I just stumbled upon this site after reading that the people in the forums were very helpful. So, I thought I would give it a shot.

I have a terrible quandary that I desperately need some help and advice with – I apologize about the length in advance. I have been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old daughter. Ever since the birth of our daughter, my wife has been in a near constant state of depression. After a year of being a stay at home mom, she decided that she didn’t like that way of life and wanted to return to school to get her Master’s degree and start working again. We rearranged our lives and moved closer to her parents (to help with childcare) while she returned to school. This still didn’t get her out of her funk. When I would talk to her about it, she would say that it was the demands of being a mother, not having any time for herself, and the general stress of life. I didn’t know what to do to help her other than try to take as much burden as I could off of her and give her a little time to indulge in her hobbies.

Last December, she wanted to take a trip by herself so that she could unwind and do the things she wanted to do without any interruption. I thought it was an odd request, but at the time, I didn’t see any harm in it. When she returned, she sits me down and tells me that she wants to leave me and wants a divorce. Needless to say, I was completely taken aback. I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider and stay, but she felt firm in her decision. She also told me that she met up with an old male friend that she recently reconnected with on the internet and admitted to an affair. She told me that her decision had been a long time coming, and that it wasn’t just her affair that sealed the deal.

We’ve always been a great match for one another – we’ve always had great respect for each other, rarely argue, always agreed on how to raise our daughter, and have been in general great friends. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was far from a disaster – our sex lives, for one, had fallen off a bit since our child was born due to being tired and getting mired in the day to day.

That being said, I begged and pleaded with her to stay. I set up marriage counseling, which she reluctantly agreed to, but she bailed out of it after two sessions. She’s conflicted me with various reasons for wanting to leave – she first told me it was because I ignored her for the last two years and refused counseling when she suggested it(which is untrue, and she later admitted this), then she told me it was because she never really loved me and married me because she thought I’d make a good husband and father. Then she told me that she once loved me romantically, but now she doesn’t. Although she says it isn’t so, I am positive that this other guy that she’s had the affair with is clouding her outlook. Back when this all started, I asked her to stop seeing this person so that we could get some benefit out of counseling, but she refused.

I know that is a large setup, but here is where I need help. She says that she just wants a separation, and not necessarily a divorce, right now so that she can “figure things out on her own”. I interpret this as “See if things work out with this other guy and if they don’t, I'll come back”. Even though I love her more than anything and it breaks my heart for her to walk away, I can’t accept that. I told her that, although I don’t want to do this, if she leaves I will file for divorce under grounds of adultery. If she didn’t like that route, I would accept just a separation (living apart) so that she can “figure things out” only if she would (1) Agree to real marriage counseling, and (2) Cease contact with this other person. Does this seem like sound reasoning? What should I do – proceed with the divorce and hope she snaps out of it, or give her just the separation that she wants and wait for her?

I love my wife with all of my heart. That’s why it is killing me to go through this. She says that she doesn’t love me romantically anymore. How can love just die like that? Could I have been married to someone for 7 years that didn’t love me and just not known it? She also says that she can’t be with me as long as she is enamored with this other guy. She admitted that this other guy is probably bad for her and that they are complete opposites, yet she is compelled to be with him. I asked her to explain to me the bond between them, and all she says is “You’ll just think I’m crazy and won’t believe me”. She alluded to some rare supernatural bond that is impossible to explain but she’s never experienced it before. I can’t live with that kind of explanation.

I’m lost without her – I know that I shouldn’t put up with her treating me this way, but I love her and I think that keeping our family together is the best thing. But I only want her to stay with me because she wants to, not because she has to. She also has a history of being impulsive and not sticking with anything for very long (she hasn’t held a job more than a year). I get sick when I think of being apart from her, yet I can’t live playing second best to someone else on her mind. I’ve talked with counselors, my friends, her family, but no one seems to be able to help me. What do I do? Help me please… Thank you in advance for any advice.

dd

Welcome to MB. It's a wonderful site except for the reason we are all here. Sorry you have to be here too.

So let's see.

Everything you've written here is from the wayward spouse's(WS) script. It's classic. And 99% of the people here have been there and heard it before. Take a breath.

Basically all A are the same. USUALLY a couple is somewhat withdrawn from eachother and the WS has some of their EMOTIONAL NEEDS (EN) met by someone else. But most of the time, not all ENs. (That's why she doesn't want a D right now. She wants to cake eat. Ya know..have it both ways.)

You are meeting some of her needs so she doesn't want to leave. That's good.

You need to learn about A's. Read this site as much as possible.Read up on Plan A and B.

Have you exposed the A to her family? Do you know who the other man (OM) is? Is he married? If so, exposing to his spouse is paramount. Try to find this out. The most helpful way to end an A is through exposure. See the A is exciting and is a fantasy until it's burned up by the light of day. Kind of like cockroaches running to hide from a light. Suddenly when it's out in the open it's not so glamourous anymore. It's hideous. And yes your WW(wayward wife) will not be happy about it, but your M can survive her anger, but not her A.

More experts will chime in here and give you more advice. Hang on. Take heart also....all WS rewrite your marital history. They'll blame you for things and say hurtful things. Like I said...classic. I would not trust a word she said at this point. Actions only.

Lastly, know that your M can recover from this. The A needs to end with complete no contact (NC) with the OM. Then the hard work will need to be done. You'll need to realize that you are not to blame for her A in any way, but you had a part in the M prior. Figure out your part in its problems and work on those.

(((((dd))))))
Take care and keep reading.

I suggest reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs.

dd,

This is text book affair speak. My lovely (now EX WW, we didn't make it) EX WW said the same things for about two or months before I figured out she was having an affair at the workplace. We had just had a baby too (7 mos. old when she started having an affair with a serial cheater at work) and she had gone back to work full time for the first time in three years. We didn't argue, respected one another, kissed every morning and night, passed I love yous, made plans for the future, loved our children, made well over 6 figures, had no debt, loving parents and in laws, friends galore, Christians, I was a Sunday school teacher, she was in the choir, vacation bible school, etc. but when she started the affair she said the same things your WW is now saying so this is not unusual

I will be back with more advice later but Michelle gives you a good jumping off point. Read, read, read, here and listen.

Thanks for the response. The other man she is involved with is single (never married), is in the military, and lives two states away. My wife understands that the likelyhood of them working out is remote at best, because she can't move from here and be away from her child. He still has 20 years of service to put in before retiring from the military. Yet she still clings to him. She calls him every night (and runs up our wireless bills). She says that she doesn't have the strength to break it off with him.

She admits that she's being thoughtless and a "******", but it still isn't enough motivation for her to break it off with him and work on things with me. What puts another cog in the system is that she says that she's not sure that she wants to be married. She wants time alone to fend for herself (we married just as graduated from college, so she's never lived on her own and taken care of herself). Maybe I'm just being overprotective and trying to cut out the middle man - I see the ultimate trajectory, and I'm just trying to save her from making mistakes that she'll later regret.

dd,

So sorry you are in this toilet. But feel blessed that God has led you to MB. It was, and continues to be my anchor through this mess.

Yes, read every article on this website.

I know you think your situation is somehow unique, but it's NOT. I have read more stories on here, just like yours, than I care to remember. I have also lived through it. Classic--textbook--script. Whatever you want to call it. Affairs are just about all the same. So, when she spews her stuff at you, pay no attention. It's all a load of BS. It's the Devil's work. That's all it is.

Everyone here will help you.

oh she'll regret this alright.

Do you know what unit the OM is in? I would not hesitate in your case to expose to his CO.

The OW in my sitch was also in the military. The A ended right after DDay, but she continued to try to keep contact with my H. Everyone here kept telling me to go to her CO. I didn't. A year and a half later she punctured H's tires and trespassed on our boat (I installed surveillance cameras). We had her arrested. Now she's under investigation with the military. I think if I had gone when these wise MBers had told me, she would have left us alone much sooner.

So my advice.....find his CO and expose.

Right now she is totally addicted to this A, and it's not really OM that she's addicted to, it's HOW SHE FEELS when she's with him. Something is missing in HER. You'll come to realize in a bit that her A is not about him and it's not about YOU, it's about her.

This time alone stuff is also bogus. It's just time for her to carry on with her A without you bothering her about it. She's totally selfish and feels entitled to this A. IT'S ALL ABOUT HER.

dd
Hiker just posted this thread on romantic affairs. It's very helpful.

Romantic Affairs Revisited

I know it's all about her. She's even admitted that she's being selfish and not thinking of anyone but herself. I want her back, but I don't know that letting her go to see if it works out with this other guy is the right/fair thing to do. She has been living at home since her announcement nearly 4 months ago, because she has no where else to go. She finishes school in May, and asked me if she could stay until she found a job and had the means to move out. We sleep in separate bedrooms. I already feel taken advantage of - I don't know how much more I can bear.

Her steadfastness hasn't wavered in 4 months, so I've lost hope in many ways. But then again, she hasn't had to live without me, my finacial support, or my daughter 50% of the time. If she comes back, how do I know her motives are sincere.

I have also thought about contacting the other guy's CO. The only reason that I haven't it because I'm afraid it would further drive a wedge between my wife and I. I've gone 4 months without giving her a single reason to hate or be angry with me (which in turn, kinda angers her) - I'm afraid of blowing that stretch.

yeah, time alone stuff, "I need space," all BOGUS. They just want to make the A more convenient, and they don't want YOU butting in on it.

I know you want to "save" her from making mistakes. But believe me, you can't. She'll have to be a big girl now, a figure it out for herself. And she WILL regret it. And she will have consequences.

It's a horrible road you're going down, and sometimes, you can do nothing but sit, and watch the destruction.

Sad, but true.

Sounds like you have done an instinctive plan A. And you are meeting alot of her ENs. But he is meeting a few too, maybe her top ones.


By exposing to her CO, he would be ordered to cease contact. The military has their own form of a restraining order that can be implemented by his CO. He could even face some charges. Too bad for him.

dd,
you are in for the battle of your life. You are fighting for your family. It's not going to be easy.

Have you read about plan A?

Could you possibly call Dr Harley for some advice and a plan? He's the real expert here.


This is what Harley says:

What are Plan A and B?

How would I go about finding his CO? I know what branch of the service he is in and where he is stationed, but not much else.

Should I consider the reprecussions of reporting him? While it would cut off the affair (which I want), it would make my wife hostile towards me. Which is the lesser of two evils - report him, cut off the source, and hope my wife comes back to her senses or wait it out and hope she comes to her senses?

Can you find out his name? I'm sure we could do a call out for some military on here to help. Mortarman's a good one on that.

Your WW will be HOSTILE. You can bet on it. She will threaten to leave you cause you just blew it all. She will yell and scream. It will not be pretty. Let it all bounce off of you.

You CAN survive that hostility. But your M cannot survive the affair.

And if and when the fog lifts, she will probably be thankful for the bravery you displayed. How you fought for her and your child. She will respect that in the end.

If you try to wait it out, it may not end before a D takes place.

Exposure to his CO is a powerful tool. Use it if you can.

I know the guy's name, his email address, his Myspace page, and his address. All I'm missing is who to report him to.

Also, what happens if I report him now and she files for separation? Will the restraining order be lifted?

What branch of the military is he in?

It's time for you to stand up for yourself. Don't be afraid of her. What else can she do to you? Who cares if exposing will piss her off. That's what you want. It shows that what you are doing is working.

Do some spying and dig up some intel on this affair. If she has been doing it online, by some keylogging software to hack into her account and get some more proof other than what she told you. She will deny what she said to you if you expose to others. Tell your WW that you want to save your M, but that you will no longer be a doormat. If she refuses NC, and you have your proof, EXPOSE! Find the OM's CO. I don't care how hard you have to look, this is your marriage we are talking about. Hire a PI if you have to. Plenty of people on this board will assist you. Expose to ALL her family and friends. Tell them that you are exposing because you are trying to save your M, and keep your family together, and this is the only way you think you can get her to end her affair. They'll understand. She will flip, but this is common, and the anger fades after a few weeks. Don't even talk divorce with her. If she wants to bring it up, tell her to get her lawyer to call your lawyer. Do not move out, do not enable her financially to move out, and do not let her take the kids. If she wants to leave, SHE can set it up. You don't help.

THEN, use your spy software, to block out his email, myspace, and text messaging. Delete every trace of him that you have. Dig through her stuff and get rid of all contact info. Block his phone number and email address. Monitor your cell phone bill, and if she calls him, shut it off. Your WW has lost ALL respect for you - here is where you earn it back. Stand up for yourself. Don't be afraid.

DD, you need to get yourself organized here and then start to work. Click on the link in my signature area below about organizing a marital recovery, okay? It'll give you an idea of where to start.

Military installations maintain a function that is called the "Base Locator" in the Air Force. (I'm retired AF) I don't know what it's called in the Army or the other services, but they'll surely have it. It'll take a little sifting through one phone number to another, but you'll come up with the base locator sooner or later. Once you get to the base operator, you're home free.

Don't forget to try finding information on the OM by using a simple Google search. You'd be surprised what turns up sometimes.

Once you find this OM's unit of assignment, tell his commander the man is engaging in inappropriate conduct by reviving an adulterous affair with your wife and you need his (the cmdr's) assistance ending it.

Nothing your wife has said is in the least new to folks here on MB. They all say exactly the same things so do your best to not let it bother you.

I saw something you said about exposure making the wedge between you greater. Just exactly how can your situation GET any worse, pardner? Right now she's leaving and giving her loyalty to another man. It isn't going to get any worse than that, though she will be absolutely furious when her adultery comes out of the shadows and she has to deal with it in the full light of day.

Hang in there, pardner. It'll get worse before it gets better, but if you use Dr. Harley's principles as he wrote them in Surviving An Affair, there IS a chance to repair the damage to your marriage.

I want to thank everyone for the responses. The problem I'm having is that everyone already knows that she is having an affair. She hasn't been discreet about it. She's told everyone that she's decided to move on, and although it makes her look bad, she hasn't hidden her affair from friends or family.

She is graduating in a month, and her full intentions are to move out once she has a job. She wants to leave and try out life on her own. She has found a roommate through Roomate.com and I've found emails asking the potential roommate if it was okay to have her "boyfriend" over on weekends.

Her "boyfriend" is in the Navy. He is stationed at the one of the Naval bases around Norfolk or Chesapeake VA. I have phone records and emails that prove the existence of their affair outside of her admittance. Does anyone know if the restraining order will stick once she has left and filed for separation? She's tried to get a separation once, but they wouldn't grant it because she was living at home.

Edit: I talked to her again this morning about our situation, and probably experience the textbook reaction. She got angry and said it was "her and not me" and that she doesn't want to work on the marriage and that she wants out. She said that she wasn't sure that she believed in the institution of marriage and that she didn't want to give up her relationship with her boyfriend. She also told me that's she's already accepted the fact that she's a "selfish ******".

What about your daughter? Is she going to take her with her? Don't let her. I think it is time to get tough now. Call the CO NOW! Your time is running out. Expose her to the stick of plan A. Get an attorney today, and protect your finances. Let her move out and be selfish, and she probably might lose primary custody of your child. It is time to get tough.

Also, what she is saying is typical fogspeak. Find OM's CO, cut this affair in the balls right now, and she might be singing a different tune in a few months. You need to expose to OM's CO TODAY! Find him NOW!

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