I usually post over in Recovery, but I thought I might get some more answers over here.

I am BS. When FWH cheated, he took OW to meet his parents in FL.

So, OW walks into in-laws house and sees pictures of my kids, and my wedding pictures. Apparently, according to FWH, he asked my MIL to drag out photos. So, the three of them peruse over old photos, I guess of him when he was a little boy, along with photos of me, my kids, etc.

MIL accuses me of turning our 3 kids against FWH. Kids, 17, 15, and 11 at the time, are not little babies. Saw my world and their world crumble from underneath them due to FWH's actions. And I turned them against him?

Later, they come back to town (a 2000 mile trip). FWH confused and all that crap, but leaves the OW, gets an apartment. The whole time, MIL tells FWH, NOT to come home because I will never forgive him, he won't be happy, I will rub his nose in it for the rest of his life, blah blah blah.

FWH comes home for six months, leaves again (long, ridiculous story). Was gone for three days, and in that time, MIL says to FWH--You did the right thing, honey--blah blah blah some more. Passes the phone to FWH's aunt (MIL's sister). She feeds him the same lines. FWH is in a sick emotional state.

Anyway, FWH back for four months now "fully committed."

Problem for me: MIL!!!

I am furious over her behavior in this, always telling FWH, I just want you to be "happy," honey. Leave the kids. Leave the wife. YOU are the only thing that matters.

Last week we renewed our vows. She knew about this. Didn't call, didn't send a card, didn't acknowledge in any way.

What do I do with this?

MC said I could write a letter to her, but don't sent it yet.

Ughh.

Why not? I'm tired of being the pansy here. I have refrained myself from calling/writing OW and "letting God take care of her." I have worked very hard at forgiving FWH of everything (and believe me, there is a lot).

Now I'm being asked to sit back, again?

I really need to get this off of my chest. What I have told you about MIL is only a speck of what she has pulled in the past 25 years of my marriage. And I have had ENOUGH!!

Any advice?

What do you plan to do about MIL in the future? Is she still a part of your FWH's life? Is she still part of your children's lives?

That would make a difference to me in how I would handle it.

Mys

What do I plan to do? Well, that is what I am pondering. I am furious with her beyond belief and want to let her know how I feel via a letter.

She lives 2000 miles away. FWH talks to her only in small spurts on the phone these days, which, of course, is my fault because while he was not living at home, he talked to her often. For validation, justification, all the things he needed, he was getting from her.

FWH has had a lot of well, for lack of a better word, reawakenings. And the blinders are finally off. Thus, quick little, how are you conversations. She's pissed about it, for sure.

As far the kids are concerned, they've known her all their lives and how she is. And they know most of her behavior in this. Truthfully I don't think they care one way or the other about her.

So, my plans? To get it off my chest and let the chips fall where they may.

Here is what I suggest.

If you are married to her son and she is in HIS life...then she is in your life too.

So I would not be the fool to create strife between them...I would not allow myself to be that **** scapegoat for every frustration they have withtheir adult son or his decisions.

I would be "polite".

But that's it. I don't have to like them, respect them, or spend time with them and I personally wouldn't.

I wouldn't buy gifts or send cards or talk with her on the phone...I would be polite..to the same degree I would be to a stranger on the elevator.

If she is actually RUDE or speaks badly of you then I also would not attend family functions or send my kids.

if yur H will not require his family to be respectfull to his wife then he is not a man, he's a boy..and you'll just have to accept that this is who he is with regard to them and protect yourself.

Noodle, your suggestion is pretty much what I have been doing. No phone call since June. No cards, no gifts. Nothing.

My MIL is much to cunning to be outright RUDE. She's underhanded, says things on the sly that don't seem, on the surface, to be offending. But they are. She's small-minded, nasty, and devious, but VERY underhanded about it.

H says now, that when she starts in about one thing or another, which is usually within 10 minutes of a phone conversation, he politely cuts her off.

MC is going through this with him/us--issues on mother/son enmeshment, etc.

The things is, I'm PISSED. I've done the old, "be polite" thing for more than 25 years now. Her latest stunt is more than I can bear as she partipated in trying to willfully break up my marriage.

I want to let her know how I feel.

Cotton balls at crocodiles rt..it won't go the way you wish.

Sometimes there is no satisfaction to be had.

I think it will only frustrate and further hurt you.

She's a b8tch...that's her choice. She doesn't have to love you or behave the way you want her to...all you can do is protect yourself.

I think it's good he's starting to practise extinction on her disrespect. Give it a few years and itmight start to work.

Also for consideration...you have no idea what he has been selling her all these wayward years so that he can seek validation from her. She might be very suprised to discover the truth...but she won't accept it coming from you.

rlt - Is your husband a believer? If so, it is high time he began being obedient to God and to his role as your husband. Care to hear what God has to tell him?

More importantly, does he care to hear what God has to tell him?

God bless.

"Sometimes there is no satisfaction to be had.

I think it will only frustrate and further hurt you.

She's a b8tch...that's her choice. She doesn't have to love you or behave the way you want her to...all you can do is protect yourself."

Not looking for love from that woman ... she has none to give and even if she did, I wouldn't want it from her anyway.

Don't know that I am "hurt" by her. But frustrated, YES.

rlt - Is your husband a believer? If so, it is high time he began being obedient to God and to his role as your husband. Care to hear what God has to tell him?

More importantly, does he care to hear what God has to tell him?

FH,

Husband is a "new" believer. However, his mother doesn't think much of this, telling me once while he was walking toward God, that he needed to "knock off that religious crap."

In Christian counseling, MC gave us a tape to watch by Bruce Wilkinson. It was called, Leaving and Cleaving.

An eye opener for FWH.

What say you, FH?

RLT,

Someone had it in their sig here so I am just quoting a quote.

Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I have a huge dislike for the FWW's family. Almost everysingle one of them.

They agreed with everything she said, advised her to leave me. OH and take my kids away. Blah blah blah.

I like you wanted to give them all a piece of my mind then I figured, They aren't worth it.

I will never change their way of thinking. It will not change what they did. If an apology was not forthcoming before I confront them who needs it.

My advice as hard as it is, let it go. You will not change her way of thinking. So don't waste any energy trying.

And to paraphrase Mulan (I think) "Your pain means nothing to your FWH's MIL"

Oh, and Noodle, I'm ALREADY the scapegoat -- have been for more than 25 years!

Frog, sorry to hear you had/have the same situation.

I don't want to argue with her. I really want to just say my piece, just ONCE. Get it out of my system and move on.

That's all I want.

LOL...whew..had a good laugh remembering all the times I have tried fruitlessly to say my piece while being dissed and dismissed.

Has it ever worked for you?

rltraveled

Your MIL sounds like a real trial. Kudos to you for handling her with grace for 25 years.


Everything you've written about her indicates that she would only use it as ammunition against you. Don't give her the ammunition.

Then get it out of your system by writing it all down. But don't send it. You already know that nothing you write will have any impact on her.

I get that you're seeking relief for this overwhelming sense of frustration you feel towards your MIL. I really do sympathize. But I just don't think you're going to get the relief you need by doing what you want to do. So what are some other things you can do to diffuse this frustration? How do you diffuse frustration in other circumstances?

RLT,

I know what you are saying. My SIL tries not to call when I am around but once she called and I was and my FWW wasn't.

I usually just let it go to VM but my YS picked up the phone.

I wanted to unload on her something fierce. But then I said even if I was absolutely right she would obviously just think "See he is the idiot I told my sister he was."

So I like to just sit back and know I am a great person and telling her so will do me no good.

Telling her she is an idiot won't do me any good. I mean really it would be a waste of oxygen and I really don't want to waste it on her.

curious,

How do I diffuse frustration?

How 'bout a pack a smokes a day!!

Something I turned to with this whole sitch. Shame on me!

Seriously, though, I came to understand, as far as OW was concerned, that spewing to HER would get me nowhere, and that it really didn't matter because she is not a part of my life.

I can't, however, throw MIL over the wayside (or can I?).

In a way, you're right. Anything I say to her, she will deny, or justify. She will never admit wrong.

But, that is not my aim. I know this about her. So it's just not my aim.

Enough is enough. No reaction she would have to my sending the letter would hurt me. She can't hurt me because I really don't give a hoot about her.

She once told a friend of mine that she thought I was "afraid" of her. Why? Because I never say anything, I just let her walk all over me.

I want to let her know that I am NOT afraid of her, and she can't stomp on me anymore.

Yes. MIL is a REAL trial.

I would make it clear to your H you have no intention of surrounding your self with people that don't care for you. His mom included.

I always say that just because I am related to someone doesn't mean I have to like them.

So if she treats you in a way that is not ok then you have every right to not want to associate with her.

I really understand what you are saying. My point is simple it won't do any good.

She can't stomp on you if you don't let her.

An idiots opinion of me is irrelevant. LOL.

Hey, just a hypothetical question for the moms and dads out there: Supposing your adult married son of 25 years comes traipsing up your door with some bimbo he met on the internet, "He mom and dad--meet the new woman!" Meanwhile, DIL and grandchildren home, reeling.

What would you do?

I would kick him so hard he would eventually begin to wonder how long before he will land. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kick his @$$ and send the OW packing. That's what I'd do.