Ok I don't understand what just happened with my H and I. I was getting ready to take the kids to an easter egg hunt and I asked him if he wanted to come and he said no he would stay and straighten up, so I asked if the baby could stay with him since it was cold and windy out. I had told him the kids wanted to go to the movies and I wanted him to come with us. He said he thought it was a good idea until I brought it up now that I did he feels obligated to go with us instead of going because he wants to. I told him if that's how he feels than he from now on I want him to suggest things for us to do as a family and he said whatever. So I got upset and I told him that I am bored and I want to have more fun with him and the kids. I am a SAHM and I get tired of sitting in the house all the time. I told him I feel like a single mother because most of the things the kids do I do it with them alone and I want him to be more involved with us. He does well with the two little ones but the older two I take care of them alone. I went home for spring break and I have to say I didn't miss him when I was gone. I know he missed me and I came home because the kids missed him. I told him I feel disconnected from him and that I didn't really want to come home when I did but I came back because the kids missed him and he told me to go to ****** and that I should be happy that the only thing I have to complain about is the fact that he doesn't really show an interest in me or the things I like and that he doesn't spend much time doing family things outside of the house with the me and the kids. I am upset and I don't know what to do. It's like he doesn't want me to tell him when I am unhappy with things in the relationship. However I am trying to tell him so I can reconnect with him. I don't think he understands my POV nor does he want to. I think he is acting like a rebellious kid. Anytime I mention anything I would like to do he feels like I am trying to tell him what to do and he automatically does the opposite. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. Can someone please give me some insight.

I forgot to add this. He told me that sometimes he feel like I(Maryam) married the wrong person (him) The things I am asking him for are the things we us to do all the time. We used to always go out and have fun together now those times are few and far in between. I know we have four kids but they have plenty of things we can do together as a family but he says if he does the things I suggest it will be out of obligation not because he wants to or that he is having fun.

Do you suspect that he is having an affair?

What about spending time together as A COUPLE..not just as A FAMILY? What about ROMANCE in your relationship?

I honestly don't know Mimi. I know before when I asked him what should we do about the problems we were having he said maybe he should get a GF and then today he said the I could be having a lot more problems with him then the above mentioned it makes me think. But before he has always tried to make me jealous so I don't know if that is what this is.

I texted him and told him that just because I wasn't ready to come home doesn't mean that I don't love him. I was just happy to be doing something different for a change and that I do love him and I was very happy to see and spend time with him. I also told him to be careful because he sped off.

As far as romance the last thing we did was for valentines day. Before that is was 12/31/06 so not often.

He feels that because we have kids that we have to spend all of our time at home and I don't agree with that.

I would love to spend time alone with him outside of the house without the kids but I don't think he feels the same. His Dr told him that he maybe suffering mild depression and I would not doubt it because all the things he does he does out of obligation not fun that would make anyone depressed.

Please read the links in my sig line, especially the first one. I think you will find exactly the answer you're looking for.
Mulan

Mulan I have and I agree this is what is going on between us even our C said that he was PA but I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I try and use I statements when I address him and he still finds a way to personalize anything I say. He doesn't listen to me because he is to busy trying to defend himself instead listening to what I am saying.

Are you separated?

If so, if you want to work on your marriage, you need to go home..

Also, that would be best for your young children.

Are you familiar with the MB Concepts..no LBing..no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements?

Going home, applying those concepts are necessary to begin working on your MARRIAGE if that is what YOU want to do.

Begin to focus on YOURSELF and what YOU want to do...not on changing HIM.

Please take the time to read the thread listed below in my sig line. It's long, but believe me - it's exactly what you're looking for. The people posting there (mostly women) are going through the same thing you are going through.

That thread is active and ongoing on the In Recovery board. Once you've read it, post your questions on that thread or this one and we'll go from there.

Please take the time to read that thread.
Mulan

Ok Mulan I will check it out. Thanks for your help

Mimi we are together but I did tell him if things between us were not better by the time the kids are out of school I was leaving. I have been working a lot on trying to change the things I was doing wrong in the R but I asked him if he even noticed and he said he had to think about it.

I want our R to work but I want to be happy in it not feel bored to death. I have a ringtone on my phone and he told me that I am not 24 anymore. I think he acts like an old man and he wants me to follow suit. That's not who I am. I am a fun loving person and always have been but I am still very devoted to my family.

Subconciously, you want him to fail...you want your relationship with your H to disintegrate .. your H is picking up on this .. he can sense it like someone who smells a foul odor .. but doesn't know who to blame it on .. and it's making him angry..and resentful.

How are you going to improve your marriage and your relationship with your husband if your mind is wondering through "greener pastures"? After all, who wants to be with an "Old man" when there's a certain fun loving young buck who is conveniently available available .. right??

Where's the trust? No trust....no love...no romance.

You are focusing on the small issues when the main one isn't being addressed?

You are also giving a timeline to a WS mindset who doesn't have a watch.

From what I read, as long as you allow him t/b a WS, he w/b.

Don't give him a timeline, do it. Move forward w/o him and he needs to see you doing so. Not have an A but not allow him to hold you back so he can depress you more.

This is a biggie. As long as he is a WS (even if only emotionally), it is dangerous to your family.

Now in your court, you need t/b making your improvements for yourself, your family and yes your M. They will be mostly the same items so it shouldn't be a long list.

Read His needs/Her needs. Learn how to communicate with your H then learn how to communicate with a WS. Different styles but you need to know how the male mind thinks, then how the WS mindset works. You can get a few tools from here to combat the WS mindset (i.e. 180, reverse babble, etc.)

Do not play let's make a deal with the WS and do NOT try to teach him anything. Instead move forward. He will see it. Know that it is critical to a WS mentality to know he has you in control or under thumb. When you move forward he loses that control and that will irk him big time.

JMHO,
L.

In shockman I would have to say I love my H with all my heart and I want our relationship to work. The young buck I want is my H. I know he is a good man and father. If I didn't want it to work I would not be trying so hard to make it work. Also as far as the young buck goes I have not even spoken with him in at least the last two months exspet when he came to check out the AC and whatever I had felt for him before I no longer felt. If I wanted to act on anything with him I am sure I could have but instead I told my H so we could work on our R. If he is angry and resentful it is not because of anything I have been doing because I have not been LBing him and I have taken to heart anything he tells me where as before I would just write it off because I thought he was just being anal. I have been doing alot better on fixing the things I have been doing wrong in our R does that sound like someone who is looking to run off into the sunset to fantasy land.

I know that whatever problems I am having in the R I would have in a new one because I would be the only constant that is why I am working so hard to fix me. I think you got the wrong impression of me.

Don't give him a timeline, do it. Move forward w/o him and he needs to see you doing so. Not have an A but not allow him to hold you back so he can depress you more.

This is a biggie. As long as he is a WS (even if only emotionally), it is dangerous to your family.

Orchird can you please clarify this for me? Should I do the things with the kids alone that I would like us to do as a family? Is that what you mean instead of sitting around waiting to for him to participate.

I think he is detached as well but he claims he loves me. I talked to him last night and I told him for some reason he seems to think it's immpossible to please me but I told him all I really want is for him to affirm me like he used to do and to have fun with me like we used to do only now not just with me but with the kids as well.

As far as fixing myself I have been working really hard to give him what he was asking of me. I started turning off the t.v. more like he asked, I started asking him if it was ok to purchase something instead of thinking it's better to ask for forgivness than premission, I started cleaning 3x's a day to keep the house clean for him. I cook three meals a day most days unless something comes up. I no longer try and defend my behavior when he comes to me to talk about a poblem I listen and try to find a solution. I don't know what else I can do.

Now I understand what LG meant when he said that we didn't get here over night that it took years to build the negative ways we communitcated. I thought things were going so well but I think he had gotten used to the stauas quo and he is trying to take us back to where we were because he was comfortable if not happy.

I tried to have a conversation with him about what he did while I was gone and he said nothing. I can't make him open up to me.

I asked him why he was angry when I told him I wasn't ready to come home because I was having fun and he said he thought that meant that I didn't love/miss him. I told him that could not be farther from the truth that I just like change I don't like to do the same things all the timed because I get bored and that me wanting to stay longer had nothing to do with him.

Is it wrong for me to want to have fun with my H and want to hear that he appreciate me and the things I do? Is there one person that does not want to know that the S finds them attractive? I want to know if he thinks I am a good mom/wife. I tell myself this but I still would like to hear it from him. Does that make me wayward? Does it make me a bad person that I want to feel that my H is interested in me and my day to day?

DIG:

Did you read the post you just posted?

About this:


That is how he FELT about your response and what he FELT about your leaving.

And then you dismiss all of it with this:


You state one thing, but your actions show another thing.

Your H may have some P/A tendencies. I don't know, read Mulan's thread and compare to your H. It just might be he doesn't yet feel comfortable in having a conversation regarding his feelings with you.

Because in every conversation you recount with him, he never seems to get a chance to speak. To really state his case. There is only anger or silence, or ????

That is what you need to change in your conversations with him.

Allow him to talk. Allow him to start a conversation regarding his feelings and allow him to finish his thoughts before you interrupt. Or worse, disagree with him.... That will stop the "feelings" talk fast.

And remember, this is DIG making it easier, and slowly Mr DIG will realize that it is safer for him to talk.

And then he will talk more. And become more attached.

LG

DIG, are you sure you want some "insight?" If you "get some insight," will you accept it or reject it?

If you accept it, what will you do with it, other than give "mental assent" to it?

"Love" is an action verb. It is also a "state of being." "Feelings of love," i.e. emotional responses, are the EFFECTS of the first cause, which is being and acting out of love. What stops love dead in it's tracks?

Self-centeredness and selfishness.

Insight...you are both operating from a "what's in it for me" standpoint that is diametrically opposed to Love. And still you want the effects.....you ARE getting the effects, you just don't like them.

What IS the definition of "insanity?" Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Is there a reason to change and do something different?

Not as long as the actions are based in selfishness. As long as the "Taker" instead of the "Giver" controls actions, words, and perceptions, love CANNOT be part of your marriage.

Today is the day that we remember the ultimate expression of LOVE, through action, for the benefit of the one that is loved, not for His own "needs." Think about it.

God bless.

Yes, I've been wondering about your LOVE for your HUSBAND, DIG?

Are you, yourself, interested at all in someone else?

In order to work on your marriage, it's up to YOU to take the FIRST STEP in looking at YOURSELF and what YOU can do to be the best WIFE that YOU CAN BE....

YOU ARE ONLY IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF....

Yes, I've been wondering about your LOVE for your HUSBAND, DIG?

Are you, yourself, interested at all in someone else?

In order to work on your marriage, it's up to YOU to take the FIRST STEP in looking at YOURSELF and what YOU can do to be the best WIFE that YOU CAN BE....

YOU ARE ONLY IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF....


DIG, are you sure you want some "insight?" If you "get some insight," will you accept it or reject it?

If you accept it, what will you do with it, other than give "mental assent" to it?

"Love" is an action verb. It is also a "state of being." "Feelings of love," i.e. emotional responses, are the EFFECTS of the first cause, which is being and acting out of love. What stops love dead in it's tracks?

Self-centeredness and selfishness.

Insight...you are both operating from a "what's in it for me" standpoint that is diametrically opposed to Love. And still you want the effects.....you ARE getting the effects, you just don't like them.

What IS the definition of "insanity?" Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Is there a reason to change and do something different?

Not as long as the actions are based in selfishness. As long as the "Taker" instead of the "Giver" controls actions, words, and perceptions, love CANNOT be part of your marriage.

Today is the day that we remember the ultimate expression of LOVE, through action, for the benefit of the one that is loved, not for His own "needs." Think about it.

God bless.

I don't know how to reply to either of your responses. Have you read what I wrote. I said I realized the things I have been doing to contribute to the problems we are having in our R and have been working to correct them. All the things he have said were LB's I have not been doing and I have been doing the best I could to meet his EN. How does that show that I don't love or want my R with my H to work?

I am not doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results I have been doing the things I used to do from when we started dating the things I suppuect he fell in love with me.

LG as far as your comment goes I didn't disregard my H feelings. I told him that I was sorry if I hurt his feelings that that was not my intention then I told him that how he felt couldn't be farther from the truth. However when he stormed out after I said this he didn't even try and give me a chance to explain he just went off because of what he thought I meant instead of getting clarification.

Since you all seem to think I am doing something wrong that I can't seem to see own my own I ask you to point out where I am falling short so I can correct the problem/s. I also talk to my H and he said that he thinks we have a good R except when I complain to him. I saw our neighbors arguing today after I posted and they made me very thankful for my H. I have to say of all the problems we have had we never yell or call each other names. Mimi no I am not interested in anyone else. I am just interested in having the best R possible with the man I have.

When I get time, I will go back over your posts more carefully.

Until that time, NO MORE COMPLAINING is a good start. As you may be noticing, IT NEVER WORKS OR IS HELPFUL...

((((DIG))))

Thank you so much Mimi I really appreciate it more than you know. The reason I want to have a great relationship is because he is who I want to be with and I want to fix what is wrong because I don't want either of us to be tempted. The easist way to keep away trouble is to fight it off before it gets there. I don't want to be blindsided. I know how it feels to be tempted I don't know if he was ever tempted since we have been together but if he should I want to know I am meeting all his needs so no one else would be a factor and I want the same from him.

I don't complain to him often and when I do it's because I see it heading to a problem. Also when I do I use I statement like for instance yesterday I said I would like you to spend more time with me and the kids and he took that as a complaint. I only said I think he act like an old man on here, at home I say hey baby I love you let your hair down and have fun. Is anything wrong with that?