Background info...H and I have been married almost 14 years with a 10 YO and 6 YO. As with most marriages, the first several years were wonderful. We were both attentive to each other, very intimate, shared our feelings and concerns shared household chores, spent quality time together. Well about 10 years ago we moved into a new house and H changed jobs. He became obsessed with work to which I just threw myself in my work (I work at home). We rarely went to do anything together as a couple because he never was happy with many babysitters except for his mother but yet he hated asking her. If we went anywhere, it was me asking. So finally I had had enough and just told him I wanted out. No A but the thought of one was tempting because I wanted someone who made me their #1 priority. Well we muddled through for a while and probably a year later H has the opportunity to change jobs for something he has always wanted to do but was a huge pay cut. I supported him in it. I worked extra to make up the difference. Then H wanted to join the military reserves. I was supportive of that but in the end he wound up scheduling us out of his life again. I did so much for him last year including throwing him a surprise party when he graduated the academy, planning a surprise weekend getaway with no kids, restoring his boat while he was gone to basic training, planning camping trips for us as a family. I also was more into sexual intimacy and never turned him down because I knew that was something he needed. Then in November he wants to know what I want for my birthday and I said a weekend trip just me and you. So during the trip he admits to me that he no longer is "in love" with me anymore. So I ask him to read Dr. Harley's book that I had just finished, His Needs and Her Needs for parents but he refuses. So we muddle through for a few months. Then the ultimate thing happens. I had a big field trip planned with our daughter that H knew about months in advance. Up comes some training he has to do that same week so that he cannot take care of our son and we have no one because of the babysitter situation. He says he tried to get out of it. So I take matters into my own hands and email his boss and ask him why is it so important, especially when there is another training session 3 months later for the same exact thing. That we had plans, etc, etc. Well I told H and of course he was very upset and rightly so. I know now I should not have but I was so upset because yet again he was allowing outside activities come between us again. I wanted him to stand up for us just once in his life. He didn't and I realize now that I cannot control him. I convinced him to go to counseling and he did 3 times but after that "things" got in the way as usual. We have been doing a lot of fussing, or I should say he withdraws and I fuss. I know that is not right and I am trying to control that. Anyways, H leaves for military training for 2 weeks and we have a huge fight. I tell him I will be gone when he gets back. I stay gone a day and come back after he leaves. I call him 2 days later and say I am committed to this marriage and making it work and our kids. I want to go back to counseling because 3 sessions is not enough to fix this whole mess. He is kind of wishy washy about it but gives me the impression he will go. Then yesterday I talk to him on the phone and he says he is going to move out when he gets home so I tell him I will pack his stuff and have it ready for him. He tells me not to and I say what is the point. You have given up so I may as well just pack your stuff. After talking with a friend of mine who is a pastor, she tells me not to pack his stuff. Let him do it. Let him explaing to the kids that this is his decision and why. I want so much for my marriage to work but I feel if he leaves, this will be the real end. No hope, no going back. But he is so closed off from me, and actually has been for a while (although my email didnt' help the situation but neither has his preoccupation with other things). What should I do? Any advice? I am just at such a loss. I will still go to counseling myself but I just feel so out of it.

Sorry for your pain. Let him move out perhaps he will see that it was not so bad at home. A little secret; we soldiers need the support of our spouses and once you join the military the family comes second its sad but true. NEVER EVER contact the military about something like what you called about. It is embarrasing and cause heartache for your husband by the command.

This was actually his civilian job, not the reserves. I know that doesn't matter and I shouldn't have done it no matter what but just clarifying.

My husband moved out this weekend also, and I fear the same things that you do..that this really is the beginning of the end. Our stories are very similar..we have been married for twenty years two children 17 and twelve. Husband came home and confessed out of the blue last November 26 of an affair he had been having for six monthes. We have muddled through these last four monthes as well...I had no idea he was not happy says he loves me but not in love with me. He worked many long hours as well in and out of the house. I took a weekend nursing job at the hospital because on the weekends you make so much more money...have done it for four years. Big mistake I think....no time together, teenagers, and just life in general. I through the big 40 surprise party complete with band and hulla dancers have seen this man through six monthes of chemo and would still lay down and die for him and/or my family today. I am hurt but I am angry also....for this reason I told him two weeks ago that I could not do it anymore...I was tired of doing all of the trying...he rented an apartment. I think this is what we both need at this time although I am so scared it may drive us further apart. I am not sure some of the grief I feel is because I may be relizing that too much has happened and I cannot go on with this marriage. He has hurt me to depths I never thought possible. He is a good man but the pain he has caused me makes me look at him in a different way now.

I have done counseling by myself to deal with my grief and depression. H has decided he will go back with me this week. I think maybe these guys need to relize what they are missing...with their wifes and kids. good women (and men) are hard to find.

I am just trying to get through each day with some sense of happiness. I have turned my focus back to God (a relationship I really need to work on) and my kids and work. I also have started to go to the gym and have lost 32 pounds and gone down 3 sizes! I am going to try to focus on me and the kids....hopefully he will notice what he is missing and want to come home.

I too am trying to put it all in God's hands although that is a very hard thing for me to do. I am really good at it at times, espeically when praying before bedtime but throughout the day it is tough. I know I have done wrong and he has done wrong but I want to let all that go and start all over. I feel like the tools are out there, especially with Dr. Harley's books, etc. I have left voicemails for H while he has been gone these 2 weeks and the only time he returns calls is when it is for the kids. I think he probably had this planned all along because the week before he left for AT, he was really distant and quite rude sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he wants to make me so angry that I throw him out. I won't do that. I know what we had before we can still have if we both make the effort. I am torn sometimes thinking that if just I work hard enough as Dr. Harley says that I can turn it around myself but then other times I just feel it is impossible. I feel like if H would just apply those principles to our lives right now things would improve so much it would could be beautiful again. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle and it is very hard to stay positive and focused on what you need to do to turn the situation around when you feel that way. I do have an appointment with a lawyer Tuesday but I just want to see where I stand as far as if I wait on him to file. I will NEVER file. This is his decision so he will have to. I am not finished. I am not ready to give up.....not by a long shot.

God you sound so much like me...just a year ago I thought we were happy..we took a cruise in June..I never thought I would be here.

I am not ready to give up either. When we went to the counslor he told us what a strong foundation we have..but like you I am doing all the work. I think I plan A'd it too much and it got on his nerves...I think my H tried to push me also..away ...and he won I said I could not take anymore. Now I don't understand his mixed messages..he says he has not thought about a divorce, that there is hope but this is what he thinks w need to do for now...?????

I have a function tonite with kids..I will check this when I get back....hang in there!

Well H came a day early and got a few changes of clothes. Said he would go stay with his mother which did not wind up happening. I have no idea where he went. He calls today wanting to get his checkbook, some more clothes, and his iron. He wanted me to just set the stuff in the garage. I told him I would not. This was his decision, he was coming in to get the stuff. So then he wanted to know when he could get the kids. I asked him what time and he said 1:30. I said until when. He says 5. I asked where are you going and he said to the park to practice their baseball/softball (since they play little league). I said okay, bye. I was very cool. I am trying to not lose it with him. I went to church this morning and went down at the alter call and prayed my heart out. The pastor's wife and I had a long talk and we are probably going to do lunch this week. I am still so confused. I just can't believe how my life is turning out right now. My best friend is coming over while the kids are gone to keep me sane....mishes, if you would like to email me, artsykathy@charter.net