Just has really been bothering me that H won't tell me anything and won't answer questions I have. I have decided that if he isn't willing to do this, "we" don't mean anything to him. I told him I was going to go away for a few days to try to clear my head. He doesn't want me to go. I tell him, I can't keep up the way we are. He isn't willing to help me get past this by answering anything and I don't know if I am willing to accept that. At first he doesn't offer anything and doesn't say much of anything except that he loves me and doesn't want me to go. I tell him that may not be enough for me. He is at work and I really didn't mean to get into it with him there, but there we are nonetheless. He asks me what sort of questions I have. I tell him, I want to know how he got her number. Did he ask for it? Did she offer it? He tells me he doesn't remember. I get up to walk out. Tell him I am done. With all of it. He pulls me back and says, I think I asked for it. I said you think, or you did. He says I did. I ask where, he tells me that. I ask if he saw her when he painted her sister's house, he says yes, but nothing happened then. Which is interesting because he has insisted all along nothing ever happened, but then makes this comment that nothing happend then. I told him I am not staying until I get some answers, so we are going to talk tomorrow. Happy Easter!

I almost feel like I am writing your posts. Its all the same responses, I left for the same reason, I tell him we have to lay all the cards out on the table, nothing can heal until its all said and done, I do not want to find out something after I think I have heard it all, plus I feel that this is part of the consequences of what was done. I get the same I don't remembers, I don't knows, and why do you need to know details, I have had it with that. He let me walk out with all my stuff, then 4 days later confesses to some of it, not all but tries to make me think its all, then comes out with a little more when he got cornered, I have decided I am not asking anymore questions or discussing us, I am living my life, doing my thing, if ever he wants to talk I am here, until then, I am out and done for now. I have pictured the worse in my head, I believe happened what I fear, if this ends up not to be true then kudos to me, if I am right I have already worked it through or at least started to.

Well, we had a talk. I had a list of prepared questions. Told him I needed truthful honest answers, wouldn't ask anything I didn't need to know. Told him if he didn't do this, I would take it as he was not willing to work on the relationship. While he told me some things, he kept on to some things. Does he truly not remember? I just don't get how that is even possible. He did lie about a crucial fact. Though I didn't find out at that time. He also insisted there was no intercourse. I had the feeling there was more, but no real proof. I called him the next day and told him that he could think until the evening and decide if he wanted to elaborate on any answers, correct any answers or tell me anything else.

He apologized and asked me to forgive him numerous times. He cried. I know he is hurting. It isn't fun for me to have to ask him these things repeatedly. He has been telling me it was nothing since I found out in October. Tells me it has been over since then. Yet I find out yesterday that he contacted her at the end of January or the beginning of February. At the end of January, he also drove past her house with OUR child in the vehicle. What is up with that? I asked why he did that and I am supposed to accept that he doesn't know why. It is supposed to be ok because he didn't stop there. Well, he didn't because he knew the kid was going to rat you out. He claims to have called her to beg her not to tell anyone about them. Felt that I was talking to someone who was giving me information. Yeah, whatever. He claims to have called her a previous time because she asked him to check in with her and let her know how he is. How ridiculous is that? The crucial fact he lied about is oral sex. I knew this took place someone had told me. He lied about where. Why? This is just crazy. He thought I would accept it better if I didn't know he went to her house. He did tell me about having sex with her. I already knew this, though my heart was hoping it wasn't true. But he kept denying that as well. I am not proud of how I got him to admit it. I consented to sex with him and while in the act, I asked him if she felt better than I did. More tears. I just can't understand. He says that he knew I knew, but doesn't understand why I can't understand how hard it would be for him to tell me about it. Well, why can't he understand how hard it is for me to ask. He asked if I could forgive him. For the A, yeah, most likely. For leaving me struggling with this for 5 1/2 months on my own. That is the one I am having trouble with. He just kept banking on it going away. I kept telling him as long as he wasn't truthful to me there was this wedge between us. I am grieving for what we had. I am grieving for the man I thought he was. I am disappointed in him. He works with some guys who have cheated. We had talked about it. How sad for the wife to have everyone know but her, and yet he does the same thing to me. I am sad that we will never be what we were. The total disrespect he showed me. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, but I just can't say right now if that is enough to keep us together. Had this all come out right in the beginning, we may have had a better shot. Right now, I don't know. I am trying very hard not to make any rash decisions that I will regret, but it is extremely hard to fight this desire I have just to run and run very fast away. Oh, bonus! No condoms were used so I get to further humiliate myself and go to my gyne to ask for some STD screenings.

I know you all are probably thinking stupid of me to have unprotected sex with him after all this, but we already were while it was going on and I wasn't aware so does it really matter?

I know he is remorseful and I feel for him, but I also have to worry about me. I need to get myself in a better place. Need to kick myself in the [censored] some so that I can quit taking responsibility for this. The fact that this is a skanky type of woman just makes it all the more hurtful. What must he think of me if he turned to a skank? He tells me he was weak. Ok, so next time she calls, what are you going to do? All of the sudden you are going to be strong?
Emotions are just all over the place. I do feel better that most of it is out. I feel worse that he knowingly let me suffer all this time without coming clean, and I am worried about the future. If we can't talk and we can't be honest with each other, what is the sense? We have been through several scary things that can lead to divorce, the seriousness of our daughter's health condition probably the greatest, but I don't know about this. I am just so tired of tyring to fix it by myself. I am so tired of vomitting. I am so tired of nightmares, or exhaustion. I am just tired.

I have been invited to go out Friday by a friend. Not sure what I am going to do. I told her yes, but then I worry that he will think I am going to be looking for a retalitory. Then I think, well, why should I concern myself with what he is worried about? He didn't want to do anything to help me with my worries for the past 9 1/2 months.

I just really am grateful that this place exists.