my WAW is having an affair and we are heading to divorce not becuase of that becuase she was unhappy and then wanted to get involved with somebody else and therefore told me that she wants out to pursue. anyway--the question is what if I try to expose the affair to the OM job? HR department? boss? this relationship has ethical implications because of the position he is in at the company-- I dont know if this is just pure anger talking or is it worth to some extent. I want her back but if I do this, it will have to be a secret

If you want her back, you should expose the affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they thrive on secrecy.

I would send an email or letter to Human resources and cc both their bosses. Ask them what they intend on doing about the affair and tell them how it has destroyed your marriage.

trying, is this guy married? Have you exposed the affair elsewhere, ie: his wife, his family, your W's parents, your children? Are you actively doing Plan A?

First I do want her back--but I also know exposing this kind of stuff can be very dangerous--it can propell her into his arms more--
Also, in this case it will be just the OM. (she works for herslef) I dont know his boss but I guess I can send a letter to HR. I dont know exactly what he does but I think I can find out. risks are too much Melody so I am a little hesitant-

again, I would like to know from somebody who has actually done this successfuly

yes I am doing plan A. being supportive, working on me etc. etc. guy is not married.
My wife is not exactly have kept this a secret. She was unhappy and then she wanted out of marriage to pursue this and only pursued after telling me her family and select friends so this is an unusual case--nothing is a secret. Her family has nothing to say-. WE are heading to divorce full steam ahead.

All BSs are scared of this. But the reality of the situation is that exposure does NOT do this! It may temporarily cause them to be mad at you and try to band together. But, all the while, it has turned up the heat on the affair. Now it is public. Now there are problems at work...or maybe even someone fired. Now, they cant do what they like with impunity. Sure, some continue and head straight to divorce. But they are the minority...and, they were headed there anyway!


What are you risking? What would you do if you werent afraid?


There are TONS of people who have done it successfully! I have been here since 2002 and watched a lot of BSs come here...too scared to expose. Eventually, most do. And almost every one of them ends up coming back on here and saying "I wish I had listened...I wish I had exposed earlier."

Trying...these principles work. You and your wife are NOT unique!! One of the biggest frustrations many of us have on here in helping people is getting the BS out of the corner, out of being scared. Of being afraid that things will get worse.

THEY CANNOT GET ANY WORSE! Your wife is having sex with another man.

Now, Dr. Harley is the expert on infidelity and how to save marriages. You wanna trust him...or continue to be scared?

So you are agreeing on the divorce? The reason I ask that is that you said "we" are headed to divorce. Sure, your wife may be headed to divorce. Doesnt mean you have to be a part of it!! Doesnt mean you have to help!!

Your situation is NOT unusual...it is NOT unique. As soon as you understand that, then you will take proactive measures to help save it.

ALL WSs are unhappy with the marriage BEFORE they head out to sleep around. Your wife is no different than every other WS!! If she had been heppy in the marriage, she wouldnt have headed out.

My wife said stuff like this too! She said "I was done with the marriage." Well, unfortunately, the marriage wasnt done with her!! She had no right to make those decisions...and neither did your wife.

It does not matter what a WS thinks!! They are not of the right mind anyway. They are "under the influence." Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. Stop trying to give credence to the musings of a person that has no idea what they are talking about.

Please...stay in the real world. Your marriage cannot handle two people stuck in fantasy land!

Thanks Mort-you are always direct and to the point. It makes sense. Beleive me I am at the anger stage now where I see what I did but I still do not deserve this. Ofcourse she thinks she is fine since she started the actual PA with a man after she told me. BUT IT IS STILL AN AFFAIR.

now I am working on me and being calm and keeping my head cool--following PLAN A and doing what I can for me and my kids-we are separated right now-have also got an attorney just to make sure my rights if heads to divorce-starting to look at financial stuff just in case--

but in the back of my mind I want to expose this to his job--may not do anything-but I want to do it secretly so she does not know. so therefore I am unsure. to your point what am I risking--more urmoil than what is already here. I want her back but at what cost???? ofcourse I am confused and need to be slapped around :-)

I am not agreeing withe hte divorce-I have very calmly told her that without following that with a dissertation on why. I am matter of fact when she brings divorce to tell her that I disagree. She is going to the attorney and will be filing it pretty shortly (today or tomorrow). so no I do not agree with that.

Mortman-honestly I have been very calm and have come to my senses pretty quickly, I was needy whiny, devastated, crying the first few days but I am calmer than most people. I am not showing any emotions to her except that lets give this a try. she is on a different planet and I realize that and therefore I am thinking exposing this to the OMs Job. so I need some guidance there.

really the only reasoning I am questioning anything like this is the impast it might have on reconciliation and on kids--that is the only thing. and I get all your points. no fantasy land for me.

trying, do you want to try and save your marriage? Because this is hopeless unless you can kill this affair. Plan A means doing your best to meet her needs, avoiding lovebusting and busting up the affair. You shouldn't consider exposure as an act of revenge, but as a method to save your marriage.

I also strongly suspect that your wife left because of the affair. A wayward spouse would be expected to lie, though, and blame it on their "unhappiness." Well, adultery is never the solution to unhappiness, so that premise is a ruse.

She probably told you she was "unhappy for years", right? That is classic fogbabble. And maybe you weren't the best husband all these years, but she didnt leave over it. So, I strongly suspect she left DUE TO the affair, but just doesn't want folks to know that.

Have you spoken to her parents about her affair? Do your children know?

What do her parents know about her affair?

No you do not!!


Fog Babble! The rantings of an insane person. What she says means NOTHING! She has no clue what she is talking about!


Very good!!


Why secret?


Well, I am plenty capable of slapping people around...although I believe MelodyLane is the Queen Slapper on here!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

But what more turmoil will happen? Is she gonna get mad? SO WHAT!!! Is she gonna start sleeping with the OM twice a day instead of once a day? SO WHAT!! Is she gonna try to leave you? She already has...SO WHAT!! Is she gonna try to divorce you? She already has started that...SO WHAT!!

Seriously, Trying...I know I am sounding harsh here but I need to get you focused here. Your marriage does not have the time for both parties to be swimming in the fog! One of you has to be the adult here...and it sure isnt going to be your wife!! So, I am going to be direct to the point with you.

Stop listening to your wife!! Normally, in a healthy marriage, that would be a bad thing. But right now, your wife is two forks short of a full place setting.

You are in a "do or die" situation here. Do nothing...and the marriage ends. Do something wrong, and the marriage may end. Do something right, and the marriage may end.

The idea here is that you must do that which has the greatest odds of success. Dr. Harley's principles have a long history of working in the majority of these cases. Is it full proof? Nope...nothing is! But it is the best bet you have!

That OM is responsible for the destruction of your family (along with your wife). You owe him no allegiance! It is time to turn the heat up on him, and on the affair.

Once you do that...you will see some amazing things happen!

that she is finding happiness somewhere else. They know. her sister knows. her family has emotional issues so they will not interfere and only support her. Her mom is sending her a book on her rights!!! so that part of the equation will not help

It doesnt matter if they help her or not. Have you told her parents the TRUTH of what is going on?

Do they know she has abandoned her husband and her child to pursue an affair? Or do they know the spun bullcrap she laid on them about her "unhappiness" and how she is leaving the marriage? A WS will spin the truth in order to gain acceptance. By nature, waywards are liars. So, do these people know the truth?

And were you really abusive? Did you slap her around, beat her up? What did you do to her that was so horrible? Were you arrested for domestic abuse ever?

Mortman-
hear ya loud and clear--as I am getting calmer and saner by the day-even went to therapist to work on me and it helpes a lot- I am getting the courage to do this and that is why I asking opinion on exposing his [censored]!!! I really dont give a ****** what she thinks. sorry for the words here but I am getting myself ot that and the way I am doing day after day I will do this. The question now is strategy. how--the logistics of it without getting me in trouble

Hi Trying sorry you find yourself in this situation.

My WW was having an EA/PA with a manager at her work back in the summer of 2005. I exposed to her VP by emailing and talking to him directly. I also called in the corporate snitch line to complain about the "innaproporiate" relationship between the two.

By this time my WW had already stated she wanted to seperate but I couldn't figure out why until I discovered the A.

The exposure put temendous pressure on their A and although it didn't immeidately end, it inflicted a mortal wound of there sleazy A. They were watched even more closely and couldn't sneak away during lunch breaks anymore.

Soon after my WW transferred to another office location and now she claims she doesn't see or speak to OM anymore.

We are now seperated and I have gone into Plan B and feel very good about trying to bust up their deceiptful affair.

Like MM said, it may send them closer together eventually, but the fact that their R was built on lies and deciept will eventually be its downfall.

I have absolutely no regrets about doing it and would do it again if I had to. I know I respect myself alot more for doing it and although she was spewing hatred towards me at the time, she has mellowed significantly since.

You should never fear or apologize for standing up for your M. The saying about short term pain for long term gain defenitely applies with exposure.

I would highly recommend it.

Trying,
People do not leave their spouse and kids unless they already know what they are headed to, or at least think they know. That being said, I would not hide they fact that you exposed (once you do). You are the man, the husband and the father. It is your job to do whatever unpleasant tasks are necessary to protect your family. You are not to blame if this scumbag loses his job because the boss found out about his affair, HE is for being so stupid to mess with your family. I would admit it with pride that I am willing to do whatever it takes to protect my family from something as ugly and disgusting as an affair. If they don;t want the TRUTH to be known, then they should create a different truth, one they can be proud of.

She has told them exactly that bullcrap about her unhappiness.


never physical--it was verbal and cutting her down, criticizing her a lot. I know that is my fault and I have to fix that for me not just to save this mariage. I am already going to therapist. I have recognized the flaw

As HTW said...never apologize for doing the right thing. It is honorable to stand for your marriage and family. It is not honorable to leave your kids and hook up with some dude.

What kinda trouble you gonna get in? She gonna get mad? GOOD! If her relationship with the OM was so good and honorable, then she wouldnt care that everyone knows.