I don’t know where to start, or where to post, or even what the purpose is. I’m here again because I’m lonely and hurting. This is an extremely long post that may qualify me for an award on this site. I posted for a season on this site in 2001 but don’t even remember my name or anything. Here we go, quick as possible, from the beginning…

I married my high school best friend’s little sister at the ripe old age of 22. I had known her since she was in the second grade. We were/are both active Christians. During our dating I hurt her very badly when the inevitable question of who/how many have you been with came around. You see, I was a “good boy” and had never had sex, but she had been very promiscuous even though she knew it was wrong and carries a lot of guilt and regret for it to this day. I made her feel worthless and undesirable and if she had been an emotionally healthy person should have ended the relationship at that point. However she didn’t. Then to top it off, we began having premarital sex, and I was so self-righteous I was convinced that it was somehow different because we were “going to get married”. I was always better than everyone else. My sin didn’t smell as bad. This was sixteen years ago.
We got married and became pregnant within about two months, and before our first anniversary had a baby boy. We let nature take its course and by just after our fifth anniversary had added a baby girl and another baby boy to our family. During our entire marriage we have been very active in church. We are both musicians and have always served in that capacity. Shortly after our seventh anniversary on the way to a bible study one Friday night, my wife disclosed that she had been having a six-month affair with a guy in the church that we did music with and was in our bible study. I don’t need to share how devastated I was. Great friends took us under their wings and helped us through that night. She was immediately repentant, ended the affair, we changed churches and began counseling. We went to a Family Dynamics weekend event where they use His/Her Needs as a foundation. Our marriage seemed to be healing. We even went back for another F.D. course and became facilitators for an eight week His Needs/Her Needs Course that we led 10 other couples through and three rocky marriages were saved as a result.

Our relationship seemed to be growing steadily. We had become part of five other families that were led to start a new church in our area. My wife and I were leading worship. She began helping another local church with their music program where and older man who was a doctor and a musician became interested in her. She began a half-affair with him. I say it that way because it was not fully consummated, but only dabbled in the physical and she never really got deeply ingrained in it. I became suspicious, contacted him threatened to tell his wife and it was over very abruptly. During this time she had rented a house and gotten a job as an administrative person in a dental office. She would not go to counseling with me at this time, so I started going myself. Within about 8 months she began acting suspicious (staying out late, etc.) and I became convinced she was having another affair so I confronted her. She denied it, but it became a heated domestic dispute and I wouldn’t let her out of our bathroom (large bathroom) with me until she gave me some straight answers. She tried to call 911 and I reached around her to stop her and managed to pinch her hand in the cell phone. I realized this was out of control and I was wrong for trying to hold her in the bathroom and I let her go. She left the house (kids were asleep) and came back in about 45 minutes with two deputy sheriffs behind and I was arrested and spent the night in jail for domestic violence and was released the next day with a restraining order against me and my wife and kids gone from the home. This was just before our 10th anniversary. She was seeing another guy. This time a real psycho. She left our church and all of our friends and wouldn’t have anything to do with anybody. When she didn’t have the kids, no one could find her. The next four months consisted of her losing two jobs, her apartment and her car. She had not yet confessed the other guy to me but I knew because I hired a P.I. on my attorney’s recommendation. At the end of the four months she came to me after one of the kids soccer games and asked if we could talk. She said, “I’ve been seeing a guy and he got me to have sex with him and I’m pregnant.” The psycho by this time was threatening, me, her, and our kids in an effort to keep her in the relationship.

Ok, now you can imagine what I was feeling. Some of you can, maybe some of you can’t. Within a few weeks she got down on her knees and very sincerely begged my forgiveness. She didn’t ask to come home, or for me to take her back but made it clear that if I was willing to work on things, so was she. I didn’t know how it could work, but I tried to trust God and follow His lead. Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. She went before the church and confessed (in an appropriate way) and asked forgiveness. She did this all on her own, it wasn’t required or suggested by anyone. In March of 2002 we renewed our wedding vows and in June I was blessed with a gorgeous baby girl. I say blessed because God really worked a miracle in our family. I love this baby, now four, with all my heart. She is absolutely no different to me than my other three kids.

The last five years have been the best five years of our marriage. Has it been perfect? No. But it has been great. My heart was healed and I have completely forgiven. All the stuff that happened in 2001 is gone from me. Sometimes something reminds me that I am not my baby’s biological father and it doesn’t even seem real. It seems like a book I read somewhere. My wife has been very active in church and has ministered to and helped many women by being open and honest about our past. We have both led worship at our church. Last year I saved up and surprised her with a cruise for our 15th anniversary in August which we went on and had a great time.

So why am I here? In October she grew distant after working one week at a local event. I gave her a little space but in a couple of weeks I asked and she said, “I opened my heart up to another man last week.” I came home from work, put my arms around her and said,” Honey, it’s going to be all right. God will heal our marriage again, it’s going to be alright.” She began pursuing putting some of our home-schooled kids back in public school (long story) and talking about getting a job. The first of December she got a job as a waitress at a high-end dinner club. She was still in contact with her new friend. We had immediately returned to counseling, but she continued to pull away. The holidays were miserable. All of her friends at church were astonished, shocked and hurt, having seen her through 2001. She began withdrawing from everyone. On Christmas Eve I found day after birth control in her pocket book. I was going to throw her out that day, but I called my close friend and pastor (who has seen us through all of this stuff) and he said, “If you throw her out today, it will affect Christmas for the rest of your kids lives.” I calmed down and gave control back to God as much as possible. To wrap up, she left the first of February and doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all. One night she talked with me and basically confessed everything and told me that I should go on with my life and write her off. She told me on the phone this past week that she is not going to give up her new relationship and she’s sorry that it hurts me, but it’s the only thing good in her life right now. She said that she considered trying to work through things with me again but there is something wrong with her if she can give her heart away so quickly and she can’t risk doing this to the kids and me again. I asked if she was planning to divorce me and she said, “I guess so”, I asked her how she felt justified in that from a spiritual perspective and she said, “God has let me down all my life, so what’s the difference if I let Him down too?” She said that when she meets new people she mentions me as “her ex” All this in five months.

So here I am. Believe me, I know all the principles. Believe me, I have plenty of experience with this. Why did God heal my marriage and expand my family only to allow this to happen again? Is it time to give up? I don’t feel released. I love her and want her back. Not the way she is, but healthy. I know who she is and what she believes deep inside. I know she’s wounded and acting out of that hurt. What does it mean at this point to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her? I’m tired and beat down.

well, as you know, God gives us free will and will NOT control your wife's actions. continue to turn to God for guidance.

as much as it may hurt, this woman is a serial cheater and serial cheaters rarely stop. the bible says you DO NOT have to stay with someone who has comitted adultery. you may be better off to end the marriage. maybe you being serious about ending the marriage will wake her up, who knows.

but you need to take care of you and your kids and do what is best for them and you right now. the same scenerio plays over and over. stop allowing yourself to be her fall back guy. that is not healthy. she goes with these other men until they use her up and then she goes back to her old stand by : YOU. that is not a marriage, that is using.

let her go and let God deal with her. I am not saying go out and meet someone else. but you work on you and your kids and your life and let her go. you may find eventually you don't want the drama she brings anyway. as you can see you cannot be secure in how long she will be comitted. i would not want to live like that. she comes back and you have no idea how long it will be until the next man comes along. she has repeated this over and over. she needs some serious help but you cannot force her to get it. she must do it on her own. let her hit rock bottom. it will be hard to do. pray the God's will be done in her life no matter what that takes. pray it for you too.

mlhb

howmuch...

Try "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Very good book and addresses this sort of situation.

Thanks for the suggestion about Love Must Be Tough. It's a great book. I read it and applied it's principles last time she was gone!!!

howmuchmore,

Just so you know, I am writing a very long, detailed response to you, one believer to another. However, since it is Sunday, and Easter, I have chosen to spend the day with my family. I'll post to you tomorrow, okay?? Until then, I suggest practicing stillness--and if you want to, for fun, reading my story by clicking on the link below.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Thanks for your reply CJ. I read your story. What freedom you seem to have found. I look forward to your reply.

Dear brother howmuchmore,

Before I go any further, let me just say that it is completely understandable that you would feel tired, beat down, hurt, and just frankly—like giving up. I doubt if there is a jury of your peers anywhere that would convict you if you were to just walk away and divorce your wife right now! In fact, I suspect some people might even tell you that you are a fool if you don’t divorce her!!

However, I am speaking to you today one believer to another, and as you know, believer’s are called to a DIFFERENT way of living. What might seem like “common sense” to the world is not what we are commanded to do, and if our lives are truly Christ’s then we have an obligation to respond to His work on the cross for us by living a whole new, different kind of life. We are to present our bodies as instruments of His righteousness.

Now, my very first reaction to your life, marriage, and WW (wandering wife) was, “Well, she is a believer and so are you, so you can’t divorce her.” Hey, what can I say? I was studying up on covenants, and as you know, when we make a covenant in the Lord’s name, He administers it so that the covenant is forever (remember how Joshua made a covenant of peace with the Gibeonites and 400 years later, Saul broke the covenant and the Lord punished Israel because of it? Remember how God made a covenant with Abram, and it took probably 500+ years to bring it to fruition? Yeah—He doesn’t take covenants lightly.) But rather than just rushing off and responding like that, I actually took the time to review what is the righteous and godly thing to do.

I made the following assumptions: you are a believer and want to obey God –and- WW is a believer but she has chosen to sin and has backslidden into adultery.

Soooo…what does GOD say? Nothing personal howmuchmore, but forget what *I* say or anyone else for that matter. What does God say? How does God want believers to behave when it comes to marriage and divorce? That’s what you really need to listen to!! That I can tell, God does give Christians directions/commands on how He wants us to live in our marriages. For example, our marriages are an image—an analogy—of Christ and His Church. The way that husbands love their wives selflessly is an image of how Christ loves His Church and gave Himself for her. The way that husbands are the federal head of the household is the way that God is our federal head. The way that the wife submits to her head is an image of the way that the Church should submit to Christ and obey Him! So we do have some clear instruction on how we are to behave in our marriages—and I’m fairly confident that you are knowledgeable enough to go to those passages yourself and study.

Let’s turn then to what God says about believers divorcing. It is my understanding that Christ was asked, “Hey, can husbands divorce their wives for just any reason?” and His response (I’m paraphrasing of course) was that God HATES divorce…and that Moses had allowed divorce in the instance of sexual immorality under the Law. Here’s the thing though—we are no longer under the Law; we are under Grace! So if you really want to please God, you subject yourself to the discipline of faithfulness and delight yourself in the wife of your youth!

Later on in the New Testament, we read some further, deeper instructions from Paul. If a believer and non-believer are married, the believer is NOT to leave the marriage, but rather to stay and live a life that leads the non-believer to the Lord…because the non-believer is blessed by being with the believer. Now, if the non-believer chooses to leave and chooses to end the marriage, then the believer is not bound and is free to remarry. But what about sexual immorality in a marriage between two believers? Two believers have made a covenant before God and He expects you to honor your covenant! Furthermore, believers are called to forgive just as they have been forgiven. However, in the instance of sexual impurity, God does ALLOW but does not PREFER divorce. Instead, He gives us a commandment to confront the sinning partner three ways:

1) You confront them face-to-face. You have a one-on-one confrontation with your WW and tell her that what she is choosing is sin (and she knows it). Remind her that she is a believer and that sin is no longer her master—that Christ’s resurrection BROKE sin’s strangle hold on her and she can choose to be free and repent and return to you and to God. If that doesn’t work—go to step two.

2) You confront them with a pastor and elder. In this situation, you go to the pastor of your church (the one you and she attended together) and along with a couple of the elders of the church, you have a small group meeting with her and once again tell her that she is a believer and that sin is no longer her master—that Christ’s resurrection BROKE sin’s strangle hold on her and she can choose to be free and repent and return to you and to God. If that doesn’t work—go to step three.

3) You confront them with the whole church. Okay—this one is a little scary, but you have to trust your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and tell them what is going on in your private life. You will need their support and encouragement and prayers and assistance to confront your WW!! All the members of the church remind her that she is a believer and that sin is no longer her master—that Christ’s resurrection BROKE sin’s strangle hold on her and she can choose to be free and repent and return to you and to God.

If that doesn’t work—we are instructed to “shake their dust off your sandals” and to me that means that you have done all that you are instructed to do on your side. From that point on, it is up to God and you are to guard your heart. In my instance, I decided that meant that I would protect myself and our children financially (from the WS’s inability to think clearly and spend all the money on their A), and to continue living my life in the light of God’s word, doing what I knew to be right. If your WW wants to divorce, let HER file and let HER do all the work of continuing the sin—you will have no part of it.

Personally, howmuchmore, I am in my second marriage now. My first marriage was to a non-believer and I would NEVER make that mistake again! God calls us to marry other believers for a big reason, and from now on it’s nothing but obeying God for me! But, I am now married to a believer, and when I said my vows, I knew on that day that I was making a covenant. I knew that my new hubby could backslide, chose to sin, and even go off on a wild binge as sometimes people do (because we are weak humans)…but I was making a covenant that day to never be the one to instigate divorce against him. In order to protect myself from his sinful choices, I would absolute separate if necessary—but I am under an obligation to offer my body to God as an instrument of righteousness…and as such I am also under the obligation to discipline myself to faithfulness. If I began divorce proceedings, I believe *I* would then be the one sinning.

So, I hope this makes sense. It’s just my humble opinion, but I think you still have some proper steps to take before it’s really over. I also think that it is completely understandable why you would feel like just chucking it all in and saying, “Forget it!!” But, howmuchmore, you are risen with Christ and sin no longer has mastery over you. You are a new man in Christ, and right now you may need a breather—you may need some time to heal from your wounds—but your duty is to be the head of your household and an instrument of righteousness. Consider this your “pep talk” to assure you that God has already delivered the enemy into your hand. He tells us to “be strong and of a good courage…for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” All you have to do is keep obeying the Lord, even when it seems weird or hard or scary or <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. Keep your focus on OBEYING and God will take care of the rest in your life and in hers.

Finally, here’s a sort of fun “assignment” for ya. Read the book of Hosea and tell me what you think. How does it apply to you? Your WW?

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Wow, CJ, you speak with a confidence and maturity that is very encouraging. Let me fill in a few blanks… My wife and I were serving in the band at our church (modern praise & worship) and she was actually the leader when this all started (mid October). After she brought this to my attention (“I opened my heart up to another man”) she led one more Sunday before stepping down. The day that she confessed the new affair she told me that she wished that I would just hate her and tell her to “go the ****** away”. She also told me that there was a secular song that fit the way she felt. It’s called Hate Me by a band called Blue October. Here are some excerpts of the lyrics:

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

So I’ll drive so f****** far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
and then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

And the chorus repeated throughout:

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

She knew the sin and was regretful immediately. I believe that she was overwhelmed by the fact that she had entered into another affair, and rather than face the guilt and shame, saw running away as her only option. I believe she became very angry with me because it was the only way to justify her actions.

So to address your Matthew 18 directives…
She had actually begun to talk with our pastor, (also one of our best friends) even before she talked with me. Not clearly and directly, but indicating she was having some real problems and struggles. In retrospect it became clear to him, but he didn’t realize the magnitude of her situation. When she told me, I immediately called him and he prayed with me and encouraged me to call our counselor from before pronto, which I did and we saw her the next day. We are still seeing her, but my wife frequently reschedules her appointments. It seems she ends up going about once every three weeks or so. So our pastor was involved from the start, and the issue of this being a sin was never a question.

My wife was very involved in a close group of about five women at church who knew her story and history intimately, and two of them had actually walked with her through the events of 2001 (leaving, affair, pregnancy, restoration) She actually lived with one of them for a season while we were trying to work things our. So these women had really invested their lives in her. When this new affair came about they were astonished to say the least. I don’t feel that they handled the situation with grace, for the most part, but rather took the stance of “expelling the immoral brother”. Initially they came to her firmly, but lovingly, but when she was unresponsive (unrepentant) they closed her out. I struggle with that. I even encouraged three of them to “love the sinner, hate the sin”, but I think they felt so hurt by her too, that if they showed any warmth towards her they felt like they were condoning her actions. One of them actually said to me, “(my name), you need to get your head out of her butt and go on with your life.”

Then to top it off, her new man is married with two kids and his wife happens to work with a woman that goes to our church. Well the wife of other man is extremely upset and talking about suing for alienation of affection and she is very vocal about this whole ordeal in her workplace, so it got back into the church through that venue. My wife continued attending church with me all the way up to the Sunday before she left, putting on a façade that everything in her life was great. It was obvious to everyone that that was false, because of the contrast between the two of us, and she wouldn’t even sit beside me. Now she won’t be seen at church, and will not return calls from anyone related to the church.

Her family is pretty much in the same frame of mind. Because all the dirt came out last time and they witnessed the restoration of our family with the new baby, they are very upset with her choices to be here again.

She feels totally alienated from her family and friends. In fact, one day on the phone she said to me, “You can just have all of the family and our old friends. I’ll just stick to my new friends.”

So I feel like I’m at the shaking off the dust part. But I struggle with what that means. I called an attorney about legal separation, but I feel like there is no faith in that. I feel that is taking control of the situation myself rather than trusting God. I called and postponed the appointment.

In regards to Hosea, the book I quoted, Redeeming Love is a fictionalized retelling of that story, set in old west times. The main character is Michael Hosea.

I so appreciate the time you invested in sharing with me. I will spend some time reflecting on your words of experience. I simply can’t imagine caring for another woman. I am committed to this one. I meant forever.

i recently read a book by Max Lucado called Facing Your Giants.

It talks about forgiveness, but it also mentions things like forgiving does not mean that you want that person in your life. (I am thinking of the church ladies). they have done all they can do for your wife. they don't want to be brought down by her sin, she has continually disappointed them. they can forgive her but choose not to have her in their lives. that may be what is healthiest for them.

it may be what is healthiest for you. i do not for one minute believe that God wants us suffering in marriages with serial cheaters, with abusers, etc. you have done the path and stayed the course. the woman she is right now is not the woman you married. she is not a good example for you children and she is bringing you down. legal separation is NOT a bad thing. it is a consequence of HER actions. and you need to protect you and your children until she can be on the right path. let her go, pray for her, PUT HER IN GOD'S HANDS. but give tough love. keep her out of your life until she can truly be back on the right path. a legal sep just protects you and lets her see that you are serious and gives her a taste of what life without you will truly be like. there are consequences to her behaviors, she cannot get off scott free. she has cheated over and over and over. i am quite sure God does not intend that his children suffer by living with a spouse like that. what kind of example is that for your children?

let her go, again, pray that god's will be done in her life no matter what that takes. that is a powerful prayer. for your wife, who knows what that may take. it may take something awful like getting an std or aids for her to turn back to god and to you. i don't mean to be harsh but it sounds to me like her rock bottom is going to have to be pretty low.

don't be angry with the women at church either. re-read what i wrote above about that and read that book. it will help you. it sure helped me.

you are not taking things out of god's hands by protecting your family.

mlhb

Shake the dust off your sandals and get out of Dodge. This lady has proved time and again that she is faithless and trustless. If you continue to support her you are sicker than she is. Don't hide your enabling under the cover of relgion.

Johoman,
I understand your sentiment, believe me. I also understand enabling. I don’t feel as though I’m enabling because I have let her take every step of this journey on her own. It’s not like I’m sitting at home begging her to come back. I don’t want her back the way she is, but I want her to be healthy. I believe she can be healed. I gather that you may not be a follower of Christ by your use of the term “religion”. You see, for me there is a distinct difference between religion and Christianity. I certainly acknowledge that biblically I am released from this marriage. I also know that God hates divorce. I know that God’s heart is always for reconciliation and restoration. I know that I am commanded to love my wife as Christ loved the church, willing to give his life for her. I have vowed, not once, but twice, to stand by her for better or worse until death. People take that vow very, very lightly. What does “worse” mean? Where do you draw the line? How many times has Christ forgiven me? I continue to fail him too. I’m glad he doesn’t have a cap on forgiveness. I don’t mean to sound harsh or pious, I’m just explaining where my struggles lie.

Has your wife ever been mentally evaluated? Is it possible that she is bipolar?

howmuch,
i understand what you are saying. and if she had only cheated once, i would say yes, you forgive and restore your family. but she has done this numerous times! she has destroyed something as precious as what two married people share, that bond that making love between 2 married people share. she has tarnished that beyond measure for the 2 of you. she has allowed other men to share the bond only you 2 should share. i know when my ex and i separated before and he had been with someone else during that time, i had a very very difficult time being intimate with him. to know that he had been intimate with someone else, share what was supposed to be special between us, i just couldn't get it out of my head. he tarnished it.

yes, christ forgive us over and over again, thank god! he died so our sin could be washed away. but don't you think that god himself practices tough love with us? i am not saying you should give up on your marriage. if you want to stay committed to your committment and you are willing to wait the forever it may take for her to come back a new person, that is your choice. personally, i could not do that. i took my out, after 4 YEARS of trying, and am now in a relationship with a christian man and have never ever been happier.

you must protect your children from the example your wife is setting right now. you can do a legal sep to protect your family, stay married, pray for her, put her in god's hands, live your life, let her live hers, and pray that one day she returns. if you can wait it out, that is your choice. i don't disrespect that. i understand you want to honor your committment. a committment she has no desire to honor and a vow she has broken numberous times.

stand tall, protect your kids and yourself, do the legal sep, don't divorce, don't get involved in any other relationships (since you say you don't want to anyway), raise your family, keep your life in god's hands and pray god deal with her in any way he needs to. you can't pine for her, you can't sit around driving yourself crazy. live your life!

you may want to post on the generall 11 forum and seek out mortorman. he is a good christian man whose wife is somewhat similar to yours (altho not quite so many affairs,but one is too many). after court hearings and divorce there marriage is supposedly being restored with a baby on the way! read up on him and post to him.

mlhb

HowMuch---Are your sure she can be a better person or is it a wish of your own? You want her to have those qualities of being a better person but it just may not be there. I am a Christain but I love myself as much as I love my neighbor and I demand respectful treatment. I forgive thsoe that sin agaisnt me but I am not around for them to sin again agaisnt me again that would be a sin for me to do. Christ does not demand for us to be door mats.

Where you are a believer, you will want to look up Mortarman's story on Infidelity General Questions board here at Marriage Builders. His story goes for three years. It is an amazing story of standing in His presence while you walk through h*ll.

There are older links - if you click on "search" - type in Mortarman in the username search box, then request posts older than 54 months, you'll pull his original story which you will surely relate to.

Some links for easy reference on the more recent parts of his story...

Read it - then come back and post what you think!
Mortarman - Court Hearing 2002
Mortarman - Plan B coming to an end - 2002-2003
Mortarman - Recovery 2003 Mortarman - Recovery - another thread
Mortarman - Recovery 2003 - another thread Mortarman - the beginnings of Recovery - another thread
Mortarman - False recovery - deteriorating situation/update
Mortarman - April 2006 court date
Mortarman - separation
Divorce Court
Mortarman - October Update - wife goes through withdrawls while MM still in Plan B
Mortarman - Early Christmas? 2006
Mortarman - Marriage Builder Weekend 2007
Mortarman - Big News 2007
Mortarman part # "most recent update"

Howmuch,

I sit here wondering. I understand only ONE thing. I will never understand God or how God works. So I left to believe in God.

What I am wondering is if it isn't YOU that has failed to heed God. Your W has not changed one bit in most of her life. She was very active sexually before you met her, during your dating, after you married, and continues on to this day. This is many decades.

I truly believe you should forgive her and leave your heart open to her. But, I also believe that you need to understand something...YOU ARE NOT GOD. Your actions or inactions can not heal what is broken in her. Only God can by acting through her. She will NOT change until she wants to, and frankly she has seen no need to. Every time she has fallen you have picked her up. This is very good, but she has not felt the consequences of her decisions.

Have you ever thought about the fact that she has always been non-commital but has stayed close to the church? I think she knows she is broken. I think she knows she needs to let go, but she probably has to hit bottom before any real change occurs. It seems to be the way of things and it is yet another thing I don't understand.

Your job is to take care of those children. To do that you must also take care of yourself. Frankly, they don't need to be around their mother much right now.

Howmuch, I think you need to step back and trust your faith, that your W will heal and be taken care of on a time scale beyond your control. Your love while power, cannot heal her. It can draw her back, but she will not heal from YOUR love. She will only heal when SHE finds the strength and the power to do so.

Just thoughts on a tragic situation. I would also like to suggest that you not be so hard on those women who tried to help her as well. They did more than most, and they still care. They just know they cannot.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

It's midnite, Friday night, I miss my wife, my beautiful four year old daughter is curled up next to me asleep and honestly JL, your words sank deep into my heart tonight. I had a counseling session today and I came away with a very similar view. Your words kind of affirm where I've been arriving. One day at a time. I will review tomorrow when I'm thinking more clearly.

Howmuch,

How is the review going HM? I hope that today finds you better, stronger, and with the beginnings of a plan for your life.

God Bless,

JL

JL, Went to my first Divorce Care meeting tonight. Was much different than I expected. Very helpful. I think it's going to be good. I'm exhausted, though. Still haven't done my taxes. I think I have a mental block because of having to deal with my bride over it...

Anyone else have experience w/ taxes or Divorce Care?

File for an extension is my recommendation given that they are due tomorrow.

JL