I haven't been to this forum in a couple of years. Re-registered as I can't recall my old user ID and email has changed.

Long story short, married in 89, separated in '04, D became final in late '05. 2 children born into the marriage, both teenagers now.

I filed, combination of my own dysfunction (I own my LB, and I've learned a lot about myself in the last few years - still a work in progress but I'm getting there!), and his undiagnosed/untreated depression which led to other crappy behaviors til I couldn't live that way anymore.

I started seeing someone before the D was final, so did he. I'm on my own again now, ended that relationship because of numerous reasons, and I'm content on my own with my kids.

ExH just announced to me, tearfully on the phone this week, that his GF is leaving him. I've had my own opinions of that relationship, but never interfered. None of my business and it was his choice to make. However I wasn't surprised when he told me this week that she was leaving him. For his sake it's a good thing, IMO because of a lot of reasons - but I've been supportive to him, just as he was with me when I ended my relationship.

It's too long to get into in great detail, but my relationship "took a break" just before my D became final, for several reasons, not the least of which was that I was questioning my decision to D. I talked with ExH about it at the time, and he was sort of kind of willing to give it one last shot, but at the same time he was keeping his new GF on the front burner and me in the back pocket. I didn't go for that, so I proceeded with the D. I won't be second fiddle to anyone.

It's now over a year since the D, and we do still have a fair amount of contact, for the kids and for a business we share together. He was out of the business for about 6 months (he chose to leave, he admitted it was pressure from the GF), but he returned to the business when it needed help about 3 months ago. His involvement with the biz is on a limited basis. We don't socialize together, and don't "run into each other" anywhere. I have my life, he has his, and where they intersect with kids and the business, we're friends. Life's too short to hang onto negative feelings.

We've pretty much always been amicable. I'm not a "bitter ex" although he has been at times - only when his GF entered the picture. People are often suprised that we do get along so well, many people never realized we'd split up.

So what's my point? Well now that his GF is finally through using him (he has enabled her to pretty much ruin him financially - she did it, he let it happen), she's leaving and I'm glad about it. I'm not glad for the pain he's in right now - rather I feel heartbroken for him. No matter what happened between us, I wouldn't wish that kind of junk on anybody. I'm taking no pleasure at all in his pain, but for his sake I hope he takes some time and regroups. He may not realize it now, but in the long run he's going to be better off without her. And while that's a "bitter ex" type of thing to say, I'll also state that if he'd found himself a good woman with whom he had a good future, I'd have wished him well, and been glad that he could find the happiness he couldn't seem to find with me.

He and I have talked a bit about what's going on there - but I don't pry. I've let him know I'm here for him if he needs anything or wants to talk, but I'm not intruding or butting in. He's told me what he's comfortable telling me and I'm fine with it. Actually I'm kind of surprised that he told me at all. He's not one that has very many close friends - truth is I'm probably the best friend he's got, but I don't interfere with his life, I don't ask him to do things that aren't business-related or kid-related - in short, he's moved on and so have I so I don't depend on him for anything except his legal obligations.

So why are my feelings turning back to him? The GF hasn't even moved out yet - and I KNOW he's going to need a lot of time to get past this. My logical side knows all this, but my emotional side keeps wondering if now that he's seen how he *can* be burned, will he reconsider how things went down between us?

Do we all hope and pray for the WS to have an epiphany one day?

I was positive that I was past all this after trying and having the door more or less slammed in my face - so what is wrong with me?

At different times during our separation, we both had the door of reconciliation open, but our timing was off - when he was open to that option, I wasn't, and by the time I was, he wasn't.

Has it ever happened that once an estranged couple got it all "out of their system", they found some middle ground and came back together?

Don't worry - I'm not going to *do* anything differently. I'm not about to start calling him or emailing him or otherwise change my life. For starters, it's WAY too soon for him (I've been on my own a while now, but clearly I'm not quite ready for anything on the romance front - with anyone!).

I just wonder if these odd feelings I keep having are "normal" and I know this is a save place to talk about them, and perhaps hear from people who've been there, and how they've dealt with it - good, bad and ugly.

I guess what really got my wheels turning was that yesterday at work (he only helps in our business on weekends, not during the week), he said something that really surprised me. In our S & D he always blamed me for *everything* that was wrong. While I admit my own part in it, he never owned his share of the problems, and that was the one thing I could not get past. I owned mine, which wasn't easy, but I refused to take blame for what was not mine, and he refused to believe he was anything but the victim.

Anyway, as I digress... yesterday when we chatted for a few minutes, he told me that the GF is, how he used to be. HE was the one sitting there crying (when she dropped the bomb) and SHE was the one being unemotional and closed. In our M, I was the emotional jellyfish and he was the one who clammed up. He said, "I guess what goes around, comes around."

WOW. That's the first time he's EVER come close to admitting any of his part in our failed marriage. I didn't even fully grasp what he meant when he said it, until I thought about it for a while afterward. I didn't re-address it - we were working so that wasn't the time - now is not the time to revisit any of that where it pertains to us.

Again, I'm not getting any pleasure out of his pain, but it was almost comforting to hear that he now realizes what a LB it is to be cold and unfeeling (at least outwardly) when the other person is emotional and vulnerable.

I could go on and on about the whole roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions I'm going through right now, but that's enough for starters.

I'm keeping my emotions in check in front of him, and like I said I won't be changing my way of going about things anytime soon - but I'm really curious about what might be going on in his mind/heart.

Any thoughts? Or do I need a huge reality check, and maybe a lobotomy?

Thanks for reading and listening...

JinGA

You and xH are doing what a lot of old marrieds do together-being friends. Nothing wrong in that but I would not put any pressure on-it may stay friendship or develope more but that has to be a mutual decision.

One of my DivroceCare sessions stated that normally, at some point, both couples consider reconcilation. They stated that it normally doesn't happen because the timing is off or someone doesn't open the door to the possibility.

Can you both change and learn from the past? If so, then I think it is worth a shot.

Not sure what else to tell you...

Good luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGa,

You asked a couple of things that I noted:

"so what is wrong with me?" and

"Any thoughts? Or do I need a huge reality check, and maybe a lobotomy?"

Here's my take on things. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You and your exH were created by a God that's all about reconciliation and restoration. Now before you start thinking I'm some bible-thumping, religious type, just give it some thought. If the God that created both you is all about reconciliation and restoring relationships, and he created both of you in His image (according to the bible), then doesn't it make complete sense that you'd be have this eventual longing for the same?

Just my 2-cents.

Don't make any advances until he has time to heal. However, don't get in another relationship and encourage the friendship. If you still have feelings towards him, then it could be worth taking the time and making yourself available.

Thanks for the supportive responses - that's just what I needed - and need still.

I've had some days to ponder it all. His STBX-GF is still physically here, she's going back from whence she came in a week. He's going through all kinds of stuff - which is to be expected, especially considering he never saw it coming. I did - but as I said, I have never once interfered. That wouldn't be right.

He's talked to me a couple of times, but I'm giving him his space and time to deal with this - again it's not my place to interfere in any way. He knows I'm here for him as a friend, I've told him that more than once, and I'm not pushing him. That sort of thing never works for any purpose.

He's had a couple of "bad days" - depression - he's struggled with depression for a long time but only sought treatment after we split. (We do have some contact almost daily about business issues, usually by email, he comes in on weekends and sometimes stops in on weeknights, but not often). In those couple of emails I've tried to be kind and supportive, without being "over the top" or sending signals or anything. Friends first. He needs a friend, and I have never stopped being his friend - even through the ugly times.

Yesterday when he told my by email that he was having "yet another bad day" I replied telling him I hope he feels better, if he needs anything I'm here, and he's NOT alone. Signed off with "hugs". I'd do that for *any* friend of mine in pain.

One thing worthy of mention too - during our M when he was depressed, it was always somebody else's fault (in his mind). After he started getting treatment, he learned to recognize when the problem was with HIM, so now for him to tell me, "I'm having a bad day" means he's not angry with me or necessarily anybody else - he's just in a funk. That's usually a cue to let him work his own way through it - and I do. (That was a huge LB in our marriage - neither of us dealt with it "right").

I know he needs time to heal. I've been on my own from my post-marriage relationship for a few months now and I'm just starting to feel 'normal' again. He's going to need some time to regroup emotionally as well as financially.

If I still feel the way I do now, when the time is right, I will likely say something - I don't expect my feelings to change. I never wanted to divorce, I wanted to work things out, but at the same time I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was during that time. I have grown and changed a lot about myself since that time - I own my junk in what went wrong between us. I don't know if he has - and *any* chance at a second go at it, would depend a lot on whether he has learned and owns his junk too. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can "fix" him or whatnot - he's got to have done that himself. I can only speak for myself in that if I had another shot at it, there's a lot I'd do differently. When I spoke to him a year and a half ago about reconcilliation, I told him this - but he chose the new relationship over fixing the old one. He had tried to keep me on the backburner but I wasn't going to settle for that. He wouldn't choose, so I did. Keeping a foot on both sides of the street wasn't fair to anybody, so I chose to let him go. And if he'd found "the one" I'd have been the first to wish him well. Sadly for him, that didn't happen. Didn't happen for me either - but I'm in control of my own choices, and I chose to be on my own again, for the right reasons.

Maybe that's a red flag... or maybe he needed to find out for himself just what it is he really wants. That could be that he will eventually want to try to repair this, or it could well mean that he's going to look elsewhere - that's the variable I don't know, and it's too soon to even approach. I'm sure he does not know which way is up right now. Can't say as I blame him either.

And AperioCordis, no offence taken whatsoever in your spiritual viewpoint on this. I've only made steps in my own journey of personal growth with a LOT of prayer and faith. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm convinced that everything happens for a reason, and even in the most negative of events, there is a lesson to be learned. God has a purpose for all of us - the hard part is letting go and letting God show us what He wants. I'm learning to do that.

The bottom line is if it is God's will for my family to reunite, it will happen in God's time. If God has other plans for us, He will show us.

Meanwhile I keep praying for guidance and strength, and to be able to recognize what God wants, when He shows me a direction to go in.

At the very least, once this part of ExH's life is over with (once the STBX-GF and her kids are gone), I'll have my friend back. We functioned as friends before she came along and once she was in the picture, her insecurity drove a wedge. He's accountable for what HE did, it's not her fault, but he seemed unable to be "allowed" to keep things as they were with me on a friendly basis, or he'd get grief from her. That's not right - and he should have been strong enough to do the right thing - but perhaps he might be able to reflect on this soon and realize that. That's something he's either going to figure out for himself, or not.

Either way - for his sake I'm sorry for the pain he's in, but glad he's ending that chapter.

What will be will be. If/when the time is right, I'll know, and if it's meant to happen for us again, it will.

It's just hard to be patient sometimes.

I do appreciate the kind words - keep them coming - support like this helps me keep my sanity when things get confusing.

JinGA

Well his GF (ex-GF?) and kids are leaving tomorrow. They will be back on the other side of the country where they came from.

He's having his good days and bad days, I don't have a lot of contact, but I picked up his taxes from our CPA for him and his brother is here for work (he passes through here often) - his brother is staying with the kids and me - he alternates between staying with my Ex, his brother, and the kids and me.

I don't think I'd want to be staying at the Ex's place right now. His brother will be leaving tonight.

I'm still pondering it all - I think I'm as anxious as anybody for her to be gone - I'm having a bit of "sympathy stress" for him.

I hate to see him in pain and this whole ordeal - 2 weeks today since she dropped the bomb that she was going, just 3 days after she'd returned from a 6 week trip where she left her kids with him - well that's just crappy.

Hopefully once she's gone his healing process can begin. My kids said that over the weekend (they went to their father's for the weekend) that things were surprisingly "normal" between them - I don't know if they intend to continue the relationship from a distance but that seems rather pointless to me.

Could be that they just have nothing to "fight for" now so they are just being amicable. I suspect that once she's back in her own element she'll drop off the radar soon enough.

Time will tell if things will happen between my Ex and I ever again. I'm not going anywhere - and already I feel like I've got my friend back - he's not adversarial anymore - I think at times he wasn't comfortable being amicable with me, because it was somehow a betrayal of his GF. I've been respectful of his space and relationship. As I said, prior to the D I tried one least time to reconcile but he wouldn't devote himself to that with the GF on the front burner so I did not become a willing participant in cake-eating, so I let him go.

I'm really wondering if he's going to want to come back?

I should just stop overthinking it all... heck she's not even gone yet...

JinGA

I feel a bit like I'm talking to myself in this thread - but it helps for me to get it out.

She is gone. My son's mutual friend with the g/f's son told him that they left at 6:30 AM yesterday.

I did send my Ex a brief email yesterday morning simply telling him my thoughts and prayers were with him and that if he needed anything to let me know.

I did not expect a response, and it wasn't warranted. I just wanted him to know he had some moral support.

This morning I did send him another email as our son has a school event tonight. Ex was made aware of it a week or more ago, but I didn't push to see what his plans were (we can't both attend - one of us has to tend to the business) so I simply emailed saying what the schedule was and asked what his preference was - to attend the event or mind the shop, and that I hoped he was ok.

He answered that he intends to go (good!) and that he's OK. I bid him a good day and left it there.

This is pretty typical of our "normal" course of correspondence. Short, to the point, and cordial, but not forced. I expect him to be present in the business this weekend, as usual, and while I'm giving him time and space to grieve and get on with things, I'm sort of hopeful that he'll spend a bit more time in the business (doing business, not spending time with me, per se) during the week in the evenings, because we're preparing to sell it and I could use some extra help in that. Now that he's got nobody at home to answer to, I'm hoping he will put some of his time to good use so we can expedite the sale of the business, so we can both move on with our lives, either independently of each other - OR if something should rekindle down the road, it won't be because we still have the business throwing us together.

I guess I'll sit tight for the time being and see what happens. Meanwhile I've got more than enough to keep me busy.

JinGA

I've moved my discussion over to GQ II for some more traffic and getting some good feedback.

Feel free to click here for the latest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3224876

JinGA

Jin,

I am writing this at lunch and don't have much time to reply. Just be careful with your heart because he is going through a bad time and is needy right now. You don't want to be there for him because you are convienant.

Keith

I know, Keith - that's one of the many reasons I'm here - so that people who have been there, done that, can help guide me.

I don't know if you saw my other thread on GQII but there's more recent stuff there.

Turns out he's still very involved with the GF. Over dinner with DS on his b'day (our whole family was there) she called or texted 3 times in 3 hours... and we heard him say, "Hi Baby and I love you."

Blows my mind that this man has been so abused by this woman and her kids, and he's still communicating with her.

I've played it cool - doing my thing, being myself - the new improved me... no overtures... and sometimes he seems interested and sometimes he doesn't.

Ever since we separated nearly 3 years ago I've had mixed signals from him.

I'm not going to do much at this point until I know she's out of the picture, and that's bound to happen sooner or later.

I'm just surprised he hasn't figured it out yet. Our kids have - DS let it fly with me last night after spending the night at XH's - the place is an absolute pig sty with residual junk and mess from her departure. He is very angry with GF for hurting his father. We talked a lot about it and I asked him to try to let go of the negative energy he's feeling in his anger, and channel that back to love for his father, because his father is going to need it.

I've never been one to hold a grudge - but I come from a hugely dysfunctional family - my mother didn't talk to her sister who lived 2 miles away, over a DOLL, for 25 years. I just can't do that - life's way too short. But I digress...

My guess is he's still in major denial about that relationship ending - so he's not even close to being approachable.

It's weird....

But we had a blast Friday night, in spite of GF's constant interruptions and his "show".

JinGA