I have been lurking here for a while and wanted to tell my story and get advice.
I have been married for almost 10 years with no kids. My husband has been at his job for about 14 yearts. He has worked with OW and they became really good friends. About 2 years ago our marriage hit some bumpe and I started to gain a lot of weight. We were fighting and talking about divorce but my WH says he didn't go through with divorce because he didn't want to hurt me. WE tried working on things but at the same time his co-worker came to him and said thier marraige was going down hill and off the affair started (about a year ago). After a while I suspected and confronted him 2 times with denials both times. We were best friends with these people - even took trips together during thier affair.

Fast forwd to 2/17 where we are at a party for thier work people at the OW's house nad the OW's sppuse catches them kissing in the basement. All ****** breaks loose and my husband tells the truth about everything-they have been having an affair and they have pledged thier love to each other but know they can't be together because of her kids.

It's been 7 weeks and we have been through some really dark days. We are now at a point where we are talking more and have agreed to try to work it out. My challenge is that my husband doesn't want to leave his job becuase even though he has moved away from her area he is "comforted" going there just knowing she is there. He says "he loves me but isn't in love with me" and has no passion left for me.

He been good with NC but if he feels that way about being there I think he needs to get another job. Also-today he arranged a lunch for someone leaving the company and OW was going to stay behind but thier boss insisted she go-at leat he told me and said he tried to get out of it but there was no way he could since he arrnaged it.

My question is do you thinkwe stand a chacne at R with him beong at the same workplace as her?

Thanks for listening and God Bless you all!

Debbi

No, you don't stand a chance as long as she is there. Tell him he must find another job. If he doesn't, expose to his boss and HR.

Also, you need to work on the things that you did that contributed to the decline of the marriage. Get to the gym and lose that weight.

No chance at all!

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

It will be impossible to recover IMO if they work together. Of course he's comforted to know she is still there. He holds on to a hope of what could be if you don't recover. Be wary of a false recovery, what you want is for your H to WANT to do things to prove his sincere interest in reconciling.

Is contact with OW acceptable to you? Please ask yourself that and do some reading here on the effects of continued contact. Your H cannot withdraw from her when he has only to take a short walk to get his fix. And, get this: Cheaters lie. How do you know the A is still not ongoing? It may have just gone underground.

Place yourself in a state of Plan A and work on you - you'll feel better, stronger, and in control of the only thing you do have control of: You.

das


This answers your question. He is still in "contact". He gets his FIX every day knowing she's there. He cannot withdraw from her in this situation. Never will. The fog won't lift, he will never see your pain and feel remorseful. He's still in lala land.

He doesn't even realize the pain you feel knowing they still see eachother!

dasmith007 - First let me say that I am sorry you are going through this. There are few things more painful than adultery. If you stick with MB you will get a lot of support and some good advice that you will have to decide whether or not to "take," because some of it you may find "uncomfortable" or "hard" to do as you balance your hope of recovering a good marriage with your fears of "what may be."

When you say you have "agreed to try to work it out," WHAT, exactly, has your husband agreed to do as HIS part of trying to "work it out?"

Your husband appears to be "agreeing" to this "try" because he is afraid of the Other Woman's husband, fear of the ramifications at work if his superiors become aware of this workplace affair, and NOT because he "loves you."

Let's face a few hard facts, okay? I know that it might hurt, but you MUST deal in reality now if you truly want to rebuild a marriage with this man who is NOT your husband. He is a "cohabitor" with you, for HIS reasons, but not because he loves you. He doesn't even "like" you at this point. Why do I say that?

"they have pledged thier love to each other but know they can't be together because of her kids."

Your husband is SO caring that he thinks having an affair with someone is "right," just so long as he can justify it in his mind. The reality is that your husband does NOTHING that is not centered in selfishness and a self-centered worldview. "Whatever husband wants, husband can have no matter who gets hurt in the process."

Furthermore, his "concern" for the OW's children is an excuse to NOT have to face both the commitment of marriage and the consequences of adultery to EVERYONE, including the children, who are harmed by their selfish actions. He is NOT concerned about the children or the impact on them of the OW divorcing her husband. IF HE WAS concerned about them, there would never have been an affair with her...he would have picked a single woman where children were not even in the "equation." He is attempting to use her children to say how "noble" he is despite the fact that adultery is about as ignoble as one can get.


With respect to the job. Here's the "bottom line," all arguments aside: Recovery after adultery REQUIRES "extraordinary measures" to ensure NO CONTACT with the affair partner for the rest of his natural life. That means in your situation, very simply, that one or both of them needs to leave that workplace. If you listen to others who may post to you who have "tried recovery while the spouse is still in work related contact" with the Other Person, it either does not work or it GREATLY lengthens the recovery timeframe.

In your case, your husband doesn't love you and you have not children. Guess what he is doing in telling you he will "try to work it out?"

He's telling you that he will bide his time to see if the OW's marriage falls apart and he can THEN leave you and marry her. He is putting the "responsibility" for the potential break up of the OW's marriage on her husband, so he can play the role of "knight in shining armor who charges into rescue her after her husband kicks her out." Then the bad effects on her children are her husband's responsibility.

In the meantime he is also using you because YOU do love him and are willing to put up with his uncommitted "trying" in the hope that you can "work it out." Here is another "cold hard reality" for recovery from an affair. There is NO "try," there is only "DO."

He already divorced you when he chose adultery as the way to "satisfy his perceived unmet needs." In his mind, you are already divorced. YOU, not he, are "in control of recovery." You can "play along with him" and let him to continue to use you, or you can state the parameters of recovery that you will accept or not accept. He either "gets with the program," or he can have what he desired, a divorce.

Others will tell you to "Plan A," and to a certain extent that is true, you DO need to improve things in yourself that need improving (such as losing weight since you obviously think that makes you 'less attractive'). Making those changes are for YOU. They WILL make you more attractive to others, including yourself and your husband, but you don't make them just so your husband "will love me again." You make them because they are needed regardless of whether or not you remain married to your husband.

IF there is ANY contact at work that is not completely and totally needed by, and for, WORK related things, before a new job can be procured, make it clear to your husband that is a violation of the "No Contact" boundary and you will then impose the consequence of his willful violation of your boundary and you will inform those who need to know at the workplace. The "choice" of the consequence actually happening is "in his control" by simply abiding by his promise to have No Contact with her.

This is going to be a very "bumpy" ride, so if YOU are committed to attempting recovery, buckle up and get ready for having to shoulder the load of recovery for a while until your husband gets out of the "fog" and actually does commit to recovery and to recovering his "lost love" for you.

God bless.

Wow! I think ForeverHers hit me in the gut-but not in a bad way. I think my fear of being alone is greater than my need for him to show me the respect I deserve. So Foreverhers if he agrees to really look for a job, go tto counsleing (which he has agreed to-we had 3 sessions with a MC and are now fgoing to IC for 4 sessions and then back to MC) in your opionion is that really trying? He has had NC and the only time he did go to a group lunch she was not supposed to go and changed her mind at the last minute. He called me immedialte after to let me know what happened and to ensure me he sat on the opposite end of the table and didnt talk to her.

Am I deluding myslef here? Be honest -I NEED to hear it.

Thanks everyone!

dasmith007 - No one can answer this question with certainty.

We don't know all the information nor do we know what all you "hashed out" over the past 7 weeks.

So let's look a couple of things that you said that are "positives."

1. "he has agreed to-we had 3 sessions with a MC and are now fgoing to IC for 4 sessions and then back to MC) in your opionion is that really trying?"

Not necessarily trying as in "fully committed." But he IS going and that, in itself, is a positive step. NOTHING about recovery happens instantaneously. You take a step, build on it, take another step, all the while remembering that you both progress, and heal, at differing rates. You are both dealing with different issues.

IC is just what it says it is...Individual Counseling. It is "designed" to help the individual, not the marriage. The focus is the individual, not the marriage. It may help or hinder recovery of the marriage issues depending upon the help needed and how the counselor views their "mission." If it's "just" to help the individual feel better about themselves, regardless of other people, then it's not likely to help the marriage. On the other hand, if it's along the lines of changing selfish and destructive traits that will both benefit the individual and the relationships with others that the individual might have, then it can also benefit the marriage.

Joint Marital Counseling is supposed to have the marriage as the primary focus, with the two you as "contributors" to the ONE marriage. It addresses your "needs" as they relate not only to self, but to the marriage. It addresses the needs of the other spouse, not just your own needs.


2. "He has had NC and the only time he did go to a group lunch she was not supposed to go and changed her mind at the last minute. He called me immedialte after to let me know what happened and to ensure me he sat on the opposite end of the table and didnt talk to her."

This would appear to be a positive step. It falls under the headings of Openness and Honesty as wells a Accountability for time and actions. Only you know the "tone" of what he said, but it sounds positive and should be encouraged, especially in light of the fact that there might be resistance to a job change at this time and he most certainly COULD have contact with her. He does not understand how ANY contact affects a BS, but TELLING you about each one IS a huge help, especially in reassuring you that he is NOT trying to restart the affair.

God bless.

Have you been in touch w/the OWH at all - do you know if they are working on recovering their marriage?

Hi Debbi,


How much weight? Do you stress-eat? Most talk about the "infidelity diet" which causes one to 'stress-fast' and lose weight inadvertantly.

I stress-eat....gained 80 pounds over 5 years....if you're the same, I know how you're feeling but I got control eventually.

One motivation for losing weight was anticipating that I might be single again sooner or later. Email me if you'd like to hear what else helped me. It wasn't a program or products but a frame of mind.

Ace

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