Well, Easter is tomorrow and here I am alone wallowing in self pity. Been doing very good for a few months and started feeling down about a week ago. My DivorceCare group tells us about how you can be doing great and get hit with depression out of nowhere. I hate it but will do everything I can to snap out of it.
I can't believe it has been 2 1/2 years since she left and almost 2 years since the divorce... I can't believe it at all. When I look back and think how I thought I can fix the relationship on my own... well, I was a fool. I now know it takes 2 to make a relationship.

I also now know that no problem in life get's fixed unless it is addressed. Each time she had an EA I would try to get her to work on it but she would not. So I would just ride it out until her infatuation passed... I will never do that again. I will always address the issues and require the same from my partner.

I don't miss her though like I used to but I miss my family. I miss taking care of my family, knowing they were always safe as long as they were with me.

Just had to vent... Life goes on... gotta keep moving forward.

I think you are right, address issues head on before they become major - but I even met a young couple that didn't think they had problems who went to counseling to work on communication skills just as a "protective measure." At the very least, premarital counseling to hammer out issues like finances, etc before marriage. I overheard a pastor doing it with a young couple after I'd left my marriage - I was at a coffee shop and I thought, if only we'd done that. He was trying to get them to see marriage isn't easy and what problems there could be, and how to deal with them. All marriages are hard I believe having looked around - even in my 20s I thought there were very few "happy" couples out there with marriages I'd want, I stayed single but people would bug me about finding someone. I think even the process of finding the right person to begin with is hard, very few find it and have exceptional marriages. Sadly a counselor I just saw told me life is what I thought it was... although I think my own marriage was worse. I'm with you though, I wouldn't have let it go on so long and get so dramatic in the end. I would have set FIRM boundaries from the start on the cheating stuff - even if it was emotional - I still don't know because I found cell records to some young girl and he liked to flirt even in front of me. He didn't realize how this hurt, we went to counseling, he stopped but I went on and on about it so angry. If we are in marriages with cheaters do you think the moral is what a shrink told me in the middle of it - leave or stay, but don't be so angry all the time. How can one not be angry if this goes on and on with a spouse that disrespects marriage vows. Sad thing is you are also right, it's not just a marriage, two people, it's family, relatives, friends, social network that's lost in a divorce. It's such a shame as life is lonely enough.

I read a book right after my separation that I wished I had read a lot sooner. It's by Dr. James Dobson and it's called Love Must Be Tough.

I think it does a really good job at telling you how to handle the spouse that is having an affair. To over generalize, he tells you to respect yourself first.

I wish I had read him sooner. I didn't have problems with the affairs in my most recent marriage (not physical anyway, I think there was an emotional one with her ex).

I know its too late now in this case. If only we had all known, right? I post it here for the benefit of anyone else reading.

Keith,

Happy Easter, my old friend! As you know, Tanelorn and I have walked this road with ya, and I have to tell ya--what you're feeling is completely normal. I generally go along okay, and then some little thing hits me just right and I tail-spin--and it's been four years for me!!! Plus I have had the pleasure of meeting Tanelorn and marrying him!!

Here's an example. Just last week my exH caught me on IM and mentioned that he was taking his latest conquest to a lodge in upstate NY. I got SO MAD and SAD and just was a WRECK because the folks who own the lodge were "our" friends and they are supposed to be "my" friends too !! He had no right taking some other woman to "our" lodge!!! Of course, we have been divorced for four years, and I am ecstatically remarried...so in fact he does have the right...but it just hit me wrong.

Keith, it's normal to be doing okay and then suddenly be hit by grief. Hopefully the goal is for it to be longer and longer between the grief and have longer and longer periods of being okay. One thing you might want to try, if you haven't already, is to begin to reclaim some of the "holidays" and annual "important days" as your own. My old anniversary day is now "Unniversary Day" and I take myself to the spa for a massage and mani/pedi. For years, I tried to do Easter the "old" way with some sort of family get together, but it was depressing to have my mom and sister and her family look at me like I was the poor little orphan...so I decided to have an Open House Easter instead, and I invited all the single ladies from my group to my house for a big old ham dinner. They bring something to share and chocolate, and we call it even. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So some of these days...just ride the wave and know they'll be over soon. Other days...well be proactive and make your own KEITH MEMORIES of them .

Again my dear old friend, I say: Happy Easter.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ