Post deleted by mspirite

He is withdrawing from OW - this will take at least 8 weeks. He MUST have NC with her - this may mean you have to change churches.

His adultery should also be exposed to your church's hierachy, parents and friends.

Read up on the Infidelity FAQ's here on MB. This is a good place to be under these circumstances.

Have you exposed the A to the OW's H? If not, do so immediately as well as to the church, as BK suggested.

My H also had an affair with my "best friend" - it is awful as it feels like you have been betrayed twice. And you have.

Your H is rewriting maritial history and blaming you for his actions. very normal. My H, during his A treated me horribly because I was being good to him and making hm feel guilty.

Stay strong, read all you can here and plan A

Thank You! Yes, I have spoke to the OW's H often, mostly to make sure they weren't together anymore. My relationship with OW's H is actually a slippery slope, as I wan't to seek comfort from him. We try not to talk much. I want to wait to tell the church until I know there is no hope for us. It will be so hard for him to return there if everyone knows.

Thank You. 8 weeks sounds like a long time to deal with his hatred toward me. I have been counseled by our Pastor but I hate to expose him to the whole church for fear it will push him further away, and make it harder to return.

Msprite,

This is my first post... I have just been a lurker for a few months. I have read hundreds and hundreds of pages on this site. I can objectively tell you that the most experienced and finest minds on this site ALL say the same thing... you must EXPOSE IMMEDIATELY! I have seen some new members, in similar circumstances as your own, resist the advice to expose. They all end up paying a terrible price for their failure to act quickly on the exposure front.

Trust me... the ones that are afraid to expose all regret their decision. The ones that trust the Marriage Builders process and follow it's principles have BY FAR the best chances of recovering the marriage.

Nothing you have stated today is unique, my cyber friend. All the WH's say the same terrible things to their BS's. Try and just let it go in one ear and out the other. I know that is difficult to do... I really do but your husband is not himself. He is not in integrity with himself and he is projecting his pain on you.

I think that from what you have stated in our post that you have an EXCELLENT chance of recovering your marriage. Thank goodness that the OWH knows what has taken place and is insisting on NC.

Do NOT worry about what your church community will think. You are in a battle to save your marriage and save your family. That has to come first and foremost and the pressure that your Christian community will exert on your husband will do nothing but encourage him to run TO GOD, as opposed to run FROM HIM. You are fortunate that you are in the midst of a Christian faith and that Christianity takes a very dim view of adultery.

Christianity is built on FAITH and obedience to the word of God. The word of God expressly forbids adultery. Your husband needs to be reminded of that and your church friends will help to remind him of that. I suspect that they will also encourage him to repent, make amends and seek out the forgiveness of God and of you.

Try not to be afraid, or at least not to SHOW fear to your husband. He is acting in a disgraceful manner and you do not need anyone to tell you that you did nothing to deserve this. He is wrong and when he decides to be honest with HIMSELF, he will realize that. Also, keep in our mind that underneath anger is always PAIN. Anger is a surface emotion. Angry people often lack the courage to be in touch with the deeper emotion, that is pain. You are in touch with your pain... that is because you are stronger than he is right now and much more congruent.

Remember, when he lies to himself, he will, of course, lie to others

Finally, your children's eyes are on you, my friend. Even if they do not know the particulars, they will sense the change in atmosphere... the tension that is presently in their home. When you are hurt by your husband's words or actions, try and focus on your little ones. They see everything... they sense everything. You have an opportunity to show them how to stand strong in the face of adversity. God Forbid that they should ever face this themselves later on in life. If they do, however, they will remember a Mother who became the spiritual leader of the family in a time of crisis. They see two parents... one in collapsing and the other is standing strong, with the courage of her faith and convictions. Let them see YOU as their example... let them remember this as a victory and not a defeat.

May God Bless you and keep you and your family in this difficult time.

DeservedBetter

Thank You so much for your encouragement. One of the reasons I hesitate to expose to my church is that my parents are very active members there. I would have to tell them first, and I hate that thought. They already have troubles with my sister and brother-in-law. The burden and hurt on my father brings me to tears. I have been counseled by one of my pastors, I will see what he thinks. Very scary! His anger has subsided, and we had a conversation last night. He was very clear that he felt absolutely nothing for me and had no desire to try to feel anything for me. Meanwhile I listen to him in the basement writing love songs about her. Its all so hard to hear. He says he's only staying right now for the kids, and that he doesn't think that divorce would be that devestating on them. I think my plan right now is to pray, wait, hope, and love. I will think and pray about exposing him. Thank again!

Sounds like a small town. At risk of turning your hubby into an outcast, this "exposure" seems the best avenue to bully your husband to stay with you and continue this charade. You might have thought you BOTH were happy, but that's because little conflict in a marriage keeps ignoring the real issues and therefore they never get solved.
I don't know why it's a good thing to try and force your husband to remain unhappy with you. Exposure in an effort to get the whole town and societal + religious obligations to turn his behavior around? Of course with all that pressure, he might be forced to stay with you and try to work it out. Afterall, it doesn't sound like he wants to divorce anyways. Because he couldn't do that and continue living his facade. Sounds like a make or break tactic.
It brings the whole community and family into your marriage and coercing decisions.
How did you find out? If he was honest and you turn it around and make everyone hate him for it, he will likely be more careful and secretive next time.

He's treating you like that because he has a lot of guilt and is making excuses for his behavior. He needs to turn you into the villain for it all to make sense.
15 times? ugh.. I love the hypocritical angle here. An ex-pastor-type no less banging his parishoners.

He broke it off with her and is now going through withdrawal. It's going to take time.

Thanks for your response. What do you mean, "force him to remain unhappy" with me. I am hoping he can learn to love me, choose to love me. I believe he only told me because OW was telling her H. I admit there lacked "passion" in our relationship, but with 4 kids, small house, and little money, it got let go. I'm just hoping he'll give us a chance. I'm trying to show him love.

mspirite,

I'm going to deviate somewhat from other advice offered so far and may get a black-eye from those that disagree, but here goes...

Since you've already talked with your pastor about this, I would recommend you wait on what he has to say about making it more public within the church. To make a public (church) spectacle of your husband may have the opposite effect of what you're hoping for --- that is, a restoration of the marriage covenant. Trust your pastor and his counsel. And may God wrap you in His arms and see you through this storm.

Blessings to you,
Aperio Cordis <Heart Revealed>

Thank You. I have emailed my pastor, and am waiting for a response. He knows my H and all parties involved, I have kept him very up to date on H's mindset, I will trust his advice. Mu church LOVED my H. He was the only contemporary worship leader in the church, he had a lot of "fans." This brings me to another question, people are starting to ask about him. I still attend with my children. They are wondering why he isn't leading anymore, and where he's been. H has said that he doesn't care what I tell them, but I don't believe that. What do I tell people when they ask?

Personally I would tell them the truth.

I understand the reasoning of "Aperio Cordis" but in my experience, sweeping under the carpet is the order of the day in most churches it seems. Our pastor had no idea how to even counsel us.

What it comes down to is if you want to save your marriage or not.

I am not making this stuff up. Exposure was the best thing I ever did. It worked. Ended my wife's affair in days and we are now in a recovered marriage despite our pastor's ineffective efforts.

Work the program here - it works.