My husband had a 3 month affair, before I found out. He claims he was beginning to withdraw from their relationship, because of the guilt. He never wanted me to find out, but alas I did. We have three children together, who are 2-7 years old, and besides my parents and sisters, no one knows anything about this. Part of it was my personal wish, I have hopes that our relationship will heal, and I don't want that negative energy hanging over us. I also feel a bit of jealousy over some friends and their seemingly wonderful husbands, when I thought that my relationship was the same. A lot of misconceptions and falsehoods have come to light through all of this, and I hope in the end for us to come out stronger.

While I look for the light at the end of this, and have hopes for a happy life together, I am stuck in the present.

The biggest hurdle right now is that he still works with her. And when he isn't working with her, she is coming in to see him. She sends him text messages still, which he says he is not responding to. In most cases he is showing me her messages and then deleting them. He claims he shows me all of them, but I can never be truly certain that he is.

He hasn't told her that he can't continue with this, he has hoped that just ignoring her advances and treating her in a solely professional manner would get the message across. It has not. It's been a month now, and she is continuing on without thought. She sits around in his office in a sexual manner, she flashes undergarments at him, and passively talks to him. She will say things like her back hurts, but wont come right out and ask for a backrub, as an example. I feel like she is testing the waters since he has pulled away, but shes not getting the clue fast enough for me.

H has not said anything to her, because he is afraid his position would be on the line. We live in a small community, and jobs are very hard to come by in our area. Losing his job, especially for something like this could have horrible repercussions, not just for him, but our home and our children. He wants to keep doing things this way, where he ignores her advances, but doesn't say anything, but everytime he goes to work, I know she will be there to visit or be working. And this isn't working for me. When we were away for the weekend out of town, things were close, and everything felt great between us, then we are back, and its the reality of her.

I want to be logical and not so emotional over this, I dont want to screw up my children's lives, but I am so depressed when he goes into work. Hes at work now, and she will be there, and I just can't believe everything he says, even though Ive been trying to catch him in a lie, and haven't been able to. Ive even gone so far as to spy at him while he left work. The prime time they used to head out and do something. I hate the way all of this has made me paranoid, and everything feels so unsafe.

He is in a supervisor position, and it is because of that he is afraid for his job. His company fires quickly over sexual harrasment, and I do understand this. I just want him to end things with her, and for her to find a new job, like she originally planned before the affair began. Now she is planning on staying.

I want him to end it. And he won't. I know he still cares for her, and I understand that. I really try to be understanding, as he has been trying the same for me. But I can't live like this, days that he is at work, and I want to separate or move far away. I dont want HER to have control over my life anymore! I read that most affairs are secret, and both parties want to keep it that way, I have this hope that he could just tell her he wants to work on his family for the kids (boy does she love our kids, shes all ready to take over the mom role for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) I just have this hope she would just accept that, and go on with her life, and not make a big public issue out of it, but he says that shes really emotional and acts on her emotions and he thinks she would make a big deal out of it.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and treading softly, because we don't want to upset the delicate balance of Her... I can't stand it!

You have a lot of very difficult decisions to make. But you need to know why you need to make the decisions you'll have to make.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley. It will give you a clear understanding of the addictive qualities of an affair, and why you must do what you have to do to get it to stop.

You may want to consider posting over on the General Questions II forum, as it is much busier, and you'll get more responses.

Best wishes,
SD

SG,

You're not crazy and you're not alone. All contact continues you the affair. Ongoing, clear and present pain.

Please read all of Harley's articles here on infidelity...and run to get his book that Shattered suggested. I believe you'll fully understand and accept why you keep hurting...because you both have chosen a really harmful priority.

What you are experiencing now is job above everything. By not exposing at work...which is stating The Truth...neither of you are living in it. Do you want to sacrifice your marriage for a job?

Get out of the way of the natural consequences of his choice to have an A and now, continue it. He cannot recover without no contact. You cannot recovery with contact.

My DH worked with OW, also. For three months after his A...and even broke it off with her...and broke NC again and again. It's an addiction and she is a fantasy drug.

She's not real.

You are.

Your children are real.

I had to reorder my priorities...'cuz they were sneaky devils. I had to decide if I wanted a divorce, which split us financially, as well as spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I didn't want that. No redemption for me there...no growth or ownership, which I sorely needed. So I made my marriage my top priority. Before money (which was scary), job, FS (financial security)...because if he continued his A through contact after he recommitted to the marriage, then I would expose and he would be fired. Automatically.

Oh, and yeah...about OW getting another job...yeahrightsure. Doesn't happen. She has him over a barrel...don't believe it. WH thought that, too. She's still working at the same place he transferred out of...and he hasn't seen nor heard from her in over two years.

We were lucky that way.

When your marriage comes first, then children, then jobs...life begins to line up.

Your WH wasn't afraid for his job when he chose to have the affair. He justified, rationalized and ignored. This isn't you demanding him to suffer...this would be you getting out of the way of his own consequences. Not you imposing them.

Are you in MC together? Read, know and grow. You can do this. Many of us did. When you set your own priorities, hold your fear (not react to it), and be brave...then you are choosing to be a great wife, mother and woman. I promise.

LA