DIG:

Please hang around. You will get this. And it might take a while, or not long at all.

I was stuck in the same loop as your H. It took an A and this Website to fix it. OK?

But let me point this out:



That is your Truth, Not HIS.

And then:



Because his Truth was ignored, and no matter what he said, it wouldn't have been his truth, it would only be yours.

Do you see the difference?

You were not home. There was an agreed/assumed time that you would return. And then you do not come home.

When asked why, you felt like staying out and having more fun, "Because he was an old stick in the mud. And BTW, we need more cash in the checking account."

That is NOT WHAT YOU SAID, HOWEVER, IT IS WHAT HE HEARD.

And when the issue comes up later, HIS opinion is ignored.

Stop That!

Listen.
Listen.
Listen.

Can't you see?

You mentioned your neighbors... Yelling at each other. Maybe that is thier way of communicating. It may work for them. Hey, BW and I never shouted at each other. I just avoided that. Or walked away. Do not consider it a strengh that you do not yell at each other. Yelling shows passion. (However, it can be a form of abuse.)

When you do not communicate, then all the slights/hurts/misunderstanding fester.

And then the real problems begin.

OK?

Stay with us.

We can help.

You H may not be perfect, but we can't work on him. But we can help you.

LG

Ok, DIG..starting from your first post...



Did I miss something? You went away on spring break and didn't miss your H. I miss my H during the day at work. Then, you TOLD HIM that you didn't miss him and you know he MISSED YOU. You are surprised that he was ANGRY and/or HURT by what you said?



In this interaction, you first told him that you didn't miss him..OUCH..so he probably doesn't want to listen to what you have to say....To him it may have sounded like, "I DON'T LOVE YOU"...OUCH...

Since you are a SAHM, he must be a GOOD PROVIDER, right? He probably is seeking ADMIRATION for that.

He is more likely to LISTEN to you if you are meeting his primary ENs.

Have you read the MB's BASIC CONCEPTS?

Do you have a copy of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS?

I recommend for you to get yourself a copy of this book and begin reading it ASAP.

Just from reading this first note of yours, I get the sense that your H may FEEL unloved by you, seeing you as critical of him and complaining a lot. MEN FEEL UNLOVED when criticized and disrespected by their wives...so he will behave like a REBELLIOUS KID...

Ok Mimi I think you miss reread what I wrote. I didn't tell my H that I didn't miss him. I told him I wasn't ready to come home. Let me ask you something. If you felt like your H was not interested in almost anything that you had to say and everytime it made you feel that way it hurt you would you miss him as much as you do now when he is gone. I am dettached because I don't like feeling hurt everytime I feel like he doesn't care about me and that he takes me for granted.

Also I have read HN/HN and the five langages of love, Getting the love you want and many more books why do you think I am here I am looking and have been for a while to fix what is wrong it hasn't just started. I know my H is a good provider and I tell him daily how much I appreciate all that he does for us. I tell him how handsome and sexy I think he is on a daily basis. I don't critize my H often. I asked him and he says that he doesn't feel like that is the problem he thinks I ask to many questions. I always have. It's something he complained about when we were dating. He said he didn't mind so much then because he didn't feel like I was deperate for answers. I told him that I feel desprate for answers now because he is not opem with me and back then he would tell me anything. That's what's changed.

He says he feels pressured when I ask him questions and it was something we talked about in C. She told me not to ask questions but to use I statements which I have been doing but he still is stuck in the mode we use to work and whenever I say I he knows what the C said so he know I want to ask a question and he feels pressured by this. It's like I can't win. I love him dearly and I don't want to walk away from what we have. It's so good in so many ways but we still have things we need to fix I can't continue going on feeling like my H doesn't care about what goes on with me. The C said that I felt tempted to cheat because I want his attention so much and I haven't gotten it doing the things he asked of me so I felt like acting out. I have to say that is true I used to do crazy things for attention when I was growing up and I feel that going on in our R now but I am working hard not to go down that road.

DIG - This was your response:

"I don't know how to reply to either of your responses. Have you read what I wrote. I said I realized the things I have been doing to contribute to the problems we are having in our R and have been working to correct them. All the things he have said were LB's I have not been doing and I have been doing the best I could to meet his EN. How does that show that I don't love or want my R with my H to work?

I am not doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results I have been doing the things I used to do from when we started dating the things I suppuect he fell in love with me.

LG as far as your comment goes I didn't disregard my H feelings. I told him that I was sorry if I hurt his feelings that that was not my intention then I told him that how he felt couldn't be farther from the truth. However when he stormed out after I said this he didn't even try and give me a chance to explain he just went off because of what he thought I meant instead of getting clarification.

Since you all seem to think I am doing something wrong that I can't seem to see own my own I ask you to point out where I am falling short so I can correct the problem/s. I also talk to my H and he said that he thinks we have a good R except when I complain to him. I saw our neighbors arguing today after I posted and they made me very thankful for my H. I have to say of all the problems we have had we never yell or call each other names. Mimi no I am not interested in anyone else. I am just interested in having the best R possible with the man I have."

DIG, people HAVE been trying to point out things to you, but you have an "ANSWER" for everything...."been there, done that." But you don't HEAR. You listen, you read, but you don't HEAR.

Have you ever heard the one about "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?" Until the horse decides that he NEEDS to drink, all the water provided will "go to waste."

You say you are "Doing" what you did when you first met your husband. Wonderful, but you didn't have a "marriage memory" to deal with, you didn't have the reality of adultery to deal with, you are simply going back to doing thing you THINK can make him love you again and "recover" the "fairytale" marriage you wanted "back then."

DIG, neither one of you is the same person today. You can't "make your husband drink the water" until you give him a reason to be "thirsty." He doesn't want the "water" you are offering because he "tried that once and it wasn't enough to 'slake' his thirst. He craves real water now, but he is not ready to be "equally yoked" to you so that you are both pulling the "marriage wagon" together. Not only is it easier to pull with two rather than just one, you have to pull in the same direction, toward the same goal. Right now you are both pulling in different directions because you are both viewing it from the standpoint of "what *I* need" rather than what the individual ROLES are of a husband and wife IN a marriage. Neither one of you is single, yet you both want to continue on trying to "manipulate" the other into behaving as you think the other "should" behave.

You want to manipulate by "using what I used 'back then." You want to manipulate by discounting HIS real perceptions and reactions 'because that isn't what I meant' and you shouldn't interpret things from YOUR 'frame of reference.'
You want to manipulate by shifting the "blame" to someone else, i.e., "the counselor told me to use "I" statements to disguise what I really want....to ask questions." Your husband isn't stupid and he knows exactly what you are doing to make it look like you are doing something different, but you are not. You are STILL approaching it all from the self-centered perspective of "what's in it for me?!"

Your husband is too. He is "being" the person he thinks you want him to be, but when you "get inside his space," i.e. his aversion to your multitude of questions, he slams down the curtain on discussion and goes into "protect me" mode.

Why does it perhaps seem as though we are "picking on you?" Because you are the one who is here seeking help for your MARRIAGE, not just for you individually. Because the only one YOU can change is YOU. IF there are things that negatively affecting your marriage that are within your control, then you either make the necessary changes or you stay "status quo" and "WISH" that things would get better.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Now, click your heels together.....

There is no "magic bullet or shoes" that will fix everything right now. But one truth is that you always "had the power" to go home. Partly because you don't know you HAVE that power of changing yourself and partly because you just don't want to use that power....the power of giving in love, not expecting someone to be transformed into your idea of what you want in a mate.

God bless and good luck with your continued marriage recovery efforts.

I basically agree with Forever but will continue to dialogue with you a bit...

You said that I MISREAD what you wrote. This is a direct quote from your post:



Ok. You didn't specifically say to him that you didn't miss him..but isn't this HONESTLY what you were saying...but not in those particular WORDS...I'm thinking that is what he HEARD, explaining his RESPONSE...

FH thank you for your response but I think maybe I am just a little slow because I don't understand what you say I am doing wrong. Can you please elaborate and break it down into simplier terms so us common folk can understand. Do you think the advice the C give wasn't accurate? What do you feel I should be doing and hearing that am not. What adultery are you refering to. Neither of us cheated. I wasonly tempted to cheat never did instead told my H what I was feeling so we could fix our issues.

Speaking as the WIFE and PERSON that I AM NOW, I would question what I PERSONALLY COULD DO TO CHANGE THE SITUATION. After reading those books that you have read, I would think you would be informed that you probably are not meeting his ENs. I would take a look at MYSELF and have NO EXPECTATION of MAKING HIM CHANGE INTO WHO I WANT HIM TO BE. Forever, has it, DIG. You are thinking, feeling and saying: "ME, ME, ME" rather than focusing on what YOU CAN GIVE in order to RECEIVE.



Do you SINCERELY FEEL these things or are you just saying them? Because if you APPRECIATE him and are ATTRACTED to him, you would MISS HIM. I find my H to be ATTRACTIVE AND SEXY so I MISS him while I am at work each day.



Do you see where this is ME, ME, ME..you wanting something FROM HIM...rather than focusing on GIVING to him? And, what kind of ANSWERS are you talking about? I can understand how he may feel PRESSURED. Your counselor told you to STOP ASKING QUESTIONS...SO STOP....plain and simple.....STOP...



You do not see that him going to work each day and PROVIDING for his family is a FORM OF CARING???? He has to evidence his caring the way that YOU WANT HIM TO????



Are you saying here that I was CORRECT yesterday in thinking that you may be interested in someone else? When were you TEMPTED TO CHEAT?



You are a grown up woman now with a husband and children. You want to GO FORWARD..not BACKWARDS...UPWARDS..not DOWNWARDS...

I am saying all this to try to help you..not to beat up on you...in case that is what you have been thinking....

I know you are and that's why I am here I know I need it.

So what are his PRIMARY ENs??



TRUE GIVING IS WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF GETTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. IT IS NOT CONDITIONAL!!



But HE is NOT a TALKER. You have to ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS and NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM. Are you saying that he was DIFFERENT BEFORE and USED TO BE A TALKER?? That's different for the majority of men who are more DOERS than TALKERS.



So you are saying that YOU ONLY FEEL LOVED WHEN HE SHOWS YOU LOVE YOUR WAY? Do you see how your husband must feel rejected by you? You don't love him for who HE IS. You may want him to be someone who HE IS NOT.

See if you can begin to FOCUS on LOVING HIM.

PRACTICE taking the focus off of YOURSELF and what HE CAN DO FOR YOU.

Read up on PLAN A and DO THAT.

I bet that the the RESULT of this is for him to be more LOVING towards YOU in ways that you can see and FEEL.

JUST DO IT, DIG...

FOCUS on evidencing your LOVE for HIM and see what happens.

TELL him how much YOU APPRECIATE AND ADMIRE how hard he works to take care of HIS FAMILY.

Remember do this without the EXPECTATION that he will TALK to you about how he feels about your ACTIONS.

Do not ASK HIM HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOUR CHANGES.

JUST DO IT....

All of those babies need to grow up with their MOMMY and DADDY living together, loving each other..

Ok I see what you are saying so even though I have been doing the things he asked of me because I am looking for him to reciporcate and that is why I am unhappy. I am giving but with expectations.

His Top 5 would be in order as follows

Domestic Support

Family Commitment

Sexual fullfillment

O & H

COnversation

My H is a talker it's just that he only wants to talk about things that interest him. Which most of the time is basketball. I love him but I like to talk about different things not the same things all the time. When I try to talk about somthing other than the things he likes to talk about he acts uninterested.

So there you have it, DIG..CONVERSATION is way down on his list..so if he does talk, understandably , it's going to be what he's interested in....

TOP NEEDS..DOMESTIC SUPPORT; FAMILY COMMITMENT...

What's important to him is that you are there raising the children with him and he is bringing home the bacon...

TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME A DOMESTIC GODDESS!!!

Are you keeping those HOME FIRES BURING??????

What's for DINNER, tonight??

What is YOUR ATTIRE??

Lipstick and mascara applied?????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok I have been doing these things for this knuckle head but because his Dr said he needed more Vitaman D in his diet. I have to cook things like liver and Salmon and he doesn't like it as much as the other things I cook so he has complained about that but I am doing it for him.

I have been making a better effort of cleaning and cooking I like to play and do fun things and I used to do that first and clean after I was done and that would make him angry so now I try and make sure I get the hard stuff out of the way so I can have untarnished fun time with hm and the kids.

I always try to look nice for him but I don't think he really cares about that because he has never mentioned it.

LOL..we very LOVINGLY call our sons "KNUCKLEHEADS"...

Cook stuff with VITAMIN D..AND..cook some stuff that HE ESPECIALLY LIKES...he will FEEL LOVED...

Stop YES, BUTTING, DIG...

Don't TRY..Don't "MAKE A BETTER EFFORT"..DO IT and DO IT WELL...that is, THE COOKING AND THE CLEANING....THIS IS YOUR JOB!!! It can't be ALL PLAY and NO WORK!! Be the VERY BEST WIFE that YOU CAN BE..work towards EXCELLENCE...you won't achieve PERFECTION, of course..but work towards EXCELLENCE...



Again you used the word "TRY"...and "FOR HIM"...

Don't TRY..DO LOOK NICE TODAY..for YOURSELF..because it is the GOOD AND RIGHT THING TO DO...regardless of the way that he feels about it...BUT he will like it and notice..even though he MAY NOT TELL YOU...he can learn..but I am encouraging YOU TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP...

I agree with you 100% Mimi. I should do just because it's right and good. No scratch that I will do it because it is right and good even if he doesn't reciporcate my kids will learn the right thing from one of us. I know I can be a little hardheaded sometimes. I think my H and I have a lot in common and I really am a lucky woman.

I told him before that God put us together for a reason. Him with me to keep me out of jail and me with him to keep him from boring himself to death.

I am taking another step on the right path today and everyday. That's one of my affirmations I get better and better in every positive way everyday. I am growing it's just taking me a while. I was a very stubborn and bullheaded little girl I think it's how I survived my childhood now I have to realize that my H is not my father and I can't relate to them the same once I get this down I will be good.

I THOUGHT YOU AND I WERE SOME SORT OF SOULMATES..THAT'S WHY I MUST HAVE LATCHED ON TO YOU...



Please whatever you do, GET THIS!!!

This is one of the biggest mistakes that I made in MY MARRIED LIFE..trying to redo my stuff with my father IN MY MARRIAGE...

I'm praying that for you it doesn't take the TRAGEDIES that I went through for you to ACCEPT THIS..to really INTERNALIZE this....

Learn to love your H for who HE IS...

Yes, the Lord brought you together for a reason...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths..PROVERBS

Share some more though about the TEMPTATION you had to have an AFFAIR.

Was this an IDEA or was there a REAL PERSON associated with this TEMPTATION?

It was a CS rep that worked with the company that built our house. We would talk when he would fix things around the house. My H and/or kids would be there most of the time he was so everything we talked about was innocent. I just liked and was attracted to him because he talked to me and I am a talker. He would also notice if I did different things with the house and my H if did would not make any mention. He is now in another neighborhood and I no longer see or talk to him. I did right before he left to go to the new neighborhood because we were having a problem with the AC and when I saw him whatever I felt before was no more and I felt so good because I did the right thing. It was wonderful. I save myself, H,kids and OM famliy a lot of grief.

Oh I lovingly call my H and kids Knuckleheads too. I like calling the big head too. They know it's all out of love. My son out of love and because he really does have a big head. LOL:)

DIG:

Now that Mimi's on your side, things should be looking up.

I wanted to comment on this statemetn:



Why can't you talk about basketball?

I sure you aren't bringing up Kant with him.

If you don't listen to him about basketball, you will never get to him telling you about his real concerns.

I am not taking him off the hook for participating in a conversation with you. Because he does have a responsibility there.

You state that he is a talker, and so are you. So what's the problem?

Resentment and DJ's.

You resent that he won't talk about what you want. (Kids, the house, the family vacation, etc.)

However, you won't talk about what he wants. Because it's stupid. (basketball) DJ's.

When you first started dating, you talked alot. Stepped on a few landmines at first, found out more about the other person. Thought that they were pretty neat and spent more time together, talking. About what? Basketball for him, many other subjects for you. But it was interesting and new.

For both of you.

And then you step on a few more landmines, areas you can't talk about, because he gets angry, or you get angry, and you just don't want to go there. Slowly but surely, over the years of the M, these landmine areas get larger. Then with kids and the different goals that they bring, whole area's of discussion is cut off. And the area's that you can converse in with out argument are narrow.

Which gets you to today.

Can you see the pattern?

Start listening to your H. Even if it is about the Clemson Tigers Basketball program. "Insert his team here" Because that will go a long way towards your goal of getting him to talk with you about what you are interested in.

((DIG))

LG

Listen to LG....

So you don't have to learn THE HARD WAY..like I did...

LG speaks the voice of our Hs....

My H went off and found a woman who LISTENED to that STUFF he likes to TALK and TALK and TALK about...you see, my H is a TALK, TALK, TALKER and I'm very QUIET...

NOW... I do A LOT, A LOT of REAL LISTENING...have learned a lot about HIM in conjunction with "DEEP" topics he likes to DISCUSS/GIVE SPEECHES ON...whereas back in the day I used to basically tell him to "SHUT UP"..

Guess what, just like LG says, NOW... HE LISTENS TO ME and I mostly TALK ALOT when I'm VENTING ABOUT STUFF...how boring..like the DRAMA QUEEN AT WORK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />