My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have two children ages 13 and 10. We have been through a lot in our marriage but have continued to make it work throughout the years until recently.

I just found out about two weeks ago that my wife has been having an EA with OM online that lives more than 3000 miles away. This OM is married and has three kids but his wife does not know about this affair. My wife tells me that he is in love hith her but she is not sure if she is in love with him or if it's just a nice fantasy that she is enjoying. She tells me that she loves me but she is not "in love with me"! She said that she would stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids but couldn't promise anything after they are gone.

I know where she is coming from because I went through something similar 6 years ago but without any EA or a PA with anyone. She gave me space for over a year and I eventually fell in love with her again and even stronger than before...it seemed like! I thought things were fine but then this happened.

I told her that if we are to make our marriage work she would need to stop talking and communicating with him. She says that its not that easy and that she can't turn her emotions off.

My question is do I continue to push her to stop talking with him and work on our marriage or do I have to let her go do her thing and hope that she sees the light. She will not give thought to using the techniques found on this web page however. I feel she is too overwhelmed with the excitment of the EA and cant see that it is possible to fall back in love. I tried using myself as an example but she replied back with a "everyone is different" attitude! Please help!!

Wthrbf

Sorry you have to be here. But since you are, feel fortunate that this is probably the best place you could have found to help you through all of this. And I don't mean to scare you, but it's just the beginning. I'm not an expert and I've only been on here for 6 months, but I remember the place you're in now. I hope I can help get you started with what I've learned. Hopefully some of the more experienced MBers will come along and pick up my slack.

It sounds like you've done some of the reading on this site? Have you read "His Needs/Her Needs" and "Love Busters" also on this site? This OM your wife has been talking to has been filling some of her emotional needs. You need to print out the emotional needs survey on this site and either ask her what hers are (preferred method) or guess at them the best you can.

You'll need the tools listed above to help you "plan A" your wife, which you need to do right now. Please read up on plan A also. This is crucial.

Do you have visual proof of your wife's affair? Something tangible that you can show if necessary when you expose her affair. You will need to expose the affair if she doesn't stop contact with the OM. Again, more reading. DO NOT EXPOSE until you have read how to do it here. If you don't have proof, you'll need to get it. You can also read about spying in these threads.

Also, don't tell your wife about this web site until after you are absolutely positively sure that no contact has been established for awhile. A lot of times affairs will start back up and you may have to expose and you don't want her to know your game plan.

I feel for you. My FWH had an online EA for almost 4 months. It's amazing to me how much it has all devasted me.

Your wife will say a lot of hurtful things while she is in the "wayward fog". They all say the same things. Please read some of the newcomer stuff in the "just found out" section to help get you started and to help you understand that what your wife is doing is not unique.

Take care.

I am a FWH that had an online EA similar to your wife's, so I may have some insight on what she is feeling. My wife pushed me to stop talking to the OW (this was before we discoverd MB) but each time it only lasted for a few days. In the end, it really came down to me deciding that I needed to stop. I'm not sure if it was from my sense of duty, tired of being dishonest with myself and my wife or just realizing that it was all based on fantasy. Probably a combination of all the above.



The fact that your wife even mentions the word "fantasy" is a very good sign imo. It is a fantasy, free from all the reality that is day-to-day life, that is meeting one or more of your wife's EN. For me they were Honesty & Openness, Conversation and Affection. You need to start meeting those needs that are being met by the OM.



You are right, if your marriage is to work, she needs to have NC with the OM... forever. She is also correct, it is not easy. I liken my online EA to a drug addiction and quitting has had many psychological and physical side effects. In the end, she will need to decide to stop, you can't make her.

Good luck, I hope things work out.

OK...been there, done that. How did your wife get started in this online EA to begin with? (Betting there was an MMORPG involved here).

Are you tolerating continued contact with OM? Is she still engaged in whatever medium started the contact in the first place?

Have you read up on plan A here? Started implementing it?

How long has she been engaged in the EA? How did you find out? When?

Lots of questions...the more we know, the better advice you'll get.

Thanks for the post Mopey and Emotionless!!

My wife got started with the EA by using an instant messenger program one night when she said she was lonely. I work shift work and I'm away a lot during the night. I am not sure what MMORPG means in your last post? Could you educate me on that one?

As far as your question "Are you tolerating contact with OM" goes...I told her that it must stop NOW if we are to work on our marriage! She filled me with stuff like it's not easy...I can't change my feelings...The OM is in love with me and I feel responsible for what I did and I don't want to hurt him...etc etc!! I un-installed all software programs that she was using to communicate with him and check every day to see if it's been re-installed. However...she has a work cell phone that I have caught her using to send text messages. I also have no control over how or if she contacts him at her work. She admitted that he used to send her emails at work as well as call her at work. She even confessed to creating online email accounts that I don't know about to communicate!!

The problem is now that we had argued and fought for so many days that she has completely shut down and told me that she doesn't even want to talk about anything anymore!! She even told me that if I continued talking that I would just drive her further away and then it would be my fault that the marriage didn't work! She has just asked for space with no talking about what is going on!! I walk around on egg shells all the time know!! I have also lost my appetite and ability to sleep well!! I feel like I am going nuts!!

The weird thing though is that she still hugs me (though loosely) kisses me when she leaves and comes home from work. However...she has told me that she would never divorce me because of the kids and that she could continue to pretend until the kids are gone. This doesn't give me much hope that her hugs and kisses are genuine!!

I wrote her an email the other day explaining to her what she meant to me as a person because that is how all of this started. I went through a very similar "thing" about 6 years ago but did not have an EA or a PA with anyone. I did get some great attention but I knew better than to start an A because that would drive me further away. I said some things back then like "I don't like who you have become" and "I wish you could be like this instead of like this". Looking back at those comments just absolutely crushes me and makes me feel so low as a husband!!

She gave me lots of space to think about what I needed and to clear my head! However...I was in school and did not meet her EN for at least 2 years! I believe now that her "giver" gave up and the "Taker" took over. That is what ultimately led her to this.

D-day was 3-18-07 when I configured the IM software to save all chat sessions. My life at that point was turned upside down. She had just left 5 hour earlier to for a business trip and he was to meet her there for a full week!! Their conversation talked about how bad the OM couldn't wait to sleep with her and take her to dinner...blah blah blah!!! She even bought sexy bedroom outfits (told me they were for me) and everything!!

When I confronted her she was sooooooo apologetic and said that it was a fantasy and that even before I caught her that she had pretty much made up her mind that she was not going to sleep with him! She said she couldn't bring herself to do it...felt too guilty!! Anyway...she called him and told him not to come (which I didn't believe at first) but she assured me he didn't. We were in contact with each other every waking second of her trip!!

She returned home a changed woman. She was always holding me, crying and apologizing. She was even telling me she wanted to fix our marriage and that we were now "even" (for what I did to her). I thought things would be great and we would be starting a completely new chapter in our marriage until 3 days later when I caught her texting again!! That is when she started with the whole I miss him and our conversations!! She even told me that she didn't know if she wanted the marriage to work and that she will always wonder if this OM could have been a person that she could feel happy with for the rest of her life!! That hurt and still hurts bad!!! So this is where we are!! She doesn't want to talk and I feel lost and empty!!

Here is her reply to my email that I sent her the other day.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I truly appreciate it!

I love you too (name). It's just going to take some time for me to forgive, forget and get those old feelings back. Please try to be patient with me.

Love,
xxxx

Confused!!!!!!!!
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Me-36, BS
Her-39,WW
DD 13
DS 10

Ok...need so more help here!!

My wife told me tonight that all of the new attempts of kind gestures...telling her how much I appreciate her...hugging her...offering to make her a bubble bath or to put in simply show her that I am a changed person...has backfired!! She told me that I sound like a book and that I'm trying to hard!! She said she doesn't like the new me because it took her to tell me that she didn't love me anymore for me do start doing these things!! I can't win!! She won't talk to me about her feelings anymore...and if I do she snaps at me and says "What happen to giving me space"? It seems that the situation is so backwards here!! She is the one that had an EA and I am paying for it! I know that I was not there to meet all of her EN over the years but she is not in the least bit grateful that I am trying to change you I am and that I’m trying to SHOW her now that I love her!! Is there anyone out there that can give me some insight so that I can go about this in a different way?

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Me-36, BS
Her-39,WW
DD 13
DS 10

When was last contact "If you know". Sounds like withdrawal.

Like she wants to be angry at you, to make contact.

Have you exposed the affair?

I have not exposed the A to the OMW because I don't have his last name to find their home information. I haven't exposed to WW work or family in fear that it would drive her further away!! I am very nervous about doing that!!

JustKeepTrying - The last "known" contact was on 4-02-07 but I'm pretty sure she contacts him at her work!!

Me-36, BS
Her-39,WW
DD 13
DS 10

Based on my knowledge from being on this forum for about a year and reading posts from some of the experts like Melody Lane, Pep, and Mulan: You need to expose this affair to everyone you can. You need to get the name of the other man and expose it to all. This is the first best step to recover your marriage. Affairs do not prosper in the light of exposure. This is a well documented fact. This is the course of action you need to take. Get help here regarding how you find everyone so that you can expose and do it in one fell swoop. Do not threaten, do not say you are going to do it--just get the goods and do it.
Lake

wt, the affair is driving her away and will continue to drive her away until you stop it. Exposure to the OMW may very well end the affair THAT DAY. Exposure is the most potent weapon you possess and you are wasting time by not using it.

Find out WHO this is and call his wife. Do you have a keylogger on her computer? Do you have his phone #? With a phone # you might be able to find him.

Kill the affair and you have a chance to save your marriage. The affair is CRACK and your wife is a crack head. Get the crack out of her hands so she can sober up. Understand?

Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to them.

I do have the MOM # but when I bought one of those phone search things it did not return any info. Said that it found nothing and that it didn't charge me. The only thing that I know is where he lives (the state) but not sure about the city. Where do I turn now?

wthrbf

did you try intellius? Is this a cell phone # you have? Also, I would get a keylogger on her computer as soon as you can. There are 2 kinds, the kind that will email you a report [eblaster and actmon] and the kind that you have to get the report from that computer. spectorpro is the best, IMO.

wt, go over to this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post3217323

RebornMarch offered to do a search on his netdetective. Jim had some other suggestions that might be helpful. We have to find that OM's name and home phone #!

It is a cell #. I think that is the site I used last time. I'll look again.

If you can't find it, a PI can get the info for you in a couple of days for a couple hundred bucks.

Here's what you are facing right now. As Melody said, she's addicted to how she feels when she engages the OM. When they aren't chatting, she begins jonesing for another hit. If contact stops completely, she'll go through withdrawal, just like an addict.

When you get the OMW's name, let her know about the A, offer to send her copies of any/all evidence you have captured, and send it to her by registered mail. Suggest to her putting on a keylogger, just as you should do. If both of you are in the know, and vigilant in watching your spouses, each time contact takes place you can confront and make the affair more painful. Likewise, inform the OMW of any contact you discover.

In the mean time, keep posting, reading, learning. You can survive this, but the work's all going to be yours until contact stops and she's through withdrawal.

Best wishes,
SD

I have a keylogger...it's great...

it's called "invisible keylogger"....just google that.