Its been about 3 weeks since I found out my wife was having an affair on me.

For about 2 months I kept finding odd messages, emails, odd calls on the phone records and misc. other things. I cried in front of her multiple times telling her how concerned that I was and she kept denying anything.

Finally I caught her the only way I could, I put a recorder on the telephone. This is a man she works with.

That night I confronted her and she told me it had been going on for about 7 months, only 3 months after we had our first son and we just bought our first house 4 months ago.

That night she was upset and told me she would end it. The next day she emailed me and said she was going to wait a day or 2 and talk to him in person about it, I got angry that she didnt want to do it that day and a big fight erupted.

She left for a while, came back and told me that she did call him and ended it. But told me that she would need to give him a better explanation than a 2 minute talk on the telephone. From the recording I was able to tell that she is totally in love with this man who is also married as well. They talked in ways that she hasnt with me for years, did things in bed with this man that she would not do with me.

After she supposedly ended this affair, she became bitter toward me. Telling me shes not sure what she wants to do about the marriage and that she wants freedom for a while to thing and go out and do things with her friends which drives me insane due to obvious reasons.

She has told me that she hasnt been happy for years with things and that alot of the time she was only pretending to be happy and only putting on a front.

She claims that the guy never intended to leave his wife because of the kids and that she didnt intend to leave me either.

At this point she is closing me out alot, we are still living together and once in a while she wants to be somewhat close to me like a kiss or a cuddle. But if I initiate something like that she backs away, says she only wants to do it if she feels it at the time.

Shes been blowing up alot lately over this and that. Almost trying to pick fights with me it seems sometimes.

I just now wonder since she wont talk much about this, what is going through her head and since she is currently refusing counseling and does not like the idea of me keeping an eye on her one bit.........what can I do to help her get through this and what do I need to do?

Also I have post alot of the original story on enotalone if anyone is familiar with that site.

Not sure if I am supposed to post links to other sites or not though.

Gus,

It is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife immediately and expose the affair to her. If you do not do this then you are sending a clear message to the OM that there are no consequences now and in the future for the OM to keep having sex with your wife. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. It also sounds like your wife is still not telling you the whole truth. Good luck.

Yes thats been my thought for a while, I know it will do good for a few different reasons.

I was going to tell my wife to tell this man, or I call him and tell him himself that he needs to tell his wife or I will.

If I went with route A I would ask that this woman call me directly for confirmation. Then I could talk with her a bit about things.

You need to tell her yourself, it's the only way. Provide her with whatever evidence you have. If you wish to have this affair ended, it's a step you must take. That way, you can watch your WW and the OM's W can watch the OM. It is important that you do this immediately.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". It's written by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this site and the Marriage Builder's philosophy. You will learn what to do, and perhaps more importantly, what not to do, when your goal is saving and building a better marriage.

Best wishes,
SD