ElP:

You are about One month into this process.

And you really haven't started fighting yet.

Go read jmwc95's thread about his wife and his WW's A that started about nine months ago.

And how hard a fight you have got on your hands.

And I do not think your WW will be 25% of the problem that Jim's was.

Stop reacting to her, and start acting.

Larry178 has some excellect advice about "Manning Up" and winning your WW back.

Did she take your copy of SAA? If she reads it, you are in good shape.

She wants to hug you all the time... Cause she wants you to pull her back.

And listen to the other folks, they are offering solid advice.

LG

Thanks.

I don't understand how she can go from saying last week that she isn't going to see him, to now just matter of factly telling me that she's staying at his house. She knows how much I'm hurting, and that is just like throwing mud in my face. I think the hugs are just to make her feel better, because she knows I want them.

Her taking SAA is confusing to me though.

You will be thinking that every other day for a little while longer. I'm very sorry you are feeling that way. We have all been there. Mulan's quote on her posts says it all "A WS cares nothing for your pain". Better get used to it quick, and recognize it for what it is: fogtalk. Seriously, we call it fogtalk for a reason. Your WW is so damn fogged out that she will speak in absolute negatives to you. It makes her feel better, it gets revenge for offenses real or imagined, it pushes you away, it makes her feel in control or stronger, it bolsters the lies she has told herself to justify what she is doing. In her world, she is justified for doing what she is doing. Causing you pain is part of the game. When your fog clears, you will approach this situation armed with the knowledge that her fogtalk is...just fogtalk. Sure, it's hurtful. Never show it. If you want to be in control of this situation you need to get in control of this situation. Trust the folks here who are telling you what you are dealing with. It's the SAME story over and over again. It's sickening to see it again and again. Read other stories, and you will think you are reading your own. That helps, trust me. It helps you to see that we're not all nutso making things up. There is a script, a very predictable one, that waywards follow. Although every situation is unique, most waywards follow the same patterns. There is nothing new to invent that we haven't seen before.

As for your next post, the angry one - that's part of your personal rollercoaster you find yourself on. Do you want your wife back? That's a decision you have to make. You can have her back, it takes alot of hard work and discipline. It is worth it, you owe it to yourself to try everything you can to honor the vows you made to her. She is in need of rescue, she doesn't know it though. You are the knight who must fight for her - not with her. We all feel, at some time or another, that "this ain't worth it!", "how dare he/she!" "I feel so betrayed" "I'm gonna do this or that". Don't do things you may regret. You'll be back here on the downhill run of your rollercoaster ride wishing you hadn't. Restraint is paramount, stifle the vengeful feelings you are having. Focus on the positives about your wife, and ignore the evil actions of your wayward wife. She's in there, trapped in a cube of ice. Would you abandon her during the worst of times? If you make the most noble of sacrifices and endure the pain of her hurtful words and actions - slug through it all and fight for your marriage, you will never regret it.

I'm pulling for you.

Jay

Well, I'm officially done. I have nothing left to offer my WW. She has hurt me beyond repair. Divorce here we come.

I get home today, and she has taken all of the pictures of us together down from the walls. She has taken all of her lingerie out of the room. Makes me sick to think that she is wearing that with him.

I spoke to the OM's Ex-Wife, and she shed some interesting light on OM. My wife is in for a ride (sorry for the pun).

Anyway, I've decided that she has gone too far, and continues to twist the dagger. I'm not leaving MY house, and I am going to contact a mediator tomorrow. I am done with the damn counselor that hasn't told her what she is doing is wrong, and supports everything she's doing. She hasn't given us anything to work on.

It's not about trying to win her back now, it's just about me trying to save my dignity, because I'm losing it slowly. I don't really care what she does with her life from now on.

I feel that I've done more than the average person could/should have. That is what is going to save me in the end, from complete devastation.

Well, I just got off the phone with her, and told her that I want a divorce. She said that she thought that we had agreed on that at the counselor. I haven't agreed to anything, so she's delusional. I think the worst part is, she didn't even sound upset. She almost sounded glad.

I asked her about taking down all of the pictures, etc. and she says that she did it for me to spare me more hurt. Wow, what a thoughtful person.

I guess I'm just in shock that it's actually over. I guess in the back of my mind, I somehow thought that there was a chance that she'd snap out of it. Even though I don't want her back, I just can't believe the last 10 years of our lives are done, and she doesn't even care. Shocking.

And if she thinks that there is a friendship left after all of this. She is sorely wrong. She can consider me, another friend that she has lost through her actions.


How do I go about this now? A friend recommended a mediator that he used through his divorce, and said it kept things fairly amicable. I'm going to contact her tomorrow. My wife wants to get together and discuss what is going to happen tomorrow. How should I prepare myself for this, so that I don't say anything wrong.

Why work WITH her on the divorce? Did she work WITH you on the affair? I don't think so...

Now...you need to realize that you're on a rollercoaster ride from heck...emotionally speaking. One minute, you're going to feel the way you do now...the next you're going to want nothing more than for her to come home. This is NORMAL...everyone does this.

What do you REALLY want? Do you want to work things out? Or do you want a divorce? You can't do both at the same time successfully.

Have you read about plan A here? Have you TRIED it? What's your PLAN to deal with this situation. If you don't have a battle plan...you can't win the battle.

Pick your goals, come up with a plan to get them, run that plan past the experts here for a good review...LISTEN TO THE ADVICE THEY GIVE YOU...and you'll stand a good chance to get to your goal...whatever that is.

Exactly. (Read above post from Owl).

Elproducto,

Are you gonna regret the stuff you wrote in 2 hours, tomorrow, a few days from now? We all say that stuff as we rotate through the phases of this.

Of course she sounds glad that you agree with her on D. That's pretty common. We're not here to advise you to do something that shreds your dignity and self-respect. In fact, I'm here to help you do the complete opposite. You are in the phase I like to call indignation. I rotated from sadness to indignation and back again when I was at the place you were at. I would be mad as ****** on the phone, then lying awake at night fearful of loss...

I'm not a weak person. I'm not weak minded. I exuded strength and confidence all of my life, arrogance even. Then, one day, BROKEN. Absolutely broken. Embarrased. Shamed. Depressed. Panicy. Needy. A shell of a man. That embarrasment led to anger. The anger led to poor decisions in the beginning. I say this so you will realize there is no shame in fighting for your marriage if your heart still says yes. I say this because you will respect yourself even more if you do everything you can to rescue your M.

How will you feel if you walk away now? Can you live with that? If so, great. You have achieved peace with your decision, that's excellent. It's your life. IF there is doubt, then buckle in for a long rollercoaster ride. Your M can be better than it ever was if recovered.

Owl wrote:


That's the gist of what I'm saying. I just want you to know that I felt the same way early. Somebody gave me the speech I just gave you, and I can't thank them enough for that. I'll go through the rest of my life with either my wife back or knowing that I did everything I could to save it. I'll have peace in my heart knowing that. I will have grown as a person in this very painful journey.

I have tried to salvage the marriage, she wants NOTHING to do with it. I've exposed, and she is continuing the A.

She has been unhappy for a long time, I realize that now, and that isn't just fogtalk. The funny thing is, is I'm starting to realize that I was unhappy as well. I put up with a lot of crap "for the sake of the kids".

And I don't look at it as walking away. I've tried, and now I don't want her back. My heart said YES for the last 3 weeks, but every day she is causing lovebusters, and I've run out. I can't be a doormat to someone who has her mind made up. I'm not saying I'm going to be a jerk, but she hasn't responded to any of my MB techniques.

I don't have the energy to cling on to hope that just isn't there.

Thank you all for the advice, and I look forward to continued advice.

Exposure does not always work in breaking up the affair immediately. In some cases, it won't stop the A. Better than doing nothing, eh?



There are people here who are happily married and recovered who remember the wayward acting the same way. Typical wayward-ness.



Expect nothing from a wayward. It's work, work, work with little or nothing in return.


Felt that way yesterday. I don't today. I'll feel that way tomorrow.

How long has this affair been ongoing? When did you discover the affair? You should set up your signature block with some details for us to review.

A WS's mind is always made up. Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.

I think you need to take a step back - stay away from conflict with WW for a bit. Let's get some details on the timeline of things from ya.

Let me be blunt.

I don't care if you walk away, or if you stay and try to reconcile. It's not my life, not my problem. It's YOURS.

But you can't say she's not responded to any of the MB techniques. I've read both of your threads. I've not seen you APPLYING any of those techniques.

Plan A...it's 3 parts.

Part one- Start meeting her EN's. Did you do a EQ? Identify what her needs are? Start actively working to meet them in whatever ways you can? Start showing her what she stands to lose? Think back to what you did to court her in the first place, and started doing some of that again? Identified the things in your marriage that made her unhappy, and worked to change those things now?

Part two- Make positive changes in YOURSELF. What have you done to improve yourself during this time? Make yourself less needy? Start going to the gym, working out, wearing nicer clothes, etc...? Thought about what makes you a good person to be around, and making that even better?

Part three- The stick. Exposed to all parties involved. Asked for their assistance in getting your wife to end her affair. Made it clear that you love her, want to fix the marriage...and that choosing to walk away is HER choice, and not one that you've wanted at all?

There's nothing about being a doormat in any of this. In fact...being a doormat is a surefire way to LOSE the battle. Make it clear that you're not willing to accept her continued choice to be with OM...and work to make that choice of hers as uncomfortable as possible!

I haven't really seen any of this in your posts up to now...it's what everyone has urged you to do. Are you doing it?

Just read your original thread. You have not been in the river of cr*p too long now. Bob Pure's advice was right on the money for your situation. I agree that you will look back proudly at the things you did to save your marriage, all you have to do is get busy doing them!!!

I liked the part about "You don't control me". Wow, haven't heard that before. I didn't think your ultimatum at the counselor would turn out any differently than it did. All predictable, you'll soon come to realize that waywards are very predictable when you know what to look for.

I concur with Owl, if you want to save your marriage you will need to get busy. Do some REAL Plan A stuff. Stay in Plan A.

Alright, my wishywashiness continues. Today I've decided again, that I want to try and MB. My question is, how does one MB when the WS has moved out, and is continuing the affair, and has no desire to stop?

I've exposed the affair to everyone involved. Just gave them the "us against the world" feeling. My wife REFUSES to give reconciliation a chance. States I had lots of chances during our marriage, and she will never get any feelings back for me.

I feel so helpless, because I know that if she gave it a chance we could certainly work on things. But she is living in such a fog, she will never see the light.

Do I just let the affair continue until it dies it's natural death, and not comment or mention reconciliation in any form? I'm not sure how this works with only one spouse.

Plan B, elproducto. Have you read the Marriage Builders books?

I have a copy, which I was half way through before my wife
"borrowed" it. Something which I don't really understand since she doesn't want to work on things.

ep

She may have just stolen it to disarm your plan A.

Buy another. Study hard.

Glad you're seeking info, EP. I am a long ways from being a vet but I can still encourage you.

Intriguing thought, Bob P., and I'll bet you're correct. Carder's Torn Asunder and Dobson's Love Must be Tough also have great insights.

Are you able to stream the MB radio show? You can read info on this site while you listen to revolving broadcasts every day.

Keep focused and consistent in spite of the circumstances. Stay patient and learn all you can so when things start to happen, you'll be in control and better prepared to respond, not react. It won't be easy, but I just want to encourage you to keep going.

Ace

Hey Elproducto,

Are you off the boards for the past month so you can study MB Plans A and B or have you given up?

Just wanted to encourage you.

Ace

I agree with Melody....when the BS spouse is as volatile as you are, and also separated from their WS (and can't implement Plan A and stop lovebusting).....Plan B is often the best move. Like Ace....I hope you come back.

I was never volatile at all with WH. In fact, I was doing ym best to Plan A him from afar.

Unfortunately, it seems my Plan A was bugging him a bit more than he wanted to let on.

So, he told me to not talk to him again. No contact. Period. Also threatened me with the lawyer (again) lol

He got his wish, and it has been three weeks.

Did I want to do this? No way. Did I have to? Absolutely.

(and still no lawyer breathing down MY neck) *rolleyes*

Be strong El. Don't back down. You want her back, you can have her back.

Go get your property back and read those books!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.