Hi. I hope this is the right place to post this becuase I'm new . I'm not sure where it should go but this says general questions so let me know if this is the wrong place.

I had a brief affair last summer with this guy that I met from work. I didn't plan to have an affair it just sort of happened with this guy. My h found out about the affair after the guy left by reading some emails that we were sending to one another. When he found out he was furious of course and right away wanted to kick me to the curb and the only reason he didn't is because of our 3 year old son.

I am really sorry all this happend and I do want my marriage to work. I feel sick when I think about what happened and what I almost threw away. Since the affair my h has been furious with me all the time. The only time he will even treat me like I'm there is during sex and he wants that ALL THE TIME!!!!!

My question is how long does this sort of thing last because I'm beginning to feel like if the only reason I'm here in this marriage is to be his sexual toy then maybe I should go ahead and let him leave me. Also is it normal for the anger to keep getting worse and worse? Everytime we have sex now he seems angrier and angrier and he keeps telling me that I'm not into it enough. Well maybe I would be more into it if it did anything for me but he is selfish and keeps making me do things in bed that I don't like and I think are discusting. When I tell him not to do that thing anymore he keeps saying that I have to because I am a slut and thats what sluts do.

Is he ever going to get over this or should I just give up?

Hi Lostgrl,

You came to the right place.

Do you still work with the OM (other man)? If you do your husband will never believe the A is over.

Is the A really over? Understand, you will have to break all contact with OM for life for this part to really end.

How much does your H know about the details of the affair?

Was the OM married?

He is hurting bad and not getting help to start to heal. But you two need to start a plan to recovery. A marriage is not you being a "sexual toy".

Understand though, last summer was not a very long time ago to a BS (betrayed spouse).

Does your H have any strong attachment to porn?

How long did the A last? Emotional affair that became a physical affair?

Are you two seeing any counseling?

I am sure others will be here soon. I am glad you came to find help here.

A couple more questions:

How long have you two been married?

What are your ages?

lost,
It can take an average of 2-5 years to recover from an A. And that's if the work is done to do it.

A's are so very painful to the BS for so many reasons. EVERY emotion is touched. For me anger is the one that tends to linger. All it takes is a few moments of going over the A in my mind and the blood starts to boil. I'm angry at him and I'm angry with me.

It's very difficult to purge yourself of anger. Most people tend to yell and scream to get it out, but if you've been on MB long enough, you know that's not the way to do it. It has to be worked through and it takes a very long time.

Read everything you can on this site. There's a few books you should also read, His Needs Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. These will help to understand some of the devastation your H is feeling. Most of all be honest, transparent and understanding. Your H is going through some of the worst h*ll on earth. It is extrememly painful.

BTW, you could also send him here, there's lots of folks here who will help. We've been there.

oh wow thx for the quick responses here!

You came to the right place.

>good

Do you still work with the OM (other man)? If you do your husband will never believe the A is over.

>Not really. He left after summer was over but he might be back next year. I just dunno. He sorta knows my h wants to kick his you know what so maybe he won't be coming back.

Is the A really over? Understand, you will have to break all contact with OM for life for this part to really end.

>Ya. I don't really keep in contact with him or anything because my h looks threw my emails and he would be even madder.

How much does your H know about the details of the affair?

>I don't really know because he won't talk abuot it to me. Whenever he does he just yells and screams and calls me names then he usually storms out and says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm afraid to ask lol.


Was the OM married?

>Na he's a little younger than me. I'm 25 and my h is 26.

He is hurting bad and not getting help to start to heal. But you two need to start a plan to recovery. A marriage is not you being a "sexual toy".

>It didn't used to be but I guess he never thought he was getting enough sex especially after Jason was born. He used to be sooooooooo sweet and I'm just sick that I screwed that up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Understand though, last summer was not a very long time ago to a BS (betrayed spouse).

>It seems like forever to me

Does your H have any strong attachment to porn?

>Yes!!!!!!!! He looks all the time and the stuff he looks at is NASTY!!! He says that it's nothing but some of the stuff he's been looking at he wants to try and I'm not happy with all that freaky stuff.

>How do I say no without him going off on me?

How long did the A last? Emotional affair that became a physical affair?

>Uhmmmmm...started on the 4th of July and ended when he left in August. I don't know if it was emotional or not because I didn't hink we were in love or nothing. He was just sorta nice to me and liked to talk. I married the strong silent type.


Are you two seeing any counseling?

>No...

I am sure others will be here soon. I am glad you came to find help here.


>Thanx.

How long have you two been married?

>We've been married around 4 years because I got pregnant with Jason and we decided to get married.

What are your ages?

>I'm 26 and he's 27? Does that mean anything?

It can take an average of 2-5 years to recover from an A. And that's if the work is done to do it.

>5years!!!! OMG!!

A's are so very painful to the BS for so many reasons. EVERY emotion is touched. For me anger is the one that tends to linger. All it takes is a few moments of going over the A in my mind and the blood starts to boil. I'm angry at him and I'm angry with me.

>I dunno what to say here because now I want to cry

It's very difficult to purge yourself of anger. Most people tend to yell and scream to get it out, but if you've been on MB long enough, you know that's not the way to do it. It has to be worked through and it takes a very long time.

>but he seems to be getting even madder and madder. If he's working through it shouldn't he not be as mad?

Read everything you can on this site. There's a few books you should also read, His Needs Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. These will help to understand some of the devastation your H is feeling. Most of all be honest, transparent and understanding. Your H is going through some of the worst h*ll on earth. It is extrememly painful.

BTW, you could also send him here, there's lots of folks here who will help. We've been there.

>I dunno if he'll come. he doesn't even want to ever talk about all this stuff.

Hi LostGrl,

A couple more questions. I know this sounds a little like Columbo but once others start posting we should have most of the info.

When did your husband find out about the affair? It seems he made the discovery and confronted you with the email evidence?

I am still not clear if your affair was just talking and an emotional conection or included physical contact.

You talk about escalading anger, yelling and increasingly aggressive sex. Are you and your son safe?

What was your marriage like before the affair? What was it like prior to the birth of your son?

You asked if he is working through it should he not be getting better. He is not working through it yet.

I have my own thoughts about the porn and probable sex addiction and his aversion to confronting the affair but I think I will let the bigger guns toss that one around.

bump for lostgrl