Here is my suggestion on what you should do...

Do not invite your WW out tonight as she will surely decline you at this point just as mine did. It will only make you feel worse and reinforce your neediness to her.

Instead let her know about this new bar and that you may be going. Tell her "maybe I'll see you there". Then dress and smell well...and try to have a great time with your frineds.

You see that way you are inviting her without seeming needy.

This will help you take your mind off your situation and help in the process of rebuilding your self-esteem. Buy some new clothes, get a hair cut, buy new cologne and even new boxers or briefs. It will make you feel better and that will noticed by others.

You want to become attractive to your WW and by that I don't mean just physcally but emotionally. Confidence, control and strength are attractive qualities, but unfortunately we loose this when we become BS's. You will need to slowly regain these to become the person your WW originally fell in love with.

This is all part of Plan A.

Remember...TIME & PATIENCE.

Thanks HTW,

you are right the key is TIME & PATIENCE. easier said than done. It is tough. Patience is so hard.
in all honesty I dont even want to go but I will make a point to go there tonight.
yep I got some new clothes, going again shortly to get some more. changed my look a little bit. but still having a tough time with ENs and LBs.

I know this is the time to work on me. but I am anxious all the time and that is making it difficult for me to think and act sanely. I wanted to get some meds today but it is a holiday here. no docs are in. I have kids with me so I dont think I want to go to an emergency room of an hospital to get antu-anxiety pills. maybe will got o the drug store to find over the counter stuff to calm me down a little.

just the anticipation of tomorrow/future is killing me.

HTW has it exactly right. That is how you deal with your wife right now. Dont ask...just do!!

Remember, as of now, you set the agenda for your marriage and family. Not your wife. As long as she is a WW, she has no say in the matter. Thus, if you want the family to go out to dinner...the family is going out to dinner. You make her aware that the family is going out to dinner. And then you go. If she comes, then great...because she is a part of the family. If she doesnt, then great also...because the family must continue and so must you. Added to that, it aint much fun sitting on the outside as your family moves on. Your WW will soon realize that!!

sir yes sir MM :-)
but this [censored] her has weak knees and it is amazing how arrogant I use to be before this.

I posted a lisy og things that I did wrong.--looking at some guidance on how to work on those as part of ENs and LBs

On time and patience...let me help you a little. If you were stranded on an island, and some people had flown by and dropped leaflets saying help will be there as soon as it can, what would you do with your time? Would you worry after a day that they had forgotten you? After two days, would you still be just sitting on the beach, and waiting without eating or resting...watching for the recue boat?

What if the flyers said it would take a month for the rescue boat to get there? What would you do then?

You see, your situation is not going to heal overnight. This will all take months to run its course. Not hours. So, knowing that...knowing your "rescue" will not come for months...does it help to sit here and worry that it hasnt happened yet? Believe me, I am not callously saying this...I have been where you are. But the sooner you get the idea that this is a marathon and not a sprint, the more realistic your expectations will be.

And the less your anxiety will be.

So be arrogant again!! I'm not saying do so in a bad sort of way. I am talking about walking around like you have all of the answers (even though you may not). I'm talking about faking it until you make it. I'm talking about lying to yourself and making yourself believe all of the good stuff about you and none of the bad. A quiet confidence born out of sheer will.


We need to start with your wife's ENs. What are they?

trying, I can relate to EVERYTHING you have just stated and I wish I had some magic pill I could give you that would make this all disappear or speed up. I felt the same way only a short 18 months ago and now I'm much, much better.

Listen, you are currently in Plan A, however when Plan A doesn't work in ending the A you will have to prepare for Plan B. This is where you regain 100% control of your life and it will be you who makes the final decision if you want your WW back. I just want to throw it out there because Plan A is intended to fix the things you did wrong and display these changes to your WW. Then you shut it down in Plan B and remove yourself from the fray. That is when the real healing and personal recovery occurs.

Don't try to look to long term right now...just go day to day and try and get through this next several weeks.

Keep your DD in mind when you think of doing dumb things as that is never the way to go.

Look...Bob Pure crashed his sports car into a tree when he was where you are...and walked away. Now he has recovered his M and his wife loves him more than ever. You don't know what the future holds so stay positive as it will get better because you are suffering through life's worst right now.

Trying,

I would love to help you here...but I also do not want to force anything upon you. I want you to understand that because of my relationship with God, I was able to go 4 years through this mess in order to save my wife and marriage. Not in my strength. If it had been up to me, I would have quit long ago. But the strength and assurance that He gives me.

If you are willing to look into this, then I would love to talk about this with you. Because, at the end of the day...I was able to lean on the prmoises God gave me. And He came thru completely. And knowing that my wife was not running from me...but running from Him...made it a whole lot easier for me because I knew He had the power to reach her and turn her back.

So, let me know...and we can begin.

HTW is correct! While this is a longterm battle...you are stuck on the island right now. So, just worry about shelter, eating, etc. All the things you can deal with right now. And let the longterm stuff take care of itself!

The following was the things I did wrong (I wrote in her context) so these are her ENs. She needs love, understanding, passion and fun

-Criticism all the time.
-Lack of positive feedback
-not showing my love (more often)
-Criticize Criticize Criticize
-Took you for granted
-Took our relationship for granted
-Took our love for granted
-Did not get a clue on how and when things were getting worse
-did I mention constant criticism
-Hurt your feelings all the time
-killed your self esteem
-too much moodiness
-Did not express my issues
-Did not talk to you more often about issues
-Kept things to myself and let them boil over
-Did not respect your wishes
-did not really know your wishes
-Always criticized your ideas
-always made you feel stupid
-always made you feel bad about your self, weight issues
--Was not nice to your family
-Did not pay attention to who you really are while I knew exactly
-Annoying habits (cannot explain quickly, long winded statements, bodily sounds,)
-could not control expenses-rental houses etc.
-anger issues
-discipling the kids

Trying,

These are not her ENs! These are a list of things you did wrong!

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley? Do you know what the most important emotional needs are? Have you taken the questionaire on this website? Has your wife? If she doesnt want to do it, have you attempted to take it for her to see if you can discern what her most important emotional needs are?

trying the items you listed are lovebusters (LB) and you should work at stopping these actions. I did the same things so don't beat yourself over it and you didn't know the dynamics before you came here.

MM is asking what her most important EN's are as listed by Dr. Harely.

I sounds like Affection, Financial Support and Family Commitment may be some of her top EN's from some of the things you have stated. Another top EN for women is Conversation and Honesty and Openess.

Try and think of what made her most happy and when.

Trying,

You need to purchase "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair." Both of those books by Dr. Harley will get you going. You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Go to your local book store and buy these TODAY. And get reading!!

Here is the link on this site for a basic discussion of ENs: Emotional Needs. Read all of the Basic Concepts to the left of this article also.

I have bought Surviving an affiar. she wont do the questionnaire and I will do that for her. I am reveining ENs on MBs and will list those shortly.

This is what I identify her top needs.

-REcreational Companionship
-Financial support
-Admiration
-Conversation

This is work in progress by the way. so with that how I start

Trying,
Get LoveBusters by Harley as well and His Needs Her Needs. Read Lovebusters 1st though. You cannot fill her tank if you are lovebusting, so 1st thing to do is understand what those are and recognize them in yourself and figure out how to break those habits.

A lot of LBing you are doing, you won;t even realize is bad, you think you are doing good (DJ's).

trying, the best you can do right now is to avoid lovebusters, strive to kill her affair, defend your family from her destruction and look for opportunities to meet her needs. She won't allow you to do much of that, though, because she is in an affair. That is why most of your focus needs to be on busting up her affair. You won't get too far as long as that is continuing. So, it should be your priority to cause as much conflict as possible in her affair.

I guess I dont understand when you say

"A lot of LBing you are doing, you won;t even realize is bad, you think you are doing good (DJ's)."

does that mean I am unconciously maybe doing wrong things right now or just to be carewful about that in future

wb ML,
the only busting now left on the affair part is exposing at his job. will decide that course of action after Tuesday (attorney meeting--some legalities in this case as this can be ahigh profile case and I dont want my behind in trouble-)
but I am committed to do that once I have the clear.

working hard on lovebusters-as you all know that takes time-I cant change overtime and she wont see the change overnight either so love busters-yes. working everyday. just not have a clear methodology on how to do other than that just conciously looking and avoiding them. wish there was a process. (please look at my LBs in my earlier post) and comment.

Okay...this is good! Now ,if you understand ENs and the love bank, then you understand that you must meet the top 5 most of the time and the top three all of the time. And in the way she needs them met.

Recreational companionship will be hard right now. But, you need to list here all of the things she likes to do. In this way, you will know what things maybe to try to get her to go do. Let's say, for example, that she loves tennis. So, you begin taking tennis lessons. You dont beg her to go play...you just begin taking lessons. Then, periodically, you let slip out something like "still trying to get my backhand to work correctly. I still have a little trouble with it. But I'll keep working on it." Something like that. She will hear that and think "What? I never could get him to go play tennis with me...now he is taking lessons? Gee, sounds like he is having fun. I wish he would have had that kind of fun with me!" Then she will pressure the OM to go play tennis with her. But guess what? The OM cant possibly meet all of her needs...he is incapable. So, let's say he doesnt like tennis, or doesnt have time, or whatever. Well, now there is a major conflict in that relationship. Here is the "love of her life" who wont play tennis with her...and there is satan incarnate (thanks ML) who is taking up tennis lessons and having fun. And she will love bust her OM all over the place!!!

On financial support...you CAN do something about this!! First, do as everyone suggested and get the accounts protected. Second, get the finances in order. Just the fact that you are getting them in order will send huge signals to your wife. Next, see if you can get a promotion or new job. Something with more money. Even if it is a little more, your wife will notice and see you making positive improvements on the financial front. My wife had financial security high on her list too, and was a major contributing factor to the affair. So, get busy on this!! It will pay huge dividends, not only with your wife, but also with you...because the financial pressures will be less. Which will lessen your anxiety!!

Admiration. This too can be done now. But dont make it sappy or clingy! Make it sincere. If you do it too much, then it wont seem sincere. When you see her, dont say "wow...you look great...the most beautiful woman on the planet!" Blech! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Instead, you state "hey...just wanted to tell you that I noticed how good you are looking today." And then DONT wait for a response! Just say it, and move on to whatever you are/were doing. And dont make it about her looks all the time either! Using the tennis example above, you could say "man...I am still having problems with my backhand. The instructor says I am just not getting into the right arm slot. You know...the times I saw you play...I noticed you had a great backhand. How do you do it?" That example accomplished two things: you are doing the recreational thing I listed above AND taking care of admiration!!

Conversation will be rough also...but doable. I mean rough because you will want to talk about your relationship, about the OM. You will want to educate her. While saying what you need to say about all of this is important. it is very important you converse with her about what she wants to talk about. You need to listen...active listen. The best way to do that is to ask questions. Example?

She states "well, I used to do this particular drill all the time that helped my backhand."
And you respond "really? So doing that drill will help me?"
And her: "Yep. There was a time when my backhand stunk also. Then Mr. Shmedlack showed me in high school that drill. And it worked!"
And your response: "And you told me that the next year, you won the state title, didnt you?"
And so on!

Do you see how that works? You conversing with her...showing her that you are interested in what she has to say is VERY important!

Now, what if she says something you dont agree with? Or is unpleasant. Here's an example:
Mrs. Trying: "OM is the love of my life."
Trying: "You believe OM is the love of your life?"
Mrs. Trying: "Oh yes. He is so sweet, he finishes my every word, he loves what I love." Blech! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Trying: "So he likes the things you love. What kinds of things?"
Mrs. Trying: "He loves to do blah, and blah, and blah."
Trying: "Hmmmm. That's interesting. So, when you are blahing, is there a certain way that you suggest doing it? I tried it once and I had trouble maintaining my blahness."
Mrs. Trying: "Funny you ask...I have a book called "Finding Your Internal Blah." I can let you borrow it if you want."
Trying: "That would be great! Maybe you can bring it by Friday when you come by to see the kids."

And so on. Do you see? There is an art to this, Trying! It will take a little getting used to. You will need to plan out these interactions ahead of time until you get used to doing this.