OK...background in a nutshell...WH has been involved in EA since Oct and went physical in November. The affair is in Missouri where his job has taken him and I am in Wisconsin. I filed for D. in Jan. to protect family finances. Since the temporary hearing, WH has come back to WI and kept questioning if our marriage is over and has continued to keep OW around. He came back two weeks ago and asked me if he could come home. He has gone back to Missouri and is now waivering.

The question I pose is this: Does the OW know that he is thinking about coming home? Probably not. I am wondering if it would really mess up his relationship with OW if I sent him flowers with a card saying that I am so glad that he has decided to end his affair and come home. Of course, none of that is false. He said he would end it when he went back to Missouri and of course, he hasn't. Would it be so out of the question to really throw some questioning thoughts into OW's mind. It is a relationship built on lies and if OW knew that he's been asking to come home, would it help to undermine that relationship?

Wondering what you all think...

What would be dirty about that? That sounds like a good, strategic way to interfere in his affair. Nothing dirty about that!

It is filthy dirty to HAVE an affair; not dirty to interfere in an affair.

Thank you... It's hard to interfer with an affair taking place 8 1/2 hours away...in his secret life. Right now, it feels like his real reality is there in Missouri and I am now the secret life. I don't like feeling like I am the OW. His place is at home with his family...not shacked up with a woman on disability who is mooching off of him. He must have had to dip pretty low on the social ladder to find her...

But I know he's not truthful with her either...it's the way of things...

Any other thoughts on what would appropriate ways to interfer with a long distance affair?

Hmm, Xetta. I'm all for your trying to recover your marriage, but something sort of bugs me about YOU sending HIM flowers and a card. Seems he should be sending them to you.

Ahhh, but, such is life in this trap,it seems.

Is there any way you can show up for a surprise visit? Do you know who the OW is? If so, why not contact her and tell her without informing your WH.

Sending flowers to him is not fighting dirty at all, but I question whether it would be effective since she may never see them or who they are from.

Edited to add: even worse he may turn around and give them to her.

The one thing in your favor is that you can create an atmosphere of 'doubt', just like he did with you. Except yours is with the purpose of driving the WS crazy. WHAT?!?!?! Yes, if you drive the WS crazy enough, he may leave and let your H come home for good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Yes, exactly my thoughts Orchid...

Right now it is easy for him to keep his secret life separate. His secret life is separated by several hundred miles and he takes great pains on keeping me out of his secret life. He will only talk to me if he is at work, etc.

My plan is to have the flowers delivered to the apartment he is sharing with her. She is on disability and not working, so I am sure she will intercept the flowers when he is at home this weekend with a visit from his kids.

I will only use truth in the note. It will read something like this:

Dearest (Name),

I am so happy that you have asked to come home and end your affair in Missouri. I have missed my husband so much and the children miss their father. We would be pleased to have you join our family again. We are looking forward to seeing you again this weekend.

Forever yours,

Me

Yes, it is true that he has asked to come home and I miss him. I think that a little truth would do wonders to start deflating that fantasy bubble that he has created. It's a relationship based on lies and when the OW is exposed to the truth, she will not be happy. It will start to erode the shakey foundation that his relationship with her was built on. He can't keep the two lives separate forever. I think that this is just the thing needed to really begin to throw doubt on his relationship with her. Yes, he will be pissed, but there will be nothing he can do from here. He will have to spill out more lies to try and cover it up, but the damage and the seed of doubt will already have been planted.

Truth is my best weapon right now and might be what is needed at this point to begin to tear apart his relationship with OW.

my H did this.

He made this whole life with the OW in 4 mos...they were looking for apts and planning their future. He came to me,without her knowing and asked if he could come home...and that if I said yes, then he'd go and tell her tomorrow that he was coming home....

your H is doing the same thing. He's keeping HER around just incase things don't go well with you.

IMBO (in my ****** opinion) I don't see any reason why you shouldn't just send a UHAUL to her house to get all his stuff. Hey, why not just hop in the drivers seat?... Chances are that once she finds out what he's up to, she's not gonna be so accomadating to him, and it forces his hand. WHAT DOES HE REALLY WANT?? ....he's forced to choose, and not just float around trying to "find himself"..

Send flowers, call her, write a letter...do it all baby.
GOOD LUCK

Xetta,

What did you decide? Did you go ahead with your plan?

I think you should NOT send stuff to push in the OW's face (despite how tempting that w/b <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ). Instead you need to remove yourself from the Triangle.

Tell him you want your H home NOT the WS. He needs to leave the WS with the OW so that you are not tortured by the WS.

Set your boundaries. I know you want your H home but am sure you don't want the WS on your property.

take care,
L.

I think that anger and bitterness doesn't help. Turn the tables. He wants his cake and eat it too but your are a prize to be won. Stop playing games and get him back to reality. There are plenty of fish in the ocean and he is just one fish. He does not hold you by the balls and if he had the affair he does not deserve you. So let him know it. Tell him that if he wants back he is going to have to prove himself and that is that. He is losing a jewel and he will never get over it so he better fight hard.And best of all here is the kicker,beleieve it when you say this to him, because its true.

Tell him that he needs to be broken up with his OW with verifiable NC for AT LEAST ____ months, and that he must not travel to MO anymore before you agree to stop with the D.

I agree with Jim on what your expectations should be before you accept H back into your house.

But at the same time, I DO think you should send the flowers. It creates stress in 'affair land'...which is what you really want to take place. Let them fight about that...I like the note you'd had included.

I don't think it's fighting dirty...quite the contrary, I think it's a great plan.