I didn't just "find out", but this is my first posting, so I thought I would start here. To tell it quickly. My ws started to treat me really poorly. Barely spoke to me, when he did it was nasty. If I was in a room and he walked in, he would walk out. Started keeping his phone on vibrate and taking it to work with him, which he never did. Quit sleeping in our bed. Claimed he "just fell asleep watching tv". Numerous times I asked him if he was mad, needed to talk, etc? Kids saw how he treated me and asked if he still loved me.

I finally looked up the phone bill on line to sort the numbers. Found a number called numerous times and in the middle of the night. Confronted him and he told me it wasn't what I thought and wouldn't tell me who it was. I told him either he told me or I would pay a pi to find out who it belonged to. He told me and I was floored. It was a woman he knew I would have a huge issue with, as she had hit on him several years before. She had just recently moved back into the area. I had spoken to her to help her out with an issue at school. Did he get her number from me leaving it around? He knew that this woman would hurt me and that is why he did it I think. When he knew I knew the number, he hung up on me. I found out later he called to warn her I knew. Much more to this story.

He tells me he didn't think we had "anything left". So after 22 years of marriage I don't even get a conversation? He just jumps right to the next one? He tells me they didn't have sex. Just talked. She is so easy to talk to. I ask what they talked about, oh, he can't remember. They talked several times a day. 6 times on our anniversary. One time we went to a wedding and he talked to her 4 times before we went and again after we got home. I asked if the idea of spending time with me was so terrible that he had to talk to her before we went and he said, no. I asked was it in fact so terrible that you couldn't wait to talk to her when we got home, he also denied that. I asked well, then what was so important that you had to talk to her, he didn't remember. I know this is a lie. We talked some and he said that he didn't realize I loved him.

I took care of my mother for two years prior to her death. He said that maybe he was jealous of all the care I was giving her, even though this occurred almost a year after my mother had died. I feel like such a fool. I thought the whole experience of caring for my mom brought us closer. A few days after I found out, I had asked him to talk to me about why, what was said, etc. Obviously she was filling some kind of need for him. He won't tell me. Then I really felt like nothing had changed as he doesn't want to talk about it. I asked him how "we were" and he said fine. I asked "fine? How can that be? A few days ago you were ready to leave?" He again said, he didn't know that I loved him. I don't see how that changes anything. He felt something or didn't feel something, in order to turn to her, and turned to this woman in particular for a reason. I have repeatedly told him I need some information to be able to move on. He won't tell me anything. Tells me everything is just great now. Like I should just pretend it didn't happen. Since, essentially nothing happened. I told him, I could have more easily accepted a sexual affair, but the fact that he says he talked to her about things he couldn't talk to me about, well, he gave her a part of himself he isn't willing to give to me and that is killing me.

My h is an officer and this woman has a history of going for the uniform. Has done it before. He fell for the the whole, your wife doesn't understand you story. He tells me nothing happened, they were just friends. He could tell her his troubles. He hasn't talked to her in 5 years and all of the sudden she is his best friend that he can go to with all his troubles. Of course, he says, she isn't like that. I felt him pulling away from me again a few weeks after this and asked him if he talked to her, he told me yes, I asked why and he said he had to. He had to tell her it was over. I said, what is to be over, when you told me it wasn't anything to begin with? He said he had to explain to her that he wouldn't be calling anymore. Nonsense. She called my house around this time and basically laughed at me. Told me that she told him that one time I was going to be in the room when she called and said that he laughed about it. Talked to one of my daughters on the phone and laughed at her as well. When we told him this, he said, oh, she wouldn't do that. So I lied as did my daughter.

Nine months have passed and nothing has changed. He says everything is just fine. But it isn't. Subtle changes. He doesn't touch me. Just normal things that he used to do. Brush the hair out of my eyes. Walk past me and brush a hand across my back. He hasn't told me I look nice since before this all happened. Surely at some point during the past year, I must have looked ok. I have degenerative joint disease. Not once has he asked me how I am feeling. I have lost over 20 pounds from vomitting over this and he hasn't mentioned a word about it. He tells me he loves me on the phone as part of his good bye. I say that doesn't count because it is just so routine, it is part of the bye. I have repeatedly asked him to talk to me to discuss things and on these nights, he just can't manage to stay awake. This infuriates me because he didn't have any trouble staying up all night to talk to her. I'm tired of trying. Tired of thinking something is wrong with me. Tired of feeling stupid that he feels things have been "bad for such a long time" and that I was totally ignorant to that fact. I have read the information here and have asked him again. I have decided that from now on it is going to be about what I want. If he doesn't care to give me that information, then he doesn't care about us and I am just wasting my time as I have wasted the past 22 years. Won't go to counseling. I wanted to go away together, he says it isn't necessary. This all started nine months ago. He tells me he hasn't talked to her again. I don't know if this is the truth or not. I know I can't keep going on feeling bad about myself, that isn't any good for me. If he cared about the relationship, about us, he would be willing to help me out here, but he isn't. My friend told me I need to tell him to get out of the house and he can come back when he decides what he wants. I don't see how you can work on a marriage if half of it isn't there. I am fearful that this is what he wants me to do. It will be my fault the marriage fails, because I was the one that made him leave.

What can I do now? I really don't want my marriage to be over, but if he can't consider what I need to get passed this do I have any other choice?

I'm not an expert at this, but I can tell you that you cannot allow this to continue. You need to stand up for yourself and demand some respect. That being said, I don't know how you can without kicking him out.

What kind of position are you in financially? If you can afford it, I would get a plan with SH. If not, at least call in the the MB radio show and ask Dr. Harley his advice. You H most certainly has screwed this OW, and he is probably on the prowl for others. He has completely detached himself from you, and it will be tricky to get him to re-engage with you. Spend this time working on yourself, and don't take his crap. Identify his ENs, avoid LBs, and work on meeting them for 2-3 months. If that does not work, I would kick him out of the house and plan B him.

I appreciate your response. The financial situation is the tough thing. I had to quit work 9 years ago because our newborn child was ill. When I was going to return, my middle daughter was diagnosed with heart failure. When she became stable, my mother became ill.

I do have a few options on places to go though. My sister's and a friend's. The friend is 16 hours away, my sister is 4.

I also think there is the possibility of someone else. Came home from work one day telling me Julie this, Julie that, on and on and on. My friend told me whenever he talks about someone like that, I should be very nervous. Also I have noticed when she works the same shift as him, he is extremely distant when he calls.


Sure wish I could address his EN's, I have no idea what they are. He says everything is fine and won't talk. When I try to tell him this isn't working for me, things aren't fine for me he doesn't say anything. I have tried to write and email him, thinking maybe he would respond that way, but he doesn't. He thinks as long as he has sex with me I should be a happy camper. So I am correct that he just doesn't give a **** but wants me to be the bad guy.

Thanks.

Julie is the person he is after, if he hasn't already hooked up with her. Is your H close with his parents? I would tell them about the first A and your suspicions of this Julie person.

It does sound that if you get divorced, he wants you to be the bad guy. If you do split up, he needs to stay somewhere else, and if he doesn't want to pay, at least file for a LSA to protect your family financially.

sw--first, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It's so very difficult, I know. You sound like a very caring person, taking care of kids and mom. Now you get this.

I recommend the book, Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.
It's all about "opening the cage door."

I think this is what you and WS need right now.

I don't know that his parents would be a big help. Would be more like someone else posted, "Do what makes you happy honey." They offered him $10,000 not to marry me. I imagine the comment I would get is that they aren't going to get involved, it is my fault anyway.

Though he did tell me that I make his parents feel unwelcome in our home. I called his mother to apologize for this and she said she never said that, never said anything to him that would make him think this was true and didn't know where it was coming from.

sw, can you change your name?

You are NOT a stupid wife. You are a trusting wife who got duped. It doesn't make you stupid.

Unbelieveable that a parent would offer $$$ to get their son not to marry the person he wants to marry. That was me, my the way--do what makes you happy, honey. And I got the same bs about MIL saying she never felt "welcome" in my house.

This is NOT your fault. Don't listen to that nonsense.

And please, change name. It makes me sad.

bump, I think that this is important for you to know!

This is not your fault and I do recommend changing your name...

I'm sorry for your hardship and the pain that goes with it...

IMVHO, you are far from out of the woods yet...

I before E, Intelligence before Emotions...

Lip service...I learned a great deal from lip service...actions do not match...

Well, we had a talk. I had a list of prepared questions. Told him I needed truthful honest answers, wouldn't ask anything I didn't need to know. Told him if he didn't do this, I would take it as he was not willing to work on the relationship. While he told me some things, he kept on to some things. Does he truly not remember? I just don't get how that is even possible. He did lie about a crucial fact. Though I didn't find out at that time. He also insisted there was no intercourse. I had the feeling there was more, but no real proof. I called him the next day and told him that he could think until the evening and decide if he wanted to elaborate on any answers, correct any answers or tell me anything else.

He apologized and asked me to forgive him numerous times. He cried. I know he is hurting. It isn't fun for me to have to ask him these things repeatedly. He has been telling me it was nothing since I found out in October. Tells me it has been over since then. Yet I find out yesterday that he contacted her at the end of January or the beginning of February. At the end of January, he also drove past her house with OUR child in the vehicle. What is up with that? I asked why he did that and I am supposed to accept that he doesn't know why. It is supposed to be ok because he didn't stop there. Well, he didn't because he knew the kid was going to rat you out. He claims to have called her to beg her not to tell anyone about them. Felt that I was talking to someone who was giving me information. Yeah, whatever. He claims to have called her a previous time because she asked him to check in with her and let her know how he is. How ridiculous is that? The crucial fact he lied about is oral sex. I knew this took place someone had told me. He lied about where. Why? This is just crazy. He thought I would accept it better if I didn't know he went to her house. He did tell me about having sex with her. I already knew this, though my heart was hoping it wasn't true. But he kept denying that as well. I am not proud of how I got him to admit it. I consented to sex with him and while in the act, I asked him if she felt better than I did. More tears. I just can't understand. He says that he knew I knew, but doesn't understand why I can't understand how hard it would be for him to tell me about it. Well, why can't he understand how hard it is for me to ask. He asked if I could forgive him. For the A, yeah, most likely. For leaving me struggling with this for 5 1/2 months on my own. That is the one I am having trouble with. He just kept banking on it going away. I kept telling him as long as he wasn't truthful to me there was this wedge between us. I am grieving for what we had. I am grieving for the man I thought he was. I am disappointed in him. He works with some guys who have cheated. We had talked about it. How sad for the wife to have everyone know but her, and yet he does the same thing to me. I am sad that we will never be what we were. The total disrespect he showed me. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, but I just can't say right now if that is enough to keep us together. Had this all come out right in the beginning, we may have had a better shot. Right now, I don't know. I am trying very hard not to make any rash decisions that I will regret, but it is extremely hard to fight this desire I have just to run and run very fast away. Oh, bonus! No condoms were used so I get to further humiliate myself and go to my gyne to ask for some STD screenings.

I know you all are probably thinking stupid of me to have unprotected sex with him after all this, but we already were while it was going on and I wasn't aware so does it really matter?

I know he is remorseful and I feel for him, but I also have to worry about me. I need to get myself in a better place. Need to kick myself in the [censored] some so that I can quit taking responsibility for this. The fact that this is a skanky type of woman just makes it all the more hurtful. What must he think of me if he turned to a skank? He tells me he was weak. Ok, so next time she calls, what are you going to do? All of the sudden you are going to be strong?
Emotions are just all over the place. I do feel better that most of it is out. I feel worse that he knowingly let me suffer all this time without coming clean, and I am worried about the future. If we can't talk and we can't be honest with each other, what is the sense? We have been through several scary things that can lead to divorce, the seriousness of our daughter's health condition probably the greatest, but I don't know about this. I am just so tired of tyring to fix it by myself. I am so tired of vomitting. I am so tired of nightmares, or exhaustion. I am just tired.

I have been invited to go out Friday by a friend. Not sure what I am going to do. I told her yes, but then I worry that he will think I am going to be looking for a retalitory. Then I think, well, why should I concern myself with what he is worried about? He didn't want to do anything to help me with my worries for the past 9 1/2 months.

I just really am grateful that this place exists.

Well, we had a talk. I had a list of prepared questions. Told him I needed truthful honest answers, wouldn't ask anything I didn't need to know. Told him if he didn't do this, I would take it as he was not willing to work on the relationship. While he told me some things, he kept on to some things. Does he truly not remember? I just don't get how that is even possible. He did lie about a crucial fact. Though I didn't find out at that time. He also insisted there was no intercourse. I had the feeling there was more, but no real proof. I called him the next day and told him that he could think until the evening and decide if he wanted to elaborate on any answers, correct any answers or tell me anything else.

He apologized and asked me to forgive him numerous times. He cried. I know he is hurting. It isn't fun for me to have to ask him these things repeatedly. He has been telling me it was nothing since I found out in October. Tells me it has been over since then. Yet I find out yesterday that he contacted her at the end of January or the beginning of February. At the end of January, he also drove past her house with OUR child in the vehicle. What is up with that? I asked why he did that and I am supposed to accept that he doesn't know why. It is supposed to be ok because he didn't stop there. Well, he didn't because he knew the kid was going to rat you out. He claims to have called her to beg her not to tell anyone about them. Felt that I was talking to someone who was giving me information. Yeah, whatever. He claims to have called her a previous time because she asked him to check in with her and let her know how he is. How ridiculous is that? The crucial fact he lied about is oral sex. I knew this took place someone had told me. He lied about where. Why? This is just crazy. He thought I would accept it better if I didn't know he went to her house. He did tell me about having sex with her. I already knew this, though my heart was hoping it wasn't true. But he kept denying that as well. I am not proud of how I got him to admit it. I consented to sex with him and while in the act, I asked him if she felt better than I did. More tears. I just can't understand. He says that he knew I knew, but doesn't understand why I can't understand how hard it would be for him to tell me about it. Well, why can't he understand how hard it is for me to ask. He asked if I could forgive him. For the A, yeah, most likely. For leaving me struggling with this for 5 1/2 months on my own. That is the one I am having trouble with. He just kept banking on it going away. I kept telling him as long as he wasn't truthful to me there was this wedge between us. I am grieving for what we had. I am grieving for the man I thought he was. I am disappointed in him. He works with some guys who have cheated. We had talked about it. How sad for the wife to have everyone know but her, and yet he does the same thing to me. I am sad that we will never be what we were. The total disrespect he showed me. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, but I just can't say right now if that is enough to keep us together. Had this all come out right in the beginning, we may have had a better shot. Right now, I don't know. I am trying very hard not to make any rash decisions that I will regret, but it is extremely hard to fight this desire I have just to run and run very fast away. Oh, bonus! No condoms were used so I get to further humiliate myself and go to my gyne to ask for some STD screenings.

I know you all are probably thinking stupid of me to have unprotected sex with him after all this, but we already were while it was going on and I wasn't aware so does it really matter?

I know he is remorseful and I feel for him, but I also have to worry about me. I need to get myself in a better place. Need to kick myself in the [censored] some so that I can quit taking responsibility for this. The fact that this is a skanky type of woman just makes it all the more hurtful. What must he think of me if he turned to a skank? He tells me he was weak. Ok, so next time she calls, what are you going to do? All of the sudden you are going to be strong?
Emotions are just all over the place. I do feel better that most of it is out. I feel worse that he knowingly let me suffer all this time without coming clean, and I am worried about the future. If we can't talk and we can't be honest with each other, what is the sense? We have been through several scary things that can lead to divorce, the seriousness of our daughter's health condition probably the greatest, but I don't know about this. I am just so tired of tyring to fix it by myself. I am so tired of vomitting. I am so tired of nightmares, or exhaustion. I am just tired.

I have been invited to go out Friday by a friend. Not sure what I am going to do. I told her yes, but then I worry that he will think I am going to be looking for a retalitory. Then I think, well, why should I concern myself with what he is worried about? He didn't want to do anything to help me with my worries for the past 9 1/2 months.

I just really am grateful that this place exists.

He said that he called her at the end of January because he was fearful that I had heard things and wanted to plead with her to not say anything if I called her. He said that she said that she would deny everything and if I pushed she would say that he started the whole thing. I am thinking this is a cover in case I decided to call her. Though I must admit I was leaning towards buying it, because I was aware of her being after him about 14 years ago. So I am thinking of calling her with him on the other line, telling her that she should not try to contact him and should not accept any calls from him. What do you think? Will also call her parents as well. The suggestion has been made to me to follow plan A, and I have been doing that since October without even knowing I was. I have not been disrespectful, just asking for some answers.

I know that some of you have trouble with my username. I will change it when I feel that he no longer thinks this is what I am.

are you sure they haven't seen each other?

his actions and words sound like someone who is very involved in this affair

remember MOST people in an affair will LIE

No I'm not. I was considering getting one of the boostmobile phones and then I think I am just making myself crazy.

I was thinking of having him call with me on the line and tell her don't contact me, etc., but I am worried that if he just sees this as me humiliating him, that may drive him right towards her.

Can you please break up your posts? I'm having an aweful time reading them...

I would greatly appreciate this...

First, by breaking up my posts, do you mean under seperate titles? I did do that and someone recommended I keep them under one heading.

I am more confused than ever now. Wondering if he thinks I am just really gullible. Does anyone think it is believable that they would wait 5-6 weeks before having sex?

Asked again to confirm the phone conversations. He said after I found out, he only talked to her once. I told him I was going to go to village hall to check the city's phone bills to verify and he got really nervous and called me back. Said, ok, he talked to her. Said lots of times she didn't answer him. Until Jan or Feb. I asked why he called her and he said, she asked him to let her know how he was. Ok, so why the obligation to do that? Also, so it wasn't what he told me the other day about pleading with her not to tell me. He claims there was absolutely no emotional attachment, which I think is bs too. How can you sleep with someone and not be emotional attached? Can't explain to me why he drove by her house in January. Says he doesn't know. So much bs, I don't know. Is that possible?

Having like some major anxiety attacks.