We are now at a point where we are talking more and have agreed to try to work it out. My challenge is that my husband doesn't want to leave his job becuase even though he has moved away from her area he is "comforted" going there just knowing she is there. He says "he loves me but isn't in love with me" and has no passion left for me.
dasmith007 - First let me say that I am sorry you are going through this. There are few things more painful than adultery. If you stick with MB you will get a lot of support and some good advice that you will have to decide whether or not to "take," because some of it you may find "uncomfortable" or "hard" to do as you balance your hope of recovering a good marriage with your fears of "what may be."
When you say you have "agreed to try to work it out," WHAT, exactly, has your husband agreed to do as HIS part of trying to "work it out?"
Your husband appears to be "agreeing" to this "try" because he is afraid of the Other Woman's husband, fear of the ramifications at work if his superiors become aware of this workplace affair, and NOT because he "loves you."
Let's face a few hard facts, okay? I know that it might hurt, but you MUST deal in reality now if you truly want to rebuild a marriage with this man who is NOT your husband. He is a "cohabitor" with you, for HIS reasons, but not because he loves you. He doesn't even "like" you at this point. Why do I say that?
"they have pledged thier love to each other but know they can't be together because of her kids." Your husband is SO caring that he thinks having an affair with someone is "right," just so long as he can justify it in his mind. The reality is that your husband does NOTHING that is not centered in selfishness and a self-centered worldview. "Whatever husband wants, husband can have no matter who gets hurt in the process."
Furthermore, his "concern" for the OW's children is an excuse to NOT have to face both the commitment of marriage and the consequences of adultery to EVERYONE, including the children, who are harmed by their selfish actions. He is NOT concerned about the children or the impact on them of the OW divorcing her husband. IF HE WAS concerned about them, there would never have been an affair with her...he would have picked a single woman where children were not even in the "equation." He is attempting to use her children to say how "noble" he is despite the fact that adultery is about as ignoble as one can get.
With respect to the job. Here's the "bottom line," all arguments aside: Recovery after adultery REQUIRES "extraordinary measures" to ensure NO CONTACT with the affair partner for the rest of his natural life. That means in your situation, very simply, that one or both of them needs to leave that workplace. If you listen to others who may post to you who have "tried recovery while the spouse is still in work related contact" with the Other Person, it either does not work or it GREATLY lengthens the recovery timeframe.
In your case, your husband doesn't love you and you have not children. Guess what he is doing in telling you he will "try to work it out?"
He's telling you that he will bide his time to see if the OW's marriage falls apart and he can THEN leave you and marry her. He is putting the "responsibility" for the potential break up of the OW's marriage on her husband, so he can play the role of "knight in shining armor who charges into rescue her after her husband kicks her out." Then the bad effects on her children are her husband's responsibility.
In the meantime he is also using you because YOU do love him and are willing to put up with his uncommitted "trying" in the hope that you can "work it out." Here is another "cold hard reality" for recovery from an affair. There is NO "try," there is only "DO."
He already divorced you when he chose adultery as the way to "satisfy his perceived unmet needs." In his mind, you are already divorced. YOU, not he, are "in control of recovery." You can "play along with him" and let him to continue to use you, or you can state the parameters of recovery that you will accept or not accept. He either "gets with the program," or he can have what he desired, a divorce.
Others will tell you to "Plan A," and to a certain extent that is true, you DO need to improve things in yourself that need improving (such as losing weight since you obviously think that makes you 'less attractive'). Making those changes are for YOU. They WILL make you more attractive to others, including yourself and your husband, but you don't make them just so your husband "will love me again." You make them because they are needed regardless of whether or not you remain married to your husband.
IF there is ANY contact at work that is not completely and totally needed by, and for, WORK related things, before a new job can be procured, make it clear to your husband that is a violation of the "No Contact" boundary and you will then impose the consequence of his willful violation of your boundary and you will inform those who need to know at the workplace. The "choice" of the consequence actually happening is "in his control" by simply abiding by his promise to have No Contact with her.
This is going to be a very "bumpy" ride, so if YOU are committed to attempting recovery, buckle up and get ready for having to shoulder the load of recovery for a while until your husband gets out of the "fog" and actually does commit to recovery and to recovering his "lost love" for you.
God bless.