Thanks guys.
I sent her an email that I need to talk to her today and it is important. she repsonded she has plans tonight and cannt see me. I told her that this is very important and IU know I cant tell her what to do etc. etc. She saiud no I have plans sorry. so she will be gone till Saturday afternoon and then will come back. Should I wait to talk to her then or let her know via email that
"I don't want to write in an email that I want to tell you--you have to hear it--Leave after meeting me that is your choice but I just cannot be part of your plans to do this. This is an adultery and you are destroying the basis of the marriage and family. yes our marriage was not happy but affair does not justify it. I cannot be part of this and I cannot be part of your pushing for divorce. You have to do what you have to do but I will not be part of this"

trying, I would suggest being more comprehensive in your email. Can you expand it to include:

1. you are congnizant of the fact that she abandoned the family to pursue an adulterous affair

2. you will not cooperate in any divorce schemes, but will work on repairing the damaged marriage

3. are willing to forgive her if she gives up her adulterous affair and ends contact

4. her adulterous affair with another man is immoral and very disrespectful to you and the kids. You are still married and seperation does not justify adultery



remove this entirely. She does not have to abandon her family for an adulterous affair.

wow- I did it. when I went to pick up the kids-she was there ready to leave. I told her that I want to talke to her and then I told her. Sorry Melody I am just reading your post. Essentially I said, I love you but I dont need you and I cannot participate in your plans of separation and divorce. You have to do what you have to do but I wont go along with them as you are inlvolved in an adultereous relationship etc. etc.

she blew a gaskit. She said this is it. no more counseling (she did one sesssion with Steve but just to do it). nothing. it is over and now she is trough with me and I am a liar as I proimised to her it is OK that she does that and that she told me everything. etc. etc. I remainted calm and said, I was wrong, first few days I had a fog in my head and in desparation was saying whatever that came to mind to save the marriage, now a light bulb has gone on and I do want to save the marriage and myself and I will do that and so I cannot participate in separation and divorce plans/arrangements.
wow!! it was tough but I went throug it. My probnlem is that I cant stop talking and was starting to have a discusssion about it but stopped myself. I had to repeat the message about 5 times as she was taking whatever I said in a negative way--"so you are telling me...."
IO said, look it does not matter what I tell you-you will do what you think is right in your mind, and nobody can change your mind, and I know that you dont love me. Understand that repairing this marriage is a long process but I am willing to do.

anyway--she huffed and puffed adn then left as she was going dancing with a group of people. I wont see her till Saturday morning.

what a releif. I tool the first step. I feel a little light but the problems have just started. I am sure. This is going to be pretty tough as her yelling will continue and my fear that she is moving away from me further. I have to be strong-I hope I did the right thing. I do think that I should have talked to steve Harley about this first.

The other thing I found out tonight is that her EA/PA started right about the time she told me that she cannot be happy with me and that she is interested in other people so it does seem like that her affiar started after that. That is a little disturbing as she did not leave me becuase of that although maybe a trigger point. Emotionally she was connecting with ham right about that time. so that is a cause of concern that what she told me was correct. what do you guys think. I mean she is right so my strategy could be flawed here.

as you can see I am starting to doubt what I started.

GOOD JOB, MY MAN!! You took an important first step.

trying, I can almost assure you she left to have this affair. She is lying about the timeline and the reason. Not that it makes any difference in your strategy. She is a married woman and is not entitled to adultery.

You did the right thing tonight. And of course she will be angry, she expects you to shut up and go along with her little ruse. You didn't need a counselor to have this discussion, trying, you have to be able to think on your feet here and can't be constrained in your movements by thinking you need a counselor to burp. We are people who have all recovered our marriages using MB principles and we would not tell you to do something in contradiction with those principles.



Step away from the FOG PIPE, friend!! She is already moved far away from you! Appeasement and buttkissing will NOT bring her closer. Don't appease someone who is he11bent on destroying your marriage and family, lest you contribute to their success.

And just where will she be until Saturday?

Hey, trying... Glad to see you are taking a stand. From what I understand, all WW (wayward wives) react this way - your wife is no different. They all get mad, and they all say "that's it, I'm not going to try anymore." I'm sure Mortarman and BobPure heard this, I'm sure MelodyLane heard this from her husband. It's nothing new. It's the same tactic children use when they don't get their way - "Well, I was going to be your friend and give you this present, but since you won't do what I want, forget it!"


I do not believe that this is true for a second. I've seen this scenario before - she is lying about when this all started, I would bet money on it.

Anyway, don't allow fear of driving her away to keep you from standing up for your family. As Colin Powell says "Never take counsel of your fears."

Your problems started when she began her affair; your DEFENSE of yourself and your marriage has just started. You have been under assault for a while and are just now starting to defend you and your children. You did good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

she stays in an extended stay apartment until she gets an apartment. I am sure she is going to be with him. She did say at one point well I wont have an adulterous affair. but that was it so I am not sure where that came from. after a while when she clamed down before leaving she was just looking at me and thinking. I know her mind is thinking of what to do next as she is paranoid.

with the proof I now have, she did start the affiar after she broke with me at least the PA part of it but even the emotional started right about that time so....
I am not justifying her actions but that she was not into it for a long time..so she seems right that she did not leave me for this.
and that is only why I am questioning it and also she said you told me that I can explore and I said well I was wrong and wanted to tell you anything and everything when you told me that you are leaving

so in her mind I told her that she can have her affair and so she did..but that is why she wants a divorce becuase she had told me that she will not be in a marriage and go see other people --she wants out of it so she can pursue her feelings-she told me that upfront.
so you see this is a little tricky and that is why I am doubting what I did

Just as Cuthbert noted, this is a CLASSIC RESPONSE from a WS when one interferes with the affair. They all say this. As if she was "trying" to do anything except pursue her affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> She will not be happy when you interfere with her affair, so don't expect her to be!!

But, don't believe for a minute that she just started her affair. This has been going on for a while and that is WHY she moved out.

You know her better than anyone, but you can't be sure what she is thinking. And while you are probably right and she is thinking of what to do next, I'll bet a small part in the back of her mind is thinking "Wow - where did this guy come from? And where has he been all these years?"


I'm sorry, maybe the physical part started when she seperated with you. Maybe. But I am telling you, the emotional component was going on for some time.


Good answer.

Even if everything she is telling you is true - and I'll bet you money it isn't - having those feelings and acting on them in the first place is the very definition of an emotional affair.

Don't let her snow you. Don't buy into her word games. She didn't just wake up one day with feelings for this guy - she allowed another man to fill her love bank to the point where she fell in love with him - and that takes time. So for a period of time, she looked outside the marriage for emotional fulfillment.

That is the very definition of an emotional affair. And that's what happened if she is telling you the truth.

And I'll still bet money she is lying.

now what? my plan

-work on me
-be a good dad to my kids
-try to get financial affairs in order (they are in a disarray)
-try to eliminte love busters
-bring the change in me
-work on all the things that need to be taken care of

with her:
-I will remain cordial
-calm and confident

what else. what do I do know. should I now use the carrot--a little flirt here, complements?, invite her to coffee (lol--I am getting over my head already) she is coming back on saturday with a vengence as today she actually hates me

Not buying it for one second. She just hid it well. She didn't just find this guy out of the blue and start an affair. She didn't just move out for nothing. Women don't just move out and abandon their kids unless there is a very compelling reason, ie: an AFFAIR. Even if she did leave you because you have stinky socks, she is NOT ENTITLED TO ADULTERY. Do you understand this? she is MARRIED. There is no excuse to abandon your husband and children and have an affair.


That is a rationalization. In reality a married woman is not entitled to have an affair. And now you are telling her to STOP, so she should listen, no?


But you know this is a lie. She IS in a marriage and she is screwing another man. So it is NOT TRUE that she "will not be in a marriage and go see other people." SHE IS!



The only thing "tricky" here is your wife who has tried to trick you about her affair. That is now changing.

trying, you have beat that carrot to death, my friend. Put the carrot away and get out the stick. Your work has just started. We gave you a strategy today, please read our posts about exposure, hiding your money, etc.

And where is your wife until Saturday?

see I am a tough project for you guys--I question everything I do..it is a love buster that I dont know how to get rid of.

the reality is that this may still end up in a divorce.

The reality is that we are going to try and do everything to prevent that. No guarantees, but we want to help you like folks helped us save our marriages when we got here.

I hear ya on exposure--I will decide after my attorney meeting on Monday--there are kinks in there that I want to make sure dont land me in hot water. but that has to do with exposing this to his job/HR.

but yes I have exposed o the family today-talked to her sister--she agres with me for most part but being a sister also empathize for her sister.

but what is the strategy now. What do I do now.

thanks Melody for your support. I want to save this marriage although it seems impossible. so when I talk to her should I be short, sweat, nice? I mean at some point I need to try to court her..it is a little early though

You know, I'm not no lawyer or nuttin', and talk to your attorney if you feel you need to, but I can't possibly see how you could get in trouble for telling the truth.

Legally, it isn't slander if its true.

Your next step will be to get all the info on OM that you can to prepare for exposure. Get his parents data, etc. TRy a background search on www.peoplefinder.com or zabasearch.com. Start writing your exposure letter to HR. I am not clear on why you think you need to consult an atty, though. This has never been an issue here before and we have had attorneys [board members] guide others in this. There has never been any legal ramifications.

I still don't think the exposure to her family is complete. They are only aware of the lies she told them. They need to be told the truth and asked for their support in saving your marriage for your kids.

I would prepare for this, along with protecting your finances asap. Do this tomorrow if you can.