no confronting OM will be last resort. (there is truly a legality here and per the attorney I really need to have all the ducks in a row). Plus there are some cases here that were decided in the WS favour becuase she lost her job when the affair was exposed and then H got stuck with supporting her even after the divorce and also she got major custody of the kids becuase now she has the time to manage them--wierd--it depends on the Judge but my attorney has cautioned it and according to her--right now is not the time for OM exposure--as she wants to use it at the right time-- This attorney is not in the favour of divorce as she recommended marriage counseling immediately but wife blew that away)

I will first expose it to the HR etc. and then go from there. Face to FAce will be ultimate last resort if needed.

Sir, my hat is off to you.

Think carefully about what you said to your WW.

"I value myself enough to requre at least respectful treatment howver p1ssed you may be at me. And I will not apologise for fighting for my marriage". How could a reasonable person take offense at that ?

It hurt her IME because it was a straight edge of good husbandry and fatherhood, that showed how crooked her own line has become.

Squid was EVIL when I exposed and adopted this dignified stance. It feels disrespectful to her for me to keep dragging up those details - she is in NO WAY that same harridan anymore, but you can read my toolkit Click Here to see how vicious she was.


Yet this morning ( it is morning here) I awoke to find her leg wrapped around me. She loves me MORE for protecting my dignity and standing up for our marriage even than before.

Now, go find out about OM and expose his [censored]. Set a sentry in HIS life.

A lot of activity last night!!

Trying...great job! You have drawn your line in the sand and said "no further!" If you ask the ladies on here, they'll tell you that is a very sexy quality in a man! Believe me, your wife noticed!!

Does that mean she is going to run home today and throw her arms around your neck? Hardly. But what it does mean is that this is the beginning of the end of this mess. She no longer gets to call the shots. She no longer gets to set the agenda. You are THE MAN of the house! God gave YOU the leadership of the home. And now...you have stood up and told this woman "no more." I salute you!

But, now the ball is rolling. There is no time to sit around and contemplate drying paint. You have much to do and you need to stay two steps ahead of your WW. We will help you do that. We will tell you what she is likely to say and do as this goes along. One of the great things with this site is that people here will help you be prepared for whatever she does. And everytime she tries something, you are already there. It will frustrate her at first. She wont understand how you are always in the way whenever she tries to do something.

For example...she is going to try to take over the hosehold funds. Whatever is there, will be gone shortly! If there are credit cards in your name, she is going to chrage a bunch of stuff on them. So, what do you do?? You temporarily shut off the credit cards and you move all access to money to some new accounts that do not have her name on it. You change your direct deposit to those accounts.

Once she runs into the wall a few times, she is gonna get even more mad...and then she will make a play for the kids. Right now, they are just a nuisance that gets in the way of doing what she is doing. But once she sets out on all of this, and keeps running into the brick walls you set up, she is going to come after you and try to take everything.

This is why you document everything. Journal everyday (make sure the journal is where she cant find it). Write down everything she does or says. Write down everything you do, especially in regards to the kids!! As Steve Harley once told me, the biggest asset for marriage reconciliation is those kids. They are the tie to you that no OM can break! In my case, it was the pressure by the OM to leave the kids permanently and move three states away, as well as her seeing the kids and I begin to move on without her, that was the catalyst for her to leave the fog. Do not underestimate this!! Take charge of your kids, protect them, and get custody!

On your attorney. First off, I got primary custody the first time we went to court. The second time, we got shared custody but they were with me about 70% of the time. So I have had great success in court in this situation. Your attorney is a hired gun. She is a tool for you to use. But understand this...she is only a tool. An advisor. She is not a marriage counselor. She is not your pastor. She has no personal stake in your situation. So, understand that she has one view on your situation.

Tell your attorney what your plans are. That you plan to protect the children, gain custody...all the while, trying to save the marriage. You do not want divorce. Tell her that you need her to do the things that will legally protect the family and yourself from your wife. That is ALL you need her to do.

You are in charge here, Trying. No one else can do this for you. At the end of the day, you are the only one that can save this marriage. And the clock is ticking!

As ML stated, you are too focused on the carrot right now. Sure, anytime you interact with her, you need to be the new, confident Trying. You need to try to meet needs if she will let you. And one sure thing you need to do...ALWAYS< ALWAYS, ALWAYS talk as a matter of fact. Example???

Instead of saying "I hope to save this marriage" you say "we will save this marriage and family." Instead of saying "can the kids jsut stay at the house and you visit them here" you say "this is the children's home, as well as yours. They will stay in the family home."

I told my wife that when she first moved out into a one room apartment. She wanted to share time. I said "no way." I told her that she only had one bed, she lived 20 minutes away. That these kids had school inthe morning and homework at night and did not need to be running all over town. She was welcome to come and spend time during the week with them at our house. And they could sleep over on some weekend nights. But no school nights.

And while she was angry, guess what she did? She accepted what I said. Why? Because she was a WW and this just gave her more time to be with the OM. Which also gave my legal case a better footing, because she began spending leass and less time with the kids, and more and more time with the OM. Judges dont look highly on that!!

You are going to have to do the nasty work, all the while trying to meet her ENs. Look, meeting ENs doesnt mean you have to always be nice. If she, for example (my wife tried this), said "I think I will take the kids out to dinner with the OM. To see how they like him." Well, you dont have to just stand there and smile. Instead, you say "WW, that will not happen. Those kids are not to be exposed to this adulterous relationship, nor with this guy. He is not a good influence for the kids and the kids should not be put in that position."

Do you see??? The folks above have given you a lot of things to do. And you need to be doing them ASAP! Her parents and family need a letter outlining the truth. The OM needs to be exposed at work, and to his family. As well, as all of the financial and kid-related things you need to do!

So, get busy. We will be here to guide you. You have made a great start. Now, dont let your wife down by backing off. You are in charge. You call the shots now.

Great post MM!

Thanks everybody. as wake up this morning-I had a rough nite. just when I start feeling confident-panic and sinking feeling set it. I am relaly anxious today with sinking feeling I cannot take. depression is all over. I just wish this would go away so I can get on with MY life to fix ME. I cant do it if I have these attacks. I am so extremely sad today but I know I will put a brave face becuase I have my two kids with my today as teh school is off and do somehting fun with them all day.

I want to send her a text/email asking her to meet me tonight. A freind of our has invited us to visit a new bar he has openend and I would like to invite her as a friend to come and relax but I dont know if I should - she will not come.

just not sure what I am doing

Mortarman--I always appreciate your posts. you are exactly right about the attorney part and that is exactly what I am going to tell the attorney.

as far as finances. they are a mess and I am starting to work on fixing them. that is one of the love buster I have. Also realize that she makes a lot more than I do so she thinks she can control that part of it. But still I am starting to work on getting them under control.

I am confused and not exactly sure about ENs. I have filled the form thinking what she would write and also I am thinking of all the love busters and I want to bring those changes immdediately but it is hard and I dont know how. Is there a method to that? focus is the problem for me right now.

Thanks FH.

This is good...but I am not just talking about making sure the accounts are balanced and the bills are paid. Of course, you need to do that! But, what I am talking about is making sure she does not take family assets to fund her affair or her moving out. Family assets, family persons...stay with the family!!


First off, list what you think are your wife's top ENs here, as well as yours. Also, list what love busters you have been guilty of. Then we can help you approach those.

Get to the doc and get some ADs. They will help!


That is what I did! I delved headlong into the kids. I had activities for them and me everyday. No down time, no wasted time. By the end of the day, I was too exhausted to think about this mess. Plus, all of the time I was spending with the kids got us closer...AND was even more of a reason for a judge to see who was looking out for the kids!!

I am still wondering the question I asked earlier this week. Are you and/or your wife Christians? The reason I ask is that there is help to you if you are...more than you know!


Yes you do. You have a whole list of things to do.

Mortman-we are not practicing religious people. I am spiritual but not church goer at all. I am not sure what she is. did not seem spiritual to me but that could be EN that I did not know about.

beleive me I will take all religious advice. I am reading few books that are spiritual not necessarily religious. I will listen to the word of God

Here is what I wrote last week. Not sure if this classify as ENs and Love busters.

What I did wrong to you (and things that I did not do)

-Criticism all the time.
-Lack of positive feedback
-not showing my love (more often)
-Criticize Criticize Criticize
-Took you for granted
-Took our relationship for granted
-Took our love for granted
-Did not get a clue on how and when things were getting worse
-did I mention constant criticism
-Hurt your feelings all the time
-killed your self esteem
-too much moodiness
-Did not express my issues
-Did not talk to you more often about issues
-Kept things to myself and let them boil over
-Did not respect your wishes
-did not really know your wishes
-Always criticized your ideas
-always made you feel stupid
-always made you feel bad about your self, weight issues
--Was not nice to your family
-Did not pay attention to who you really are while I knew exactly
-Annoying habits (cannot explain quickly, long winded statements, bodily sounds,)
-could not control expenses-rental houses etc.
-anger issues
-discipling the kids

I am sure the list goes on...


My own personal failures causing me who I am
-basic personality flaw
-relationship dealings
-got laid off. took a long time to find a job
-failure of lone star.
-caused mood swings even more
-caused more stress
-caused more financial stress
-never showed worry for it
-strategic thinking was there (maybe) but was not able to bring W worrying down
-The whole situation made me angry and personality more unbearable
-became even more critical

also to my question of me inviting her for tonight--what do you suggest. I know it will be a rejection if I ask

and somebody needs to tell me what is clingy contact vs. non clingy contact with her. ofcource I want to send her an email/text morning and evening but.........

Clingy means hanging all over her and pushing her for affection/attention that she doesn't want to give. Focus on acting in the most pleasant, attractive way you can. How did you behave when you were dating. How did you attract her?

And trying, more important than that, you need to put together your strategy for your next step. You can't just sit there and wait for her to act so you can REACT. You need to have a plan and stick to it. Please go back and read the posts we wrote to you about exposures, finances, etc.

You are the man in charge of the ship now. You must set a course and stick to it, lest you will just rocked by the waves and get nowhere.

Mornin MelodyLane,

so please tell me if I invite her to event tonight-send her (sometimes) text meesages on complements. NO I LOVE YOU or NO NEED you or NO come back to me etc. etc.

as you can tell by now, I am a basket case. this is pathetic.

well, here is the plan so far.

-working on finances all weekend (I do have my kids with me so I dont know how much I can do)

-attorney meeting Monday

-trying to solidify ENs and Lovebuster (see my earlier questions).

-Exposure strategy at his job

-need to understand how I need to communicate with her

-Exposed and discussed with her sister. She diasgrees with my wife course of action but will not get in the middle. she knows the complete siutation and so does mom. My W is a confident woman and her mom just worships her so while she agrees it is bad and will let my wife know--I know that this wont go anywhere.

trying, let me just start by saying you are doing very well given the emotional he11 you are currently living in. I know how you feel right now...all of the BS's here have been through it...just know it will get better and the MB plan will help you recover from this.

This will most likely be the worst time of your life and you will come through it as a better and stronger person.

You are getting advice from some of the very best...the same peolpe who helped me when I was where you currently are. I was a mess and didn't know how I would get through it, but with the help of the fine people here I did get through it and have become a changed person. You will get there to eventually...right now the minutes will seem like hours and days like weeks. It's very important that you take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, excersise and go on AD if necessary. I lost 30 lbs in 6 weeks couldn't sleep and was depressed...now I have regained my weight sleep like a baby and enjoy my life again...you will get there my friend.

As for trying to meet her EN's...well this is a balancing act and what I would suggest is to do the little things. You see your WW can see right through you right now and sending her flowers or over-complimenting her will seem needy to her. Do the little things...and plant the seeds that you are changing. It will take time for these seeds to grow so be patient.

Your WW will not be receptive to any of your attempts at filling her $LB as long as the OM is in the picture and that is why he needs to be removed from her life. The best way to do this is expose the A which will accelerate its eventual death.

One thing that inspired me to expose the A was the thought of OM being introduced into the lives of everyone including my kids as a "new" friend to WW.

hang in there...

Trying,
I agree with HTW. I'd suggest doing "drive-by's"...small comments or actions that show affection or admiration but leave no opportunity for her to comment or reciprocate.

Initially you will do much better with these because you will have no expectations of your WW and will therefore not be disappointed. Right now, any kindness, admiration, attention whatever any man wants from his wife, will not be coming from your WW. Game plan for that and you will not ecperience any disappointment in her actions. Plus you want your actions to appear to not have that much planning to them...she'll accuse you of trying to manipulate her. Lastly, you are going to be expending a tremendous amount of energy over the nect few weeks or months. Conserve your energy and invest it where you will get maximum dividends, namely yourself. don;t waste a lot of energy on the WW right now, just little kindnesses, compliments or rarely affections, then RUN AWAY befor she can react.

thanks Hopethis works and GameFace,
I understand. It is tough on what not to say or tell her. I am really not communicating that much. Just sent her a note yesterday as she was going dancing a little flirteir text. no I love you miss you wish you were here at all.
now today I want to invite her to this bar that a friend of ours has opened and am contemplating sending her an email on this. dont want to come around clingy either but a matter of fact invite. almost 99.99% sure she will say she has plans. so not sure if I should invite her