First I apologize for posting in the wrong forum but, this one seems to get the most traffic. I need some advice in how to proceed..

My Story:

One day my husband gets up and tells me that he wants a divorce. Gave me the I love you but, can't live with you speech. Just hits me out of the blue with it..well, I pretty much go nuts, begging, pleding and crying. That got me nowhere but, a cold indiffernt husband sleeping on the couch and his moving out two weeks later.

Well, I just decided to try and let him go. But, still work on me because, I need it. So, I have been working my butt off to be a better mom, housekeeper and better everything. It really has been working. My kids and I have a better relationship then ever before. My house has never looked this good in all of the years I have lived here.

Fast forward two months. I have a long talk with a good friend an decide that my family and marriage is worth fighting for. I put my wedding ring back on. I get into an exchange with My H. He asks if he can come over today and invites himself over for dinner. Well, after a nice dinner and some fun with the kids. We have a talk and decide that we are going to work on this. Actually, start all over and let past stay in the past and start something new. He gave me a hug and kiss before he left.



I guess my question is how do I not screw this up. This is the last chance I have to save my family. I have read up on plan a. How do I do this when we don't live together and rarely see each other.

You realise of course that he is having an affair right?

Have you done some snooping to identify the OW and exposed the affair?

Have to agree with bigk here. Snoop and expose as necessary.

Since he is the one that left, I think you need to see if his actions back up his words to "work on this."

As for letting the "past stay in the past" - remember that those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Maybe the reason why he wants to so this is to keep his affair secret.

I would agree with BK in most circumstances. The only way I think he may NOT be having an A is if you guys have been having problems that he has asked you to fix for a long time with no results. Some people just get tired of dealing with a spouse that is too much work. Only you will know if your M was touched by this stuff. But I too would bet in most cases his behavior would indicate an A.

Well, I have to say an affair is what I thought to. He has denied that since day one. Of course if he told me the sky was blue I would have to go outside and check for myself. I do think he has been persuing other women since he left. I tripped him up with something last week. However, I don't think that was his main reason for leaving. I was a horible person to live with. I have really been working on correcting that.

Ginger

You may have been a horrible person. He wants you to believe you were horrible. But, he is having an A. And you deserve the truth.

When my H was having his A he made me believe that I was the worst person in the world. He sat at our marriage counselors office and told her all the awful things I did over the years ( which incidentally were all true) and made me believe I was losing him because I was awful. So did the counselor. Fast forward 8 weeks and lo and behold, it comes out that he was having an A for the past 4 1/2 months.

Its called "rewriting maritial history" and is so common with a WS. If you really want to put your M back together, he needs to come clean.

Think about it. What he is doing is awful. He is putting all the blame on you while making you believe that he is a god. btdt.

Do you think he would admit it if he was? He would not. Asking him is a fruitless waste of time. You must find out on your own. When a spouse leaves for an affair, they do everything to protect that secret.

I'd be the first to tell a new member to pay attention to the red flags of an A, but from what I've read Ginger's H as only made the dreaded "ILY, but not ILWY" statement.

While yes this is a red flag, and yes the potential exists of an A. I would certainly not make any conviction soley off that statement.

Prior to moving out, was there unaccounted for time spent away from the home.

The guarded phone calls, deleted recorded, internet communications, etc.

I thinks it's time to put the past few months under the microscope, and look for the sign's. But to early to formulate a conclusion.

Ginger,

SOmetimes we can't see what is right in front of us when we don't really want to. I won't say absolutely that your H is having an affair. But, usually when they want to move out on their own it is because they want the freedom to spend time with OP or want to freely go looking for an OP.

My FWH spent years looking for an opportunity to cheat. I had no idea when he was on business trips and he would call me before going to "dinner" that he was probably prowling the hotel bar looking for some willing wh*re.

He finally hooked up with an equally desparate fat woman and between the two of them they "decided" to meet regularly when he was traveling.

Looking back, I must have been completely blind or just plain stupid to not see it.

Beware of the cold indifferent or angry for no real reason. During my FWH's A, I could do no right. PERIOD. He was angry, hostile and generally impossible to deal with. Looking back, it now makes perfect sense, he created reasons to be mad at me rather than admit what a sh*t he was being by cheating.

So, Look long and hard at every detail of your life and try to learn as much as you can about what your H has been up to while living out of the house.

It may not be an affair, but man, it sure smells like one.

Who

Post deleted by GingerAnn

ILYBNILWY is in my opinion 95% indicative of an affair. Along with "I need space"

He's having an affair.

To get the truth you will have to snoop on him.

you can't begin to repair anything until you know for sure what is broken. That means you must first RULE OUT an affair. You have to have the truth about this and you are not going to get it by asking your H.

You must do some sleuthing. Hire a P.I., put a GPS on his car, stake out his place yourself, put a tap on his phone, a keylogger on his computer. Ginger, this going nowhere until you find out what is really happening here. This has all the markings of an affair, I am sorry to say.

I agree I need to know. But, I would feel a little strange doing those things. I don't really know where he lives..We are like strangers I feel like I am walking on broken glass when I am around him.

Well, do you want to save your marriage or do you want to avoid "feeling strange" at all costs? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

dear gingerann

Sometimes a spouse does treat the other spouse with such disdain over and over that there comes a breaking point in which they have had enough...

there is not ALWAYS an affair....
sometimes there is just really soul destroying behavior...

are you in counseling to address and destroy your deeply seated habits of walking over others....

the way we change is not through our words but through actions that are consistant over time...

the best way to get your husband's attention is to begin to make these changes..
and you will get his attention and then eventually his respect and love again......when you behave and respond EXACTLY in a manner he does not expect....

also you need to acknowledge and apoligize..not in a grandiose knee jerking sweep born of the fear of loss....

but in small specific increments...

speak the words he hasn't heard in years...

speak your admiration for him..
for the times he took on everything...

ease his burdon

are you seeing a counselor..

you stand at a great cross roads....
with no garuntees...

but you have taken a huge step in seeing your actions and their effect....

this will be a life altering moment if you embrace the gift....

marriage is ALLLLL about spending 100% of your energy building and cherishing the other.....
and the reciprocity is what is mirrored back...

sounds like to me you have a husband who was willing to do a ton for you...and then reached his limit....

blessings to you and him

ARK^^

Ark, Your post is perfect.

GingerAnn, Please take a moment to really soak in what Ark has written.

I know "believe me" how the ILYBNILWY statement strikes a nerve with those who find themselves on this forum.

When you consider the majority of people who view M as a life long commitment, and are typically "In Love" when that commitment is made, who later in life, for whatever reason, choice to abandon their life long promise, could find themselves identifying with the dreaded "ILYBNILWY" phrase.

Regardless of the circumstances which lead to drying up the Love Bank.

Ark--I think you have hit the nail on the head. I have been in counseling but, we have been working more one how to deal with this great loss rather than working on what led up to the loss.

But, I have been using my time wisely and working on me. I just hope it isn't too late.

My H did tell me that it was the little things that ment the most to him. I knew he was coming over today so, I made sure that there was regular soda in the house. I even put some in the freezer for him...He likes it super cold.

I sent him an email today asking him if we could talk about what his needs and boundaries are. I think it was a mistake though.

For all who are thinking affair. That is still on my radar.

Ginger, it would help you greatly to know for sure if there is or isn't an affair. You will do many of the same things regardless, but there are things you could be doing to save your marriage if it is an affair. If it is an affair and stays secret, it only grows with intensity because affairs thrive on secrecy. It would be to your benefit to know for sure either way.