Post deleted by MicheleG

dd,

I honestly don't know if the RO will stick if she gets a separation. But I would still try to get to his CO before she does file for a LSA. Do it today!

If that doesn't end the A you will have to keep going. You can't force her to stay. So I would plan A my butt off for the last month that she is home. No LBs (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands, or anything else she would think is an LB at this point). I would not talk about your R. I would show her the best you. This is when you also work on yourself like never before. Be the kind of person that any decent individual would want to be with. You want her to remember you in this light. When she thinks about what she left behind, this is the great man she will see. You can continue this plan even after she leaves, but it's harder. There is definitely a time frame to continue plan A. I believe Harley says six months max (but I would have to check that). You say you've been in a "plan A" for the last 4 months? It would be about right.

When you get to a point, a mindset, where you can go dark (end all contact with her, except for dealings with your child which would need to be done by an intermediary that you determine), then you go into plan B. You take control and take back the power.

I'm no expert on that. I never had to go into plan B.

See plan A alone most of the time doesn't work. The WS has it too good. You're meeting her needs and the OP is meeting her needs. She's loving it. She's sitting on the fence watching everyone tend to her every whim. So why would she want to change that? That's where she is right now. So the idea is to take YOU out of that equation. The OP won't be able to meet all of her needs. He will fail. She will see him for who he really is. When it gets bad enough, she will see the destruction that she has caused. The A will end.

Only when HER pain is great enough, when the fantasy crumbles, that's when it will dawn on her the damage she has done. Plan B lets her get there. It also helps you to protect your love for her. After watching her and OP from the sideline, your pain and resentment will get the best of you if it already hasn't. You protect that love and go dark. She doesn't get her fix of you. You basically let her go.

I know it's easier said than done. There are many people here who have done the plans to the letter. And they have R their M's. Right now there are several off the top of my head that I could name that are in plan B. You can just look at some of the threads. I know the poster Mimi has been there and is one of the experts in plan B. We could call out to her and gets some advice. But I think you are going to have to go there.

Expose to the CO now. The OM will feel some of the consequences which may be enough for him to end it. If not you need to finish up with a stellar plan A and then go into plan B. You need to be proactive.

And yes I would definitely contact your lawyer. YOU should get custody of your child, not her. She is not a responsible individual right now. It's all about her. Your child is NOT HER PRIORITY right now, the A is. YOU need to protect you child.

It seems she's taking the "best defence is a good offence" approach to defending her A behaviour. My suggestion? This only makes it easier for you to gather evidence and expose to the persons that CAN make a significant difference, like the OM's CO.

My question to you though - do you REALLY want to recover your M with someone like her? I can't imagine what it might be like living with someone who took a "wrong but strong" approach to dealing with the consequences of her bad behaviour.

DD,

Send me all the info you have to email addee found on my profile.

JKT

I will not be able to read private email till I get home this evening "Navy blocks private email access". Then I will have access to the material when I return to work Monday.

JKT

"Threadjack"

Hi Michele, I got a chuckle reading your emphasis on exposure to the CO... Sounds familiar <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I often wonder why I keep trying with her. Everyone - my family, friends, counselor, even her family - tells me that I would probably be better off without her. She has borderline severe depression issues, and although she hasn't been diagnosed, I believe she may either be bi-polar or have a borderline personality.

I have spoken to a lawyer about possibly filing for divorce; he feels like I have enough information to prove adultery if I chose that route. I have thought about the custody issue - after talking with the lawyer, I could most likely get primary custody if I chose to. But given the nature of my wife and her input into my daughters life, I couldn't in good conscience take custody away from her. I have discussed this with her in the last few weeks - she would agree with joint/shared/50/50 custody (whatever you want to call it). If she gave me any indication that she would be either a poor or irresponsible mother, then I wouldn't consider this option. But since she's generally a good mother and loves our daughter, I feel like this is the best approach to keep our daughter equally in our lives.

The thing that I don't understand is my wife knows that she's making a bad decision. She knows that thing most likely won't work out with this other man. She knows that her family and friends will have a difficult time forgiving her. She knows that her quality of life will suffer when she leaves (she'll only make about 1/3 of what I make and won't be privy to alimony if I file under grounds of adultery).

Shes knows these things and still wants to leave. She keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with me - it's all her. Even though I think a lot of it is true, I still can't help but feel like some part of it is because of me. I feel like living with me is so bad that she wants out even though her life will be ****** after she leaves. I don't get it - I've always been nothing but good to her and given her the freedom to go to school and chase her dreams. Now that she's getting out - she wants to walk away.

Maninmotion - to answer your question, she's always been tough to live with. She's very moody, has random outbursts, and sometimes has thought little of demeaning me in front of my friends and family. But she does have a lot of redeeming qualities, also - we have great intellectual talks, she's been supportive of my hobbies in the past, and is a good mother. The thing is, I don't know if I love her or just love who she used to be.

do not discuss custody with a wayward

it can come back to bite you in the [censored] later

discuss marriage recovery with the wayward and meet EN where possible

everything else, use an attorney or a MC or a counselor

DD,

I am a former Army inspector general. I had to investigate these things all the time.

If you know where this scumbag is based and his name, then go online and search for that base. There will be a base website. Then search for the JAG office. Have all of your waterfowl coaxially aligned. What I mean by that is have your phone records showing them talking, pictures, ILY emails, etc. Try to have proof of the affair, as much as possible. It will make it easier for JAG to slam this worthless POC.

Believe me, he will be brought before the commander and he will be ordered to cease and desist all contact with your wife. The heat will be turned up!! That is the great thing about your OM being in the military. If he continues to contact your wife, he will go to jail (the brig!). Which is where I would love to send all OPs!!!

This "Sailor" does not deserve to wear the uniform. He has no honor. There are men and women next to him counting on him to do the honorable thing always. And he is incapable of doing so. He needs to leave my military!

Report this scumbag immediately! He will have heat come down on him, he will see that being with your wife aint worth it! And he will dump her like a hot potato.

Sure, your wife will be mad. All addicts are mad when you take the crack pipe away!

Your marriage can survive anger....it canot survive continued adultery.

And what is this about not taking your daughter away from your wife right now??? Your wife is NOT a good mom right now. Until she gets her head extracted from her nether regions, the best thing for your daughter is to protect her from your wife.

dd,

If she is often depressed and perhaps boarder line Bi polar, YOU should have primary custody. You can be as generous as you wish with visitation and such, but you really really want to have custody to protect your child.

You really don't want your child in this situation and not have control of things IF your W gets worse.

Pep is right, this stuff you discuss with your lawyer. The marriage you discuss with your W.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If you know the base your W's OM is assigned to you simply pick up the phone and ask the base locator to connect you with the CO of ******. If they ask you why? You say it is private and important. The can find out his duty assignment, and the CO of that outfit.

Do it.

As usual, JL said it better than I did!

As far as the bi-polar and other problems, these can be addressed and treated once she hits rock bottom and realizers that SHE has a PROBLEM. It is your God-given duty as a husband to stand by, protect, and care for your W in good times and in bad. There will be an opportunity to treat her problems in the future, so she can be the best mother and wife possible. They have medicine for everything these days. The first task at hand, however, it breaking up her affair.