What is unique??? Why in the world, after everything you have read here and have learned, would you say this? You are not unique! Your wife is not unique! Your situation is not unique. We understand your situation. And if you notice, we havent changed our minds. ML has posted to you a ton of times here, as well as other vets...and said the same exact thing everytime! Why? BECAUSE YOUR SITUATION IS NOT UNIQUE!

All WSs say this. So predictable!


Stop it, Trying! If you had done the exposure like you should have already done, then you could be having these conversations with your WW. But instead, you are still playing games, still hiding.

In the Army, we called it "leaning forward in the foxhole." That meant as the fire fight got worse, you didnt duck down in the bottom of your foxhole and cower. Instead, you just leaned forward in the foxhole and put a world of hurt on the enemies down range that were attempting to destroy you.

Get out of the bottom of your foxhole. Grab your weapon (exposure) and fire! You have others next to you (your kids) that are counting on you. There are folks down range trying to destroy you, your kids and your wife. No one, I mean NO ONE, can protect them now except YOU!

Get in the fight!

Ok. I get it. fear, reservation, weak mind is a terrible thing. I am working on it. tool a lot courage to tell her what I feel about separation and divorce few days back. that was a 180 degree flip so please understand that I am getting there. I will stop giving explanations. I was kist making sure that some of these small little things dont require a different strategy. that is all.

so having said that. it will be an interesting weekend. I will be confident, casual , friendly, as a matter of fact, not whiny, needy or pushy. If she tries to engage in separation or divorce talk I will jsut tell her that I am not interested in those but I cant stop her either the only thing I can do is to work on saving this marriage and "we" can save this marriage. and thats all no more discussions. will not help her with her move to the apartment. will not be mean or condescending and supportive but not a doormat

will try to engage in conversation about her hobby work and other interests. will ask her to go the couples party with me with no hangups and issues. will come across happy and confident.

how am I doing so far with this plan? looks good?

Thank God! I hope you will listen to him.

This is all good Plan A stuff. But of course, somewhat irrelvent until exposure happens. But, yes...this is the way you should be around her!

Mortman-no no--- the exposure is coming. I have it somehwat planned, been planning it for a day or so. will start implementing it next week so dont get me wrong I am all aboard with that (after a lot of slapping around my you, ML, Bob, CC, pepper, and others.)

I was just not sure that before I expose OM at his job (HR etc) should I tell my wife that I know who he is that is all.

I am fighting (or at least started to fight). I have to win battles but I am not leaving my trenches and I will protect my family and my marriage.

feels like I am in a soap opera

thank God Mortarman is here! MM, thanks for smacking him around a bit, he was wearing me down!

trying, GET THE OM's parents data! Get to work on that. They need to know he is carrying on with a married woman and is contributing to the ruination of your childrens family.

I have a tendency to wear people down :-)
ok she is back and since the kids are around I did not engage in outright thesis but did ask her where she was and who with. She told me where and she was friends. when I asked who she said friends. Kids were all over her so left it at that. She is here now arranging for chores around the house, unpacking and also planning to go to groecery store. We have a party at 4 pm and then after that there is n invite for us to go somewhere are couple. I hinted at that and I dont think she is interested but should I ask her if she is interested in going. probably not worth it. I will have to go and she will be with kids tonight. I think in her mind she is taking care of the kids tonight as I am leaving and that will be a shock to her system soon.

****** I am so anxious and just want to engage her in a conversation about nohting. we briefly talked about country dancing that she went and then about the job situation so we talked about stuff vry briefly. but she does not stay around me. she walks off and find the kids to be there. Also since it is easter she is making baskets fgor egg hunt etc. I think I need to take a deep breath and let it go. dissassociate and not let my emotions go and not worrying about talking to her.

this is tough. she is here and I am just crumbling to talk to her about anything. looking for an excuse. anticipating and while she is on a different planet. This is freaking tough.

I know I have to be confident and dont worry about her. detachment-is the word what BobPure used. how do I detach? so many thoughts.

also should I give her some books to read not push to her but vaguely suggest on why divorce is a good idea

Don't try to educate her at all. Would you try and educate a falling down drunk? No. With a falling down drunk you firmly outline the boundary lines.

Does she understand that you won't be going anywhere and will no longer participate in her seperation scheme?

Did you mean: "vaguely suggest on why divorce is a NOT good idea ?"

I would not "vaguely suggest" that, but if she BRINGS IT UP tell her - IN NOT SO VAGUE TERMS - it is not a good idea and will be devastating to your kids. And that you won't be cooperating in any divorce schemes. This is not the time for "vagueness," but for FORTHRIGHTNESS.

I agree. I will be forthright about it that divorce is not the answer.

she does not understand that I am not going anywhere. it will be a shock to her system tonight.

ok bad idea on education (see I am learning) yet probably your toughest assignment)

small chit chat going on and nothing. getting ready of easter.

GOOD MAN! Be strong, you are doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish I was doing great. I am doing horrible. watchin movie with my daughter while on my laptop whiule she is in the kitched stuffing eggs for easter. she definitely is avoiding any face time.

also do you think it is a good idea to go these events together. A couple friend of mine called and invited me to easter dinner saying that I might not want to go the easter dinner where the whole family is invited. I guess they are thinking it is probably not a good idea for me to be aroung my wife too much

It is a good idea for you to go with your wife to these events, however, that situation may change quickly when you tell her you are not leaving. I would suggest going in there and telling her NOW that you have thought about it and have decided it won't be a good idea for you to leave your home so you won't be participating in that plan. You plan on staying and sleeping in your bed every night. If she wants to seperate then she should be the one to leave. without the kids, of course.

I will tell her that the first chance I get which might be after this afternoon's event. she is in the mood to get ready for that. then I am supposed to meet my freinds for few hours tonight (I dropped the idea of inviting her to that--or should I invite her see if she comes). In any case I will be gone and be back later at night

Cuz they are right! Don't argue, plead or reason with the damn alien. It's like playing yo-yo with a concrete block.

Listen trying, you have two of the very best here in Melody and Mortarman giving you advice. Do what they are telling you! You are thinking with your heart instead of your head. You are driven by fear. They are the objective third party with a bird's eye perspective of something they have seen MANY times before. You have an army of folks here that outnumber your alien many times over. Expose, expose, expose. It's the most powerful weapon you have. Moreso, it's one of few. Often, you will find that the plans involve very little with doing things directed at or for your little wayward. Would you pass up on doing one of the few things you CAN actually do about this situation? Get ready for the rest of the ride, it will be a lot of the same. You'll be doing alot of things for yourself, and not much you can do will affect her or the outcome of this A except exposing.

Avoid talking about the M or your R. Don't talk about the A or OM until you are in a position of personal strength. Waywards may be dumb, but they can smell blood a mile away and they will sense your weakness/neediness no matter how well you conceal it.

"I don't talk divorce. Attorneys talk divorce. They are the only ones who win in divorces." Period. Nothing more on the matter.

"I talk marriage, not divorce." That's another line to throw out there. If she is not talking marriage substantively, then there is no use in you trying to.
You don't want a spouse who shows you love, you want one who WANTS to show you love. She doesn't want to right now, and reasoning/arguing with her will only strengthen her resolve.

I'm all about the subtle, but truthful, appearance of "Wow, you are nutso right now. Whatever, wayward. Your choices are your own. You have as much a right to them as I do to my own choices. I just don't agree with the path you are on for our marriage and family. You do what you think is right, I will do the same."

Take joy in your kid(s) and yourself right now. The ship is in a bad storm right now, waywards always want to talk divorce and separation. Why? It makes them feel better about their poor choices. You won't engage in that cr*p because you don't concur with her. You are entitled to your feelings, they are your property. Leave her property to her and she will regain respect for you.

Weakness and fear are like pushing the wayward out the door. Strength and confidence wins the war, no matter what happens.

Hoah Mortarman!

Jay

Trying, instead of going out with your friends I would have that talk with her and get this straightened out before she gets settled in. She is under the misimpression that you are leaving and I would suggest getting that ironed out at the earliest opportunity.

Agree, agree, agree.



Concur wholeheartedly.

You get the picture. If anything, "I'm trying to understand why you would want to leave, I certainly can't stop you. But if you want to leave, that's your choice." She can leave the marital home, and leave the marital property and kids home where they belong.