overlooked some compatibility issues because dating her eased the pain from my divorce. After about 5 months, I started having doubts about us. Then I started thinking about dating other women??? Here I had a wonderful girlfriend but I was not happy. I ended up breaking it off. I have not dated since.

My divorce support group told me that the rebound relationship is like novocaine. It deadens the pain for a while and everything is great. But when it wears off, the pain comes right back and can even be worse.

Also, not everyone has a rebound with a loser (many do) but I didn't and I don't think your GF is either. My GF was sweet, honest and pretty. But it did not matter, nobody could give me happiness but me.

Now 2 1/2 years out...am I ready to date? I don't know??? I do know I have a clearer vision of life.. that I don't need someone (but would love to have someone). I don't feel the pain that I did 1 or even 2 years after my wife left but I still feel hurt from it.

This my 2 cents.. you may disagree but your situation sounds just like mine.

Keith