So you think he was trying to hurt you ON PURPOSE?

There is NO WAY that you can be in a INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP and NEVER touch on PAST HURTS.

You have overly high expectations of him, Dig, that he will be UNABLE to FULFILL.

He is not in this life just to take care of your emotions. He has his own personal issues, too.

No Marsh I don't think my H is responsible for my feelings but I have talked to him about how if feel about this certain subject so he knew it was a sore subject with me and that's why I feel like he was trying to hurt me.

I see what you are saying and I do know that I can't react badly to everything he feels that is contradictory to what I feel or beileve. I feel really bad. He hasn't said much to me all day and I think I really hurt him. I wouldn't want to share much with him if I felt like he would us it against me to hurt me. He has done this before and this is why I reacted the way I did I thought he was doing it again.

I can also see me posting here makes me see how I am contributing to my own problems. I have to thank you ladies for your wise counsel. Let me remove my foot from my mouth so I can apologize to my DH.

Ok I also obviously need some help understanding DJ can someone please elaborate on those for me. Thank you all so much. Until Marsh and Mimi cleared this up for me I thought I handled what I thought me H did to hurt me very well. Boy was I wrong.

We are trying to help you see HOW COME your H may be RUNNING FROM YOU. You get on his back...

And if he were to FACE you, what would you do?

He said he was sorry.

Like I said before, WHAT DID YOU WANT?

For him to come to bed 'cause you told him to?

For him to make sure not to criticize your singing, remembering at that particular time that's what your MOTHER USED TO DO?

For him NOT TO ENJOY LISTENING TO HIS MUSIC and to LISTEN TO YOU?

It's ME, ME, ME again, DIG....

Maybe he wanted some FREE TIME TO CHILL...listen to his music, clean out his closet, think about some things...

Maybe YOU EVEN MOTIVATED HIM BECAUSE YOU DID SOME CLEANING..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> But, you were mad.

How do you know how mad he thought you were?

Do you honestly think you can read his mind?



He asked you one thing and told you another.

When he asked you to stop singing so he could enjoy his music, you got angry.

When he told you he wanted to clean his closet, you got angry.

Do you think you ought to write a list of all the things it would be ok for him to ask/tell you?

~ Marsh

I apologized to my DH. I looked him in the eye and told him I am sorry for getting on his case last night and being disrespectful and hurting him. I told him he didn't deserve that. I gave him a kiss and he smiled.

I guess I can really be a self righteous B***h sometimes. I thank God my H loves me and is so patient and understanding and not like me in the respect.

But, you were mad.

How do you know how mad he thought you were?



Yes I was mad but not enough to let it ruin the whole evening.




Do you honestly think you can read his mind?



No I don't think I can read his mind but I was reacting from his behaviors in the past.



When he told you he wanted to clean his closet, you got angry.

I didn't get angry because he wanted to clean out his closet I thought he was trying to avoid me because he thought he hurt my feelings. Whenever he does something to hurt me he hardly ever own that or apologizes he just avoids.


Do you think you ought to write a list of all the things it would be ok for him to ask/tell you?


Of course not.

I know. But, the whole evening wasn't ruined b/c he chose to clean the closet.



Is THIS really true? Honestly, think about it.

You believed you knew what his thoughts were. You thought you knew he thought you were angrier than you were.

How could you EVER know that?

Wouldn't it be more honest to say that in the past whenever you got angry at him and he began to clean (or whatever action) you assumed he was doing it in order to hurt you?



I know, Mary. You didn't take his statement for what it was. You ASSUMED stuff about it. Believed you could read his mind. Assuming and getting into his stuff is where you went wrong, Mary.

Please see this.

Mary, Mimi was right. He might be running away from your anger b/c he doesn't believe your feelings are his responsibility. He may be running from your attempt to give him your stuff.

Your stuff belongs to you....not him.

His stuff belongs w/ him...not you.

You say he needs to own your hurt feelings. But, your feelings belong to YOU. Not him! Why should he apologize for expressing his thoughts? Assuming they aren't abusive.



Good. Then allow him to express himself w/o fear that you will take offense to what he says.

(((Mary)))

~ Marsh

You believed you knew what his thoughts were. You thought you knew he thought you were angrier than you were.

How could you EVER know that?

I can't and it was unfair for me to asume that I knew why he was cleaning the closet and instead jumping down his back I should have asked for clarifaction instead jumping to conclusions. That's why I apologized for my behavior.


Wouldn't it be more honest to say that in the past whenever you got angry at him and he began to clean (or whatever action) you assumed he was doing it in order to hurt you?

I wouldn't think he was always doing it to hurt me but to avoid conflict.



Mary, Mimi was right. He might be running away from your anger b/c he doesn't believe your feelings are his responsibility. He may be running from your attempt to give him your stuff.

Your stuff belongs to you....not him.

His stuff belongs w/ him...not you.

You say he needs to own your hurt feelings. But, your feelings belong to YOU. Not him! Why should he apologize for expressing his thoughts? Assuming they aren't abusive.


I agree 100% with this statement and that is why I apologize for making him apologize to me when he didn't do anything wrong.




Good. Then allow him to express himself w/o fear that you will take offense to what he says.

I know I have issues and that I need help and it is why it I am here. I don't want my stuff messing up our R anymore than I want his stuff doing that.


Thanks for the hugs. I need them. I have come a long way yet I still have a long way to go. Pray for us/me we/I need them.

We ALL have issues, Mary.

And I know you're here b/c you want to do better.

That's why we're ALL here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



We ALL have a long way to go before we reach perfection.

I'm so glad to see you are open to hearing the what we say to ya.

I'm also thankful that you understand I want to help you....not beat up on you.

Prayers going out for you.

Keep posting, Mary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

I'm so glad to see you are open to hearing the what we say to ya.

I'm also thankful that you understand I want to help you....not beat up on you.


Not at all Marsh I have to be open to how I am contributing to my problems in the R. If I was how can I ever fix what I am doing wrong. No I know I could you a 2 x 4 or 2 to soften up my hard head from time to time. I know I have a really good H because he has put up with my crap for a long time and we are still together. This is truly one of the occasions I am thankful for his stubborness.


Also thanks for the prayers they are always helpful. I have to thank you guys for telling it like it is instead of making me feel like I was justified for making my DH feel like crap. That truly helped me see the error of my ways and fix the mess I caused. I can't thank you enough.

Since I have apologized to my DH he has reengaged with the family. He helped me clean, read to our son and tried to show him how to use the potty. I am so happy I have such a forgiving H. I truly amd blessed even if I lose sight of that from time to time.

Ok Marsh, Mimi or anybody for that matter I need help. I have been planning a b-day party for my DS and I talk to my H long before doing anything for his opinon and he told me to handle it. I decided to throw at the house because he said that is was smarter than going somewhere else like we had been doing. So I took his suggestion. I have never given a b-day party on my own before and I didn't know what to do so I just did whatever looked like fun to me. I booked a clown got the kids a waters slide got the food and decorations. Now my H is giving me grief about the party. I asked him what was wrong and why was he doing that and he said we have four kids and the boy is only 3 years old and that I didn't have to go all out. I told him I am sorry I did the best I could and that this is my first time giving a b-day party for the kids that I had to go through all of the trouble planning before all I had to do was pay someone else. I told him if it is a cheaper way than I will pay more attention the next time if that is what he wanted. I will learn from my mistakes seeing as how this is my first time and I have been under so much stress since this all started I haven't been sleeping well because I want to make sure all goes well. Then he kept making sinde comments and I asked why and he said what. I said you know good and well what I am talking about. You told me to take care of this I asked your opinion and you told me to handle it and now you have everything to say. I know how you feel and I am sorry if I didn't handle things to your liking but I told you I would be more careful next time. I am sorry if what I did is not good enough but from now on if I ask your opinion and you give me control then please don't jump down my back for doing what you told me to do.


Why do I keep fu#$ing up where he is concerned? I feel so tired of trying. Why does being Med have to be so hard? How could I have handled this sitch better so I will know what to do the next time we have a sitch like this?

Know that he is egging you on. So learn how to either scramble those eggs or throw 'em back at him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He grumbles about the party, tell him next time put his effort where his mouth is and he plans the next party along with doing the work!

L.

WONDERFUL!! If you communicated this to him in a calm yet assertive voice and he kept making his COMMENTS, then it's ON HIM. Ignore his comments. Don't let him get you riled.

Now you know that in the future that you need to encourage him to BE CLEAR with you. I think that's HIS ISSUE that he does not yet FEEL COMFORTABLE doing that.

My H USED TO hold back from sharing with me because in the past I used to BLOW UP, YELLING AND SCREAMING AT HIM if he disagreed. Now that I am different and he is certain that I am different, it is easy for us to NEGOTIATE when we disagree.

I think that you and your H are working on learning to NEGOTIATE and that is a good issue to take up in your counseling.

Sounds like to me that YOU are doing great...getting there!!

Hey Mimi and Orchid Thank you for your advice. I couldn't get back before now. I have to say I agree with both of you. He was egging me on and I am learning how to handle this better. I realized what he was doing and instead distanting myself like I usally do when he does this. I stay quiet and thought I am not going to let this ruin our night. So I started asking him questions about how he thought the Spurs were going to do in the playoffs this year and the rest is as they say history. Let's just say we had fireworks before the party and everything is Kosher.

Also the party went off without a hitch. Everything went well. I will post some pictures. Thank you all so much. Also Orchid can you explain your other post to me please. I need you to elaborate on that for me. Also can someone give me a better idea of what is deemed a DJ? Thanks a million

Checkout the BrambleRose thread that got bumped up.

She defines DJs...

Ok I need more help you guys. I have an issue that I know my H would object to and it's something I really want. I need advice. I want to have some cosmetic surgery. After having four kids my body has changed and I really want to fix the problem because I feel insecure about my body. My H doesn't want me to do it because he feels having an unnessary surgery done is crazy. I love him and I really value his opinion but this is really about me and it is something I really want to have it done.

Also I am trying to set up boundaires about getting enough rest at night. My H and I are both night owls and during the week I have to get up @ 6:30 with the kids and he doesn't usally get up until 8-8:30 and we go to bed around 1:00am. So I have asked him on several occasions can we go to bed early and I go up stairs around 10:00 or 11:00 and he comes up but when he does he brings his computer and turns on the t.v. and tries to have a conversation with me and we usally go to bed around 1:00. So last night I went to bed at up at 11:30 and he came up shortly after and he turned on the t.v. and I got ready for bed and he started to as well he shaved and brushed his teeth while I showered and I got in the bed and the he came out with his hair all over his head and I said are you about to cut your hair and he said I think so and I said ok and laid down and I heard him cutting his hair and I know this takes a while so I went to sleep and I heard him start the shower. I don't even know when he got in the bed but I think I dozed off around 12:30. I want to know if I should keep doing this without saying anything or if I should let him know why I am doing this and not because I don't want to spend time with him. I know he usally gives me a kiss and tells me bye before he leaves but today he left and I didn't even know he had left. I asked him about it and he said he thought I knew he was leaving. I did tell him before he left that I was sorry I went to sleep on him and he said that it was okm but then he left without saying bye and he only does that when he is angry. I don't know what to do and I feel silly because I keep coming here for help. I also know I need to but I feel inept like I can't solve our problems without help.

How about counseling with Steve Harley?

Are you feeling tempted again, DIG?

I was noticing that other thread....

Regarding your questions on this post, read up on the FOUR RULES below:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

No Mimi I am not feeling tempted again. I think more flighty than anything because he did just what I thought he was going to and stopped trying to meet my EN's and he has. I love my H but I know I can't change him and I know because he is not trying to meet my EN's that I vurnerable and it is why I am still scared. I just don't know what else to do.

As far as the SH is concerned he may not go for it because we are in MC and our insurance pays 100% of the C and he wouldn't want to $185 when we get C for free.

The reason I posted to TH is because her old threads and her feelings of wanted to be free of H are just the way I feel at the moment. I see that her and her H have worked through their problems and I want to know what helped because I feel the same way she felt. I am just scared. I know I said my H is afraid of intimacy but I think I am just as afraid. I have been so vurnerable to him and felt ignored and I feel scared to be really open with him since all of the rejection and I know he is proably just as scared as me because he felt like I was teasing him whenever he was open with me.

Last weekend he promised to take us to the aquarium this weekend and he started complaning about how we never stay home and we are always running around. So I told him that if he didn't want to go to the aquarium he didn't have to and then he didn't talk to me much the rest of the morning but he started cleaning up and taking more care of the kids than usaul and I ask him for a hug and a kiss and he said he didn't want human contact. So I asked him what is wrong and why he wasn't talking to me and he said everytime he tries that I fuss at him and I said if you are talking about the whole aquarium thing I told you I was fine and you didn't have to go if you didn't want to and he said that's what he was talking about I said I wasn't fussing I didn't even say it with an attitude so I don't know why he was brooding. I just feel like I can't win with him. No matter what I do it's like he ends up making me into the bad guy.

Was he enthusiastic about going to the aquarium?

It sounds like he was reluctantly agreeing to do the things you want to do.

Be sure he is enthusiastic about it.



It sounds as though he was trying to blame you for his having agreed to do something he didn't want to do.

The man wants to stay home and enjoy his castle, but feels he has to agree to going out to please you...even if it makes him unhappy and resentful.

You aren't responsible for his choices...if he did something he didn't want to do, the blame lies w/ him, not you.

So, don't pick it up.

Got it?

It's not the end of the world if he chooses to be in a bad mood.



That wasn't an answer to your question. That was a DJ.

Repeat back to him what he said...

"So, you don't want to tell me what is wrong right now, b/c you believe that everytime you try to tell me what is wrong I fuss at you, is this correct?"

Go for clarity.

Let him hear what he's said to you...and you hear that what he says is HIS truth, not THE truth.



This is where you went wrong....instead of going for clarity you assumed to know what was wrong.



First off, don't defend yourself.

Especially when he wasn't even clear what it was he was irked about...

Ask questions...repeat back to him....get clarity.

If you've done something wrong, apologize. If not then thank him for sharing whatever it was he was upset about and go about enjoying your day...night.



Don't define what he's doing.

Allow him to choose whatever mood he wants to have.

Don't accept responsibilty for his choosing to be upset.



Go for clarity...let him own his feelings and his moods.

Don't make it your responsibilty to make him happy and then you won't feel like the bad guy when he's unhappy and tries to blame you for it.

~ Marsh