My husband was supposed to have no contact with the OW since January. I recently found out (thru her, when he broke it off for good) that he was seeing her, sleeping with her and she'd moved less than 2 minutes away from my house. He had a key and claimed to be going "running" but would go to her house and do god knows what instead.

It's over now, for good he claims and I believe him. SHe outed him on the internet to EVERYONE and he's pissed and hates her, and is glad he didn't throw away his life for a person like her....he is being nicer to me, is concerned with getting our marriage on track, getting our love back, building up my trust again....all the things I've been wanting him to do forever. (this back forth thing has been going on for two years)......things are good.

BUT....I can't stop thinking that less that 3 weeks ago he was sleeping with her. Can't stop thinking that when I kept asking if he was seeing her he lied right to my face and swore on our kids that he wasn't. I don't think he's seeing her now considering the circumstances and the way it ended....but it's always there in my mind...just my luck she drives to work at the exact same time I drop my child off at school...I see her almost every morning. Also, I go walking and see her driving home from work. She drove by me three times the other day.

She lives right downtown, 3 tenths of a mile from me. Right behind the CVS/POST OFFICE/BREAKFAST PLACE we are at constantly. I have to drive by her house several times a day. It's a constant reminder that HE MOVED HER THERE. So it's be easier to cheat on me....or so that when he left, he'd still be near the kids.

Everytime I feel myself getting closer to him and enjoying the attention, the love, the remorse, all the stuff I've wanted for so long, I get stuck....I can't let myself GO and make it better....I'm holding back, and that's not helping us.

any suggestions?....he won't do counseling. Thanks in advance for any help.

Have you considered working toward moving away from the neighborhood? What are your conditions for recovery? I would discuss this with your H, tell him your concern, work out a solution, together.

You are holding back because you are wary. Do you think he is still in contact with OW? Have you asked, point blank? Do you have access to his accounts, etc? Do you know his whereabouts? Is he open and honest?

Have you read all of the MB materials, books, etc? Has your H? It's only been three weeks of NC, but you sound sketchy on that. Ask the hard questions. Usually, a repentant WS WILL answer them, and reassure you.

Why did you just let him "continue on as normal" without insisting on MC and other conditions to remain with you?

There is no way to move away until I get a job..when my children are old enough to be in school full time. Plus..I'm very bitter. Both DH and myself grew up in this town. This is OUR TOWN. She is not even remotely from around here, why should I have to move?..I'm very bitter that she invaded my safe place and HE moved her here...She even said that SHE wanted to move somewhere else but he convinced her to move here. Maybe she'll move now.

I haven't told my whole story. Long story VERY short, he met her 2 years ago or so at work, came home a few months later and told me he was leaving. He went to live with her for a few months...I was dumbstuck, had no idea anything was wrong etc.. He brought up all sorts of things in the past, bla bla. I was NOT GOOD for a long time. I lost a ton of weight and was really messed up. I finally got myself together and started getting stronger and he comes to me and asks to come home...says he saved up the money for the divorce, but just couldn't go thru with getting the paperwork, can we work it out.

We tried.....but I caught him with her again...I pretended I was him online, talked to her....found out stuff. THis went on and on.....he "loves" her...so it was hard for him to let go, he kept going back.....he'd start by talking to her, then meeting her for luch, then after work, ethen sleeping with her....the same thing over and over for two years. I finally got fed up and said forget it...He said he was ready to really let her go. We struggled alot with whether or not we wanted to be together....

He said goodbye new years eve...the end. He didn't have any contact with her for awhile. Stupid me told him one time she was talking ****** about me online with her friends...he contacted her to tell her he didn't like that...they started talking apparently...he missed her, wrote her a letter, left it in her mailbox, then they started seeing eachother again...he was going to leave me for her again...Then I found out they were talking...blew up..he said again, he was working up to say goodbye, that hey knew he had to and this time it'd be final. He wrote her a letter and left it and her key in her mailbox the day before her birthday. she flipped out. Posted on her myspace page EVERYTHING....I confronted him, he said that all he can say is that it's over now, and we can move on....he's not going back to her.

So of course I have my doubts whether or not he's talking to her. ..he always has gone back to it after brief periods of non-talking...They work at the same place, different offices. Whatever.

I do have control, I have his phone on GPS unbeknownst to him, I monitor the phone bills (she was calling him unavailable but I figured it out) ...I gps him all the time to find out where he is, I go thru his stuff, I show up places...all so far so good.

I do think it's over, because of how it ended, she outed him to all his friends, my family, coworkers. He hates her...but ...it's still there.

I haven't read all the MB stuff yet...I've read some though. I know he has to mourn. He's being really good....all the other times he said goodbye to her he didn't connect with me or even TRY to fix our marriage....but now he is....I just have trouble accepting it, and letting it happen. I withdraw.....he gets upset at himself for putting me thru this which makes him withdraw.

I aske him outright if he talks/sees her...however I have always done that and he's lied to me before so it means nothing. I am obsessed with checking up on her online to see if there is any clue she's seeing him. This consumes my life and I hate it, but I feel if I don't keep doing it, I'll miss something again.

I just feel lost.

because I'm weak. I admit it. This last time I found out, I packed up all his stuff and told him to leave. I was serious, not just a threat to see if he would. ..I think that scared him into believing I was finally serious...he suggested counseling which he's totally against...we went once, DH told the guy "love shouldn't be this hard", the counselor told him that theory is [censored], and that was the end of that...he wont' go cuz he doesn't like being told he's wrong.

What, you are looking at 18 to 24 months of recovery, so you won't be "letting go" of anything soon. This is a traumatic betrayal that will take lots of time and effort from which to recover. It is as traumatic as a RAPE.

I would suggest that you move away from there. As you have noticed, it is very hard to recover living right by her. It will be even that much harder for your H to resist the temptation when she is right there under his nose. All he has to do is have a weak moment and they will be right back at it again.

Dr. Harley would tell you to MOVE.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Take some hard-earned money and call the Harley's. Keep posting, filling in the blanks. Come back, ask questions, fill out the questionnaires, get the books (Surviving An Affair is NUMBER ONE).

I know that you are angry and so deeply damaged right now; please take the time to get the knowledge to save your M.

From what you write, you are keeping tabs on him, BUT he is not offering up the information. Please read up on Openness and Honesty. Absorb as much material here as you can. Get the knowledge so you can have the power.

As MelodyLane has mentioned, you may need to MOVE in order to survive this. Is your M more important, or the town you grew up in?

Can your WH change jobs? If so, it should be considered. Work AGAINST your fear, for it will paralyze you. Ask for what you NEED to feel safe. Right now, you don't feel safe. You have come to the right place. Initially, it can be overwhelming, all of this information, but it will click.

How do you let go? D or Recovery.

The question s/b how will he regain your trust?

Recovery puts more work on the Xws. So what is he doing to prevent this from happening again?

He sounds like he still has a WS attitude. Maybe not a lot but enough t/b an azz.

You are wearing yourself out policing him. That is because you don't trust him.....ask yourself, how much longer can you keep doing this?

L.

I would love to move or change jobs, but it's not a reality. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's not. He makes 6 figures with no college degree and has been there 10 years...he's almost VP...he's worked so hard for that....and any other job he went to would be taking a 75% pay cut and we can't do that financially. They are not in the same office, and he only has to visit her office occasionally for meetings, which he cannot talk to her or have any contact with her at all, because ........ two years ago when he came home, she filed sexual harassment charges against him....Nice huh?..

If we had the money and the opportunity we'd be gone in a second, I could care less about living in this town, it just pisses me off that she invaded my safe haven...MY TOWN.

He does offer information, he suggest we go running together so that I knwo where he is (because he was "running" to her house before) ...and gives me his route if we don't go together so I can drive by if I want, and I have.

How do you get thet WH to get into reading all this stuff and getting into the program?....I've tried several times with other books and stuff like that....I get emails from another marriage guy that I forward to him ....he just isn't interested in focusing on all that stuff..he just wants to "get on with our life" and forget it. Any talk about it just Pi**es him off and makes him withdraw further. I truly belive it's because he hates himself for what he did to us, and for how he feels, but....I can't make him face it..

I hate to tell you this, but you are probably looking at a several more years of on-again, off again. This affair can't end because he can't ever withdraw from her. Just so you know. There will be no recovery until contact ends FOREVER and completely. Not trying to throw a wet blanket on you, just telling you how it will likely be.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity:

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.


entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html