This is the first time I have posted. I have been reading for a year now and have obtained a lot of information from everyone on this site. I have been in plain B for a year will give a brief of my situation.

Nov 2004 found out H was starting A with his Admin manager. Put a stop to that, had no idea that H was having a Midlife crisis and did everything wrong in the begining. July 2005 asked H to leave as no matter what I did he did not want to stay in the marriage. Once he left he started A with another staff member of his work ( he was the manager of an important company). From Aug 05 when he left has had very miminal contact with the children. D16 won't have anything to do with him as he has broken all the rules, S12 does not want to see him and at the moment they are having supervised contact, the only person who he wants is D4 as she is giving him unconditional love at the moment.

I have followed most of the principals here but am finding it hard to know how to really deal with the children. H has not wanted to know anything about what the children are doing with their lives. It is like they are just wiped out of his memory. We have no contact at all unless it is about health insurance, he does not want to know anything at all about the children and has left it all up to me to handle. In plain B do I just carry on with not contact or do I bring up how the children are feeling and what effect it is having on them. He has promised to pay for their extra activities in previous communication but when I presented him with the invoices he has now said no to paying for anything extra. We have had the house on the market for 1 year and it now has just sold and my L sent his L what I wanted in the settlement so I think that he is made because I am going for more than 50/50.

What I really want to know is do I just carry on as normal no contact, detaching or try and revisit what hs is doing to the children. I am doing well but I just can't move on because I keep feeling the pain that my children are feeling.

Im sorry this is long and may be a bit disjointed there is so much I need to ask and say am having trouble getting it across.

Pud,

Welcome to MB. Sorry u and your family have t/b here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Get your children into some solid counseling ASAP, even the little one.

They know what he is doing is wrong and each will act and react accordingly.

Make them a part of your support group and you a part of theirs. Present all issues to the WS as one family not W vs children.

Don't keep it a secret that the dad ws doesn't care about the children. Be up front with them and let them either draw it out or write it out. Let them know that letting their feelings be known is NOT a bad thing.

At 6 years old, mine wrote a letter to his father. It was 4 sentences and the only word he asked me to spell was 'divorce'. 2 statements and 2 questions that tore a whole into the A. It didn't stop it but it caused the OW to LB the WS big time and that was part of what started the end of the A though it took over 2 more years to finally die.

Have you secured child support? Secure your finances. The WS is a selfish creature and will risk everyone and everything to keep the A going. Including his family and his career.

Have you identified your personal and M boundaries? While there is minimal contact, I can't really see you as being in plan B.

L.

I should have gone into our situation a bit more.
I asked H to leave July 05 as plan A was not working and he was disrespecting the family. One week after he left D3 then was molested by our 14yr neighbour,H was very good for a few weeks but then his second A with a staff member had just started. OW is separated from her H as he abused her, she has a S a few months younger than D4 she is also 14 years younger than H. From Aug until Feb 06 H was staying with a mate and had limited visitation with the children. H could have had more but chose not to. In the Feb he moved into his own place and had 2 younger children stay with home every second weekend. All during this time he had not introduced OW to the children, which was good. S12 was showing signs of depresson and kept saying he did not want to meet OW. D16 will not speak to her father they have some unresolved issues. March 06 sent him the plan B letter. June 06 I went away for a few days H had 2 younger kids for weekend and was telling S that it is time he meet OW S kept saying that he does not want to. During the weekend S was very upset at having to meet her and txt his S to come and get him. When she arrived they had one almighty fight, H lack of interest in the kids since he left was taking its toll and they blew up at him. H told D16 I will never forgive you for this and said to S12 if you leave now you will never see me again. they both left in tears. After that things came to a head and I stopped all visitation with H for the kids. Oct 05 went to L to start settlement process, H was paying all the bills and mortgage until that horrible weekend in June. H then stopped all money so I applied for child support although he was still paying half the mortgage. After repeated letters from my L to get something sorted he kept saying that he had no money for a L. Once visitation was stopped he had to get a L and we went to court appointed councilling to do parenting order. H only went to 4 sessions then stopped that and said would go to mediation but also cancelled that. So since March 06 I have only spoken to him 6 times concerning the children. H now only has D4 for visitation and when he picks her up she is waiting outside with her stuff. He has not made any atempt to contact how the older 2 are or inquire as to what they do with their lives. Our L and the children's L have set up superivsed visits with H and S12 for 1hour once a fortnight but S12 does really not want to go. The children have had counseling they have made up their minds that they don't want him in their lives.
Its hard to put this all down in writing as so much has happened since I found out Nov 04. Some say he is having a midlife crisis I have done some tests on other sites and his scores were very high.

What I really want to know while in Plan B I am having no contact getting on with things but as there are children involved how much do I bring it to his attention that the children are hurting eg H stated in previous communication that he would pay for the kids extra activities and education but now that the house has sold and my L has sent him what I am asking for he now has said that he won't pay for anything other than child support. How do you explain that to the kids. I did email him and ask him how do I tell them that he has gone back on his word and what example is he setting, have not received a reply.

Plan B is a protective act since as you can see the WS is capable of hurting even his children.

Use this plan even for your children if they find that time with the WS is depressing for them. Record these events (i.e. journal, tape, video, visit with IC etc.). It is important to document the WS' cruel acts so when he pulls the crap about his parental rights, you can show he wasn't a parent by choice.

L.