For the benefit of some of the recent visitors to MB, here is some information I've gathered about "romantic" affairs, the first version of which appeared here some months ago.

You find yourself in a horrible situation. It’s something you never thought would happen to you or your marriage. Your spouse has been cheating on you and lying to you. You finally uncovered it, and the knowledge is ripping you apart inside. And if that isn’t bad enough, your discovery of your spouse’s affair isn’t the end of it; he/she won’t stop seeing their affair partner (known on this site as the OP, other person; OM, other man; or OW, other woman).

Most experts in marriage counseling agree that there are several different types of affairs, but this post will deal with the “romantic” type. In this type of affair, the wandering or wayward spouse (WS) has crossed a boundary and “fallen in love” with an affair partner (OP, other person). What makes this affair so difficult to deal with is that it is emotionally driven. The “in love” state is often so powerful that the WS may be willing to sacrifice the marriage and just about everything else to pursue it.

Some characteristics of a romantic affair are:

a. The WS refuses to end it.
b. The WS most often refuses to seek counseling either individually or as a couple.
c. The WS has little or no concern for the effect this has on his/her family.
d. The WS believes they have found his/her soulmate.
e. The WS re-writes your marital history in a way that tries to justify the affair.
f. The WS is quite prepared to make sacrifices to maintain the affair that no rational person would consider. These may include divorce, loss of friendships, estrangement of relatives, and/or ruining his/her financial well-being.

Think of the classic situation of a teenage love affair where one teen has been told that the person they are dating and in love with is using him or her or is demonstrably bad for them. Have you ever seen such a teen take anyone’s advice and stop seeing this lover? It’s rare, because one’s emotions corrupt any attempt at clear thinking. This is what happens in romantic affairs. It is a powerful fantasy relationship in which the partners may idealize each other and bond in a way that makes everything else in their lives seem insignificant by comparison. If your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair and agrees to break it off, you are extremely lucky.

There are several very good books which can help you deal with your situation. Among the best are Dr. Frank Pittman’s Private Lies; Dr. Shirley Glass’ Not Just Friends; Dr. James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis, and all the books by Dr. Willard Harley.

From the point of view of a betrayed spouse (BS), one’s spouse having an affair appears to be a rejection of you in favor of someone else. This can be a devastating blow to your self-esteem. You hear things like the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” and other statements along similar lines. You are shocked that this person who pledged to love you through thick and thin or until “death do us part” has suddenly forgotten that commitment or decided to revoke it without advance notice. (Chances are your spouse never talked about a marital crisis or separation or divorce before the affair.) They don’t want to work on the marriage, and you don’t understand why. They latch onto any events in your past in which you had a disagreement with them, no matter how rare or insignificant they seem, as evidence of your incompatibility. They won’t go to counseling, or if they do, they sabotage the counselor’s efforts and then tell you “I told you it wouldn’t work!” They won’t stop the affair, even though you can point out a dozen practical reasons for stopping it and fixing the marriage. They are not concerned about the children, after all, “they’ll adapt.” Your joint personal finances are jeopardized because the pursuit of love is more important than worrying about money or mortgages or credit card bills. Your wandering spouse’s family and friends may turn against you too. You don’t know what they’ve been told, but it’s a safe bet that they’ve been given a laundry list of grievances against you, while carefully leaving out the details of how they lied, cheated, and deceived you to pursue their affair. Of course, all those things were justified because you weren’t a good spouse, and this new person in their life is their true soulmate.

You’re angry, upset, and depressed. You fluctuate between these emotions while trying to make sense of it all. But you can’t make sense of it because infidelity is not a sensible act. In fact, much of what your spouse does seems self-destructive; that is because it is self-destructive, and if you are not careful your spouse will destroy you, too.

What can you do when you discover that your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair? Well, according to Pittman:

“I advise spouse’s who are waiting for their mate’s romance to end: don’t try to out-romance a romantic. Don’t bother to arouse jealousy. Don’t try to get your partner’s attention, increase your partner’s guilt, or threaten some kind of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time.”

Glass offers no solution to the WS who refuses to stop the affair.

Only Dr. Harley offers a plan for dealing with a spouse who is unwilling to stop the affair (see Plan A and Plan B on the MB website). But even Dr. Harley acknowledges that affairs of this nature are extremely difficult to break. They are often characterized as addictions, because they share many of the self-destructive traits that are visible among alcoholics and drug addicts. Most affairs will have to “burn out,” that is, they run their course until the romance fades and reality intrudes to destroy the fantasy. Unfortunately, this very often doesn’t happen until a lengthy separation between husband and wife occurs, or in some cases, after a divorce.

Here are some things to consider:

1. The affair is not your fault. No matter what the state of the marriage prior to the affair, no one forces the WS to have the affair, and having the affair is clearly not a solution to marital problems. (Click this link: It's Not Your Fault) It’s very important that you avoid beating yourself up over this situation, not only for your own well-being but also because your frame of mind can help or hinder your chances of recovering your marriage.

2. It is a myth that affairs don’t occur in good marriages. People in good marriages DO have affairs. Dr. Pittman says the following:

"Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones."

Or Dr. Shirley Glass:

"When people marry, they bring almost mythic assumptions to the union, including these: If we love each other, you will not cheat on me; if we have a good marriage, we will be safe from infidelity. The truth is that not every person who is unfaithful is unhappily married."

You probably know someone who loves their wife or husband and claims to have a good marriage, but still can’t turn down an opportunity for a sexual encounter with someone else. This is especially true of philandering men. There are other reasons why people engage in affairs that have nothing to do with the marriage itself; self-esteem issues, depression, sexual addictions, midlife crises, etc.

3. Don’t take the affair personally. This is not a rejection of you; this is simply a bad choice by your partner who most likely tried to hide the affair from you because they didn’t want to lose you.

4. The OP is not necessarily more attractive or sexier than the betrayed spouse (BS). Most of the time the affair partner is no better in bed than the BS, it’s just that the intense emotional involvement makes it seem so, especially for women. Ironically, the OP is often chosen more for his/her incompatibility with the WS than for any similarities; the greater the differences, the more intense the relationship. Remember, this isn’t about physical attractiveness or sexual prowess, it’s about brain chemistry – the same brain chemistry that fuels addictions to things like drugs, porn, and alcohol.

5. Not all affairs result in divorce. Most statistics indicate that, of couples who seek counseling for having marital problems due to an affair, between 80 and 85% reconcile. These statistics refer to all types of affairs; there is good reason to believe that reconciliation in romantic affairs occurs at a much lower success rate. Pittman found that only about half of his patients whose marriages were damaged by a romantic-type affair were saved. In Pittman’s experience most of the couples who divorced after an affair did so because of the steadfast refusal of the WS to stop the affair.

6. Nearly all affairs end, usually within two years or less. Even when the affairees marry each other, only 25% of them are still together after 5 years. Pittman found that five years after the revelation of an affair, most WSs were back with their marriage partner.

7. In romantic affairs, it is usually a waste of time to try to talk the WS into stopping the affair, working on the marriage, or getting counseling, but it won’t hurt to try once or twice when you first uncover the affair. Don’t expect the WS to be sensible or practical.

8. Although it goes against Dr. Harley’s advice, it may be a bad idea to assume responsibility for marital problems at the time of discovery of a romantic affair. That’s because the WS is looking for justification for the affair and by assuming responsibility for any marital problems, real or imagined, you are inadvertently giving your spouse an excuse for his/her actions. No attempt to solve marital problems will work while the affair continues. Stop the affair first, then talk about marital problems and their solution.

9. Don’t beg for a second chance or promise to change in an attempt to persuade your WS to stop the affair or prevent separation or divorce. This doesn’t work. Don’t allow what love your WS has for you to be turned into pity. Keep a bold front, even if it is only a façade and you are crumbling inside.

10. It is the WS who most often files for divorce. Interestingly, Dr. Pittman says there is almost always a point when the WS makes an attempt to return to the BS, even after the divorce occurs, (although you may not recognize the attempt for what it is, and it may come as a result of the WS’s desire to assure themselves of your continued love).

11. Don’t be surprised if your WS claims all sorts of marital problems that you had no idea existed. The creation and/or gross exaggeration of marital problems is part of the process of transferring guilt of the affair to you or the marriage. It is an attempt by the WS to rationalize what cannot be excused. Does the WS believe what he/she says about the marriage? The power of self-deception is often proportional to the guilt one would be forced to endure without it; WSs often believe their own lies and some never come to grips with the truth.

12. If your WS has had multiple romantic affairs, it may be that they are in love with the idea of being in love. These people are very often not suitable for marriage and will bounce from relationship to relationship until their dying day. You may want to bail out of this marriage or be prepared to spend a lot of money on a psychiatrist.

13. Although you may be desirous of saving your marriage, it is best to prepare for the worst. Seek legal advice about your possible divorce and custody issues. Do whatever is necessary to prevent the WS from destroying your financial resources along with your marriage.

For those of you looking for quick and easy solutions, there are none. Dr. Harley recommends exposure (telling any friends, family, or co-workers who might be able to influence the WS to stop the affair) as a method of accelerating the demise of an affair, but generally speaking, there are three possible outcomes even if you follow Dr. Harley’s Plan A/B:

A. The affair continues, a divorce ensues, and the affairees live together happily ever after. (This is very rare.)

B. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, but either the WS or BS or both refuse to reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be directly proportional to the length of the affair.)

C. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, the WS and BS reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be inversely proportional to the length of the affair.)

I hope this helps some of you who arrive daily on this forum. There are a lot of good folks here offering fine advice coming from first-hand experience.

Remember that you are not alone.

What can you do?

Let’s assume you are certain that your spouse is having an affair. You have sufficient evidence. You’ve confronted him/her with it. He/she initially denies it, but he/she now accepts that you know.

You might have thought that discovering the affair was enough to stop it, but that rarely happens with romantic affairs. The reaction of the WS to discovery can vary. Oddly enough, the very fact that you discovered your spouse’s infidelity can suddenly make you the enemy. Why is that? Because you have become a threat to your spouse’s love affair, and anyone or anything that threatens that relationship becomes the enemy.

Your spouse may say he/she has ended it. Your spouse may even have tried to end it, but can’t. The attraction is too strong. It’s exciting, exhilarating, like few things can be. Your spouse feels an intimacy with the affair partner that he/she may never have felt with you or anyone else. But it’s a false intimacy based on the fact that the two of them actually share a deeply held secret: the affair itself and the lies and the deception which have kept it hidden from everyone else. It gives them an us-against-the-world mentality that actually invites them to make sacrifices for their “love” to reinforce the feeling of “how can something be wrong when it feels so right?”

The relationship relies largely on fantasy. The players can “project” their notion of the ideal lover on each other and maintain it because the affair exists in the narrow confines of their relationship; there is no work to do, no children to take care of, no dirty dishes or laundry to wash, no house to clean, no responsibility of any kind; nothing but their romantic adventures together. Of course, such a relationship cannot be sustained indefinitely since reality eventually seeps its way into the mix.

Now that you have an idea of what you are up against, what specific actions can you take to save your marriage?

First, as Strother Martin’s character says in Cool Hand Luke, “You’ve got to get your mind right.” Saving your marriage is going to be a long, difficult process, with lots of ups and downs; mostly downs. It will demand extraordinary patience. Even though you have the right to be angry, you must avoid what Dr. Harley calls lovebusters. Any negative behavior on your part will merely confirm your spouse’s belief that it is your marriage that ought to end, not the affair.

Try this on for size: Start thinking of your spouse as suffering from a temporary mental illness. If you can do this you will be able to take everything your spouse says with a grain of salt, realizing that it has little or no value. You will be able to dismiss hurtful comments like, “I never really loved you,” or “I am finally feeling true love for the very first time.” It will also keep you from trying to beg, plead, or reason with your spouse or make them feel guilty in order to change their behavior. None of those methods will work. Instead, your first course of action will put you in the business of selling yourself, and a good salesman never takes no for an answer.

Plan A.

The basic idea of Plan A is to show your spouse just how could your marriage could be. You try to meet your spouse’s emotional needs. (Actually, your spouse will not normally permit you to meet all his/her needs, but meet as many as you can as best you can.) Eliminate arguments and disrespectful judgments.

You’ll also need to answer some troubling questions. Here are a few:

“Why should I try to recover a marriage with someone who is capable of this level of treachery and dishonesty? Isn’t this a clear indicator that I misjudged my spouse’s character?”

Consider this: Your spouse tried to keep the affair secret through lies and deception because he/she wanted two things; he/she wanted to pursue their attraction to this other person while at the same time holding on to you. Once your spouse became emotionally entangled with the other person the desire to stay with you weakened, and the desire to hold on to you out of love may have been slowly replaced by the desire to avoid hurting you. As to character, you might be surprised at how often people who are normally thought of as being of high moral character fall prey to affairs. The list includes ministers, counselors, judges, and even scoutmasters, among others. In fact, there are many psychologists who believe that we are all capable of having affairs under the right conditions.

“How can I ever trust my spouse again? How do I know my spouse won’t do cheat again?”

Trust can be earned over time if the wayward demonstrates that they can be trusted. There are no guarantees that it won’t happen again, just as there are no guarantees that your next spouse won’t cheat on you should you divorce your current partner. Most wayward spouses engaged in romantic affairs are not serial cheaters.

“How can I ever get past this pain? I can’t help envisioning my spouse having sex with the other person and it is killing me inside.”

This, too, will fade over time. It will seem less important as the two of you rebuild your life together. You will never forget, but good memories will eventually outweigh bad ones.

The biggest obstacle in saving your marriage is you. That’s right. The affair will end, the real question is whether you will still want to save your marriage at that time or whether you have sufficiently sabotaged your chances of doing so.

Plan B

Having a ringside seat to your spouse’s affair is detrimental to both you and the chances of recovering your marriage. You will lose your desire to save your marriage and you will begin sabotaging your chances of doing so the longer the affair goes on; this process occurs much more rapidly when you witness the day-to-day activities of your spouse and his/her cheating. As you recover from the initial pain and anguish of discovering your spouse’s infidelity, your resentment will slowly build. You may begin verbally lashing out at your spouse with arguments and disrespectful judgments. While the inclination to do this is entirely natural, you must try to avoid doing so. This is one reason why Dr. Harley has come up with Plan B; a complete separation with little or no contact with your spouse. “Little” contact means only that which is absolutely necessary, such as issues with children. Even these issues are best dealt with through a mutual friend or family member. By separating from your spouse you are attempting to protect the love you still have for him/her. Staying in close proximity to your spouse while he/she is in the throws of the affair will be extremely painful and lead to your own anger and bitterness.

Plan B also gives you an opportunity to work on yourself. Get counseling, work out physically, treat yourself well and do the things you enjoy doing so that you establish your own personal recovery. Rediscover old hobbies, renew old acquaintances, and keep active. If you have children, spend more time with them. If your marriage fails despite your best efforts to save it, this would be your path to wellness anyway.

Thanks, Hiker. I found the original version of this thread incredibly helpful.

There was a good post months ago which listed some of the "fog-talk" of waywards. If anybody can remember where it is, I'd appreciate you posting a link or pasting it on this thread.

Thanks,

Hiker

SDguy,

Even though I haven't been posting I have been following your story and hoping things work out for the best for you.

Thanks Hiker,

I remember reading this very early into my separation.

Unfortunately my WH is in his second romantic A. And this one he left me for.

Still

Incredible, isn't it? How can someone toss so many years of good memories away on something that will clearly not last?

My wish is for everyone who goes through this to find happiness again. And I believe it will happen.

Hello Hiker, haven't seen you around for a while. I hope you are doing well.

Silent,

I have been following your story too, but I've abstained from posting much lately.

I'm wishing the best for you; you deserve it.

Echoed--hope you're doing well and finding some happiness.

Question about affairs.

Has there been a noted difference between the length of an affair if the OP is married vs. single?

I have heard over and over again about A's ending, and I certainly hope that my WH will 'wake up', but I don't EXPECT anything to happen anytime soon, ESPECIALLY since the OW is single.

Silent,

I've never read anything about differences in the length of affairs between married OPs and singles.

It seems likely that if stress is a factor in breaking up an affair, more stress can be brought to bear on a married OP than a single one. But that's just a presumption on my part.

Actually I think you've done a great job handling your situation. If your marriage can be saved at all, I think you are doing all the right things. If it cannot be, I don't see how you could have done anything differently.

Can I assume that a Romantic Affair includes sex?

My wife is having an emotional affair (phone only - they have never even kissed - they met at a work function and have seen each other only twice since, and for lunch only)

Are any procedures different if the WS says she has stopped contact so we can work on our marriage, or should I still not trust her - I am so confused....

Nowwhat74

Not necessarily, but it will almost always lead to that eventually.

When a WS claims to have stopped contact it is necessary to maintain vigilance to see that contact is not resumed. You can read many cases here where a wayward tried to stop and within a short time went back to the OP. When that happens it is as though recovery needs to start from square 1 again.

You should not trust her.

Balance of Power

In every marriage there is a kind of balance of power. It generally revolves around how spouses relate and interact with each other. Sometimes one spouse seems to hold much of the power in the relationship; sometimes the other does. Some relationships are very well balanced in that both spouses have mutual respect for each other and a sense that they are equal partners.

But some marriages are not so well balanced, at least superficially. Consider the stereotype of the beer-guzzling husband who comes home after work, plops down into his easy chair, turns on the TV, and orders his wife to wait on him hand and foot. And perhaps the wife does indeed wait on her husband as though he were a helpless toddler. From outward appearances, you might think the husband holds the power in the relationship. But if his wife were to leave him, the beer-guzzler might fall apart like a blubbering idiot, pleading for her to come back.

Upon discovery of the affair, a betrayed spouse will feel both anger and hurt, among other emotions. If the anger is substantially greater than the hurt, the betrayed spouse may just walk out of the relationship and not look back. That doesn’t happen very often. By far, the instinct of most betrayed spouses is to somehow reclaim their wayward spouse and save their marriage.

This instantly puts the betrayed spouse at a disadvantage, because he/she wants something that the wayward doesn’t want at all, or at the very least is ambivalent about. In this situation, the wayward has a measure of emotional control over the betrayed spouse.

The next post will explain some ways of dealing with this.

Hiker, I do believe that I have (after some intial bumps) and am doing all that I can. I still have hope that my H will reappear, but I'm not counting on it.

This thread, as well as the previous thread on Romantic affairs gives all of us much insight into ourselves and the affairs and affairees. Thank you so much for helping to educate all of us here. I know that you have been an avid reader regarding affairs since you began your own journey through purgatory. You are a true asset to all here, and I, personally, really appreciate all of the work it takes to get this information to us. Thanks, Hiker! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for the kind comments and for providing such a fine example of a devoted spouse doing whatever it takes to recover your marriage.

Your strength of purpose is definitely an inspiration to me.

Well, sometimes I wish I was the kind of BS who would walk away. Funny, I always imagined I was, until I came face to face with the reality. Not so easy to just walk away.

I'm happy with my son and I have my own life to lead, so that's what I'm going to do; I think I'll just let life unfold in front of me for a little while. I have been working so hard to chart a course and steer the ship, that I forgot to enjoy the scenery.

True, I think many people say they would walk if their S was having an A but see things differently when they are faced w/ that reality. I think the key (for me anyway) was asking myself whether I'd regret walking away from someone whom I loved deeply w/out giving her a chance. The impact of D on children was also a strong factor in staying.

Hiker - Thanks for posting, excellent insights and info. Interested where you got the stat that the percentage of recovery from LTAs is inversely proportional to how long it lasted? I'd think another major factor would be how long a M couple had been M'ed. My W and I had lots of good memories and history to draw upon that helped us see we enjoyed being w/ each other and could have a good future together. Into year three of R, not easy but seems to be getting better at least.

V/r,
No Way

I wrote the original version of that post about seven or eight months ago, so off the top of my head I think it came from Dr. Shirley Glass. She gathered a lot of statistics on infidelity.

But I will check on it for you.

Silent,

In August of 2005, one of my friends who helps me coach football asked me the hypothetical question of what I would do if I found out that my wife was cheating. I told him I would pack up my things, take my son, and move out West.

Coincidentally, my wife was engaged in an affair at that time. (No, my friend didn't know that -- he had another friend going through this problem.)

It wasn't until the following March that I found out. Obviously I didn't do what I'd said I'd do, for the reasons No Way mentions.

Hiker, good to see you writing again. I have looked here a few times since the begining of the year but haven't posted much.

My update -- Divorce was final Feb 7. I stopped talkingto my wife completely even though we still have to work out visitation. I guess the OM flew the coop the minute he found out about the divorce. How about that? Better late than never!

Two months go by and I don't hear a thing from my ex. This morning I got an e-mail from her, she says she wants us to be able to date.

Too bad I'm not interested anymore.