Hey everyone. I have have been divorced for about 6 years and have two awesome daughter's 12 and 14 that live with their mom. Their mom, who just had the new boyfriend move in during Feb after breaking up with her fiance in Nov, just informed us that she is pregnant, getting married in May and planning on selling her house and moving about 45 minutes away from where she currently lives. I currently live about 4 miles from my daughters and spend alot of evenings taking them to sport practices, the gym, and helping with homework.

My kids are very upset at her to say the least. They are upset that they will be changing schools and leaving their friends not to mention the pregnancy and marriage. I am upset at the role model she is potraying to them and the effect it will have on my daily relationship with my girls.

In addition, I believe she is hurting financially and close to loosing everything. This may be why she is making decisions that appear not to be in the best interest for the kids.

I feel I need to have a serious talk with my kids about the poor decisions she making so they know this is not how you should lead your life. I would also like to talk to them and let them know I feel I am a better role model, that I can provide for them and that they would be better off living with me.

I would love to hear how some of you would handle this.

Thanks

Wow, they are certainly old enough to decide to live with you if that is what they want. I guess I'd offer up that option. I'd discuss it with the ex first (unless you have a bad relationship). (my ex would have discussed the move with me first before telling the kids).

delicately!

As tough as it is, I suggest backing away from pointing out that X is a bad role model. I'm assuming that you would want the girls to move in with you. They should be old enough that they can choose (depends on the state).

Instead of pointing fingers, offer help. Talk to the girls & tell them that you understand that the changes might be hard and that they could move in with you if they didn't want to change schools. Also talk to x and point out that this would make things easier for her since the new baby will take a lot of her time and you will not be able to help as much that far away. Bend over backwards in working out visitation schedules. Then when they are in your house, you can be the role model they look at.

I have tried to discuss the kids moving in with me, however, she does not want to discuss it and tells the kids its not an option (although not true). I have also pointed out all the benefits of having me close by as well as the lack of time she will have due to the new baby. It is not open for discussion and she gets hostile if I bring it up.

I have offered help and compassionto the girls and let them know that they can live with me. I also agree about being a role model and lead my life this way. As a single parent at what point do you tell your kids you morally don't agree with the decisions your x is making. Is this not part of providing the moral guidance that they need? Should not someone tell them this is not how you should lead your life and that the kids interests should be considered in her decisions?

i think you are walking a fine line and bordering on being judging of your ex. i don't think you want to come off as preachy and judging. your girls will see from your example. just because she has met the "man of her dreams", gotten pregnant and plan to get married, all rather quickly, does not make her a bad mother. if she has had custody this long then she must be doing something right. and you have not had issue until now is that correct? are you maybe just upset that she is moving 45 minutes away and it is going to disrupt your time with your daughters? i can understand that, but life happens and sometimes you have to adjust to it.

you have given your daughters a the option and it sounds like they still choose to live with mom. as long as she is a good mom, she disciplines, nurtures, loves, etc, takes care of them, i think you may just have to adjust.

i don't plan to always live in the same town as my ex. i have custody and we live in a nothing town. there will come a time that i will move and my ex will just have to adjust to that. he can still see his kids but yes the dynamics will change. that is life.

and if, when you talk to your ex, or make these suggestions to her, you are coming off sounding judging, it is no wonder it is not up for discussion. she's not having an affair, she met someone quickly after she and her fiance broke up, yes that is true. probably a rebound. and now she is pregnant. sounds like she is trying to do right by getting married. who are you to say it is a bad choice for her? or even wrong? i do agree that it is a lot for your girls to adjust to in a short period of time, but as long as they know they have both of you to support them and talk to, they will be fine. i am sure they don't like changing schools,etc, but that is life sometimes. life is not always constant. just be there for them, and your ex be there for them, try to make the transitions as smooth as possible, i think that is all you can do.

but i would not try to tell them you are more moral than their mother, etc. that is just wrong. you should never make those judgement calls. teach them non-accusingly what a marriage is supposed to be and in what order things should occur by taking them to church, etc, things like that, and let them form their own opinions. they love you and your ex. don't make them have to think you are the good one and mom is the bad immoral one. sounds to me like maybe mom made a mistake, or maybe not. maybe she is blissfully happy now. who are you to say?

mlhb

Hi AM,

It sounds to me as though your W is only putting her needs first and that she isn't making the best choices either.My ex did that too only I was able to keep the home and not uproot the kids.I think that was the best thing that could have happened after the A and the D.They have been able to stay reasonably healthy and happy partly because of that.So,I'm sorry for your kids.It's a big deal for them to lose friends and that stability.It also puts a big damper on your relationship with them as you mentioned.That isn't fair.

I don't think it's inappropriate to talk to your girls about how you feel.I too think if I were in your position,I would want to explain,on their level,how the choices your ex is making is affecting all of you and in what ways.I did that with my kids too when my ex was displaying all sorts of bad behavior/choices.You can certainly explain all that and set a good example but also not degrade your ex at the same time.We are parents and it's important to discuss these matters even if it does include family members.You can't ignore it.

If your ex is the physical custodial parent then you may not have much of a chance to change that unless she were deemed unfit in some way.Even though what she is doing isn't fair to the kids,I don't think you can do much to stop the move.A last resort may be going to a judge but I'm not even sure that would work.She isn't moving so far away as to be unreasonable/illegal,etc.

I don't blame you for being upset.I know I would be.

Thanks for all the input. I little more info might help. First, my ex is very inconsisent when it comes to being a mother. I believe she truely loves the girls but sometimes she can be a good mother, caring, fun, etc.. Othertimes she can be very shelfish and neglectful. Such as not validating the kids feelings, not willing to discuss any of the issues, leaving them at home several times a week from 6-10,11 at night to go to the BF house while not feeding them or making sure homework is done. She can also be very manipulative and explosive.

"she's not having an affair, she met someone quickly after she and her fiance broke up, yes that is true." Well this is not true. Shortly after the new boyfriend moved in, my daughter told me she thought mom had started dating the new BF before the fiance had moved out. I had suspected the same but never said anything. So I had the talk about how you end one relationship before you start another one.

"mom made a mistake, or maybe not. maybe she is blissfully happy now. who are you to say?" She may be very happy and I am very glad for her. However, she has made alot of bad choices/mistakes that are effecting the decisions and options she has available to her right now. Additionally, her choices have put her in a situation where she is having to make choices that are not in the best interest of the kids (such as needing a BF to live withem to pay bills, although she could get a room-mate, sale the house, etc)when you do have kids it's not all about you. The fact that she will not even discuss the issue of the kids living with me, shows me she is being selfish and not considering whats in the kids best interest. It would be one thing if I was a bad dad, but I perosnally take the reponsibility very seriously. I am emotionally connected to the kids, active in their everyday lives, I am financial secure, level headed and spiritual.

She has alot to loose if the kids come live with me. First there is the child support, which without it she would have to file bankruptcy because she is already on the verge of doing that know. Without the BF living with her I doubt she could pay her bills. Second would be the girls themselve and I know that is very difficult for a mother regardless of what type of mother she is. I am sure these are effecting her decisions.

I don't want to come across as being judgemental but in reality that is part of life. If a father beat's his son, I'm not going to like that person and I would tell my kids that what he is doing is wrong. Is that not being judgemental? If a close friend of mine sleeps around on his wife, I would tell him that is wrong. Is that not being judgemental. The point I am making is that anytime we assess whether something is right or wrong, we are making a judgement. I personally think that we have become a society that is too politically correct and doesn't accept responsibility for our own actions. You can tell people things in a caring manner without sugar coating and people should be held accountable for their actions.

I suggest you don’t worry about your ex-wife, and just concentrate on the girls. Do they want to try living with you? If they do, you could force your wife to discuss it. If she won’t talk to you, she could talk to the lawyer.

Maybe there’s an alternative custody agreement that would work. For example, the girls technically reside with you so that they can go to the same school as before, but your wife has custody from Friday afternoon until early Monday morning.

As for discussing your ex’s choices. I disagree with about 50% of the choices my ex makes because we have different values. So, I explain the reason why I make the choices I do. I point out that their father makes different choices and has different rules in his house, and that often mommy and daddy don’t agree. I also point out that when they are adults, they can chose daddy’s way, mommy’s way or a completely different way.

At 12 and 14, I doubt you have to express that their mother is making erratic decisions. They know. They know that they’re the ones who are hurt most by her behavior.

gg, i like the way you worded that. that is kind of what i was trying to say, but mine came out longer and different i guess!

mlhb

What does your divorce/parenting plan say?

I have a paragraph in mine specifically to prevent this kind of thing. Neither one of us can move more than 30 miles away and/or take the kids to another school district without a joint agreement or court permission.