Ok LG amd Mimi I have to say writing here has shown me yet another way that my H and I are alike. Thank you for pointing this out to me. I do listen to my honey talk about basketball but because we talk about it all the time I sure my H can tell I am not as interested as I should be and I realize that he may feel the same way that I do. Hurt because he doesn't feel like I am interested in the things that interesrt him.

I read you guys post yesterday but couldn't reply but because I read the post I related to my H differently I actually asked him basketball related questions and he even said one was really good and it made him feel good because I showed an interest in him. We had a really goodnight.

I realized something else about myself as well. I have issues with binging. I do it when I feel sad or lonely. Well yesterday I didn't eat to numb my feeling and I interacted alot more with my H. I feel so much better about our relationship and it's all because we talked. I will start doing better at not trying to bury my feelings so I can get closer to my H because I realzied that is why I was doing it in the first place because I didn't feel close to him and was afraid to reach out to him for fear of having him reject me. Now I understand that if we always hide behind the food or whatever we as S use to hide with no matter if it is T.V., computer, OP, shopping you can never get what you want out of life if you don't take risk.

Me risking feeling rejected by my H if I reach out and get what I need to from my H means I get what I need and so does he. Because I did that yesterday we had a really wonderful day and I think it was well worth it.

Signed not so desperate in GA anymore.

Ok I don't know what happened but it seems like every step we take forward we take one backward.

Yesterday I cleaned the house from top to bottom and I fixed a wonderful belated Easter dinner turkey breast, ham, mustard greens, mac and cheese, stuffing, gravy, cornbread & peach cobbler. He cleaned his plate. He watched a movie and we had great conversation most of the day.

Then last night after the movie he turned after we talked about the movie he turned on me. He said something that hurt my fellings and then he left and went to start cleaning up his closet mind you it was going on 1:00 am and I had told my H that I had wanted to go to bed at 11:00 because I was tired because we stayed up late two nights in a row and I have to get up with the kids in the mornings. I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said straightening out his closet I asked if that could wait for another time and he said I have been meaning to do this for quite some time. I said I know but it's almost one and he said I am almost done. Then told me to go to sleep. I said I would but Ii wanted him to turn off the light and the music so I could then he said he would turn it off when he was done n the closet. I said you would not be running from me because you think you hurt my feelings by any chance and he smiled and said no then he said I will be back in a few minutes and went back in the closet. about 5 mns later he came back and turned off the t.v. and light and got in the bed and turned his back to me so I knew he was trying to punish me automatically. I told him he thought that he had hurt my feelings the best thing he could do would be to aplologize not shut down and withdraw from me. He didn't answer so I said I am waiting. He said I am sorry and I ask for what and he said for hurting your fellings and I asked if that was all and he said yes. I said why not for withdrawing and shutting me out and he didn't say anything. Then at that point I said I want you to be open and honest with me and you are not doing that. I said him hurting my feelings and then shuting me out was not only unfair to me but to our R. I then told him I need him to be honest with me and he is not doing that and he said that nothing was wrong. I said that I have been with you for almost ten years and I know when you find things to keep you busy that you are shutting me out and I feel that it is only fair that know at least why so I can fix it and he never said anything that next thing I knew he was snoring and I was mad as ******. I couldn't go to sleep and I stayed up for a while because I was reeling inside. Then this morning when he got up I said good morning and I fixed a glass of OJ and he said with an attitude I don't want that. I asked if he was in a better mood and he said are you? I said yes and he said you started early and I asked if he wanted breakfast and he said no and I said ok and I walked away and I haven't said anything else to him since nor has he to me.

I have been seriously been considering telling him that if he wants to make our relationship work that he needs to see our C alone. Also I am having some doubts about him. He deleted all of his incoming text from his phone including the sweet and racy ones I sent him everything except ones from work and one his brother sent him. Also he the weekend when he stormed out I asked him where he went and if he was with anybody and he said he went to the office because he had to send off some parts and that if was with someone else he would not still be angry with me and I asked him how would he know and he didn't answer.

I am so confused and I am tired. I really need help. I am really trying and I don't know what else to do. Can anyone advise? I am sorry this is so long.

Bumping this up so that hopefully someone can give you a bit of advice. From my perspective, I'm not sure what to tell you.

Dig:

Do you suspect that he is having an affair? Is that what you are thinking and feeling in your GUT?




What did he SAY to HURT YOUR FEELINGS?

BTW, you did GREAT on COOKING the dinner (YUM!!) and CLEANING. Regardless of his response, those were GOOD AND RIGHT THINGS TO DO!!!

DIG:

Let us know what the interaction was. We can help understand what may have happened.

Cleaning the closet at 1:00 am? He was really p***** at you wasn't he?

I would do the same thing. Or clean the garage.

My BW says the Garage is really messy now, but she likes it that way..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

However, and this prompted me to post:

Could he be having an affair? Yes. Or getting close to one. You need more info.

Listen to your gut.

But, he could just be testing you. You make up the meal, have good conversations, clean house, etc. And then, he wants to test you, so he does something hurtful. I would think, this is a possibility. The other is, HE just doesn't know how to deal with you yet.

What would have happened in the past in these circumstances?

What was the response? Yours, His?

Because, you probably didn't react that way. And THAT has him confused.

And you have to have him sort thru that confusion to the new you to start making headway.

If he isn't having an affair.

Get a copy of the cell phone records......

LG

To tell the truth I just don't know. I have always trusted him for the most with not cheating I just didn't trust him with telling me anything that he deems will hurt me. I do know that when we started dating I used to have a lot of angry outbrusts but I went to C because I knew it couldn't be good for our R. I have gotten alot better with my angrer issues and communicating my feelings.

I don't know if he is cheating because he is not acting any differently other than deleting his text. Also his phone is for work so his statements go to the office not here. He has a GPS and I was thinking of putting a digital recorder in his car. I just don't know.

I am finding it harder to trust him lately because he doesn't communicate his feelings to me and when I ask him what's going on he lies or avoids by trying to change the subject. I know he doesn't like me being on here because you all give my ideas. Anything I try and do to better myself he doesn't like and I think it's because he doesn't want to do the same.

I love him I really do and I am trying so hard to make it work. I feel like School Bus. If our M doesn't work I know because I always was the trouble maker and he was always the good boy everyone will blame me for the outcome.

Mimi thank you for the encouragement and Owl thank you for trying to get me some help. I think that is really sweet. I really just want to cry. ****** I am crying. It's not something I do often but I can't help it. I feel so lost. I want to tell him so bad if he doesn't start do IC it is over between us.

LG when you say that he is trying to test me I think that is what he maybe doing because he said that he doesn't understand me anymore. I told the C this and she said he doesn't know how to react to me now that I am better able to communicate my feelings and I told her I thought that would be a good thing and she said in time it will but he is going to have to learn how to react to the new me first.

When you say you bet he was pissed he act as if he was but I didn't do a thing to upset him so I don't understand this. I only got a few hours of sleep and I still couldn't take a nap because I can't keep my mind from racing. What am I doing wrong?

You didn't answer about what he said to HURT your feelings.

I don't see, though, what's so BAD about the interaction last night that would make you want to END it.

I don't see why not have confidence in your counselor who says that he needs to become accustomed to your positive changes.

Maybe he needed some time to himself last night to work some things out.

Remember..he does not TALK ABOUT FEELINGS..

You cannot make him into someone who does.

My H is like that, too. He's a TURTLE..the more FEELING he is having the MORE HE GOES INSIDE OF HIS SHELL..the more I try to FORCE him out..the DEEPER HE GOES..

I wait until he is ready to come back out on his own...

It sounds like he does not EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS in the same way that you do..

He sounds like a DOER moreso than a talker...

Maybe you should just LET HIM BE...

I read back over this, DIG..a lot of stuff here...

It seems to me that you started beating up on your H..

Were you mad because he didn't go to bed when you wanted him to?

You ASSUMED that he was "PUNISHING YOU"..."AUTOMATICALLY"...
Where did that come from? It's an ASSUMPTION..a DJ...He might have had something on his mind that had nothing to do with you...

You didn't BELIEVE what he TOLD you..and then you asked him to be HONEST with YOU..He said nothing was wrong. He even told you that he was SORRY for hurting his feelings.

It's like you have it set in your mind what you want him to say and do...and you feel like you KNOW what he is thinking and feeling without him having to TELL YOU...

That means that you are making ASSUMPTIONS about him...

HOW COULD HE HAVE WON WITH YOU LAST NIGHT? WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM HIM?

I used to do all these things with my H, DIG..

I've changed for the better in learning from folks here..SO BEEN THERE DONE THAT....

I am sorry I forgot to answer that one. Well we were having a good time and talking about the movie we had watched then I went in the shower to get cleaned up and I sing in the very well I might add. Won talent shows and was asked to join a band. He yell into the bathroom with an attitude that he was trying to listen to his music in peace. When he did this I felt really rejected and hurt because I wasn't that loud and I was in the othe room with the door closed. It's one of my triggers from my childhood and he knows it. My mom couldn't carry a note and whenever I would sing she would ask me to be quiet and tell me I was getting on her nerves much the way he did last night and he knew it would hurt and I think it was intent.

I also forgot to mention it is my time of the month and I have PMS and I am going on hardly any sleep and I am very irritable when I don't get my beauty sleep.

It's not this particular incident that makes me feel like running it's everytime I feel rejected when I am trying to do all I can and it doesn't seem like it's good enough. Just like when I was growing up. Nothing I did was good enough. I want him to learn how to communicate his feelings without hurting me. I am tired of hurting because he can't say that he needs space, without doing or saying something to hurt me. It's why I want him to go to IC. Is that wrong of me.

Also our C told him if he needs space to tell me because we he reacts the way he did last night it makes me feel rejected. I told him I all of people know what it means to need space ****** I have 4 kids and a H. I would be happy to give him that if I knew that's what he needed. What really hurt is that we were having such a good day and for him to just check out on me with no warning or anything.

What did he say?



When I'm trying to sort through something, I often clean...or organize closets, drawers, anything...

I think it makes me feel as though I'm cleaning things inside and out.




This is a DJ, Mary.

Don't get into his stuff...

It's VERY disrespectful.



His reply to your DJ was very respectful.



No, Mary, you don't know this.

He may have figured you meant what you said before...that you were tired and wanted to sleep.

He may have felt better now that his closet was cleaned and more than ready to sleep too.

You are assuming stuff.

DISRESPECTFUL.



Yikes, Mary!!

This is really really disrespectful.

Was he abusive to you? Or did he tell you something you didn't like?

Then you demand that he apologize? Wow!

How did it feel when he apologized? Did you think he meant it? Or do you think he just said it to get some peace for the night?

This kind of interaction is how you get a man to shut down from you.



Yikes, Mary! Please stop this!

Was his laying down w/ his back towards you about YOU?

Demanding an apology from him once wasn'tr good enough, huh? Had to demand another one from him?

Ouch!

How do you think that made him feel?



No, he's not. Why should he? You don't make it safe for him to.



You may have been w/ him for ten years, but you still can't read his mind!

You are in his stuff, Mary. You are assuming things. You are disrespecting him.



Why should he say anything? You already know all his thoughts, feelings, and intentions!!!???



Your question was disrespectful!

A better mood? Yikes! How did it make you feel when he turned the question back on you?

~ Marsh

Remember the important lesson from yesterday?

IT IS NOT HIS JOB TO HELP YOU REDO YOUR CHILDHOOD!!

Try with all your might to FOCUS ON TODAY. Try to love your H for who HE IS. He WILL NOT be able to UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILDHOOD NEEDS. He needs for you to be HIS WIFE..TODAY!!!



You are asking too much of him, Dig.

IT IS NOT HIS JOB TO HELP YOU FROM FEELING REJECTED.

It is his job to BE YOUR HUSBAND.



STAY FOCUSED ON THE GOOD!!!

He was cleaning his closet, Dig.

Think about all the folks around here who would give anything to have there husbands at home cleaning out the closet....

Yep...Marsh and I are on the SAME PAGE....

She is saying it clearer and better than me...

Ok Mimi and Marsh I reply to what both of you wrote when you read my earlier reply and respond to that and tell me if you still think I was beating up on him unjustly.

Mary, He was asking you to be quiet b/c he was listening to something else.

I'm sorry this made you trigger...and for your PMS, but Mary, that really is YOUR problem..not his.

Why can't your H ask a simple request of you w/o getting all your childhood stuff dumped on top of him?

Is that fair?

You want him to be open w/ you, but you can't allow him to make a simple request w/o sending you into a tail spin.

Couldn't you have talked yourself through that while you were in the shower?

"Oh, my H wants some quiet...needs me to hush so he can enjoy his music. Good to know. I know it's not b/c I can't sing well, afterall, I've won talent shows. This request is about him, not me."

~ Marsh

WHAT EARLIER REPLY, DIG?

I wasn't just that I thought he withdrew it's that if he needs space and I knew he needed space I would be more than accomadating. I admit with Marsh explaning the sitch the way she did I can see the error of my ways, however was I the only one wrong in this? I still feel he was wrong in doing and saying something he knew would hurt me.

Marsh I agree that it is my problem and I could have handled it better. I see I owe him an apology as well. It's not that he can't ask a simple request of me it's the way he did it.

Also he didn't start cleaning the closet until after he knew he hurt my feelings that's why I felt like he was running from me instead of facing me because he knew he hurt me.

Mary, why do you think your H is responsible for your feelings? Can he climb inside you and put pain inside you?

Do you want him to be open and honest w/ you or not?

If you do, then you MUST allow him to tell you what he wants, thinks and feels w/o getting angry for the feelings they INSPIRE inside of you.

How would you like it if every time you said something your H didn't like, he demanded you apologize for it?

Would it make you want to share MORE w/ him or LESS?

~ Marsh

I know you said he did it "W/ an attitude"

But, Mary, isn't he allowed to be frustrated? Isn't he allowed to his own feelings?

If you want him to ask/tell you things w/ the proper attitude you might as well tell him not to share anything w/ you.

~ Marsh