Can anyone share with me how long it took from the from discovery to recovery. It is going on 1 year for me(11/1) and it still looks like the affair isn't going to end for my H. I'm looking for some glimmer in the horizon or it this too long? I know that in SAA, it took the one couple 2 years, but I don't know how he did it; I would love to speak with them. Thanks.<P>And what about that thread a few days ago on jealousy. H has been out of the house since 11/98 and he filed for divorce 6/99; I'm trying to stall it and he doesn't seem to be pushing the D. H has done nothing since filing 4 mos ago. I don't know how I could raise some suspicion in him to wonder if there is someone else interested in me. I sometimes think he feels very safe knowing my rountine and that I am "stuck" home with a 3 year old and a 6 mos old(I don't work).<p>[This message has been edited by jackie (edited October 07, 1999).]

Jackie - not there yet. I remember a lot of people with a lot of different times, though. Check w/ Fighter and Sir HurtsaLot, too. They've been around a while.<P>Wish I could be more help.<P>Lori

Hi jackie, <P>I'm not through recovery but I can offer my timeline. <P>Sep 98 - wife met OM.<BR>Dec 98 - W told me she no longer loved me, and a bunch of other crushing comments. Don't want to go there. I did every possible wrong thing after she dumped on me.<BR>Feb 99 - Find out W was involved with OM. Developed plan to win wife back by first being her friend.<BR>Jun 99 - Found this website <BR>Jun 99 - Relationship between wife and OM reaches its zenith - absolutely crushes me.<BR>Jul 99 - Confronted wife, she admits to the affair, and promises to end it.<BR>Sep 99 - Wife contacts OM to be "just friends", states she has no desire to have any physical involvement with him but misses him as a friend.<BR>now - wife just can't seem to let go. withdrawal is awful of both of us. She has tremendous mood swings - it's just really hard right now. I suspect I am probably on the 2 year plan. The emotional bond is so tough to break. Makes me wonder why it wasn't so hard to break with me.<P>BTW, if you have a 3yr and a 6 mth old at home - YOU WORK!!! <P>Best wishes to you jackie. I'll be praying for you too.<P>SHA

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.<P>SHA: I believe I found out about H's affair in the 1st 2-3 mos of it and I confronted him right away--he left the night I confronted him. H did come back 3/99 for an attempted reconciliation about 3 weeks before our baby was born(btw-he is the spitting image of H). The day I came home from the hospital, I found a picture of H & OW in his suit pocket that he left at the house(he never did move back home, but he stayed with our older boy while I was in the hospital). Well, I confronted him about that too and again it was all over. H just seems to run whenever he's confronted. Sounds like an avoidant personality to me, don't you think?! H filed for D 2 weeks after I sent him the plan b letter, but I have now switched gears to plan a per Steve Harley. Do you have any comments on the jealousy issue? My friends and family think it would work, but I'm not so sure. I don't even know how to be mysterious because I am one of those people who have a hard time lying and I'm not even sure I know how to be mysterious.<p>[This message has been edited by jackie (edited October 07, 1999).]

July 4th weekend - Affair started and discovered<BR>August 7th - I ended it by confronting the OM<P>I was not going to have my wife running around with another man while I sat around babysitting our 2 kids. I followed them places, made sure they couldn't see each other without me knowing about it. Luckily for me the OM scared easily and my W really loved me. When I first found out I was in shock and acted like a doormat, the next week or so later I woke up and decided I was going to fight for my wife and my life. I think my fighting made her realize just what she had and what the OM was really made of ... cra*. Just my story, but it sure felt good to stand up for what was right. I think I was lucky.

Let me add to that. I took a big chance by fighting. I realize now that I could have pushed her away just as easily as I won her back. My fear was that if I let this continue until the affair died of natural causes, the damage would be too severe to recover. It's still tough even though it ended so soon, but I take some pride in launching that battle and actaully winning. I took a gamble and won the ultimate prize, my family. The stakes were high.

Jackie,<BR>YOU DO WORK!! You are raising two small children, the hardest and most important job there is!!<BR>This must make everything more difficult for you, doing it alone. I hope he wakes up and realize what he is missing.<BR>I wish I had something to say that would help. I wish you the best.<BR>patty

jackie - How awful . You're at the hospital having his baby and he off with the OM? Horrible.<P>I'm guessingh the perhaps your H is a little like my W. I believe that if I confronted too early, my W would have left too. She really didn't have many good things to say about me. I second the Plan A idea. I was able to get back into my wife's life by being a friend to her. Lots and lots of conversation (her need). After a few months, I was able to implement lots of non-sexual touch (another big need for her). It took a long time to be a friend again. And its going to take a long time to heal from this too.<P>I wouldn't try to make him jealous. It's manipulative and usually back fires. Jackie, you caught his eye several years ago. What was it that got him interested in you? You can certainly be mysterious in many ways by being yourslf, but without hanging your heart on your sleve. Do things that you don't usually do. Start a work out routine if you don't have one. Look your best when you see him. You know what turns his crank better than we do. <P>If he isn't pushing the divorce, that's great. Hang on!<P>SHA

Jackie, discovery was a year ago. Recovery stated three months later. She has not seen the OM since then. Working on it slowly. She wants me just to forget about it and I'm still very angry about the way she completly destroyed everything we worked for. Not out of the woods yet. Coming to the forum after the start of recovery does sometimes have a negative impact because of all of the reminders.

H met OW in July 98. The affair started in August 98. Went on until discovery in February 99. He broke it off with her the next day and hasn't talked to or seen her since (I believe him). Eight months later, we are in a place I never thought we would be again, MARRIAGE HEAVEN!! He is so sweet and attentive now, it's like he's a different man.

I am now over a year since discovery. The affair has been going on for around 17 months. I was in Plan A for around 8 months and then in Plan B while my H moved out for the second time. He has now moved out again for the third time. Still tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but is not ready to give up OW. I am basically in Plan A at the moment but still getting on with my own life. He is one confused puppy at the moment. I will not just give up on my marriage though. I believe my marriage is worth the fight. I don't know what the standard time line is for affairs but I know my H's affair is not all sweetness and roses. He has a tough time with her. We'll wait and see. I am an at home Mom too with two kids and I'd say it is the hardest job in the world. Take care of yourself.

Jackie<BR>You can read my profile to get a little more details. But my H's affair lasted from Sept '98-Jan 2, 1999. Ironically enough, the day his affair ended was the day he moved out of the house, and saw an attorney to file for divorce.<BR>We have been HEAVY into recovery since he moved home Feb. 13 '99. It is hard work, but well worth the heaven. Keep up the work with HArley, he's great (we used him as well). I am a stay at home mom and you can email me if you want. KKCinAL@aol.com.<BR>Lots of luck!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Okay, for us:<P>Emotional affair with OM began in late March 1999.<P>H and my 19th anniversary in late April.<P>One and only sexual encounter in first week of May.<P>H discovered affair immediately after. He "had a feeling" and I couldn't lie anymore.<P>Affair ended within three weeks of discovery.<P>It's been four months since discovery.<P>Things have been very, very good lately... that is, up until this afternoon. H has flashbacks and struggles with the pain and anger, like fighter says. Today was a bad day.<P>But I see us well on the road to recovery. <P>As an aside, when H had a series of emotional affair in 1987, it took me a full year to let go of the gut-wrenching pain. When I think of it now it still pisses me off... so... I don't know what that means, exactly.<P>Hope this helps.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Dec 98: H began affair with ow.<BR>March 99: I discovered affair.<BR>April 99: Evidence H still seeing ow..(Pre-Harley book).. I kick him out and was filing for divorce.. We met and made a verbal agreement as to how to divide everything up.<BR>H also leases appt. with ow..<BR>June 99: H moves back in.. were doing well, but I think he may have backslid a bit in August.. We had some good discussions about his recovery and since then have been doing well. We will be using a joint counselor to help us through the bumps here,, but overall, going pretty good.. Its the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the same time the most worth while!!!

Jackie, affair started last week of May/98 and was discovered that same week. Ended completely October/98.<BR>Been in recovery ever since, and doing fine.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

H met OW in bar, 1st week of Jan.'99. H heavily drinking (is alcoholic). OW enabled it while I forbid it. (BTW, OW is a bar slut and married w/young kids). Affair became physical in Feb. Admitted affair on Feb. 22. I was going to take kids and leave. Next day, he says he wants to stay married, go to counseling, quit drinking and work on our marriage.<P>H went through w/d. Continued to lie lie lie about details of affair. Sometimes would sneak around and drink and would act mean, insensitive and irrational. Had our up & down days from end of Feb. thru July. Many times, inbetween that time, I felt like leaving. Didn't know how much more crap I could withstand.<P>Since end of July, things have been great. H still working at staying sober. Just crossing my fingers, doing Plan A and praying that things continue to get better.<P>Have to be honest though. I sometimes get mental images and I feel like slapping him. Still can't believe that this nice man who is here before me, was that cruel alien who did horrible things to me and our family at the beginning of the year. I guess time will heal the wounds.<BR>

For me everything happened so fast, I am still reeling. The affair began a year ago on Oct 25. I found out on November 2, we separated November 17, OW got pregnant Nov 25, H came back to me Jan 1 after dating me throughout December. Withdrawal was awful until mid-June, then suddenly, he snapped out of it. He's been his old self since then. I found out about the pregnancy around January 5 or 6 and have had a very, very difficult time dealing with it. She gave birth August 20th and my H has had no contact with her since Jan 17. She's keeping the baby and we will have to pay but there will be no contact on either side.<BR>Back to the withdrawal. The ups and downs are so hard to deal with. One moment you're so happy they're home, so grateful. They behave so loving and remorseful, sensitive and vunerable for a moment, then suddenly without warning, the mood changes and they become distant and cold and you are suddenly frightened and confused and because of what you've already been put through, you're scared to death you're going there again and you don't think you can take it one more minute, then, they change again! It's nuts. It didn't really change for me until June 14th when I sudden slammed my hands down on the coffee table and announced that I could'nt and would'nt take his cold, distant withdrawal for one more minute. I was sick of it and I meant it. He knew I meant it. He opted to change when I suddenly didn't give a rip anymore.<BR>One really, really manipulative thing I did was type an e-mail to a friend telling her that I had met a man and he was very interested in me but that I didn't want to complicate my life by doing something I'd regret. The e-mail was contrived and I had'nt met anyone, but, I wanted H to think I had. He saw the e-mail and became pretty obsessed over it. It was a stupid game but it made him think. When I think of how desparate I was back then and how quickly all this happened and the tragic consequences that we both have to live with for the rest of our lives, it's incredible that we did survive this and we are in recovery. You are in my prayers. I hope he wakes up soon. Love catnip

Jackie,<P>I think once they come back to you, you both stay in recovery forever. I suspected H. was having an affair for several months --about 8 months I guess. Moved out, came back, and thought it was over, although during that time he never admitted it to me. It ended the day the OW's fiance called and told my H. he knew about the affair and was going to tell me. That day my H. told me--first tried to cover it up but the fiance had tapes of them and proved it to me later that same day. Basically it ended right then --on the day I really, really found out for sure there was an OW. OW classic--into Harley Davidson motorcycles, had long black haired (grey streaks everywhere), thongs and all. Worst nightmare.<BR>I tried to throw him out but couldn't--he wanted to work on saving marriage and agreed to end all contact with OW. She worked with him and he even (2 months later) transferred to be totally away from her--now he has a new job not with the same company. There was one tiny slip that I know of--she called him to ask 'why' and he said he loved me and it was over. I call it a slip because it took him 2-3 weeks to tell me about it. He gave me cell phone and pager and I have ready access to all detail billings. We are recovering and will continue to recover but I think it will take the rest of our lives...together...that is what recovery is...two people working together to build a marriage they both want.<P>mdj<p>[This message has been edited by mdj (edited October 11, 1999).]

Well I'm not sure I can help you I am still going through the same thing you are. I have been seperated for 2 yrs. My H asked for a seperation to find out if we missed each other. Found out about the affair 2 mos after he left stated he was living with the ow for a place to stay but I kept hearing things throught the grapevine. He has never pushed for a divorce says he just doesn't know if he wants to be commited any where. The ow is 10 yrs his age very young. Last year 5/98 we bought a house together and was working on fixing it up but he was still living with the ow and he would make all the promises to give him a little time and of coarse I did. Well then I got pregnant last year 7/98 and now have a 6mo old also. I also have a 11yr old. Well things looked promising but still he good not make the decision to come home. Now I have recently found out he has had a baby with the ow 1mo old. It has been very hard for me I keep praying for peace and trying to recovery from a broken heart. We have been together fot 16 yrs. I found this web site last year and have fully enjoyed reading on things. I can't tell you when recovery will start but as a new member to this forum and finally feel like their is support out there and someone to talk to that has or is going through the same things I am. I still love my husband very much and would like to survive this crisis and I'm still praying for that and I have received advise that marriages can survive crisis like this. <BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you hand in there. God Bless you and your family. By the way I stay home and no longer work either since I have had the baby and we do work this is harder than going to a office every day.