All my plans are destroyed. I am focussing way too much on her and cant keep my sanity., she even said that I need to stop focussing on what she is doing and need to start focussing on myself.

I am lost I am through. I dont like myself today at all. I cannot understand who that person was last night that I represented. I have no idea, no memory of it. I had ablan state of mind with no agenda--other than to make her miserable

Did you leave your house? Where are you?

Do you take xanax every day?

trying, please don't be too hard on yourself as you are already comprimised emotionally with your WW A. Mixing excessive AD's with alcohol is a volitile mix and now you know. If you just started taking the AD they might take awhile before their effects start to kick in.

I sense you want everyting to be fixed instantly and unfortunately that cannot happen. Slow down my friend and try spending some quality time with your kids as this really helped me when I was where you are.

Listen, we all are not perfect and just by you being here seeking advice to save your M tells me you are a good man. Look at it this way...you are currently suffering the worst life has to throw at you...it will get better...try to hang in there.

just starting taking Xanax two days ago. never took drugs in my life.

I left my house-yes-at friends place. My mind is not in the right place and I need to just calm down and get away even it is for few days.

I just gave her all the power back with a lot of material that can actually hurt me in actual divorce.

IS is it hopeless now?

Can you give us some details?

Have to go out now...I'll touch back later.

fought with her in front of kids and then her sister took her to her apartment, I came after knocking on the door to talk, scared my daughter. Daddy is crazy. I cannot beleive it what I did--how stupid I can be. left my sleeping son in my house to go after them. Just rudiciolous stuff. unveleivable stuff. finally got into my senses and slept with my son and here I am this morning with everything gone for sure.

I am to blame for this and nobody else. you guys tried to help me but I did'nt take the help

It is if you sit there and feel sorry for yourself. But if you go home and do what we told you to do, which is sit her down and have a honest heart to heart, it is not. This is all going to come out one way or another, and by avoiding talking to her, as you have been, it comes out in a sick way when you are loaded. By avoiding conflict, as you did yesterday, you caused more conflict.

I am concerned that she may be able to BAR you legally from your own home now. I hope that is not the case.

But if I were you, I would go home now and sit down and have a talk with her. MAN TO MAN. FACE TO FACE.

Tell her you are sorry you exploded last night and it won't happen again. But, you are not leaving to go anywhere. You are there to work on your marriage and will not be going. You will sleep in your bed every night. You hope she joins you, but if she doesn't, you will be sad, but you can't control her.

You will not participate in any seperation or divorce schemes. You know that she has left to pursue an adulterous affair and you cannot condone that. This affair is very disrespectful to you and your kids and you would hope that she would end it and come home so you can work on your marriage.

Lay it out for her and tell her you will only work on the marriage, not on a seperation or a divorce.

Stop taking xanax, it is very addictive and will only make you MEAN. You need your wits about you now more than ever.

Well put. That's exactly what you need to do.

Stay away from mixing alcohol with your ADs, eh? You need a clear head for the road ahead of you.

ML-too late for that today. I am a total mess and I need to settle myself down first.

I am sure she can bar me from my house but dont know how--I mean I did not move out-I just told her that I need to go and be at peace for few days.

After that I may be able to start back up again with the strategy which by the way looks hopeless.

yes I am not going to take Xanax any more. The combo was deadly and it messed me up compleltey. A couple freind of mine have invited me to the easter dinner that I will be going myself and just trying to relax and talk to my friends.

I need few days to sort things out. Again, I did not move out. just took pair of clothing and left.

Why are you waiting to do anything?

Help me understand what happened last night. Did you come home from your friends [half lit apparently] and THEN tell her you weren't leaving and she exploded, just as I told you she would?

Trying,

Let me let you in on a well known secret on here...Mortarman got arrested for domestic abuse two weeks after my wife moved out of our home (August 2002). I wont go into the whole story...but suffice it to say that I was out of control at the time, and the whole incident happened in front of the kids.

Did I lose custody? No. Are my wife and I divorced now? No.

What I had to learn very quickly (with the help of the folks here and from Steve Harley) was I had best get a handle on my fears. And you still do not have a handle on yours.

Being scared is fine. There are no heros out there that arent scared. The reason they became heros is because they learned how to overcome fear, not get rid of it. To ignore fear, rather than deal with it. And once you have begun to move on, each steps lessens the fear. Each success builds confidence.

My advice to you...besides what these good folks have said to you about exposure, etc. is to get involved in something you can succeed at. Something that is measurable. Let's take bowling, for an example. Maybe you begin bowling once a week. You go in, get some lessons (if you dont bowl right now) and begin working on form, mechanics, technique. You keep a notebook to keep track of your scores. You chart your progress.

Now, this sounds a little anal, doesnt it? But, I am not suggesting you do this under normal circumstances. I am suggesting it now because you need some success in your life. You need some good things to happen. So, as you begin to increase your score, you will begin to feel better about yourself. "Finally, something is going right for me." It will build confidence.

Your foggy wife was right about one thing...you had better start concentrating on you, and less on her!!

I hope what happened this weekend scared the he!! out of you! I hope that it has woken you up to what is going on here. You do not have the right to let fear paralyze you! You cannot afford that, because you have those two kids...plus your wife...that are depending on you to do this right. They cannot afford two insane parents (your wife being the first one).

My man...you need to look those two kids in the eyes and understand what is at stake here. Their entire future, whow they will be, what their relationships will be like...all depend on what you do right now!

Yeah, it sucks! Your wife has gone batty and she has made this huge mess, and you have to be the one to save the day. Well, I'm sorry to say...but you are the man in that family. You were given the headship of that family by God Himself. You are responsible for what happens to that family...NOT your wife!!!

So, no more alcohol for you. You need to set up boundaries for yourself for awhile. No alcohol. No talking with women alone, or about anything else other than work related stuff. Otherwise, you will soon fall into your own affair...or at the very least, another woman will help you give up on your marriage.

Other boundaries for yourself are that you have a set schedule. You go to sleep at the same time everyday (even weekends). You wake up at the same time. You force yourself to eat three squares a day. You set a schedule that gives you very little down time, and very little alone time.

You lie to yourself! You tell yourself that you are doing okay, that everything is on track. That everything is working out well.

I also asked a question of you last week concerning whether you wanted to find out more about what I was talking about when we were posting about God. Even with all that I stated above, it wasnt until I leaned on Him and let Him take over (my sign off on here was always "In His Arms"), that the anxiety left and I was truly in the fight.

God told me when I was first finding out about my wife's adultery, to do three things. He repeated those three things over and over during the next three years of He!! that my wife put us all through. Here is what He said:

1. Forget about Mrs. Mortarman
2. Get back to my first love (Jesus)
3. Die for Mrs. Mortarman

The first two were rather simple (not easy!!) and I began concetrating on my relationship with Jesus, which lessened my concentration on Mrs. MM. But, it took me while to understand fully what #3 meant.

If you read the link at the bottom of my post here, you will get God's design for marriage. But the basics of it are that women are commanded to respect their husbands...and husbands are commanded to love their wives. The kind of love it is talking about is a sacrificial love. One which loves, not because of who your wife is...but because of who you are. One that is willing to die for her. I am not necessarily talking about throwing yourself in front of a bullet to save her.

I am talking about the fact that you are willing to give up your fear, your wants, your desires, your future in order to do what is right for your wife...and your kids.

As Just Learning keeps saying on here...love is a verb! It is not what you feel, it is what you do!

You have so much power at your disposal right now, Trying. You have no idea! Through that sacrificial love is where your wife will exit the fog. And so far, you have been denying her that. Right now, she has no exit. She is lost. She has no hope. Where is her lighthouse? Where is her knight?

Right now, he is cowering in the bottom of his foxhole and letting the waves toss him around. He is a dingy in the middle of the ocean.

But that is NOT who you are...that is NOT what God called you to be. He has given you command. And with command, He has given you power that you do not know about or dont fully understand.

He has also offered His power in this mess. But, in order to tap into that, you would have to know Him.

I am not here to preach to you, Trying! But there is a reason most of the vets have flocked to your thread. It is because there is hope here. We wouldnt waste our time on a sinking ship. But we cant do any of this for you. All we can do is help watch over you.

Again, if you want to discuss what God is calling you to do, then I am here. And so are many others. He really is trying to get your attention. This situation is NOT about your wife. It is about YOU!! And what kind of man you will be on the other side of this valley.

Oh, by the way...I never let a "Hooah" go unanswered.

Hooah, JayBan!

One more thing, Trying. Read this again...


Where in there do you read anything about what Mrs. Mortarman was doing? Do you see any reference to what she should be doing, or what I could do in response to her?

Nope! What you see is three commands that were directed at me! That were 100% mine. That did not require input or help from anyone else.

This is about you, Trying. This whole sordid mess is about you. Steel is strengthened by fire. This whole thing is about what sort of man you will become.

Whether or not your wife returns is not your concern. All you can do is what you can do. But, what sort of man your kids' father becomes, what sort of husband you become (to your current wife or to one in the future should you divorce) all depends on what you do now.

Not attempting a threadjack here, but...

MortarMan...that was just a terrific and inspirational post. I've had the benefit of other vets here posting to my situation, and I will tell you Trying, that these people do know what they are talking about. had I not been so fortunate to have found this site when I did, I know that my situation would be much further down the path than it already is to total devastation. That still may be the path that it DOES go down. However, there is a distict difference in my attitude toward it with the help of the folks here on this board. I know that I have choices. My choice is to preserve my family. I cannot worry about what my W's next move will be, what I can worry about is my next move. While I don't know what is to come next, I DO know that I will be on the other side of this KNOWING that I have done EVERYTHING that I can to be a better husband and father.

About a week ago, I set up an appointment to speak with Jennifer H. The orginal plan was to have her speak to both my W and I. Well...on Thursday before the appointment, my W told me she wanted to work on things. The following day she brought home dissolution papers saying she was 100% sure that she wanted a D. I still kept the appt. with Jennifer although my W did not participate in it. Out of everything that Jennifer and I discussed, there was one thing that really stuck with me. Know what that was? Jennifer told me that above all else, REMEMBER, this is your plan..not hers. That really stuck with me. And guess what? She was right. Taking away my W's power in this situation and gaining control of what I'm doing has helped tremendously.

Hi trying, just checking in to see how you are doing. Let us know my friend.

Hey trying,

I'm sorry to hear how things went... but please realize that you're not the first BH to blow up this way. You have not ruined everything, no matter how bleak it seems.

I hope you are keeping your appointment with Steve today.

Hang in there, buddy.

Alright Trying...minor 2x4 coming your way.


Here's the deal. You came here to ask for assistance in helping to deal with your wife's infidelity. You came looking for a hope to rebuild your marriage. That's AWESOME.

But...2x4 coming...when are you going to QUIT with plan "Trying"...and start taking the advice of those here trying to help you? Most of us have been on this site for years, all of us have been through one side or the other of the same situation you're in. And up to this point, you've spent 20 PAGES of thread IGNORING all the advice you've been given!

There is NO plan A at all in your actions up to this point. No exposure, no self-improvements, no end to the lovebusters.

You want to recover your marriage??? STEP UP, and start working the plans that we all know works!!! STOP plan "Trying"...all you're doing is digging yourself deeper!

You've read about plan A. You've been given a TON of great advice, by some of the 'old vets' here...so bluntly, get your head on right and start working to SAVE your marriage.

2x4 done...at this point, it's up to you to decide what you want to do here. Either take charge of yourself and DO what you need to do, or not.